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Am I being irrational or controlling?

Lifeexploded posted 8/15/2020 22:16 PM

I'm trying to understand my feelings and why this is bothering me. Would love some insight.

Every year I have the worst time finding shorts for school for my 14 year old. We usually shop at Ross/TJ Maxx because we are on a budget and the kids like name brand clothes.

He rarely can find shorts in his size that he likes for some reason. That size is always picked over. I have taken him to a few stores but so far have only found one pair.

This weekend is my weekend with the kids and he asked me to take him shopping tomorrow.

I asked the ex if he would be interested in take the other kids for me since he has a class next weekend and won't be able to take the kids for the whole weekend and will miss time with them. He said he would text me back tomorrow morning. About half an hour later he called our son and told him that he would be taking him clothes shopping. He had not ran this by me yet.

I sent ex a text that said "Thank you for offering to take kid to get clothes. That's fine but I would appreciate it if you could discuss that with me first. Are you sure you don't mind paying for some clothes on top of paying child support?"

Because obviously I'm not going to pay him back when I have to control over how much he spends.

He said "I don't mind I don't have food in RV wouldn't be any fun in here for them."

Yes, I saved that text because he has been threatening to file for 50/50 custody (topic from yesterday).

I gave some suggestions on where to take him and not take him based on where we had already been. I offered to all go together and I would pay for the clothes unless he wanted one on one time. He said he wants one on one time. I said that's fine.

Honestly, I think he's going to try to convince the kid (age 14) to live with him. When I first asked for a divorce, he told our adult daughter that we are divorcing because I am mean to him and that he was going to try to get one or more of the boys to live with him because I am mean to them too. Not true. So now I'm mad because he didn't even run these plans by me. I'm paranoid he is going to try to take the kids away from me, which is stupid because he is a crappy dad and lives in an rv but it's all because he hates paying child support.

I learned my lesson. I'll never ask him to take any of the kids during my time again. I figured he would rather spend time with the other 4 since next weekend he's going to miss out on an entire 24 hours because of a gun safety/first aid class he signed up for on HIS WEEKEND. Again, without even asking me if that was ok. Who cares if maybe I had plans? Luckily I didn't.

[This message edited by Lifeexploded at 10:26 PM, August 15th (Saturday)]

Okokok posted 8/16/2020 08:49 AM

Rest assured, everything you're explaining here sounds *completely* rational on your end and definitely not controlling.

Also normal, I might add. Get used to conversations like this. There will be less and less over time.

The text you sent is perfect and similar to texts I have to send from time to time. I know it's uncomfortable; it is to me, too.

Re paying for clothes: I'm not lawyer or child support expert, but the calculations have been done, and he should be paying for 50% of shared kid expenses (like clothes, which generally go back-and-forth between homes) *on top of* the child support FYI.

Also, regarding his day off for his class: I know it sucks, and you should definitely continue to have a dialog with him about scheduling things on his kid days, BUT this is a little something you can put in your pocket for later. Eventually it's almost inevitable (especially during the pandemic when it may be difficult to have a babysitter) that you'll need him to take the kids on one of your days. You're both going to have to figure out how to effectively communicate and work together in those instances.

In the end, you're figuring out all the boundaries, and you seem to have navigated this moment well. It doesn't help in your situation that you have a coparent who is living in less than ideal conditions for kids.

Lifeexploded posted 8/16/2020 09:34 AM

Thank you. I tried to discuss it with him again this morning and he just kept saying "I didn't think it was a big deal." Which is his way of saying "I dont care what you want so stfu." To be honest I was hoping for the one in one time but he let me take the same kid fishing a few weeks ago so I let him have it today. I have been meaning to deep clean this kid's room and this is a perfect opportunity. If his dad tries to convince him to live with him, he will come home to a clean room (washer and dryer are in his room so it can easily get cluttered with laundry.)

As far as the clothes, I gladly pay for all of their stuff. I paid for the other three school age kids. I spent over $500 in one day. So he can pay today.

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