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Divorce/Separation :
New. Sad to be here and just need support

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 Sadflowers (original poster new member #75852) posted at 11:11 PM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

Typing on my phone. I’m sure this will be a novel so I’m sorry for any typos. I have read here for years now and just finally joined today. I feel like reading has got me through a lot and I am a mess currently and need some support :( This doesn’t really fit in jfo or general. We both went to lawyers today. It’s in motion. I guess I know it needs to be done with what he’s said but I still have sooo many problems letting go.

I’m late 30s. Husband also late 30s. We have been together since I was 15. He’s my first and only. We have one child under 10. Own a home. Both work.

He cheated several times early in the relationship. We were young and he would leave and come back. We split up one time when I was in college for three months and got back together and things seemed good. He had seemed to grow up some or realized what he wanted. Idk. But we some years later decided we’d get married and have kids which we had been back and forth on. I did not want to be the divorced parents I had. Did not want it. Said we’d work through things and talked about it and got married. Had our son and things have been from my view mostly good. Now from his he has been miserable. And I see this is rewriting hx and I do think he is depressed but it kills me to hear it.

I saw a text about four years ago from some women on the aux police department he was on that said something like “we can’t do this anymore,I have a bf now”. He didn’t respond with a what are you talking about but instead said ok. I didn’t say a thing but mentally broke down. I dropped 100 lbs. I was waaay overweight. I put up walls. Read here about 180 and tried to work on me. I asked him to leave one day when he accused me of cheating and wanted to see my phone. I asked him to just give me a week to think. Well he left and began seeing a friend of ours.

He came back and we started working on things and I will give him he tried to shut the friend out but he never told me so I would be upset he tried to push her away saying he needed friends for it we couldn’t work this out. Let me tell you how sick that makes me now. So things were really good and I told mutual friend he slept with things were so good I wanted another kid. He had always said one and done but I wanted more and really really thought it might happen as good as things had been. No sign of issues, everyone happy. Well that must have pissed her off cuz she lost it and began demanding to have more time with him and if not she’d tell and she told me. Wrecked me. I put him in another room and have not told him I loved him except once. I do all the things I would except it hurts to say it. And I can’t physically kiss him.

So things have been up and down last two years. For the most part I will say I have not thought he was cheating. He was home. And I love that for the most part we can go and do anything together and have fun and just sit and watch a movie and all is good. But I’ve warned him we don’t really talk about the important stuff. That it could just happen again. He had serious issues from childhood were he needs constant validation and reassurance and I asked him to please go to therapy. He didn’t :(

He got a new friend and he made me uneasy. Friends wife as well. They talked about her sending nudes back and forth with a kids coach for soccer, seeing an ex. I told husband this is bad news and you need the boundaries up. Well he’s been picking little fights and after one other day said not happe in years. All my fault. Nothing no can do.

Went walking with my kiddo and mom and found him and this girl parked at the park. Wtf are chances of that?! He tried to talk way out. Later that night he accidentally sent text to me instead of her that didn’t sound good. I confronted and he admitted. Called her and told her not to contact him. Told his friend. His friend apparently said it’s ok which I don’t believe but I also don’t care. So I had scheduled lawyer and he said stop. He said we’ll work on it.

Well last night he changed mind again. So assuming back in contact. And I know I can’t control him and I have had enough pain but good god does it hurt.

I went to my lawyer and he went to his and we are going to try to work something out. But holy god do I hurt. I don’t know what to do with myself. And he won’t leave the house.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2020
id 8608479
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, November 13th, 2020

You need to get a counselor for yourself. Someone to support you through this D.

Fear is a powerful force and maybe that is what has prevented you from leaving him earlier. But I promise you yiur life will get better when you don’t have to focus on him. Wonder what he’s doing or where he is. You get rid of a man-child and live without all of this stress.

The hope you see some hope for your future.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8608502
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:01 AM on Friday, November 13th, 2020

So sorry you find yourself here. After so many years together, it's difficult to break away. It takes time for your heart to catch up with your head.

This is time for you to take care of you. IC with a betrayal trauma specialist has done wonders for me. We are going through a self-confidence workbook, so it's more structured than regular talk therapy.

This does hurt, but you can make it.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3424   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8608511
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 Sadflowers (original poster new member #75852) posted at 1:35 AM on Friday, November 13th, 2020

And I know it will be so much better without the stress if I can get through this but for the longest time he has been who I’ve gone to with anything even when he causes that pain. I’m stressed I talk to him. I’ve got friends and family but we have always talked about things that are stressful. If I’m upset I go to him.

This is the first time I have actually opened up and told family and friends when he threatened the divorce. He said we should keep private. I never want to make him look bad. Why? I’ll be bawling and unable to function and can’t say why because I don’t want to make him look bad. I know I can’t let other people have that power over me and I’ve got to get on top of this but it is soooo much harder with him here. I just want to ask him what we are gonna eat and watch and talk about plans like all’s normal and snuggle on the couch. Part of me thinks he is doing it on purpose.

I do need to see a counselor. Probably much easier with Covid now and I can do telehealth.

I bawled at the lawyers today. And he is so non emotional it just kills me. I mean we are just going to have to throw our life in a pile and divide it all and it destroys me to think about it. I told him tonight I don’t even know what to do about plowing snow in the driveway-that he’s supposed to be here to take care of us and I just feel screwed. I have three horses I have to sell. Big beautiful trailer I just financed last year. I want to keep the house and farm and will be able to but not with all the extras.

And I just feel so stupid because I’m worried about him. I know he’s depressed and that’s when he does this. My mom pointed out he’s not going to be happy anywhere long. He looks for the happy new relationship feelings. But that doesn’t make me feel better. I just have to keep telling myself life will be totally different five years from now and just because I have only been with one person doesn’t mean I can’t be with someone else. Friends have told me I can definitely find someone that will treat me better and never cheat or make the threats to go, who will want to do things with me and not act like I don’t do enough for them. But I’m still just so sad. And don’t feel I can heal with him here flatly staring at me.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2020
id 8608517
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:58 AM on Friday, November 13th, 2020

You'll have to learn different coping mechanisms. He doesn't have your best interest in mind. It's going to be a big shift with what you're used to doing, but it's time to lean on your family and friends.

Your mom is right - he's not going to find happiness until he works on his issues. BTDT.

Don't feel sorry for being a warm, caring individual. Your feelings are valid, but I've come to realize that I've ignored my emotions for so long that I don't always recognize what they are. The betrayal trauma specialist is helping me through this.

FWIW, my adult sons are so glad that they don't have to put up with their dad as much any more.

You have the opportunity to show your child what a normal, healthy relationship looks like

[This message edited by leafields at 12:15 AM, November 13th (Friday)]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3424   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8608559
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:12 AM on Saturday, November 14th, 2020

He’s depressed and decides a D is the answer. It appears as though he had put you in this road before in wanting to end the marriage.

I know this devastating to you. You’re an emotional wreck snd he has no emotion. It’s b/c he’s already disconnected. He’s already emotionally detached.

You deserve better than to be a yo-yo in your own marriage.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8608970
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 Sadflowers (original poster new member #75852) posted at 2:21 AM on Saturday, November 14th, 2020

I keep telling myself that. It doesn’t hurt any less yet. I have been bawling for days.

I have to work three twelves the next three days and part of me is dreading it because I will be worried about what he will be doing but he would be doing it anyway. It will at least let me focus on something other than crying. I had called off one day and worked another day this week and neither were great.

He has always gotten upset about me being close with my work friends but he doesn’t get they were good for us. Always encouraged me to work things out with him- probably more rhan I should have because I never shared all of it.

He is being nice right now. Said he is going to counseling for himself. Which maybe even makes me more terrified with hope. But I have no clue where he is and that should be better because he is not here but I am so sad. And I got a Snapchat memories thing and looked at his name and thought that seems like a much bigger number than he ever had :( I know I have to let go. I know. But it hurts so bad. I never thought I could cry like this.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2020
id 8608984
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:58 PM on Saturday, November 14th, 2020

It doesn’t hurt any less to be left feeling like you are just being cast aside.

But it doesn’t seem to matter to him. He has his own issues and he’s just useless b/c he is giving up. Not just on you and marriage but he’s giving up on even trying.

And you have to keep telling yourself it is for the best b/c you will burn out if he and his fidelity is your focus every day.

You have to get yourself some support and counseling may be able to provide you with the emotional support you need. It can save your sanity. Help you deal with the raw emotions and help you function.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8609086
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, November 14th, 2020

You are doing the right thing in starting the D process.

You have been stuck in limbo and addicted to hopium for a long time.

Your heart is taking a long time to catch up with your head. But that is natural. Shore yourself up in a room in your house and let that be your safe space.

The sooner you can really learn to accept that he does not care about you the way you do for him, the sooner you can begin to really detach. You keep expecting him to act one way. He tosses you a few crumbs, sucks you back in, then he goes back to doing what he does best - pleasing himself. That's just the pattern that I see.

He doesn't want to own his choices. He just expects you to go along with whatever he wants and to never talk about his actions. So unfair to you. You deserve so much better. You and your son.

Be prepared for him to get nasty as the D process unfolds. Do you have relatives or friends close by that you can lean on? Do they know what's going on?

Very sorry you've found yourself here. But you deserve a fresh start. You have plenty of great years ahead of you. Lots of life yet to live. Don't waste a minute more with someone that does not value you or your child.

Hugs.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8609100
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 4:35 PM on Saturday, November 14th, 2020

I'm no expert, but I think it just take time. Once I really recognized that this wasn't about me, but all about her moral failings, it was able to start detaching. I still get the feeling that she threw me away occasionally, but those feelings don't last as long.

It will get better.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
Life is Good!

posts: 527   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8609103
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 2:46 PM on Sunday, November 15th, 2020

And I know it will be so much better without the stress if I can get through this but for the longest time he has been who I’ve gone to with anything even when he causes that pain.

Since he has been your go to since you were so young, just expect of drawn out 'decoupling'. I promise the mental effort to remind yourself hundreds of times to work around your instinct to ask his opinion, share something you wish to share etc., it will all pay off as you build new emotional and mental pathways that don't run through him. Be patient with yourself.

The overwhelming thing with all the houses, loss of precious plans etc.: Make a list. Honestly, it seems ridiculously simplistic but it got me through. Start with where you need to end up and work backwards if it helps. I saved one of my lists and it triggers that memory of how messed up my head was trying to navigate. Guess what else it triggers -- Joy and relief. Freedom. The divorce process, sorting things etc., they are all just single steps, not a crazy mess when you break it down.

So sorry you have to go through this. Come here with questions. Lean on your lawyer. Get the counselor someone suggested, or see a church leader if you are so inclined. Uplifting music helps also sometimes, depending on where you are emotionally in the moment.

Take care of yourself.

posts: 680   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8609269
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:57 AM on Tuesday, December 1st, 2020

Sounds very complicated.

posts: 353   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8613319
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