Newest Member: faithfulMan911

Just Found Out :
Crushed!

Topic is Sleeping.
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 11:44 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

All very true statements Shark - thank you!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 11:51 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

It’s easy to blame the seven kids and neglect of the relationship and take more than your share of the responsibility for those “contributing factors” because it gives you hope and some control over the situation. The more responsibility you take for the situation equals the more control you have over it. This is a fallacy. This thinking is illogical and will lead you astray. People who truly love someone, do not ever want to lose them, let alone-replace them, betray them, deeply hurt them. Will the AP be a better father and husband to your wife and seven kids? He probably doesn’t want to have anything to do with that and has already headed for the hills. So this could not be “the reason” her why. Before you EVEN consider R, she needs to figure out exactly why.

posts: 646   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 11:55 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Were you given reasons why your wife her ex divorced? If she has given you reasons, this may be a good time to verify if you are leaning towards given her a second chance and the gift of R.

I understand she is a good person but you didn't know she had it in her to step out of the marriage either. This may not be her first rodeo. Apologies in advance if you feel that my question is offensive.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 11:57 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

The OBS would undoubtedly judge my wife as a bad person. The A is the only thing the OBS would know about her.

I am profoundly upset about all this. Its got my whole paradigm out of wack. But I have also seen how my wife responded to various situations over the years to realize she is a good person.

That doesnt mean she will continue to be the right person for me. In fact, seems rather unlikely at this point..I am not in denial about what happened after all.

But if she is as remorseful as advertised - I could be willing to try to R. I just need some help preparing myself to sniff out any crap so I can better determine how legit she is...or isnt.

And you all are giving me plenty of good stuff to work with!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 12:01 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

A VAR is the first step to repair the broken trust by

confirming that NC is in place.

whether you want to divorce has no bearing on that the OMW

needs to be told about her WH affair.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8583103
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 12:11 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

No offense to any questions! (quote feature not working for me)

RealityBlows: You are so right! Although I have made it clear I do not take any ownership what so ever to her decision to cheat regardless what spin she put on it about being unhappy - many people have the decency to wait until divorce is complete before fooling around. She always spoke strongly against infidelity so I called her out on her hypocrisy - I am angry! I am just not losing my mind having tantrums because that wont do any good.

And I agree the AP likely doesn't want anything to do with the realities and responsibilities attached to my W other than to have some fun with her.

Wanttobebetter: I was told that her former Husband was a mean spirited control freak. And he has been a pain in our ass our entire relationship...constantly stirring up drama with the kids and doing nothing to live down the descriptions my wife shared of him.

It may not be her first rodeo. I'd have to ask her ex husband if he ever had any suspicions or evidence...but we aren't on good terms to chat about things.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 12:18 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Update:

I hate the obsessive feeling that monitoring the call/text logs gives me.

But I see the AP has tried to text her a few times today - there is no evidence of her replying either text or phone call. Sure, there may be another communication method...

But point is, my WW did offer to report any/all communication AP tries to make -she volunteered that on D-day when she said she'd break it off.

Here is an opportunity for me to test that offer. When she gets home, if she doesn't disclose the contact attempts or says no to my question if he tried today or not....well - that wont be a very good look for her.

Will see what happens..

UPDATE 2: After using a reverse phone lookup I am not sure if I have the correct phone number after all.

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 7:14 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

oldtruck - I need to find a way to contact the OBS or even knew who she was.

I would disclose if I knew I had solid contact info. There is no way the AP is going to get out of this drama free! Hell NO!

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 6:24 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 12:23 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

I could be willing to try to R. I just need some help preparing myself to sniff out any crap so I can better determine how legit she is...or isnt.

Knowledge is power.

Please read my posts above.

I need to find a way to contact the OBS.

I think I posted the way to find that information above.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 12:27 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

No sense asking her Ex about any of their prior life. If you two have a bad relationship you can't expect him to tell you the truth about anything.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 12:38 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Faithfulman: I have viewed your replies and thank you very much for them.

I did tell her that I had nothing to do with her decisions and that she need to take ownership of her actions. She is no victim, etc. Threw all that right back on her which she tearfully accepted.

It was a very long and emotionally exhausting conversation on D-Day but I stayed strong and unwavering in my approach while she sobbed her eyes swollen and pretty much agreed with my views, accepting her role - desiring forgiveness, apologizing, promising to break it off, etc.

We'll see if she is legit or not...now you all are in my corner telling me what to look out for - very helpful - I cant thank you all enough!

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 6:40 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 12:53 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

I suggest not involving or asking her XH anything. He will use it against you. He doesn’t sound like a nice guy that would do anything to help you.

In fact he could lie to further hurt you — just b/c he can.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10504   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 1:10 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

No, I wont give her XH any bit of satisfaction that he'd certainly enjoy hearing about

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 4:54 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Good morning everyone! Thank you all for your contributions to help a perfect stranger in a time of need - I promise to pay it forward as soon as I have opportunity to do so!

Yesterday I suspected the AP had tried to contact my wife via text message and there was no response from her. She had offered to report any contact attempts to me, but when she got home she didn't volunteer anything. When I asked her if he tried to contact her, she said he did. When I asked her how he tried to contact her, she said via text. When I asked her if she replied to him, she said no...that she deleted his message instead.

While I was pleased these responses match the pattern I thought I saw, without evidence of what was said (deleted message) - for all I know he asked her to contact him a different way and she did.

When I reminded her that I would be struggling to believe her - she said "I guess you'll just have to try to trust me"....and immediately a phrase from this thread jumped into my mind "Dont rely on a liar to tell you the truth" and nearly laughed out loud.

How she could think I have any bit of trust in her right about now to say such an absurd thing? We havent decided to R or not just yet, I havent decided if I am willing to try to rebuild trust in her or if that is even going to be possible for me.

Last night I wanted a break from drama. I felt hungover from D-day and just didnt feel like going there since we have this long weekend together for deep talks.

We took our daughter out for a picnic at the playground. My wife told me she wanted to watch a movie about a married couple's reconiliation with me. I agreed to watch the film with her, but not tonight - I needed break from the drama so we watched a comedy instead. A DeNero mobster comedy - dark enough to match my mood, but a few chuckles to help lighten it.

And while we tried to avoid deep conversation, she still tearfully apologized a few times. And I allowed a snarky unproductive comment to slip off the tongue. Otherwise we were able to largely avoid hot topics.

This morning on her way out to work she gave me another tearful apology for hurting me. She expressed disillusion with herself - she has been trying to work on her spiritual development and recognizes the hypocricy and betrayal of her own standards/sense of morality. Complimented me on how effectively I was able to implement my positive changes in relatively short time while she only managed to become a fraud over that time instead. (I agreed that Jesus or the Dalai Lama would be highly unlikely to suggest adultery as a path for enlightenment! lol)

Anyway - its tough for me not to be moved by these tearful apologies. Its hard for me to understand how she can manufacture such tears and the look in her eyes when she cries them. How can I verify she has authentic remorse for me and our family and not just crying out of guilt/shame she got caught?

I have not yet accepted any apologies nor have I tried to soothe her when she criticises herself. I agree that what she did was painful and wrong. I agree that what she did was hypocritical and fraudulent, even more so for someone who fancies themself on a path of spirtual development.

The other night she was blame shifting, but she has been taking ownership last night/this morning in her apologies. She looks me deep in the eyes as tears well up in hers and expresses herself in what seems to be sincerity. I honestly have never seen her so distraught or cry so much as I have these past few days since the bomb dropped.

My #1 problem this weekend will be my ability to verify her authenticity. I am a much more cerebral than emotional person, so I am not sure I can trust my ability to see through the emo stuff and understand the truth. And while I am an optimist, I am also a natural skeptic so there are some internal conflicts if I can believe or not. Any guidance on that would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 5:07 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Well one way she could help here is to stop deleting any received messages and letting you see the content. Since you have access to the phone bill you can see whether what she shows you lines up with the numbers and not just a show for your eyes. Really I cannot believe that in the midst of all of this with her tearful apologies she would still delete the messages! That is just crazy. Frankly I don't understand why he's not blocked on her phone but at a minimum she needs to stop deleting.

Also did she have an answer as to why she didn't volunteer the information? It is also unacceptable that she didn't tell you right away.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Thanks for your response beenthereinco,

To answer your questions; Its because while I have offered the potential for a R, it has not been agreed upon yet nor has any of the terms of a possible R been discussed.

She offered to disclose AP contact attempts on D-day when she said the A would be ended. Yesterday was my 1st 'test' and she sorta failed because she didn't volunteer, and while her replies matched the pattern I thought I saw, without evidence of what was said because the message was deleted...I cannot be sure what really happened. I do see record there was no response, but that could simply be because she picked up her work phone and dialed him directly.

This 3 day weekend we intend to spend much time discussing things and if R is something that may truly be feasible or not.

My challenge during this time is to determine how authentic she seems about her remorse and willingness to make amends.

Again, I am a more logical than emotional person so I want to be sure I can see the truth behind the tears.

If I feel she is legit - I will discuss what I need to see for the R attempt - which will be built off concepts I learn from this website along with some other things I need to see from her.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 5:24 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

She just demonstrated that she will lie. Why are you already considering offering r? You asked her to tell you about any contact and she didn't. She is currently not r material.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 5:37 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

To answer your questions; Its because while I have offered the potential for a R, it has not been agreed upon yet nor has any of the terms of a possible R been discussed.

Wait so you are saying she is keeping him available until you commit to Reconcile with her and not Divorce? If that is what you mean here then do not pass go, do not collect $200, Just proceed immediately to Divorce. Tell me that is not what you meant here please.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Sorry - still cant seem to use the quote feature

clouds777: the idea of a possible R has only been proposed. I am still undetermined if I have the stamina for that. I am still undetermined if she has the sincerity for that. Everything is still so new and raw.

I did not ask her to end the A, I did not ask her to go NC, I did not ask her to report. She volunteered to end the A, she volunteered to report all contact attempts.

Yesterday was her 1st opportunity to report - she failed to do so. You are right, not the best sign and one I have noted.

Beenthereinco: She claims she is not keeping him available....she claims the A is over. But since I haven't agreed to reconcile just yet, I haven't told her about what terms I'd require for that.

This website will be a key resource in the R terms I will be seeking from her (and that I will be studying up on today) - IF I can be convinced that she is truly remorseful and willing to recommit to the marriage.

She did file for divorce. And since D-day 2 days ago, she also claimed to end the A, went from blame shifting to ownership...suggested we watch a film about a married couple's reconciliation. And her tears are quite convincing

So I feel I have some extreme mixed messages to sort through.

Once a decision has been made either way, I will start participating in the D or R forums rather than 'Just Found Out'....everything is still so fresh right now I am not sure whats really going to happen

Thanks for your comments!

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 6:15 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

To me though if she really wanted to save this marriage she wouldn't need you to tell her what to do here. This is some common sense stuff. For example

1. Withdraw the divorce filing

2. Tell him to never contact her again, show you that she did that and then block him on all communications.

3. Research on resources for herself like finding books, find a site like this one for support, start bugging you to go to marriage counseling (Although don't do it for now)

4. Find herself a counselor

This seems to me to be the bare minimum and she ought to be able and willing to do that all on her own. The fact that she is not offering these things and is not actually telling you before you ask that he contacted her and is not showing you the messages when he does contact her is to me a clear sign that you have nothing to work with for Reconciliation at this time.

posts: 1429   ·   registered: Dec. 13th, 2016
id 8583481
Topic is Sleeping.
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