Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Just finding out now

Topic is Sleeping.
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 10:33 PM on Monday, November 16th, 2020

We all know how t hi is ends, so I'll get right to it.

We met 21 years ago on my birthday, I'm not the type of guy who just hits on a girl but I had to. Couldnt let this pass. She had a bf so I figured that was that. She was my roommates gf cousin so she came by from time to time. We talked friendly although I would ask if she was with her bf. I hooked up with a girl I had been in the friend zone with for a year. About a week later she broke up with her bf and we started dating. Couple weeks go by and she finds out about the girl and is very upset. It was while she was with her bf and we were just friends. She stops talking to me for a week, then we have a talk and continue where we left off.

A month goes by and she had been staying at my house nearly 5nights a week. Well I find a notebook, not hidden right on my table, I didnt recognize it so it's my house I look through it to see. Well I find a letter written about how she cant decide between me and this other guy. I go right to her job, at a fast food restaurant, and confront her. She said it was a guy she was talking to but that was it.

I was in tears in the lobby, we decided then that it would be just us. That was the first time we said "I love you" a week later was the first time we had intercourse, this happened 3months from her breaking up with her bf.

So one thing about me is I'm a very empathetic person. I help everyone, literally have ran into a burning building, I shovel neighbors snow, take care of my elderly father, extremely honest too honest. I'm not stupid, not ugly and always make friends wherever I go.

About a month later a move to nice penthouse apartment that went with my job well as I'm moving in shes picking out all the things she was gonna do. Without a discussion that was it, she was moving in and it was us. So 4 years go by, lived in a few places we decide to have a kid. We haven't married, I'm the type who believes our love and commitment is enough. I'm very high on my ethics and morals, personal not religious. Our relationship was not normal but we liked.it that way. We transcended most fleeting romantic relationships that ended in marriage

To continue... 21years later we have 2 kids and a good.life. I work my butt off so my kids can have a parent around, my kids are both straight A's, A.P

kids. My wife has never got a liscence cause so im always running around. Taking kids to practice, school b4 this year, work, grocery store, errands for grandparents

Everything started going downhill 5 years ago when her mother died and then 2 years ago when her father got cancer and died a year ago. We have been social drinkers but since her dads diagnosis she started drinking more. We had a talk I told her I understand but she needs to limit her self and not overindulge. Went great for a year then she started drinking more again.

We were drinking together and have a stupid fight but this time she did the one thing we said we would never do, how mad we get. She says "I dont love you anymore, youre a bad dad"

Next day she says she was drunk and has no idea, she was mad and knew that was the only thing that would upset me, since I was being too calm. Another month goes by and we have a repeat of the same night, I should say my wife has been known to throw her fist when she talks and drunk. But I'm 6' 1" and used to box so nothing she does hurts. Again same story next day. I'm known for my restraint and patience.

Things are not good now shes drinking everyday and lying about it. I talk to her sisters and bestfriend to tell them not to drink with her and if she asks to get liquor, dont. Her bestfriend says her son seen her drunk walking past their house going to liquor store

I confront her, she denies. I tell her I know she lying I've known her for 21years and I have a witness.

She confesses

I tell her we dont lie and I've seem your lies lately and it reminds me of a time 3 years in where I called.up some physic hotline and she was mad about the bill. I told her I thought she was cheating.i wasnt happy, she wasnt. I thought about ending it but I thought how could I do that to a girl who loves me so much. I had no proof just my instincts so I never confronted her. The drinking was the same excuses

Finally I get it out of her, that the week she went MIA after finding out about the girl she hooked up with the guy and they had sex after a week and she had been talking with him for over a month. Also after about 9mnths she was with a guy from work, only kissing, and at about 3 years there was another guy she kissed a couple times. After a month I find out that I was right when I called the physic.

I was selfish one night and wanted sex, I couldnt do it unless I was drunk. She drank too, we got in an argument over a comment I left on YouTube saying the girl looked pretty or something benign like that. We argue over it, this time I end up with a fat purple lip, swollen check and scratches everywhere. Not one finger on her may I say in 21 years not one finger

Now 4months since D-Day. She will do anything, she is very remorseful. Says it was just in the first 3 years and what she told.me is it. Nothing more. She has taken advantage that I give everyone the benefit of doubt. But the unknown is worse than what I do know

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8609745
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redfish ( Member #71426) posted at 12:01 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

I get that you want to know more about her affairs but with the other problems you describe she does not seem like marriage material. She can fix this.

So one thing about me is I'm a very empathetic person. I help everyone, literally have ran into a burning building,

You can't help her, the difference between your WW and a person in a burning building is the latter wants to be saved.

To be remorseful it sounds like she needs to figure out her problems through actions. From what you describe she is violent, drinks too much and has admitted to affairs.

You can drive her to Individual Counseling, treatment center or wherever but then it's all up to her.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8609769
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

What are your options? What would you like to see happen?

The alcoholic has gotten control over the person she used to be. That needs to be addressed first and foremost.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8609783
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OrdinaryDude ( Member #55676) posted at 12:59 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

So are you legally married, and how old are your kids?

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3366   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8609786
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

So after the fat lip night she hasn't had a drink. Funny when I told her we were done, she didnt have a problem stopping.

We aren't leagally married but 21 years together, we have a 16 year old and an 8 year old. Not worried about the 16year old greatest smartest girl in the world, they have gone too to toe about her drinking.

My wife keeps telling me that it was so long ago. That she has been 100pct ever since. Even though the first 3 years are the falling on love years. I built our relationship on the person she portrayed to me. She days shell do anything but the rerun in my head of the first years and how special they were.

We used to have a great story. Now it we met, had kids yadda yadda yadda. I miss having something special. It's like her twin sister killed my love and now shes trying to replace her.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8609815
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Stinger ( Member #74090) posted at 4:52 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Why did you not have her arrested when she battered you? This is a violent, chemically dependent serial cheater you have on your hands.

Reverse the genders on this and folks would be coming out of the woodwork telling you to consider divorce and having her arrested.

Violent drunks seldom change without consequences.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8609831
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J0ck ( Member #47763) posted at 9:52 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

polygraph ??

posts: 75   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2015   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8609855
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:22 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

she was with a guy from work, only kissing, and at about 3 years there was another guy she kissed a couple times.

It’s almost never “only a kiss”

Ask her to write a detailed timeline of all her infidelities. Tell her you will verify her timeline with a Polygraph.

I suggest you get her phone and check. She admitted to two A (three if you count when you started dating), so there could be more.

You can’t Reconcile without knowing the truth first.

Also, even if she stopped drinking doesn’t mean she is not an alcoholic. She needs to get treated.

Talk to a lawyer to know what it would look like if you were to split. You may not be married, but depending on where in the world you live, you could be considered married in terms of alimony etc....

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:28 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1432   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8609856
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 10:22 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Double post

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 4:22 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1432   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8609857
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 2:19 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

This is a booze problem, first.

This is a substance abuse problem, first.

This is a physical abuse problem, first.

This is an infidelity problem, second.

Regardless of what happened, her emotional trauma, her mental breakdowns.. the truth is she is a violent alcoholic and I am firm with my advise to deal with the top three problems as a higher priority than the fourth one. Not for just your safety, but for your children. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father who was gone for long periods on duty. It's no picnic. I don't wish that on anyone.

You need to take action, NOW, about this. At least file a police report about her behavior if you don't want to file charges. Maybe your pride wants to shrug this off and say "she didn't hurt me that much".. but what if you shrug it off now and this behavior escalates? For HER sake, she needs to learn immediately that there is absolutely going to be harsh legal consequences for any further physical assaults from her. Also, do the VAR (Voice Activated recorder) thing with her. All the time, every conversation. A partner that beats you can also make up a phony domestic violence charge. It doesn't have to make sense, it just happens.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8609902
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 3:06 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

I know that you are hurting.....and we can help.....but KingofNothing is absolutely correct--this is an addiction problem that needs to be addressed before any attempts at reconciliation.

Ask me, and several others here, how we know this.

She may have stopped drinking on her own, but it is only temporary without the help she needs from an addiction support group. I don't know if she has ever gone to AA, but until she embraces what they have to say, she is going to white-knuckle it until she lapses. That is about as close to fact as you can get without already having the answer.

My suggestion?

For you, keep posting and reading. You will get a lot of useful information to get you through this shitstorm. And for her, let her know that you won't even consider reconciling until you believe that she is becoming a safe partner. You can't change her; you can't control her. But you can put down expectations that she has to meet for you to recommit.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8609915
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Unfortunately both of us have had experiences with alcoholism in our family. Her alcohol use is an emotional crutch, no excuses by all means. We have seeked help for that, I'm at a crossroads with the infedelity

I guess what I'm looking for is some validation. My point is that she sees her infedelity as it was in the first 3 years and that the last 18years have been 100pct. Coming from an lying alcoholic who will say anything not to make it worse, I dont beleive. But does it really matter, the idea that those were the years I fell in love and decided to have a kid together. She was cheating behind my back. The idea she held this for so lo g. The idea that if she told me any of this, I would have ended it. It's not so much the cheating it's the lies and betrayal. It was supposed to be us against the world.

I still care for her and have love but I'm not "in love" with her and after 21years I was still head over heals for this woman

Shes the one that moved in, shes the one who started the commitment, shes the one who always said I love you more than you love me. She planted the seed of I was her soulmate and it was just us.

Knowing I was considering breaking up when I suspected her of cheating then she gas lights me for the next 18years over it. That really is a tough pill to swallow. That I didnt break up with her cause I thought how could I do it cause we are going through a rough patch. How could I break her heart when she loves me so much. I wanted to do the honorable thing and at least try

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8610014
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 7:34 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Have you ever had your kids DNA tested?

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
id 8610021
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:02 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

So you’re married to a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic who is in all likelihood a serial cheater. Am I getting this right so far?

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8610037
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

You’ll stay in this only because you want to.

I’d bet you know only the tip of the iceberg

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8610041
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Apparition ( Member #75755) posted at 8:29 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

This is a booze problem, first.

This is a substance abuse problem, first.

This is a physical abuse problem, first.

This is an infidelity problem, second.

I have to 2nd this. I believe you're giving her too much credit and having her substance abuse problem under control. I've seen too much of this and I know that yes, she is capable in a crises of stopping, but that has nothing to do with her ability to overcome her addictions longterm.

The infidelity is indeed an issue, not discounting it at all. I'm going through my own mess right now and awaiting a new D-Day, which I already know does have new and painful disclosures.

I'm sorry you found yourself here, your pain does matter, and you matter. Put your head up, shoulders back, chest out, and start thinking about you first, children 2nd, her third, and marriage not at all - yet. Seriously, too soon. I know, I insist, it's way too soon to be thinking at all about the marriage. YOU first.

Be well.

Me: BH
Her: WW (expert serial cheater)
Status: Divorcing

posts: 220   ·   registered: Oct. 28th, 2020
id 8610047
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 6:53 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

I appreciate all the feedback, we had a talk yesterday after I got home from work. And I agree with everyone she needs her drinking under control. She said she wanted to use some money for a polygraph so I can ease my mind that her infedelity was just in the first 3 years. I told her "it doesnt matter how many times you cheated, the fact that you did says everything I want to take the money for polygraph and use it for therapy/treatment" whatever she needs. I also told her that if she ever raised her hand again, I will not think about it, I will take the kids and go.

Unfortunately I am still at a crossroads, do I even want to go through all of this. The only reason I'm getting her treatment is for the children.

How does someone look at a person who betrayed and lied so much?

Are all the years in between just a mirage of what i thought?

It's like there was a whole other dimension in my life?

I have sent half my life with this woman? But if she had told me.any of this when it happened, I would have ended it. That's what bothers me the most

Again, thank you everyone who replied. This has been the only conciense releif I've had in awhile. Your words mean alot

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8610336
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 7:30 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

If you ever want to R, she will need to rebuilt trust.

No trust, no relationship.

That is why you should ask her for a detailed timeline. Get all the information you need to decide if you want to R or not.

When she reads the timeline to you, it forces her to face what she has done. Then you use the timeline for the polygraph.

If you want to R without knowing the full truth, it will haunt you and you’ll never be able to trust her and rebuild your relationship.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1432   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8610344
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BigBlueEyes ( Member #71441) posted at 8:19 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Sometimes being betrayed is enough for some to walk away,

Add in alcoholism & battery & again it’s more than enough for some to walk away.

You don’t owe her anything,

It’s your life & your choice.

You have to do what’s right for you and your kids

Good luck

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8610350
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 21yearsgone (original poster New Member #75713) posted at 8:24 PM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Unfortunately I have the timeline, one of the many things these site all say to do. Of course I have 2 because the first one had some things omitted and also the extent also became increased. She said she didnt want to tell me about the time I called physic because I had my suspicions and she had lied all these years.

I've told her time and time again that what she told me is probably only half the truth and the repeated lying makes me doubt her. Even if it was only the first 3 years and she told me everything, those are the years I fell in love, that's the person I decided to live with, to have my child. Wtf am I gonna do. Believe that shes been faithful since, even if she has does it matter. And the physical abuse. I feel like I'm failing if i cant find a way to try. If she has changed, should that make a difference

And how can someone make up for something like this? How do you regain trust? Trust is developed how do u regain that? I'm worried I'll stick it out, then one day meet someone special. Then I'll be the a-hole. There are no good answers or options.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2020
id 8610352
Topic is Sleeping.
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