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Nervous about New Beginning

Fablegirl posted 11/24/2020 13:45 PM

Hi all. I have finally found a housing option for after I leave the horse farm where I have spent the last 25 years. Haven't quite made the leap yet because I was waiting until summer and when COVID is over, but finding housing is difficult because I live in a rural area and this opportunity is a good one.

But this is a hard transition. I have loved our farm. I spent my married life and raised my child. The house and land belong to XWH and his family, and the house is falling apart anyway. I remain close to his family, who live on the property, including MIL and BIL, but it's time to move on and figure out a new path. A few issues I am struggling with:

XWH and I also ran a stable and boarded other peoples' horses in addition to our own. I cared for the horses, fed them, oversaw their vetting, etc. After he left and let the fences fall down I realized it was no longer safe to board horses. I called it quits and left the barn to the mice and spiders. I moved my horses to different stables and pay board, but there are be two horses that will left behind because they belong to XWH. I still care for them because in the colder months they need to be feed 2x a day and I am working from home anyway. I am worried for their welfare after I go. XWH is incompetent and cruel. He will ride them hard and leave them in a stall without food or water because he forgets. I once came home from a business trip and found they had been confined like that for 2 days in 90 degree heat. He will forget to water them, feed them or put out hay in the cold months. When we were married, I knew how to manage him, remind him -- and that's part of what may have ruined our marriage. I became a nanny to this manchild. Anyhow, he recently told DD that he plans to get more horses after I go. I assume this is for OW and they plan to move to the farm after I go and DD is off to college. I feel like OW should be warned that he can't be trusted or is unreliable but it can't be me because even though we were once friends I am now the vengeful ex-wife. However, I am not the only one who has expressed worries about this. Family members and friends have said the same. How can I encourage them to say something to OW who is the only person he will listen to?

Second issue is I am just worried about feeling lonely and depressed in a new place because my move coincides with DD going off to college. Anyone have any experience with this?

Advice and reassurance appreciated.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/24/2020 14:56 PM

Hey Fable. I have no horse experience, but hopefully someone in your horse community will check on the horses and call animal services if they are being neglected.

As for moving to a new place, that I do get. I left 3 acres in the hills out in the county for a shared house (Separate units, but upstairs neighbors) in town. With no kids, it was very quiet and noisy at the same time. (Quiet ó because alone, Noisy because in town and used to the country). This is a great time for a few things, but you will have times it is too quiet. Just accept it. That goes away pretty quickly, but you have to feel the feels, as you know.

*Make it yours. Truly yours. Not for your kids, your ex, just you.
*Get involved. Covid has made this harder, but busy is good. Volunteer, exercise, foster animals, work with therapy horses... Build a new life that fits you.
* Get to know you. This sounds crazy, but I really had no idea who I was anymore. I remembered who I had been 25 years ago, but that girl was now in her 50s and not the same person at all. I doubled down on IC and just good old introspection. This has been the gift from all of this. Rarely do we stop to figure this out, and we get the chance to do it.
* Kids going to school is a bit different than it was when I was young. You can still FaceTime and text and all that. Keep doing that with your DD while filling your time with others. I joined some Meet-up groups to both meet people and to keep busy.

Itís going to be good. The feeling when you close your eyes at night in your space and realize you are not waiting for the other shoe to drop- Totally priceless.

(And congrats on finding a place!)

Chrysalis123 posted 11/28/2020 10:34 AM

He fired you from taking care of everything. With time this will get easier.

Worrying about the horses is your nature because you are compassionate. However, it can NEVER be you that warns the OW because of what you said. They will and have banded together against you. It is a very common dynamic. OW is a grown woman and on her own with him.

It has to be other people in the community that call animal protective services, like BearlyBreathing said. Unless you want to buy the horses or he gives them to you, unfortunately you are out of the picture.

As for moving, I have experience with that. I had dreams about the place for a few months after the move and felt a lot of sadness. With time that passed and it helped that is was so much fun to create my own life and home free from my former nightmare WS.

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