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Need advice regarding OW

Elissabeth628 posted 6/29/2020 13:23 PM

I am new here and just posted my story in my first post this morning. I am planning to confront him this afternoon. I am also wanting to confront the OW - this was an online relationship/emotional affair. I want her to know that I have all of her messages to him and all of her nude pictures and sexual videos she has been sending him. I know that this probably isn't something that I need to do... but I am crawling out of my skin right now and feel that it is something that I must do. He lied to her and told her he is going through a divorce. I want to message her just minutes before confronting him, and tell her to stop all contact with him (I will be demanding the same of him) and tell her that his is still very much married and that I have all of her information. My hope is that she gets scared and cuts off contact even if he tries to reach out to her again. Their relationship has only been going on for 4 weeks but has gotten very emotional, and more serious, over the past two days according to the messages I'm reading.

Also, I know this makes me sound crazy.. but I want to find out what her real name is and where she is really from. Her Reddit profile has a name and claims she is living in a specific state. Her messages to him claim that she has a job teaching middle school children. I want her to know that I have all of this evidence and that if she communicates with him again I will expose her. But the truth is that I don't really know her real name or location.. just her Reddit handle/profile. I tried to make a post about this on the Investigative Tips forum but it won't let me post there yet. Any advice regarding this?

Thank you so much for your suppport.

nekonamida posted 6/29/2020 13:30 PM

As tempting as this is, don't frame it as you asking her to stop. If she's a good person who believed him when he said he was divorced, she will dump him. And absolutely under no circumstances should you say a word about the nudes. Even if she is a full blown OW who doesn't care about his marriage status, you doing anything with those images can be seen as revenge porn and get you in hot water legally.

Honestly, your anger is misplaced. If everything you said about OW is true, she is as much of a victim as you are. Could you imagine being single, thinking you might have a new LDR with another single man, and then being blackmailed by his wife that you didn't even know about? There's really no need for you to further victimize her and if you try and she's smart enough to go to the police, you will be the one walking away with charges.

If you are able to figure out who she is, the ONLY thing you should be doing with that info is figuring out if she has a boyfriend or spouse to inform if she too is a cheater. If she's a single woman whose only crime was believing the same liar you believed, expose your WH's lies and then leave her alone.

HellFire posted 6/29/2020 13:35 PM

As hard as it will be for you to hear this, the truth is, she is a victim in this as well. Not nearly as much as you are, but a victim. He lied to her. You have read the messages,and you know this. She believes he is divorcing. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. She doesn't know he is lying, just as you didn't know he was lying, until you found those messages.

Do not confront her at all. After confronting him, he needs to send her a No contact message, one in which he tells her he lied to her,he is not divorcing, he is very much married, and will be devoting his time to fixing whatever is broken in him, and trying to repair the damage he has done to his marriage, his wife, his children, and himself. He needs to tell her he will never contact her again,and wants the same from her.

You contacting her means nothing, if she is the kind of woman who doesn't care if he is married. It might even make things more exciting to her. But, as of now, all you know is she was lied to.

Accidentaldiva posted 6/29/2020 13:44 PM

Elizabeth, I am so impressed with your response so far! Contacting this group before confronting your husband or the other woman is so smart. I looked at the other thread and you are getting some really great advice. A lot of the same people advised me right after my DD in early April. For context, I too found incriminating e-mails. The skanky photos had been deleted but it was obvious what they were and my husband confessed to it all.

One thing I really wish I could do over is dealing with the other woman! I would definitely get screen shots and hard copies of everything you can, including the skanky photos, if you can stomach it. I would wait to confront her until after you have confronted your husband. He should be the one to tell her that he wants no further contact. I really hope for your sake that he is willing to do that right away.

I definitely think that you deserve to know her real identity and all of the details surrounding her online relationship with your husband. If she believed that his marriage was over, then that does change the context.

After your husband establishes no contact, you can think about if and what you would like to say to her. There are a few different schools of thought about this, but I think many people will tell you that no contact from either of you is the best way to make her realize that it is over.

I made a mess of this piece by sending the skank a bunch of nasty messages and then responding to a message from her by apologizing for fat shaming her. (I would love to take back that apology even though I am against body shaming. She did not apologize for her role in the affair. She also lied about the affair not being physical - it was.). In my case, she was well aware that my husband was in a committed marriage with a teen-age child when their PA started.

[This message edited by Accidentaldiva at 1:50 PM, June 29th (Monday)]

Okokok posted 6/29/2020 13:50 PM

Really, don't do this. I know it feels like you really want/have to, but it's the wrong move. You will end up looking crazy, you could get in trouble, and it will not help you or solve anything. And yeah, this other person could be totally innocent.

If you do reach out to her anyway, do not make threats of any kind to her. Your mission should be to disclose your husband's lies to her and get any info you need/want from her. That's it.

What are your thoughts on all the advice you're getting on your other thread?

ChamomileTea posted 6/29/2020 15:18 PM

Agreed with Okokok... if you contact her at all, be polite and treat her like she's a victim, even if you're not sure that she is. Bear in mind that you're in possession of her nude pics and that revenge porn laws will apply to whatever you do with them, so be careful. You don't want to get into trouble with the law.

Bor9455 posted 6/29/2020 15:56 PM

Don't talk to the OW. Don't reach out to her at all. Yes, she is a human being, and at this point, you don't know what kind of person she is.

With the information you know, she is at this point operating under the guise that your husband is getting divorced. Is it possible she is cheating on her husband and this is a farce on both sides? Sure, I grant you that possibility. It is also possible that she is a victim in all of this.

You will need to let things play out with your husband and the confrontation you have with him. You can tell a lot about what she does and doesn't know down the road. Every AP is different, and in the end, they both lie to each other, which is why when APs leave their spouses to get together, it almost always ends in total disaster. How can one sustain a healthy marriage on a foundation of lies like that.

Just hang back, let this woman be for now. There will be a time and a place to reach out to her, but that is most certainly not now. Your husband should be the focus. He should tell this woman the truth, and if she is a victim in all this, she will be respect your wishes to leave you all alone like you desire.

Elissabeth628 posted 6/29/2020 22:18 PM

Thank you for all of the replies. I decided not to contact her. I confronted him and he admitted everything (at least everything that I knew about) and he sent her a no contact message in front of me. He also deleted his messaging accounts. I know that none of this means he wonít try to contact her again soon or do the same with someone else, but at least itís a start. I read through each of your responses very carefully and I am so grateful for all of them. This is the worst nightmare I have ever been through, and I canít imagine what state I would be in if I didnít have all of these messages of support from you all. So thank you for taking the time to respond.

NotInMyLife posted 6/29/2020 22:31 PM

There person you want to contact is her partner. Do some research and find his contact information. Do not discuss it at all with your husband, just inform her partner that you have detailed proof of her online affair.

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