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Divorce/Separation :
Need advice

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 Lighthousegrl (original poster New Member #70334) posted at 4:55 PM on Sunday, August 9th, 2020

So I’m sorry I haven’t followed my initial thread. With that being said the background is a 22 year marriage and 9 yo

Spouse announced last year he was done. Then I saw the texts from OW. He claims he met her 5 days after he told me our marriage was over. We separated. And the whole year + I begged him to file, to tell me the truth/timeline of OW. He said he wasn’t with her anymore. But he refused counseling for us. And basically walked away. I retained a lawyer a few weeks ago. Fast forward to recently -daughter see photo of him and girl on his phone. It’s the OW. I ask him about it- they are “just friends”. This morning I got confirmation that he’s with her.

He claiming that they “weren’t physical most of the time .....went weeks without seeing each other .... Have been hanging out not that much.

He is with her. His car is at her house this morning.

I’ve begged him this whole year to tell me the timeline and the truth. Because I’ve been really struggling with the abandonment and shock. I said it would help me heal. .....He refused.

So my question is. Do I bother exposing her and him to family

His family a year ago —knows his “ timeline “ and story ....“Terrible marriage grew apart. Met OW 5 days after he told me he wanted a divorce.“

He’s lied to me. Our daughter. His family. She is not married.

Divorced. No kids.

Do I just swallow the pain n keep moving

I think I should. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. Marriage n family we built doesn’t matter. Any input appreciated.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2019
id 8572132
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Okokok ( Member #56594) posted at 5:40 PM on Sunday, August 9th, 2020

Do I bother exposing her and him to family

Exposure has value for a BS sometimes. Generally, it's the #1 tool to kill an affair.

In your case, it sounds like he's been gone for a year, he has a story in place, and you have no evidence of that story not being true.

I guess my big question for you is: what would you hope to get out of this exposure? You have to be careful because no matter how right you are, there is an extremely high probability that doing something like this would accomplish 0% of what you're hoping it would, and it would have the added effect of making you look very, very bad to other people who otherwise aren't thinking about this or you at all.

Sucks, I know. Just one of those shitty infidelity realities.

We separated. And the whole year + I begged him to file, to tell me the truth/timeline of OW.

First, what is stopping you from doing the filing yourself?

Second, I *totally* get how maddening it can be to not know the reality of your situation. Your WH is destroying you with his lies and half-truths. Rest assured, this...

He claims he met her 5 days after he told me our marriage was over.

...is never, ever, ever, ever true.

But I recognize how good for you it would be if you could possibly somehow get confirmation that you're not crazy and this started before your husband left.

What have you done to investigate? Checked old phone records? Checked social media stuff? Etc.?

Also: what was your relationship like with your husband in the months leading up to his announcement that he was leaving? Was he angry a lot? Distant? Protective of his phone? Etc.?

Do I just swallow the pain n keep moving

You swallow it, process it, heal from it. You work on being an awesome mom and person and go from there.

It's a tough walk to walk, but you can get lots of help here doing it.

EDIT: having now read your initial post, I can see that you do have evidence that he was having an affair.

I know it's hard and sad, but there are steps you can take to move forward from here. Even if you struggle to see why it's important simply for *you* to move forward in healing, think about your daughter; she needs, more than anything, to have a mom who is happy and healthy and ok. It's a gift you'll be giving her.

[This message edited by Okokok at 11:41 AM, August 9th (Sunday)]

Erstwhile BH and BBF. Always healing.

Divorced dad with little kids.

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8572145
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J707 ( Member #63778) posted at 6:15 PM on Sunday, August 9th, 2020

It's always one of those "we just met". Miraculously my XWW just met her AP on a "cellphone game" and rented 4 Airbnbs within the first 4 weeks of our separation. Even though I had piles of evidence dating back, she denied and still to this day years later denies anything.

I came to the conclusion that I would never get anything from her, even with everything I had. So in your case, you may never get the whole truth. One thing that helped me was, I knew the truth and I didn't need some lying cheater to confirm it. You know the truth too. Fuck him and his unremorcful self.

I don’t matter. Marriage n family we built doesn’t matter.

I felt this same way. But the fact is that you do matter! Even though your stbx is who he is, that doesn't take away from who you are. While your family may look different now and in the future it is still a family, you and your daughter. Your going to find out just how strong you are for yourself and your daughter! She needs you more than ever.

You know it happened. This is the part where you heal yourself since he will never come clean. Focus on yourself, feel the feels, process it, journal it, SI saved me in my darkest hours. Continue to post!

posts: 1104   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2018   ·   location: Ca
id 8572158
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 Lighthousegrl (original poster New Member #70334) posted at 6:59 PM on Sunday, August 9th, 2020

Thank you for the responses.

I do now know the truth. And that’s what matters.

I’m moving on.

I know who he is, is a cheat a liar who took up with a broken barfly.

Thank you for the support.

posts: 33   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2019
id 8572169
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 11:10 AM on Monday, August 10th, 2020

I know who he is, is a cheat a liar who took up with a broken barfly.

The truth shall set you free. Now you can move forward without having to second guess yourself.

Dday2 was eye opening for me. I realized why our marriage was failing - because he was still cheating. It all made sense.

I hope your realization of the truth helps you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10519   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8572328
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