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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 6:08 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Hello All....new user here...hate to be here, but glad this place exists. In the time I was waiting for my account to be activated I took a deep dive into this website reading the articles and threads before my account was activated to make this 1st post.

Yes, my wife and I were having problems. She is my dream girl, and she all but worshipped me in return - we had a love of the ages! But life happens...we have 7 kids together and logistics of that...long story short; over the years we had lost sight of each other. There were times that I was neglectful to her needs, and under a lot of stress which I didn't always handle the best ways making me increasingly unpleasant. She became increasingly withdrawn

I take ownership of my 50%....hell I am willing to own 65% that created an unhappy environment. 5 months ago I reached my own personal rock bottom when I felt my wife and kids slipping away from me.

As the head of household I feel it is my duty and obligation to identify when my family is heading to crisis and do whatever it takes to steer things back on track.

I committed to serious and significant positive personal changes. I re-committed to a lifestyle of healthy thinking, healthy living, and healthy loving. I lost 50 pounds! Even better than that, I had finally conquered a life long demon: I vanquished my temper! I found a calm and clear inner platform to operate from and was highly motivated.

These changes made immediate impact with my children - but bafflingly did nothing for my wife, who begged to see these types of improvements for years. In fact, she seemed offended at these improvements and openly expressed her skepticism and doubt my sincerity. She says its too little too late, she checked out of the relationship and other common phrases we BS hear.

Undaunted I feel she needs more time to be convinced...and indeed we are communicating and enjoying our friendship better than we have in ages. I think maybe I can pull this out of the tailspin after all.

Then she files for divorce. Says she doesn't have the finances to move out any time soon so she wont serve me right away unless I make things uncomfortable. She's still assuming the worst of me..but I am no longer that man who reacts, I am now a man who responds...and I chose to continue giving the best of myself to my wife and her children (my step kids) for however long they stay under our roof.

Then she serves me. (2 days ago now) What's the rush? What's really going on here?

I never really had strong urge to snoop but I admit I couldn't understand why my wife wasn't appreciating the change of culture in our household, how could she not see what was happening? was she distracted? So I logged into her email, I know the password always have...never felt truly compelled to breech her privacy because she had legitimately earned my trust over the years.

There are no words to describe it - reading those emails - it was probably the single most painful experience of my life. Not only was I hurt by the betrayal - but the way she easily cheapened herself sexually for this man was indescribable for me. This thing had been going on for 4 months and got physical in the past couple weeks. A former co-worker who checked in to say hi...becomes an EA...and..ugh.

Yesterday was our 4th wedding anniversary. I have been in a mindset of wooing my wife back and had happy plans. Instead, I am served divorce papers and discover my wife's affair. Again, just no words to describe that feeling(s).

When she gets home that night she is in full on fight/flight mode. I approach her from my recently developed calm and clear platform - passing the ultimate test, I remained centered and grounded throughout.

My response in my darkest hour finally convinced my wife that my evolution was authentic and she broke down in tears apologizing all night long and promising to break it off with the AP...that all she wanted was attention and things had just gotten out of hand. We spoke until she fell asleep. I didn't sleep a wink.

The next morning I told her if she was willing to commit to our marriage and reinvest her energy into our family and do what it takes - that I might be willing to work toward forgiveness for the sake of the reconciliation I had been pursuing this entire time.

Its only been 48hrs...I don't know whats going to happen or how much more I have to give - though I feel compelled to explore. Long weekend coming up, wife and I will have a lot to talk about.

If anyone could share any insight on how to make the most of this time with her this weekend - I'd appreciate it - thanks for reading

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 12:22 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 39   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8582873
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Wool94 ( Member #53300) posted at 6:24 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

UnhappyDaddy, I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here.

First off, let's get this straight. You could've been Hitler in this marriage, but that never gives her the right to cheat on you. She has every right to divorce but not cheat.

Others will be along shortly with more advice.

I'm more concerned about your well being.

How are you sleeping and eating?

Who are you talking to during this time?

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Take care of yourself during this time. If you can't eat, try protein shakes. If your not sleeping, possibly visit your Dr. They can help. Tell him/her what's going on. You're not the first nor the last. While you're there, get tested.

Seek counseling. I personally had many friends and family I could confide in. My preacher, who was also one of my best friends, was a huge help.

I know you said you've just lost 50 lbs. That's great. Don't stop doing the exercises. I was into Taekwondo for about 20 years and that paid off during my time of this. I was able to hit and kick without fear of going to jail.

Don't beg or grovel with her. You didn't cheat!

You need to start seeing yourself as the prize. Get angry and use that anger constructively.

God bless and stick around. You'll hear a lot of advice you may or may not agree with.

If you don't agree with it, step back and try to figure out why.

There is no short cut to getting through this pain.

I totally agree that it takes about 2 to 5 years to get back to some semblance of normal life.

God bless bro. Just know you aren't alone.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 12:27 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

D-Day #1: April 7, 2016
D-Day #2: May 21, 2016
D-Day #3: June 7, 2016
Me: 1975
Her:WW (amn8r) 1981
Son 2006
Daughter 2009
"God not only loves you, but He actually likes you. "-Stephen Hooks

"My faith is mine now."

posts: 3800   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2016   ·   location: Roll Tide Country 🇺🇸
id 8582888
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:24 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

1 - Affairs die upon exposure. Is the AP married?

If so, notify his wife (or girlfriend). The OBS has a right to know (to live in truth vs lies).

Do not warn your wife because she will warn the OM and he will discredit you.

2 - She needs to provide you with a detailed timeline of her affair (who, what, when and where, including how she felt when she returned home). The timeline is a necessary step in your wife's therapy by transforming (in her head) her harmless romance into an inappropriate act of betrayal.

3 - She needs to send a NC letter/email to the OM and you need to witness it. NC means 100% no contact. Not even seeing him drive down the street.

4 - She needs to account for her time and be 100% transparent (all social media, texts, etc).

5 - Both read:

"Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass .... and

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda MacDonald

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:25 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Thanks for the responses guys, I appreciate them quite a bit!

While I own my share of creating an unhappy marriage - her crossing the line is of her own doing, I take zero ownership of that! I have a serious caged fury about her decisions right about now!

No STD check, no NC letter yet....because we havent determined if we will attempt reconciliation or not at this point. The idea is merely on the table - there are a lot of things to sort out.

My wellness path remains intact, I get a lot of satisfaction from it and cant imagine abandoning it now. I don't have much appetite but I am otherwise OK

I just happened to have an IC session scheduled the very day after D-Day so that helped me vent and get some tips on how to keep my mind right.

I have told my best male friend, who I worry was a good idea or not. And I told my mother.

I also dont know how to contact the OBS otherwise I likely would.

My wife told me that she told the AP the A had been discovered when she was on her drive home to confront me that night and caimed he ended it right there and ran to the hills.

Over the course of our conversation that night she came to realize that she may have been exploited by an opportunist who cut and run as soon as it started getting dramatic. She was distraught with herself, cried bucketloads feeling duped and ashamed....apologized numerous times, promised she was done with it.

Yet the next morning she confessed that had I not discovered the A and the way I responded to it... that she very well would have continued.

Now I find myself glued to the online phone/text usage info...I hate feeling this way. But I see he was texting her all yesterday morning after she left for work.

When she returned that (last) night, I told her I knew she was communicating with him and asked if she met up with him...which she said he was groveling and asking to talk with her...so she met up with him - allegedly to reiterate that she felt he used her and she was done with the A.

I have zero evidence that this interaction occurred as advertised. However, there is also no evidence of phone/text communication with AP since the approximate time she said this convo happened. They may be using another form of communication...I dunno, I cant spin out about that.

As to the idea of reconciliation she says she was sufficiently alienated in the marriage that she was moving towards divorce long before the A happened. She said that the A had little to do with her desire to divorce....the old version of me

But now she has seen beyond shadow of doubt that I can handle adversity like a boss she is completely bewildered and has softened her stance and willing to talk.

Yet she is also embarrassed about the A to the point she feels that it may just be too much for us to overcome.

Maybe she is right...I dunno. We got lots to talk about.

Thanks again!

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 1:22 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 7:21 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Over the course of our conversation that night she came to realize that she may have been exploited by an opportunist

Thanks for the belly laugh, though I suspect your comedy may have been unwitting. Your WW was not "exploited". She made a long series of conscious choices and decisions to betray you, fuck another man, and lie to you about it.

Stop playing the pick-me dance.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8582936
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 7:27 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Well noted!

Merely relaying what she said - which I have no choice but to take with a hearty grain of salt.

We have a 3 day weekend coming up where we'll spend a lot of time discussing things....if we decide to attempt a reconciliation or not.

I know full well if she or I choose not to, that I instantly become one of the most eligible bachelors in my city! That was also part of my growth - to prepare for an awesome life no matter what happens

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 1:29 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 7:44 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

My wife told me that she told the AP the A had been discovered when she was on her drive home to confront me that night and caimed he ended it right there and ran to the hills.

She's lying.

Over the course of our conversation that night she came to realize that she may have been exploited by an opportunist who cut and run as soon as it started getting dramatic.

Don't entertain this line of reasoning ever again. GET MAD. Tell her everything she did was of her own choice and because she wanted to do it.

She was distraught with herself, cried bucketloads feeling duped and ashamed....apologized numerous times, promised she was done with it.

She's lying.

Yet the next morning she confessed that had I not discovered the A and the way I responded to it... that she very well would have continued.

She's Telling the truth.

Now I find myself glued to the online phone/text usage info...I hate feeling this way. But I see he was texting her all yesterday morning after she left for work.

When she returned that (last) night, I told her I knew she was communicating with him and asked if she met up with him...which she said he was groveling and asking to talk with her...so she met up with him - allegedly to reiterate that she felt he used her and she was done with the A.

She's lying.

I also dont know how to contact the OBS otherwise I likely would.

You have his phone number?

Paid resource: beenverifieddotcom

You can get a promotional price for very little (And it is not expensive anyway) and you will know everything about him and you will also find out how to contact his wife if he has one.

Free resources: truepeoplesearchdotcom and fastpeoplesearchdotcom

You can probably find out a good bit of information about him through these links, but not as comprehensive as the above resource.

Also white[ages, mylife and other might have some free info.

There are other ways to find out what you need to know, fast. Ask if you want to know how.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 7:49 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Make sure you EXPOSE the A with her parents and siblings, I would also have her apologize to your parents for her huge betrayal, demand she gets tested for STDs regardless (you should too), she's still the mother of your children and the faster she gets tested the better, also the "walk of shame" to the doctor's office helps with remorse. FULL EXPOSURE without warning typically kills the "beautiful, romantic and exciting" aspect of the A, and replaces it with pure shame and embarrassment, the more she hates the A, the more she will hate POSOM and the less likely she would cheat again in the future. Make sure you contact OBS, ask your WW, she knows, if she refuses, that means she's still protecting POSOM and therefore not a good candidate for R by a very long shot, you may also try to find her online, or even hire a PI to have POSOM followed, the PI could get you that info in less than 24 hrs.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 8:04 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

She met up with him and you are no longer seeing messages or calls between them?

Look for the burner phone he gave her so they can stay in secret contact. I found my xWW's burner phone in the trunk of her car.

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Okokok ( Member #56594) posted at 8:05 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Glad you're here and posting despite the circumstances. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

There are so many ways to take whatever path you're going to take from here. No matter what happens, I can guarantee you there will be more ups and downs than you'll be able to count. Be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself.

In your posts here, I'm detecting some common patterns in how your WW is talking and acting. If you've spent enough time during that deep dive you took, you may have noticed that often infidelity follows very clear and time-worn patterns.

It's important to keep that in mind for when you're receiving advice here; it means that often whatever advice/perspective you're getting is likely very accurate and backed up by years of experience and hundreds/thousands of examples. WSes, BSes, APs, and OBses all tend to do and say the same things.

Your wife is no different.

I also dont know how to contact the OBS otherwise I likely would.

It's important for a few reasons that you figure this out and do it, and generally it's important to do so without letting WS know.

Most brand-new BSes find it difficult to believe they should do this, aren't sure why they should, and actually fear doing it. How do you feel about it?

she met up with him - allegedly to reiterate that she felt he used her and she was done with the A.

It's not clear to me - when did this happen? *After* DDay? Just FYI, the chances that they kissed, maybe had sex, and/or made plans to take the affair deeper underground (figure out how to communicate in other ways, etc.) on that day are high. Just keep your eyes open, and at the very least don't believe *this* very common story of a "one last time" meetup.

she says she was sufficiently alienated in the marriage that she was moving towards divorce long before the A happened.

This is a pretty common little bit of psychological trickery that almost all WSes use at one time or another.

First, she's "blame-shifting" here. Be careful not to let this become part of the story. Do not let "I was alienated by you!" emerge as the story as to why the A happened.

Likewise, do not let let the "I was moving toward D and it was your fault and all of these things were happening before my relationship with my boyfriend happened" become the story. That's another common trick. The equivalent to saying "The marriage was already over! I really didn't do anything inappropriate or wrong!"

When people do things that are 1) shunned by society, friends, and family, and 2) against their own value systems, they almost subconsciously begin using tricks like this to deflect blame and make themselves look/feel less ashamed.

Don't fall prey to that; it's a recipe for disaster (for you).

None of this is to say that you aren't partially responsible for your marriage problems. That's separate from what we're talking about here in regard to the affair.

~

You honestly seem like you're in a pretty good place so far. Just keep posting, asking questions, checking in, etc. We're here for you.

[This message edited by Okokok at 2:07 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

Erstwhile BH and BBF. Always healing.

Divorced dad with little kids.

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Massachusetts
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 8:07 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

BTFG is right. Your WW's statement 1. is total bullshit. 2. It's making her a victim. 3. It's deflecting HER responsibility for the A!

she confessed that had I not discovered the A and the way I responded to it... that she very well would have continued.

And you are OK with this? She realized after she is busted and AP "runs for the hills" that you actually ARE a great guy? I would be very skeptical if I were you.

If I were you, I would be making plans by myself for the long weekend. let your WW pursue YOU, not the other way around. Her actions will tell you a lot.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 8:07 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Thanks for the tips everyone!

Again...I am not sure if reconciliation is going to be possible - from my own perspective. I am exhausted and don't know if I can go through all that.

I have very little interest in living the life of a paranoid BS constantly looking for signs of infidelity...hiring PI, mucking around with spyware, jumping at shadows, et al. That sounds far too stressful for my tastes.

My wife earned my trust the hard way over time and trials - and that trust is obliterated for me. I don't know how realistic it is for me to say I can ever redevelop it. It very well may be easier for me to just wash my hands of it all and move forward in life.

But still my devotion to the family life I had not so long ago...7 innocent children to think about, complicates things.

I have a lot of thinking to do leading up to our weekend.

As far as anger goes folks - I had a volcanic temper at one point. It was no good for me. Anger clouds the mind. I far prefer the path of the Jedi to the path of the Sith and be consumed by the dark side lol (as tempting as it may be!)

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beenthereinco ( Member #56409) posted at 8:20 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

I get the desire to not be an investigator forever but here is a single idea. Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) at Best Buy or Amazon and some velcro stickers and put it under her car seat. Make sure it makes no noise when it turns on. You won't have to search for long. The next time she leaves the house she will contact him if they are still in contact.

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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 8:29 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

VAR...already makes my skin crawl to think about doing that.

We haven't agreed to a reconciliation...I don't know if I have the stamina for it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust her. It may be just a huge waste of time and effort.

I am extremely skeptical of her right about now - only a fool wouldn't be.

How willing she would be to comply to the terms I'd have for reconciliation will speak volumes to my interest in going down what seems a very challenging path.

I appreciate you all giving me food for thought here! Because of your collective experience, I'll be in better position to identify red-flags - thanks for pointing some out already!

[This message edited by UnhappyDaddy at 2:32 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

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id 8582975
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Wanttobebetter ( Member #72484) posted at 8:49 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

There is no rush to make a decision R or D. I am not saying staying for the kids but your decision has tremendous impact to them. Take your time and eventuating everything before making a decision. You definitely need to inform OBS. Ask her to stay somewhere else to give you head space so that your decision isn't influenced by her being there and manipulate you.

stay strong and take care.

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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 8:57 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

Don't be an investigator forever, but be a dedicated investigator for a little while.

If you even think there is any chance of reconciliation, you need to obtain as much truthful information as you can in order to rest at night.

And if you decide to divorce, it helps to have that information to quell the doubts that maybe you made a rash decision.

THIS SUCKS, BUT IT WORKS

A Voice activated recorder is a great start. The Sony ICD-PX470 is a "sweet spot" recorder. Buy a Sandisk 32GB sd card and you'll have weeks of record time.

Don't put black tape on it etc. Read the manual for 15 minutes and you can kill all beeps and optimize recording.

Phone monitoring: Flexispy.

Keylogger: I haven't tried it, but Spytech SpyAgent is probably the best known name.

Throw a GPS in her car trunk.

***

Do those things + some snooping and you will know everything you need to know and you do't have to rely on a lair to tell you the truth.

Sickening, I know.

Good luck.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8582990
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 UnhappyDaddy (original poster New Member #75323) posted at 8:58 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

I realize she claims that the A has ended. I have no evidence or reason to believe that.

I don't understand why she would play the role of remorseful WS. What is the point? She filed for divorce - I have seen threads here where the poor BS had the A rubbed in their faces as their WS danced merrily to divorce.

If my WS was that gung ho for the A - why wouldn't she just say 'Suck it - I am out to upgrade!!' that would make things a lot easier on both of us than to continue to pretend the A isn't happening and go deeper to hide it. That just sounds pointless waste of effort.

I know her pretty well...at least I thought I did. She does appear genuinely remorseful and distraught about it all - at least in my presence. She is not an Oscar winning actress...I am not sure how she'd fake those kind of tears?

On the other hand - the way you guys have mentioned that some of her words are rather typical - I'd like to make sure I can see through the tears and sniff out questionable responses

Thanks again!

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Kaliber ( Member #74046) posted at 8:59 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Hi UnhappyDaddy, sorry you are here!

reconciliation is a huge path with lots of effort, the success rate is extremely low, it takes 3-5 years to reconcile, with constant work, and yes you have to play detective and marriage warden through out the process, and at the end it might not even work, so know that!

Brother, it's to much work, lots of it, so if you are worried about that, about being a constant detective and marriage warden then I will advice you to move on and not waste years of you life that you can never take back!

The vast majority (I say the vast majority ) of betrayed spouses that attempt reconciliation do because they are either co-dependent or they feel they can't do any better and it's the best they can do!

Now I'm going to ask you something, forget about every thing, kids, house, work etc.., forget about all, just think about your self, about YOU:

After what she did, betraying you and filing for divorce, is she worth the years of reconciling and keeping around as a wife?

You will know the answer to that if you know your self worth, how much you value your self, and if you can do better!

And you need to expose the affair to all family and friends, doesn't matter if you stay or leave, she must face consequences for her betrayal!

I'm sorry you are here, it's a shit sandwich you got served!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 3:14 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

You don't have a choice of being a victim, but you always have a choice of remaining one!

posts: 145   ·   registered: Mar. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Germany
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 9:01 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

What is she going to do to restore the trust?

Repairing things is a huge job that she may or may not able or interested in doing. A week ago she was fucking another man and now it's all a big mistake and she loves and wants to be with you and the family? Prove it.

Your goal is to get the F out of infidelity, wither with her or without her.

What happened with the D papers she filed? Are you in the 6-12 month waiting period?

Right now most of what she says is for her benefit like she was tricked by a horny bad man. So be sure you are able to verify what she says.

Try and keep calm and moving forward. Beware of the love bombing, and false re-write of the marriage.

We know a lot because we've seen a lot. Keep posting.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:04 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Member #64418) posted at 9:08 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Look for the burner phone he gave her so they can stay in secret contact. I found my xWW's burner phone in the trunk of her car.

You don't even need to look for this (above) - more likely they are using whatapp or one of the countless wifi messenger services to communicate that leave no trace on your bill (my advice to look for these are battery stats in the iphone if that is what she uses - most overlooked statistic on that phone). If she is like my WH she will use the app and then delete it - and hide it in hidden apps so it does not (necessarily) show up on purchased apps or anywhere else...but it will still show on the battery stat.

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8582999
Topic is Sleeping.
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