Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Beyond hurt

Topic is Sleeping.
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 1:14 PM on Tuesday, November 24th, 2020

I’m annoyed with myself for letting this happen

STOP. Just stop that thinking. It is unhealthy and will only make you feel more confused, and take on responsibility that is not yours.

Your partner decided to cheat, she made a mental decision to allow this person into her life, and then she made decisions daily, and even hourly to disregard her vows and promises to you. NOTHING you did or did not do led to that. DO NOT try to own this. It is not your fault, she didn't do this because of anything you did, or did not do. She did this because she is a broken person. PERIOD.

NOW - Focus on you, and your children.

Along with seeing an attorney, and a therapist, it is also a really good idea to see your Dr and get full STD testing. Yes this is necessary. You can ask for a referral for a therapist when you are there and if you are struggling with self harm, or sleeping and eating you can discuss that as well.

For most of us this is a big big trauma, and often people benefit from the help of medications to allow them to at least sleep and eat a bit. Without some solid sleep, and nutrition you will find it nearly impossible to keep your emotions in check, and your brain making rational decisions.

Keep reading, and keep posting. Know that while your situation is unique, that cheaters follow the same play book. It is as predictable as an afternoon rain in the summer in Florida.

((((And Strength)))

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18920   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8611791
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Hedwig ( Member #74175) posted at 9:34 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Also, playing a hero is a very common theme in cheaters.

We call it the KISA-syndrome. The knight in shining armor.

People with KISA don't like to be around self-sufficient and independent others, because where will they get their self-worth from if they can't get it by propping up others?

Instead of helping themselves and working on their own self-worth.

Know you are worthy and loved, Medusara. You might already know about this trick but ice cubes or dunking your head in ice water might help fight the urge to self-harm. Take care.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8612741
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 Medusara (original poster New Member #75888) posted at 9:49 PM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Thank you again, so much.

It’s been a week and a half now and I’m still spinning around with no clue which way is up. I’m still self harming, I’m still avoiding food and I’m still making myself sick when I do eat - but not every time, now.

My psych wants me back on antidepressants but as I’m breastfeeding I really want to avoid that, so as you guys have said my first step is to eat and sleep properly. Unfortunately the 14 week old baby is refusing to be put down to sleep so I’m holding her all night, but I can and must get a handle on the food situation.

We’re still in the same house for now, we have a joint counselling session booked for this week to see if we can build enough trust to make it work. But reconciliation is definitely not on the cards: my wife is currently out comforting the OW who was brutally raped by her husband after telling him about the affair. And I know cheaters lie, and maybe I’m a fool, but I do believe that - there are too many other people involved for it to be made up (including management at work, the husband’s sister etc.). I have to say it has broken any remaining shards of my heart to see my wife so worried over the last couple of days, there’s no doubting how she feels about this woman. Plus of course there is an amount of guilt, as if they hadn’t been having an affair he wouldn’t have been so angry and wouldn’t presumably have felt the need to punish her. I’ve told my wife many times that no one is responsible except him - I’ve also had my heart broken by this situation, I didn’t respond with sexual violence.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Nov. 20th, 2020
id 8612833
Topic is Sleeping.
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