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Trust Issues

Hurting8264 posted 4/22/2020 15:38 PM

I am separated and have recently started a new relationship with a woman I have known for sometime. We get along really well, but I am having some struggles.
How do I deal with my trust issues and fears?
Can you ever trust again?

AngelBetrayed posted 4/23/2020 14:20 PM

As a BS, I have trust issues as well. Communicating how you are feeling and recognizing that how You feel has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. And if she is doing something that makes you feel insecure, is it your baggage or would anyone in your situation feel insecure. And talk to her, let her know what is going on

SoHappyNow posted 4/23/2020 14:36 PM

Of COURSE you have trust issues! And will have, for a while. When you're further along in time and healing, you will hopefully have learned to trust yourself. That is the most important trust. You trust yourself to be able to deal with anything that might come up to bite you in the butt. Good luck.

Okokok posted 4/25/2020 16:26 PM

I worry about this too, and have been thinking a lot about it lately.

Not only did I once fully trust my exWW, but I later *fully* trusted (without really a second thought!) my next partner, only to be burned again in a very similar way. I am wondering how/why I did that.

Two things on my mind lately:

1) What if I'm not really attracted to the type of woman who is super reliable/trustworthy? (I realize that's not a very narrow "type"; just kinda concerned that I appear to really gel with women who cheat)

2) Maybe I should just find someone who also has experience as a BS??? Seems like a million dollar dating app idea.

I dunno. I connected with someone sort of recently (in a quarantine-safe way) who would appear to be my "type" in that she's educated, fit super smart, pretty, a humanitarian...but she's also reserved, quiet, almost shy, etc...she lacks a lot of the "outgoing" traits that my previous two partners have had that, painting with a verrrrry broad brush, I feel like were red flags for cheating behavior.

And I'm struggling to feel the same attraction with her. She's "safe." Am I not attracted to that? Scary if not.

ashesofkali posted 4/25/2020 22:11 PM

Hurting8264, this is something I've struggled with as well. I loved my husband so much I would've taken a bullet for him, and I thought he felt the same way about me. But then he went & had a 5-year-long affair with another woman. I've had a loooong time to ponder it, and here's what I think now:
1. It ain't my fault. He did what he did because he wanted to.

2. There were red flags all over the place, for years.

3. If I had paid attention to those red flags, I could've saved myself a lot of heartache.

4. I gotta learn to trust myself. Any time I hear myself say "Oh, it'll be fine," that's a signal that it's not going to be fine, whatever it is. I'm great at lying to myself. I can't count on anybody else to have my best interests at heart, and that means I have to learn to trust me. Self-honesty is job #1.

Trust YOU. Be honest with yourself. Believe yourself. You can do this. Sending you hearts & hugs & smiles.

Fablegirl posted 4/26/2020 09:39 AM

I feel like the trust issues evolve like grief. They never go away entirely but they do change -- it's never a dense wall that is insurmountable. They can be managed over time but it also depends on the relationship itself and whether there are circumstances that come up between you and SO that are triggering. It's important to be aware of them and to avoid falling into a trap that healing is a straight path forward. For me, it zig zags.

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