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I was on the path to healing, now I feel like crap again.

ColdChickenNugge posted 9/18/2020 00:33 AM

I recently finalized a divorce from my wife who was in a affair most of our marriage. We were in a deadbedroom the entire marriage, and counseling didn't help. Her affair took place during counseling, and she didn't even bring it up. When I found out, I was devastated. It was undoubtedly one of the worst pains I've ever been in. She tried apologizing. I shortly found out that she send nudes to someone else a few years ago. I had enough of the lies. I filed immediately.

Fast forward to a few months later:

I've been working on healing. I'm in IC, I've been hanging out with friends, and getting support from family. I moved in with them temporarily to get back on my feet. It's still painful, but I'm functioning much better now. My therapist was even excited of my improvement. I reconnected with a girl from an internship, and we started texting regularly. She is nice, but she has a pretty busy schedule. A while ago, I told her about my situation, and she was very supportive. We still had great convo afterwards. My hope was that we could be friends and hang out. She has gone silent on me over the past few days. My last couple of messages have gotten no responses. She still makes occasional Facebook posts and watches my Snapchat stories however. I believe I've been ghosted. On top of that, I had to run some errands in the area where my ex and I used to live the other day. Being there brought up triggers that I thought I was no longer bothered by.

Now I feel almost how I did on D-Day. I've been moping all day, and can't seem to come out of it. I'm not sure why I was ghosted by this girl, or cheated on by my ex-wife. It makes me feel undesirable as a man.

I decided that I'm done with women for a long time. I'm even considering being single forever. As much as I would LOVE to be a great dad and husband one day, my heart just can't handle any more lying, using, cheating, or ghosting from people. Whenever I hit it off with a woman now, I'll always think "it's only a matter of time before she stomps on my heart". I'd much rather focus on me now, because I know I won't hurt myself.

EvenKeel posted 9/18/2020 08:06 AM

CCN - The healing process is a roller coaster! You will go through ups and downs. This is totally normal. Try not to be discouraged. Look the end of your M is a death. There is grieving that goes with that. Allow that so you can continue to heal.

Not sure how long it has been since your D is final (I think a few months)? If so, you are very early into the healing.

My hope was that we could be friends and hang out. She has gone silent on me over the past few days.
I think you are placing too much power to this 'friend'. If she is really just a friend, then maybe she is started seeing someone and is focusing on that. Which happens in all friendships. But your wording indicates you might feel more?

I decided that I'm done with women for a long time
This is great. A break to recup might be exactly what you need!

phmh posted 9/18/2020 13:46 PM

If I were master of the universe and could make everyone do what I wanted, I would make everyone exiting a relationship due to being a BS take at least a year off of dating. Of course, I am master of myself and didn't do that! You are trying to date way too early. And that's completely normal. Most of us did that.

But if you don't take the time to heal yourself, you will find yourself with a partner who is as bad as or possibly even worse than your WXW.

Being cheated on is a trauma experience. You may feel healed, but it takes humans longer than a couple of months to process. And in your case, you tolerated a crappy partner for so long that you lose all sense of what is normal behavior. You need to work on yourself. On your self-respect. Otherwise the treatment you received from your WXW is likely to take place in your next relationship. Because that's what feels comfortable to you.

Broken attracts broken, and you are still hurting.

I've been there. It sucks and is completely unfair that it takes so long to get to a point where you are healed enough to be a good partner and to attract a good partner. But it is worth it. Get comfortable being alone. Restart old hobbies or find new ones. Healthy women are attracted to healthy men who have interests and are interesting.

A single guy with no kids and no major baggage? You can write your own ticket. Right now you are carrying around the baggage of the aftermath of treatment by your WXW. Work on that, and I promise you will find an amazing lady. You've got this, and while each day seems to go slowly, all of the sudden the work you're doing accumulates and you're a year or two out and mostly or entirely healed. I shudder to think of the guys I dated too early (so grateful none worked out!) and that I took time to heal as I've found an incredible partner. Hang in there!!!

traicionada posted 9/19/2020 20:06 PM

Now I feel almost how I did on D-Day. I've been moping all day, and can't seem to come out of it. I'm not sure why I was ghosted by this girl, or cheated on by my ex-wife. It makes me feel undesirable as a man.

IC works but it doesn’t work overnight. The key to getting the most of IC is to commit to the process and doing the hard work to get to the point where your self worth is not defined by your relationship with others. You are enough!

Anna123 posted 9/20/2020 13:01 PM

Ditto on the not dating for a year. You aren't 'you' enough to date. You are 'you' enough to seek joy, insight, connections with family, friends, hobbies etc.

I decided that I'm done with women for a long time. I'm even considering being single forever.

"Women" are people. Women, (and men I believe) can sense this attitude and if you don't get past it, this negative view will overshadow all that is good about you. Women will feel it radiating from you. As soon as they do or say something that you aren't happy with that 'done with women' thing will pop up, and they will also be done with you. There will be plenty of other women who feel they aren't compatible with you in a year or two when you start dating again. It's not personal. Just the same as the women that you know you would not want a relationship with. It goes both ways.

Take care of yourself. This is still fresh so of course you are sensitive. Good luck.

BearlyBreathing posted 9/20/2020 13:12 PM

Part of the healing is understanding that you are ENOUGH and DESIRABLE without needing a partner. You may want one, desire one. But if you need one to feel complete, then it isn’t as healthy as it can be.

Take time, understand that dating means some won’t work out, and work on yourself and accepting yourself. The trauma from infidelity is going to pop up for a while— it is not, sadly, anything close to linear.

You will be okay. You are feeling raw and hurt (totally understandable!). Just take some time.

ColdChickenNugge posted 9/20/2020 14:55 PM

Thanks for the answers. The girl I thought ghosted me ended up reaching back out later on that day. She was very busy, and was pretty slow texting everyone back. I guess I was overthinking. I want to get to a point of self love, where being ghosted or rejected won't absolutely destroy me. As for the girl, she is pretty cool. I am open to hanging out and getting to know her better as friends over time. Whatever happens, happens.

As for my ex, I'm trying to realize that her actions don't reflect on me. If she was unhappy with what I was/wasn't doing, she could have just left. I can walk away knowing that I tried my best to make our marriage work.

My only issue is how women will perceive my situation when I decide to date again. As stated, I've made the choice to stay with my parents while I pay off debts amd save for my first home. I'm sure it will take a year or more. To me, it sounds like a wise decision. Idk what women will think about a 30 year old guy staying with mom and dad. It's been bothering me a lot lately.

[This message edited by ColdChickenNugge at 2:55 PM, September 20th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 9/21/2020 04:44 AM

If a potential “date” judges you b/c of a choice you make - I suggest they are not the person for you.

What if you moved home to take care of an ill parent? What if you moved home b/c you lost your job?

I think people who judge like that are not for you. You have a short term plan. It’s temporary and your goal is to purchase a home.

Be proud you have goals. Be proud you survived your marriage.

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