SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sure I'm not alone in telling myself that if I could just have more proof I could pull the trigger and divorce my WS.

I've been spending fairly pleasant time quarantining with my WS for the last few months but there have been a few instances where he was acting suspicious. I *think* proof of continued acting out would put the last nail in the coffin but I'm terrified of subjecting myself to another dday only to still staying with him.

I'm contemplating getting a VAR to this end.

Maybe now with COVID and isolation this isn't the best time - I'm not entirely sure I can put together enough of a support system to weather more discoveries.

Anyone tested this theory?

Skeetermooch, be sure you research the laws in your state or country. Few states are no party states for recordings - where you can't place a recorder anywhere with out everyone's consent. Some states are known as all -party or 2 party for recordings. Everyone in the presence of the recorder must be aware and consent to being recorded.

There are some that are one-party recording states where you can record as long as you are in the room or at least one party in the room is aware of the recordings.

Even if it is for your own purposes or protection you should at least know the situation.

After reading your post, it just dawned on me why my WS removed the Dash Cam from my car and his own.

I always had it on and it mysteriously stopped working so he says and was removed from both vehicles when WH commenced last A. I think I may try to retrieve that footage.

Damn, what a blind sided trusting fool was I.

But he installed a Spycam with microphone in our bedroom so he Could watch me when he wasn’t home.

It still makes me sick that he did that.

Thanks Ratpicker and LadyG.

I believe my state is one-party - but I should double check. I have no intention of using this for legal proceedings or anything so, shouldn't be an issue - it's a no fault state. I'm going to endeavor not to tell him about it after he's caught but history as a guide, I don't always bite my tongue when I should.

My WS has also spied on me when we were living together because he was insecure that I was flirting with work colleagues - please - projection much?

I just need something to help me stop feeling so damned ambivalent about this quarantine reconciliation. It's torment.

Skeetermooch, as long as you are present it wouldn't be a problem in a one party state. If you hear anything from your recording when you weren't in the room - bite your tongue! It can be hard to hold back when you want to score a point in a heated moment. It can be helpful to settle things in your mind. And offer protection against false accusations.

It does not have to be voice activated. There is one that looks like a flash drive. I record family events with it and it works for hours. I have wonderful conversations of myself and my father before he passed.

I downloaded a free VAR app called Smart Recorder on a tablet I have. Then, I placed my tablet on "Do Not Disturb" so there will be no beeps... I just leave it around and no one knows it's ever there. And it's all free.

You're not alone.

I initially caught my WW with a VAR. I thought on and off about reinstating a VAR over the past couple of years.

I also went through the whole thought process of "if I just knew more, I could make a more informed decision." And if I were to find out she was cheating again, I could divorce her.

Then I finally realized, "Why? I already know more than enough. Do I really need more to make a decision?"

I also realized I didn't want to keep playing Spy vs Spy. It makes me feel gross.

Now, keep in mind, I did go through a protracted drama with her last year about getting a polygraph (which she failed) but that was as much to see if she had a truly remorseful attitude as it was about getting the truth. I didn't want to get truth via a VAR. I wanted her to tell me VOLUNTARILY.

I thought a polygraph might get her to do that. Spoiler alert: It didn't.

in any case, I bring this up because I wonder what more truth you need? Have you thought about this? Isn't what you know enough to make an informed decision one way or another?

Spy versus spy makes me feel gross too. I normally don't snoop. But I've had horrible triggers lately - I did get on his iPad and found a bunch of porn, phone sex and web cam activity.

Yes, I recognize that this idea that 'if I just knew more I could make the break' is likely not reality. I know way more than enough to make the break. I'm just still so stuck.

Thatbpguy, couldn't find that app in my App Store. Maybe bc I'm on Mac products? Not sure.

My plan for now is to rebuild my self-esteem so that maybe I can get to a place of feeling I deserve better. It's harder than I expected.

I'm just still so stuck.

I understand, I'm sorry. It really sucks. Hang in there.

Oh skeeter - I've been wondering how you're doing.

I know these are strange isolation days, but I was surprised to read that he's back in the house with you given everything that happened back towards the beginning of the year.

I remember writing something to you about how horrible it must be to have one foot in the door and one foot out...and you were really resolved to not let him back in your house. No wonder you are feeling stuck.

I have no advice on the VAR, but I remember your story well and he certainly wasn't giving you much to work with from his track record. So let's just toss around this idea of catching something new on a VAR or maybe finding something else.

Let's say you've got it in hand. Now what? What does the last nail in the coffin mean? You said you can't put together enough of a support system right now to weather more discoveries. What kind of support system would be enough for you to do what you need to do for yourself? I know it sounds like I'm challenging you - which is true in that usually there's no "perfect time" to do anything. It's never a good time to end a relationship whether it's Christmas Eve or because someone's birthday is coming up or...or...you get what I'm saying. And often there's not one single piece of evidence in a huge portfolio of evidence that will alone propel us forward into protecting ourselves.

Or what about this. Let's say the Covid days magically end tomorrow and we're back to whatever. What then? Do you immediately show him the door? What do you think would have changed for you?

I know you want to use this time to build up your self-esteem, but I wonder if it's taken a big hit by being back with this guy. If you go back and read your words from February, I think you'll see how strongly you were advocating for yourself.

Thanks for weighing in Chili.

Yeah, how the fuck did I get here from where I was? Well, had some good friends turn on me out of nowhere - and then the pandemic, financial stresses and my son went through some very intense legal stuff - forgot about that. I was also maybe sensing my WH was moving on and I just caved. I felt so alone and like I couldn't do my life on my own anymore.

So, it was mostly a comfort to have him here with some notable exceptions and then all of July was one trigger after another. I went from feeling super productive and pretty okay to increasingly anxious and depressed. His old anger came back. I snooped, made some discoveries and now I'm wrecked.

This morning was the worst. My mental health is trashed. I am seriously losing my sanity and that isn't hyperbole. I'm scared. I'm calling my doctor on Monday and getting back on meds.

On the upside I asked him to leave this afternoon and he's gone. I told him my anxiety was really bad and I needed to be alone for a little while. He hasn't reached out to me so I'm assuming he'll stay at his place tonight at least. I'm sure I'll hear from him before too long but maybe by then I'll be strong enough to keep him out. I have no idea what I'll do at this point.

I feel sad. I feel alone. I don't even have a friend I can call to vent to anymore. This sucks. Thought I found my best friend and soul mate three years ago and now I'm looking around and my life is in pieces.

I'm so glad you asked him to leave and are going to call your doctor. Asking for help during these types of periods are so important. Good for you.

Deep breaths. You'll find your center in all this - keep focusing on your own health in small chunks - "what can I do today to take good care of myself?"

Thanks, Chili. I woke up today and cleaned. I hadn't realized how dusty the house had gotten. I changed the sheets - I'll smudge the bedroom and the rest of the house later to clear his energy.

I'm teary today but less anxious. That's progress.