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Not doing so great

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Thumos posted 7/28/2020 14:19 PM

also the fact that she had a boyfriend drive her to pick stuff up means she already had that man lined up while she was on the phone sobbing with you.

Get it? Let that sink in.

Not only are her emotions theatrical and posturing, she'd also already lined up her boyfriend before the ink on your divorce decree was dry.

That's not someone you'd ever want to be stuck with in a hellish marriage.

When you examine these facts closely you KNOW you are better off. So just by that analysis alone you're doing a lot better than you think you are. "not doing so great" maybe in some ways, but objectively speaking "doing so much better" than you would have otherwise.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/28/2020 16:41 PM

You're still asking her questions and calling. Logistics or not, handle some of that stuff thru text or email. Its a lot less emotional that way.

And stop asking her questions. You can open yourself up to unwanted news when you ask private questions. Its all good, you learn and move on. As practice, just keep it to kids and logistics only. Your WW is now gone. She can sleep with 50 new guy for all you care, let her go.

As for you moving on, and finding friends. Take it easy. It'll come. Your D just finalized. We are still under COVID quarantine, it can be lonely, but its not like theres a ton of people out there doing stuff. Just start slowly exploring what you like. Food and cocktails are good. Now maybe expand on that. Get into groups or meetings with others withs similar interest. It will happen.

And most importantly, sounds like you have kids. Focus on them.

MNDad posted 7/28/2020 18:42 PM

Thanks for the advice everyone.

When you examine these facts closely you KNOW you are better off. So just by that analysis alone you're doing a lot better than you think you are. "not doing so great" maybe in some ways, but objectively speaking "doing so much better" than you would have otherwise.

You are absolutely right. I don't give myself enough credit, never really have in my life. I have a lot to be proud of. Lost fifty pounds so far, in so much better shape than I was. Emotionally, I'm getting there. I think I just get down, feel sorry for myself from time to time. I just need to keep it moving. Head up toward the horizon.

You're still asking her questions and calling. Logistics or not, handle some of that stuff thru text or email. Its a lot less emotional that way.

Yeah, that was stupid on my part. I opened myself up to that, and I had no reason to. I've taken steps today to make physical contact with her much less and I will only need to see her when we have to exchange the kids' meds. I'm going to see if there is an option on that too so that we no longer have to see each other on that end either.

Prior to that call last week, I had not talked to her for over a month and a half. Had a good run going, and then here we go again. Just trying to see that connection again. Like a drug basically.

Hawke posted 7/28/2020 21:49 PM

I'm admittedly terrible at this. I'm not sure what it is, but when I'm here in my place alone, it's like I can't figure out what to do with myself and I end up with all this pent up energy. I'm able to release it by hitting the gym, and I don't mind doing that, but sometimes it's just this feeling of all I do when I'm alone is work and gym, work and gym. I mean, that's great in a way because for so many years I was a couch potato. My body thanks me for getting things in order. But on the other hand...it's a bit empty too. I do read a lot of stuff online, so it's not like I'm just alternating between sitting at work and then lifting heavy objects at the gym, but I'm still trying to round out the rest of what makes me tick.

I know I enjoy a lot of things, it's just trying to transition them to a hobby. That's been the hard part. I've only been living alone now for about a month and a week. I guess I'm just impatient.

It did take me a couple of years to find my footing. And I still sometimes feel like my life is work, make food, work out, parent, work, make food... At first, I didn't even know what to do with spare time. I ended up drawing a vision board, which sounded kind of silly, but it showed me what I'd like my life to look like. My next steps were figuring out how to move toward making my life look like that.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I actually made a new year's resolution to socialize once a month. I mean, that sounds pretty minimal, but you have to start somewhere, right? If creating a social life is important to you, make a SMART goal. If meeting new people closer to you is important, make a goal of attending one local thing each month. (Note: I realize this is harder during a pandemic).

I will also say that laying off the booze was the best thing I have done to move my life forward. I think it's normal to turn to alcohol during an emotional difficult time, but drinking really stagnated my rebuilding. Finding out what makes you tick and transitioning things you enjoy into hobbies is more difficult if your main hobby is "making cocktails".

Incarnate posted 7/28/2020 21:52 PM

My divorce isn't even filed yet, for logistics purposes. I don't even know what my ex's body count is; three at least (one guy in 2008-2009 and a H/W couple in 2018-2019), but I suspect at least two more. It's irrelevant. Entirely fucking irrelevant. She wants to do whatever with whoever, it's no different than any other person on the street. She is no longer anything to me.

It took me a year (just shy of it; my 2nd DDay is August 14th) to hit this point. I'm still angry, I still have to fight feelings of aggression, but it's simmered down to a thick viscous syrup of anger instead of a rolling boil of volatiles.

I rebuilt my woodshop. Now that I don't have someone else telling me what I can do with the money I earn (so that she had enough to finance her interstate affairs), I take care of my kids first, me second, then I do whatever I want. I bought all of the tools I was shamed for wanting before, and I'm making side money with my skills, which I am steadfastly developing.

I do my job. I keep my kids happy and healthy, and I listen to them without judgement or negativity when they have questions or gripes about their mother. I make DAMN sure I don't talk badly about her because my opinion and (lack of) relationship with their mother should have no bearing on theirs. Plus, they're all smart, they see the difference. That's all I need.

I pursued gaming again, and I'm enjoying myself. My kids are just as involved in it as I am, and we've spent a lot of bonding time with that, and I love it.

I've met a woman, about two months ago, and we're planning a weekend getaway over what would have been my eighteenth anniversary, to go to wine country, tour some castles (if they are open for touring), spend time in a bunch of hot springs just relaxing, and at night, we'll kick back in our luxurious resort hotel room and do what generous, attentive lovers do.

I am happier, healthier, stronger, more confident, and more skilled than I was while being married to a lying, cheating, abusive, gaslighting shadow of a partner. It just took time. The last year has both flown by and crawled, and there were a few times where I didn't think I was going to make it, but I did, and by Thor, you will too.

BTW, I just ordered that book, The Way of the Superior Man. I'll read it over, it sounds good.

Best of luck to you, man. We're here for you.

[This message edited by Incarnate at 5:53 AM, July 29th (Wednesday)]

MNDad posted 7/29/2020 09:16 AM

Reading all these, especially from Thumos, has really granted me a measure of strength again. I was a pretty weak point when I wrote my original post.

Since then, I've taken a lot of steps so that I don't have to see her anymore. We were doing this exchange of kids' stuff and I'd have to see her - but I just went ahead and bought duplicates of the stuff we used to exchange so that's no longer an issue.

Also told her I'll only do exchanges of the kids' meds at her place of work. Should cut down on running into her latest STD donators.

In terms of me, I started reading that book. I also signed up to help volunteer at an organization in town. Still doing CrossFit regularly. Still getting into cooking. Also looking at other hobbies here, always had an interest in oil painted portraits and may see if I can pursue that. Not much of an artist, but not like I don't have time.

Also trying to expand my circle in terms of friends. So far, that's been limited to CrossFit, but it's slowly coming along. Got invited to a birthday party in a few weeks, so it must be working.

I know that I'm in a much better place than I was many months ago. And my kids see it. We have a great relationship, and that's really so important to me. They love me to the moon and back, and I feel the same way about them. Just great kids. Smart kids.

But they deserve a Dad who's a whole person, and not just a half a person when they are around and a walking shell when they aren't. So I'll just keep working on me and working towards who I want to be.

PeacefulWarrior5 posted 7/30/2020 02:03 AM

Realize that not all of your solutions right now are going to be permanent...meaning not all your ideas right now are the long term answers to your questions about whats next or what now...the important thing you are doing is making an effort to fill the space, not the void, but the available bandwidth you have available now that itís not being used towards your ex relationship or your ex. And you have shown you are trying and thatís more than some. Youíre trying to get up off the mat and that is the victory. Donít expect to have many good ideas at the moment. Thatís not a statement about you but about that you're putting your life back together and just like when you were younger some of the things you are going to try arenít going to stick or work. Be kind on yourself. Loose the comparison tool and instead realize that your ex has probably done little to no work on themselves. Meaning they are attracting like minded people. Saying you donít want your ex again shouldnít just be about going back to them but also in attracting another just like them. Therefore you have to grow and evolve into the type of person who Can attract and date the kind of person you now believe compliments you. Also realize that vision of that person is going to change at the same rate as you do through your healing. Allow yourself the freedom to get to know others and yourself and that youíre going to go through many new versions of yourself before you find the new you and in doing so will attract many new opportunities along the way. Enjoy the ride and donít take
It too seriously...

EvenKeel posted 7/30/2020 08:46 AM

Not doing so great
I disagree as well.

Cut yourself a break...you JUST GOT D!!!! There is a different type of healing that comes once that ink is dry.

It is normal to be sad about it. I looked at like this. I had a vision of what the next chapters of my book looked like when I was M. You envision your children growing, you moving on in life stages with your partner, etc. Then BAM - it is over....but it is not. So give yourself time to mourn and grieve that future you thought you had. I knew I was taking the right path with my D but it didn't mean it didn't come with tears and sad feelings. Give them the healing they deserve.

People told me 2-5 years of healing once the D was final. I thought that sounded extreme. When I got to 1 year, I thought "Hey, I am doing good". I was. BUT when I got to year 2; I looked back and saw how far I really came from year 1, repeat.

Most importantly, while your future chapters have changed; there is still a lot left in your book! You don't know what that is. I just knew the best was yet to come....and it was. Hang onto that my friend.

And lastly, don't ask her questions (like whose car is that) and don't respond when she offers hurtful statements(ie your kneejerk reaction of him being your replacement). It does nothing but make you feel bad and empower her in some stupid way.

Please do not be discouraged. You are so early in your healing. It will get better so hang in there.

Thumos posted 7/30/2020 08:49 AM

I know that I'm in a much better place than I was many months ago.

I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. This isnít a linear process and Iíve learned to be more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Iím not even where you are yet but Iím headed there after concluding reconciliation is just a bridge too far for me. Hang in there brother. The more you own your power and inner integrity as the man God intended you to be, the better off you will be.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:45 PM, July 30th (Thursday)]

MNDad posted 7/30/2020 12:56 PM

And you have shown you are trying and thatís more than some. Youíre trying to get up off the mat and that is the victory

Thanks. There's a phrase I have thought of often during these times and it's "the only person that is going to save me, is me." I get discouraged sometimes though, just like everyone. But I know I have to get up off the mat.

Loose the comparison tool and instead realize that your ex has probably done little to no work on themselves. Meaning they are attracting like minded people. Saying you donít want your ex again shouldnít just be about going back to them but also in attracting another just like them. Therefore you have to grow and evolve into the type of person who Can attract and date the kind of person you now believe compliments you.

I feel like the work I'm doing, it's for the benefit of myself and any future relationships I ever hope to have. And you are right, I have a vision in my mind of the type of partner I'd like. But I think about the person that I am now, and just how I'm in a bit of rough shape. Going to pretty hard to attract that type of person I'm looking for. Easy to attract someone that is terrible for me though. I suppose that's about where the ex is at.

And lastly, don't ask her questions (like whose car is that) and don't respond when she offers hurtful statements(ie your kneejerk reaction of him being your replacement). It does nothing but make you feel bad and empower her in some stupid way.

Yeah, I really screwed that up. I've done it before so it's not like I don't know any better. But for whatever reason I like to stick my hand back in that fire. I know what the reason is - I'm an addict for that connection to her and when I see the chance to get that fix, I'll take it. I just can't trust myself around her. I think this week I've taken a lot of good steps to avoid that happening again. I shouldn't have to see her again until the house sells and all communications with her have been via email now.

I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. This isnít a linear process and Iíve learned to be more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Iím not even where you are yet but Iím headed there after concluding reconciliation is just a bridge too far for me. Hang in there brother. The more you own your power and inner integrity as the man God intended you to be, the better off you will be.

Thanks, and yes feeling much better than I was earlier. Taking all of this stuff to heart and doing what I need to make things better for me and my kids.

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