Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Crushed!

Topic is Sleeping.
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 11:50 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

I googled the film she wants to watch....great tip.

According to a random user review the moral of the story seems to be pro-marriage. "Not a story of a failed marriage but a story of what it takes to have success" (user review quote)

Anyway...movie...you are right, no big deal and nothing to base decisions on - there are no morons here!

Its just that we as a couple had always watched a film or documentary on a new subject we are exploring together. It could be a vacation destination or wellness stuff or whatever and then we get deeper into the topic until we did something with it.

I feel a little annoyed she'd like to watch a pro-marriage film. Unless she has no idea? lol

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8583634
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 11:58 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

What is the movie? If you don’t want to say no worries.

If it’s something ridiculous like Fireproof, just say no

Also instead of watching a movie that’s two hours she could devote to writing down the timeline for you or reading Linda McDonald’s book.

Just sayin’

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8583636
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 12:00 AM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

She hasn't had an STD check - the fact she even needs one....argh

She needs to get one ASAP. No delays on this. You need one too.

And if she balks that’s a sign of an unrepentant spouse.

She’s endangered your health and safety.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8583637
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 12:22 AM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

book reading, STD check (I will get one for myself regardless), NC letter, etc would be on the agenda.

Maybe. It could very well be more work than its worth. Will see how the weekend goes.

Thanks again everyone, I appreciate you all so much!

Will check in later - enjoy your weekend!

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 6:40 PM, September 4th (Friday)]

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8583642
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 12:53 AM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

Just to give you some grounding before your weekend. She could have two failed marriages, children with 2 different men, and I guarantee this toy boy will scurry when the ----hits the fan..

Her cv will not be pretty moving on.

You hold all the cards..

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8583649
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 1:53 AM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

What was her reason for filing for the D?

Were you blindsided by that?

What does she say about it now, was it all a mistake?

If you sign, it will let her know that anything can happen, she is not in control.

Is there 6-12 month wait in your state?

Good luck on the 3 day eknd

PS the STD test is necessary and it could shock her that you would think that she picked up a bug from the guy who tricked her into an affair.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8583659
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:34 AM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

Brother,

Sorry you are here.

First off, well done one the positive change in your life with the weight loss and anger management. You should be congratulated.

It is so unfortunate about the actions from your wife.

You sound like you are on the job, not letting her blame shift onto you.

If you are the SAHD, and provide a stable platform for all of the children will she have to pay you alimony or spousal support if you do decide to D?

R will be very hard, you have to look out for the new you.

I feel this was her exit affair. She wanted a D prior to opening her legs, that action of sex with another was so she couldn’t stop the D. She wants out.

Sorry brother please stay in a good head space.

One day at a time

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:55 PM, September 4th (Friday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8583686
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 2:18 PM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

Not sure I’ve seen this mentioned but just in case it would be important to tell her that deleting texts is no longer allowed until a D vs R decision is made. That will take months. And if R is going to be a possibility she needs to stop deleting messages FROM ANYONE. That includes the AP.

I would make that very clear to her. If there is a text from or to her that she’s uncomfortable with, she needs to “man up” and confess to it to you. She needs to let you see it.

This is the path toward R that she claims to want. So tell her clearly this has to be her mode of operation from now on.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3163   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8583809
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Ginny ( Member #43196) posted at 3:27 PM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

The biggest move to get out of infidelity right now, is to find the OBS and tell her. Compare notes. It is amazing how much information she may be able to share with you. (If not now, soon).

Do not let your wife know you are going to do this. Let it lie as if you have no intention to do so.

The OBS needs to have STD tests as well as you and your wife.It is amazing the amount of damage STDs can do, silently. Ask me how I know. I buried my best friend a year ago due to an HPV caused cancer. Consequences of affairs are real.

BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

posts: 1027   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2014
id 8583831
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Tempocontour ( Member #65971) posted at 11:13 PM on Saturday, September 5th, 2020

Sorry that you are going thru this. If she had a physical affair with him, I'd have a really hard time having sex with her. And yes, trusting her the same way as before is long gone and I would throw it at her face for a while. She doesn't get off scott free. She deserved to get it thrown back at her for cheating all these months. I would never trust her again. To verify that she is not or still in contact with the OM, do you have a VAR in her car? You could catch her trying to contact him with her cell or even with a throw away burner cell. A gps on her cell to track her movements? Definitely ask her for OMS info. You should give her some consequences for cheating on you. She hasn't suffered anything major yet. Make her confess to your and her parents and maybe even close friends. Make her live with her parents for a while. I would in turn serve her with divorce papers and tell her she's got a year to prove herself before divorce comes final.

[This message edited by Tempocontour at 5:16 PM, September 5th (Saturday)]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8583947
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 9:32 AM on Monday, September 7th, 2020

And she has also expressed concern that I will not be able to love or trust her quite the same ever again...that I may try hard only to quit....that I may retaliate....that I may hold it over her head forever, etc.

This indicates that your WS is not in true remorseful mode yet.

If you have a look at the Wayward forum on SI, you will see that the truly remorseful waywards surrender themselves to the outcome. It may take some time, but you see that there comes a point where the WS suddenly 'gets it', and stops trying to control/manipulate the outcome.

She is still trying to blameshift, indicating that you will be holding it over her head, etc, hence it will not be possible to R. Thereby putting the blame on you already, even before any R starts, so that when it fails (and it will, if the WS continues with this mode of thinking), the blame will fall squarely on the BS.

Right now, your WW has not reached that point. She is still thinking/predicting the outcome, so that she can control it. WS love to try and control things.... by giving up the control, you will know that you may well have a remorseful WS.

If the WS truly wants R, then they will be chasing the BS like their life depends on it. No effort is too big. No sacrifice is impossibl. No task is un-doable. After all, they did put in a shitload of effort in their A's so they should be able to do more than that to get back the trust of the BS.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8584399
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 6:22 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Hey everyone - thanks so much for your posts. The quote feature still isn't working for me. Random thoughts/responses (in no particular order)

* Divorce papers will be signed regardless of anything because if I don't sign and submit by the due date I will default. My options are to sign and proceed, or sign and submit a conciliation request - which would put a hold on proceedings to allow for a reconciliation attempt. As to alimony/child support - I may be a work from home dad but I am the primary breadwinner by a significant margin so I wouldn't be entitled to spousal support.

* I am not sure if I want to reconcile or not yet. Its not entirely my decision of course but I can decide how I respond to the filing. I have another 12 days to report to the courthouse before the due date. I am no clearer on this decision as I was before the weekend started.

* The movie we watched is on Netflix called 'Story of Us' it is an older Rob Reiner film starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. It is a pro-marriage film depicting a couple going through some rocky times (including an EA) that lead to a trial separation and ultimately a reconciliation. The film itself could have been more powerful in its delivery but it was nice to see Hollywood throwing some love to the concept that marriage is hard work and not always a fairy tale.

* Other than the first 5 minutes on D-day..there is no blame shifting, justification, or minimizing on her end. She has taken ownership and responsibility of her actions and has apologized more times than I can count. I have yet to accept any apologies but I do not doubt her sincerity.

* She is aware of the conditions to reconciliation. They were largely built out of the R articles found on this website. She cried and expressed anger (at herself) - but accepts her 'Scarlett Letter' (her words) as something she alone earned. She understands the terms to reconciliation are reasonable and appropriate.

* My emotions seem like a lava lamp - constantly morphing from one shape to another. Sometimes I am feeling surprisingly normal. But then a wave of anxiety or anger or sadness or combo of all washes over me. I am sick of almost compulsively asking the same or similar questions but wife is responding with patience and compassion (so far)

* Despite it all, we continue to communicate well and were pretty much joined at the hip all weekend long. No sex of course, wont happen for a while if ever again...but there was a lot of tenderness and positive banter shared this weekend - more so than we have shared in months which lifted both our spirits. This did not go unnoticed by the children. I am beginning to fear they may be twice as hurt if they start thinking life is getting better only to wind up divorcing anyway. But the dark cloud that's been over our household isn't doing anyone any favors either and I'd rather they had a reason to smile.

* I know exactly who the AP is and will seek out the OBS. I have been thinking about this person a lot this weekend and agree that she deserves to know. I will not let my wife know I plan to do so but I'll be damned if the AP gets out of this drama-free and needs to be held to account to someone. (not to mention the OBS...but must admit my anger for AP is also driving this decision)

Overall....I am still undecided/not sure whats going to happen. There were a few good omens this weekend I don't want to read too much into. On the other hand, if my moods don't start to stabilize then I will have to seriously question how much more I have to give. I am not sure if I have the stamina. Of course, divorce is a grind too

I have an IC appointment today which I hope will help. My therapist said that reconciliation and divorce are equally difficult and no guarantee on either providing happiness. I am not sure how that helps clarify the situation but I will share with her my experiences this weekend and see if she can help me unpack it all

Thanks again for your time and thoughtful comments - they really mean a lot to me!

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 12:32 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8584917
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 6:46 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Telling OBS is not about revenge or justice for the AP. It's about doing the OBS right, because they deserve to know. You didn't cause the harm. You are bringing them out of deception, and restoring their agency.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1325   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8584922
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:00 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I have yet to accept any apologies but I do not doubt her sincerity.

She is definitely "Sorry", but there is no way she is remorseful yet.

People/Cheaters can't just turn on a dime like that.

You are doing very well, better than 99% of us.

Good luck, please let us know the developments, because this will get harder.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8584928
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 7:13 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Oh yes, that is true - I am very empathetic for the OBS and agree she deserves to know

But nothing is going to talk me out of my feeling that the AP should not escape this situation unscathed. I know where he works...its only my obligation to my children to avoid an assault charge that keeps me from waiting outside his office for him.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8584931
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 7:33 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Hey there faithfulman!

Yes, I agree she is 'sorry'. And I am struggling to determine how genuinely remorseful she may or may not be.

Again...a few good omens I don't want to read too much into. Some of these positive signs continue this morning. I just feel like I need a little more

Thank you for the encouragement - frankly, I am stunned I haven't gone batshit yet. Kinda proud of myself to be honest.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8584938
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

I can't give you advice, I can only give my experience. The ex-wife had an affair 3 years into our marriage. She tortured me with hints and denials for 6 months until her behavior became so bizarre I told her she had to go to therapy. Soon thereafter the affair was revealed. I was completely devastated but reconciled. She was into it initially but nothing really changed. Caught her again six years later. The affair was going on for quite some time. That was that. I felt nothing for her after the first affair but kept trying hoping that something would return. Her behavior made it impossible. I felt liberated when we broke up. Thirty-five years later I still carry the sting of what happened even though I met a very worthwhile woman ten times better than my ex. Unfortunately, my ex and I have a child so contact continues. I am someone to forgive and forget most things but never this type of behavior. Your feelings are never the same. You feel like you can't trust this person with anything, including your life. I am so sorry, but it is what it is. You can't undo a fatal car accident, a murder, or any other horrific event. She will carry guilt but will do her best discharge through justifying her actions. You will carry betrayal and mistrust of her your the rest of your life. You have a much steeper burden. Good luck to you, I hope you make the right decision. My reconciliation was wrong for me. I do have one suggestion. Look for reconciliation stories that stretch 5,10, 15, 20 years after D day. You can get a better idea what to expect if you do decide to reconcile.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8584942
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 8:37 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

As src has just advised, you may carry the wounds of this infidelity, whether you divorce or not.

There is no easy path which ever way you go.

Therefore, choose wisely based on where you will find the most happiness, and where you see yourself enjoying the best of life in the future.

posts: 585   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8584973
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ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Telling the OBS : it also has the benefit of killing the A (exposure). Your WW should have blocked the AP by now. If she tells you “why did you tell the OBS”? That tells you two things:

1- she is still in contact with the AP.

2- she still care about the AP.

For the D papers, don’t just blindly sign anything without talking to a lawyer.

What I don’t get in your story (and I might have missed it, I apologize), is why/how you WW went from “I want a D”, to “I’m a terrible person, I’m sorry, please forgive me”. What triggered the change in direction?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1431   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8584987
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Brother, take your time, look into yourself, take care of the children.

As I suggested this was her exit A so you would pull the pin on the D hand grenadine. Then she could play the oh is me card.

IC is a must.

One day at a time and respect ✊

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8585004
Topic is Sleeping.
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