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Jealousy

Scared1 posted 1/29/2020 12:17 PM

I've not posted on here for a very long time, but could really do with some advice please. I've been dating a wonderful guy for the past 4 and half years and have never had any cause to be jealous until recently. We attend a weekly dance class, where I teach, and we chat to a lot of people there, but there's one particular woman who he has engaged in conversation with a little more over the last couple of months - mainly over politics.
I was ok with this until this week, when he discovered they had a shared mutual interest and they spent ages together discussing it, whilst I had to teach a class! When I went over to them, she apologised for being in my seat and said they had just been talking about their interest. Even though I tried to hide my jealousy, I wondered if she could see through me.
I told my partner I wanted to leave and he was concerned that there was something wrong with me, not realising at all that he had made me jealous. I talked to him about it straight away and he understood, but said that if he finds someone, male or female, to talk to about his hobby, he finds it interesting. I've told him I don't want to stop him from talking to her, and he's assured me that I don't have anything to worry about, but I don't know how I'm going to handle this every week from now on. Any help would be welcome please. Thanks.

hardtimesinlife posted 1/31/2020 06:00 AM

I can understand why you'd feel that way.

I think it's awesome that you've spent over 4 years without feeling any worry or fear (I think that is a better descriptor than jealous, jmo)

Now you have a chance to appreciate those years and to know you can feel secure in a relationship and experience trust. I think that is a HUGE accomplishment after infidelity.

Maybe this is a nudge that the two of you need to get back to a deeper connection. Maybe this situation is occurring around something that is triggering you from the past. Maybe you really don't trust this lady at the dance class for some reason (she reminds you of ow? Your intuition is trying to warn you about her?). Maybe your self esteem is low for another reason which is allowing doubt to creep in?

In any case, I think it's important to remember that IF it should happen again, you will survive it. You shared your concerns with your partner and how he handles it from here will tell you so much about him. So far he seems to be sensitive to your needs.

You say you trust him, maybe you need to rely on that trust until this temporary situation (doubt, fear) ends. Positive vibes and hugs coming your way, Scared1.

Scared1 posted 1/31/2020 12:09 PM

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post, and for the positive vibes and hugs hardtimesinlife

Your words are very wise - the situation is triggering me and with various family problems going on, I'm not feeling quite as chirpy or relaxed as I could be. I do know I need to keep my trust in him and hope that he will handle things sensitively at dancing, should the situation arise again.

I'm not good at hiding my feelings, so I'm guessing the woman may have noticed my worry/fear. Hopefully, she too will be sensitive....

Thanks again.


WhoTheBleep posted 1/31/2020 12:55 PM

Scared, I read your post a couple of times and just wasn't in the right headspace to give a good response. I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I know I would have the same concerns, and my head would run away from rational thought and reason.

Hardtimes gave a great response.

I just want you to know you've been heard, and I get it. ((Hugs))

Scared1 posted 1/31/2020 14:15 PM

Thank you Who, it's good to know that others would feel the same way.

I'm honestly dreading next week, but I'll have to try and do my best to keep calm and composed.

I appreciate your response and hugs

LoveTKO posted 2/4/2020 07:33 AM

How does your SO treat you around this person? If I knew my SO was jealous, I would make every attempt to show him he has no need to be - maybe by introducing him as my BF, giving him a kiss on the cheek, etc. to make him feel better. I know you're teaching so it's complicated but there is after or before class..

I totally get it...

Scared1 posted 2/5/2020 11:26 AM

SO and I are always very 'touchy feely' and not afraid to demonstrate our physical affection in front of others. At dancing this week he came up to me after our first class, gave me a big hug and told me that it's me he loves, no one else.

Earlier in the evening, the woman had approached both of us, but immediately began talking to SO about their shared interest. She turned to me a couple of times and said how boring I must be finding the conversation, because I'm 'not interested' in the subject. I tried to tell her that I do find it interesting (I do, I just don't have the same knowledge that they have) but she ignored me. It was as if she was trying to make it 'their thing', for want of a better phrase, and I wasn't going to be a part of it! At one point, she even intimated about them getting together re their interest

SO is really surprised by my worries, as he's never experienced me being 'jealous' before. I do trust him, but feel threatened by her, for some reason. He has talked/laughed with plenty of women over the years and I've not been concerned.

Thanks for your understanding LoveTKO.

[This message edited by Scared1 at 1:58 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

hardtimesinlife posted 2/5/2020 15:30 PM

Bingo!
You were/are reacting to her inappropriate actions. They are Not those of someone who respects boundaries. I would imagine your SO isn't even picking those vibes up. Which is good, IMO.

If she says how boring it must be maybe just giggle and put your arm around SO and say "nothing about this man is boring" and give her your prettiest bitchiest smile ever. She needs to go! Ugh.

Scared1 posted 2/6/2020 14:05 PM

Yes hardtimes, she does need to go! As much as I'd like SO to try and steer clear of her, he says he doesn't want to appear rude, but I'm afraid he might just have to be at some point.

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