JamesL posted 5/6/2020 13:16 PM

I recently joined this group and have had some amazing feedback. Perspective, and guidance.

BRIEF background-
wife cheated on me in June 2019 with someone 10 years younger. I got my own place in October
My wife Is now in a relationship with the guy she cheated on me with
We have a 3 year old together.

Paperwork is almost complete, writing out the agreement to be notarized. Everything already split. Just signing off on visitation and waiving child support.

Emotionally: what should I expect? Anything blindside you?
I don’t want this divorce, but this group and therapy has shown me it’s what is best for my mental health and future well being.

[This message edited by JamesL at 1:17 PM, May 6th (Wednesday)]

fooled13years posted 5/6/2020 13:31 PM

I don’t want this divorce

Marriage is hard enough when both people are on the same page and are working together.

Your previous post has indicated that your WW has moved on and doesn't want to work on the marriage.

You have been a husband and a father for a while now but now it's time to remember who you are as an individual.

Okokok posted 5/6/2020 13:32 PM

I didn't want my divorce either when I filed. Filing was very anti-climactic.

As I recall, I handed a packet to a clerk and walked out the door, grabbed a sandwich.

JamesL posted 5/6/2020 14:11 PM

Haha I’ll grab a sandwich too!

I guess I meant from submission, to court proceedings, to final letter 90 days later.

I’ve just been blindsided with a whirlwind of emotions during the infidelity. Just trying to prep myself for anything more
Then again, maybe by this phase I’ll just be burnt out and numb?

Okokok posted 5/6/2020 14:28 PM

Ha, got it.

I guess in the process there were a couple times I was "emotionally blindsided." We had to do some required mediation, and the neutral mediator worked through all the papers we filed one-by-one to clarify, make sure everyone understood, etc.

Interesting things were revealed in those meetings sometimes that caught me off guard. It was in one of those meetings, for example, that I found out that exWW didn't *actually* buy a new house, but that her parents had bought it for her (came out in discussion/documentation of financials). That was gutting at the time; I didn't expect it, she hadn't told me and had been lying (she acted like she had bought it), and because I loved those (now ex) in-laws, it was just a whirlwind of emotions to realize that so suddenly.

It's possible you'll also have some weird moments. Sometimes there were tears.

By the end of the process...maybe 7-8 months in...it all became routine. I'd hop into the mediation meeting, then hop out. I went to all required hearings/meetings. By our last hearing, it was just simple. I walked out of the courtroom and said, "ok, see you later." And that was that.

Phoenix1 posted 5/6/2020 15:08 PM

I was on a bit of an adrenaline rush through the process, brought on with the white hot rage I was in after another DDay. After the hearing (15 minutes to end almost 30 years together), it was anticlimactic, but calming. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I have never met anyone who got married wanting to divorce, but you've got to do what is best for YOU, and staying in a toxic relationship is certainly not it. I had visions of growing old together, and he destroyed them.

I was much further out than you when we divorced, but had it been earlier I have no doubt I would have been on the emotional rollercoaster afterwards. So don't be surprised if you have those up and down feelings for a while. Focus on you and your precious DD, and building an awesome new life. Just know that true healing does take time and there are no short cuts.

Catwoman posted 5/6/2020 18:34 PM

Are you doing this without an attorney? I don't recommend that when a child is involved.

Your child is only 3. Does your agreement contain things like who carries the child on insurance, how out-of-pocket health care is to be split, orthodonture, activities like sports teams or music lessons, who pays for/supplies a car for driving and who foots that insurance bill? What about college? How will that be funded? What is included in college expenses?

You don't want to be sorting this out 14 years from now. Get it ALL nailed down. Money for an attorney now will pay off later.

Cat

Tigersrule77 posted 5/7/2020 07:04 AM

I agree with Catwoman. I hope you at least reviewed the information with an attorney.

FYI, in most states, child support can change at any time. So she may not be requesting it now, but can come back at any time and change that. Alimony can be waived, and in some states (like Maryland), that is permanent. Child support can always be adjusted when one parent has a change in their salaries or circumstances.

Catwoman posted 5/7/2020 07:13 AM

Generally, unless there is proven fraud or ill behavior, the property settlement portion of a divorce is final. As TigersRule says, child support and even spousal support is subject to modification under certain parameters, such as a change in circumstance. You need to understand what may or may not happen down the road, and you also need to get all of these unknown issues that WILL come up addressed.

Please hire an attorney. It shouldn't be a whole lot of money to hire one merely to go over the marital settlement agreement and ensure you are protected.

Cat