I don’t really know where to begin. First of all, I am the wayward spouse, but I think I might also be abused. I’m not sure and that’s why I’m here. I really need advice, I’ve never felt more scared, alone and trapped. About 4 years ago, my BH found out that I cheated on him, but we weren’t married at the time. I was a mess, I was in the middle of divorcing my high school sweetheart and yes, I was with BH at the time, but I was also drinking like a 5th of vodka every day and trying to drown my sorrows…I knew that BH thought of us as exclusive…but I didn’t. I was still technically married for the love of cheese! So, anyway, I had met up with a friend that I flirted with online and on the phone for a weekend about 4.5 years ago and we had sex and stayed 2 nights at a B&B. I also had an o.k. cupid account and talked to a few people on there, but had never met any of them. Anyway, I was on a path to try and destroy my entire life…and I almost succeeded. It culminated early on the morning of Thanksgiving, 2016. I stayed up very late (at the house I was still sharing with my soon to be ex-husband) and I was very drunk. I decided to go out and get some cigarettes at 3am and I got in a very bad wreck. I went through the window of my SUV and ended up in the hospital and then spending the rest of the night covered in sores and bruises in a county jail cell...this is the one and only time that happened to me in my entire life. I've never been in trouble with the police before or afterwards. Anyway, they didn't even press charges and I was released the next morning. My BH came to get me and he ended up taking me to his house and taking care of me for about a week. During that time, he decided to go through my phone and found evidence that I had cheated on him back in march and that I was also talking to different guys on o.k. cupid. He lost it and I started deleting texts and emails to try and cover up what I had done because I was scared that he would leave me and at this point, I was suicidal at the thought of trying to heal inside and out without any family and without him. I spent the next few months going to AA meetings and getting stronger. BH was amazing, he went to every AA meeting with me and really tried to help me heal, despite his pain over what I had done to him and to our relationship. Once I was past the danger of hurting myself, and I was on my way to healing, he wanted to dive into what I had done. We spent days and weeks and months going over and over who and what I had done...and together we decided to try and move forward.
…but here’s the thing…we never did. (Move forward, that is). I told him everything that I remembered and gave him full access to all of my electronics, but he was upset that I had deleted texts and emails and we couldn’t get them back, and because of that he says that to this day, 4 years, a marriage, and twin toddlers later, he can’t move forward. So he hurts me emotionally and verbally and he scares me with his temper. He’s broken 2 televisions and 2 guitars trying to “get his point across” during arguments. He’s called me, “A Selfish C***, Self-Centered, retarded, slutty, stupid, narcissistic, self-important, ungrateful, sociopath, and finally a waste of life” I know that these are verbatim because after about 2 years of him calling me names and scaring me, I started writing down what he said. BH says that I took those words “out of context” so of course they sound bad. However, I’ve never called anyone those things and they hurt me to my core. It’s been 4 years and to this day he checks all of my emails, he pings my phone when I’m at work to make sure that I’m not somewhere that I’m not supposed to be, he won’t let us go as a family to events at our friends’ homes, and even if I want to go see my best friend for a night and I offer to take the twins so he can relax, he throws a fit and so I’ve only seen her about 5 times in the past 4 years and I am not exaggerating about that. Here’s the worst part, I can’t take birth control because after the twins were born it started making me have a perpetual period. So, we use the catholic method, or the calendar method…and I think that he purposefully got me pregnant again. Because last week he asked me if I had gotten my period yet and I said no, but I’m bloated so it should be any day now and HE said, “You should take a test” And it was positive and he was ecstatic, he literally said, “Well, I’ll get a few months off from worrying that you’re going to cheat on me now!” and he laughed and acted like it was wonderful. Now, I have to decide whether to bring another life into the world with a man who scares me, or have an abortion…and neither one sounds pleasant. I think I’m going to get an abortion because I don’t trust him with the children we already have. I want to be honest with him, but he scares me. And when I tell him that, he acts like he’s never heard it before and that I’m being insane and gas lighting him because of our past. But I know that I’m not. I know that this can’t be right. 4 years of this up and down and over and over and I’m in complete despair. I am so broken and hurt and I just don’t know how much longer I can take all of this.
I guess I’m asking for advice and perspective. I know that what I did was wrong. I know that I should have been faithful back then, but ever since our restart I have been and more than that, I’ve been open to him in every way that I can think of. But anytime he does something horrible, and I get angry with him, he brings up the A I had from years ago and treats ME even worse! For example, on the 4th of July we had the twins and my big kids from my first marriage (DD 11 and DS 8yrs old) and we were supposed to do fireworks with the neighbors. I asked him to watch the toddlers while I lit sparklers for the big kids and he got very angry because the twins were all over the place and I wasn’t helping him keep them in line. I told him to just give me a minute and I came and grabbed our 2 yr old daughter and was watching her and the big kids with their sparklers and I turn around and he’s gone back inside with our boy twin. I went inside to find him and he had put our son to bed and gone to sleep himself…leaving me outside with the rest of our children, and the neighbors…completely alone. So I begged him to come back outside and help me with the fireworks and the kids and he said he would be right down, but he never came outside. I finished up with all the kids, gave them and myself a shower, put them all to bed, and came upstairs to lie down. I was angry and I yelled at our dog to move and then he got up and said “I’m leaving! I don’t have to listen to you b*tch about all the stuff you had to do.” And he left. And then he spent the entire next week either ignoring me or yelling at me and bringing up the affair and how he could never move on because I couldn’t produce these old texts. I even spent $50 on some software that he found to restore old texts to a phone and it didn’t work. It only went back and restored texts from 2018 and forward…nothing from before that time period. I feel like he’s using the A to keep me scared and isolated and so that he always has an excuse for bailing on me and the kids and I’m so tired of it. But maybe I’m wrong and I’m seeing things from my own incorrect perspective? Maybe it’s not that he’s emotionally and verbally abusing me, maybe it’s that I emotionally destroyed him and this is just the result and I have to either leave him or live with this for the rest of my life? That’s why I came to SI…I really need to know if I’m in the wrong…if this really is all my fault and I thank any and all of you who’ve spent your time reading this. I am just so lost and scared right now and I don’t know what’s right, what’s wrong, or really anything anymore.
Thank you, Idkwtd (WW)