"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Hurtandbroken987 posted 12/20/2019 16:00 PM

So It's been close to 6 months since I served the WW papers. A shit show ensued. I won't go over it again and if you're interested to read it I'd say look at my post history from July time frame.

So It took me about 2-3 months before I finally broke through and saw through the fog of bullshit I have been living for the past 11 years of marriage. I feel as though our marriage ended about 5 years ago but time and determination to show my kids what a family was kept things moving.

Once I broke through and saw the shit parade of her life and how she continues to conduct herself, I started feeling happiness. I started to talk to people more and began kind of nosing around on dating sites.

Met a woman on Match. We chatted for a very long time. I was honest and said up front I was still going THROUGH the divorce. She still wanted to meet me. So after several weeks of talking online we set up a meet up. It went very well. She seemed educated and we sat there for a couple hours talking and having some drinks. One thing I have always been thankful for is that I have the ability to carry on a conversation. I listen, I actually hear what people are saying and I find it is something that draws people to me. (not trying to pat myself on the back or say I'm special. I know I'm not) Anyway, we leave the bar and I am walking her to her car. As I'm saying good bye I get the lean in.... Holy shit, this woman wants to kiss me? Ummmm....This is new AND exciting! Thankfuly I had a couple cocktails so my nerves were low and bam, there I am, a grown ass man who was just demolished by my WW making out with another grown woman who was interested enough in me to kiss me.

Fast forward and we're still talking, nothing is getting serious but we agree to meet up again. We meet again and the night seemed to go well and then we leave. I get home and I get some message from her about how she was arguing with her ex etc... Ok, this is where things get weird. The next day she starts to kind of pull back. I'm thinking...ok. I finally get to a point a few days later where I just say "Hey look, if you're not in to me anymore, you can just tell me, I'm grown up and I won't take offense" Instead she literally just kept beating around the bush and telling me how she's so busy with life and what a wonderful person I was etc... Ok? I'm confused. Few more weeks of me attempting to see if she'd like to meet up again and a few more weeks of her dodging me I finally just said "Ok, have a great life" I was done. Why is it so hard to just tell someone the truth? It was very weird.

Ok, fast forward a couple months and I'm single not looking for anyone when a co-worker mentions something about her sister and I hooking up. I laughed it off and was like "ummm, thanks?" We ended up at a sporting event and I met her sister. I immediately liked her, she was fun and pretty and just seemed laid back. We exchanged numbers and started to chat. We eventually went out to dinner, had a great time, we talked, no phones, we discovered we were both the victims of infidelity. Her husband left her for someone he worked with and is now married to that woman. She has kids, I have kids. Ok we were having a good time. So that night ended with a small kiss and we began to talk more...and more. Things started to move forward in a nice direction. I invited her to my house, we talked, she knew about everything that was going on as to give transparency and allow her to either be ok with it or not. She was ok. We started to see each other more and eventually things became physical. No we weren't saying "I love you" or anything crazy but we definitly dug each other. Then...one night...out of the blue, she says "things are moving to fast, I think we need to slow down a little." I was like...ok. Then she says "You're not even divorced yet" And I'm sitting her like WTF? You KNEW that. Then she starts pulling back. More and more and more. I finally get to a point where I'm like "What's going on?" Dodged the question more and more and then finally yesterday she says "Something has changed and I don't know why" "My feelings for you are more friendly than romantic" W...T...F? How do you go backward so fast? I mean we're being intimate at this point and the things she said were all on point towards a potential relationship then one day "friends"? What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously? Am I unlovable to the point where people spend time with me and then realize I'm just unable to be someone they can date? I don't even know how to word the question I'm trying to ask but I know that I'm feeling pretty bad about myself.

DevastatedDee posted 12/20/2019 16:28 PM

Why do you assume this means something is wrong with you?

Most dates don't go anywhere and the reasons we're given and ourselves give to people aren't necessarily the truth. Anything in the world could be going on in these women's lives to change their minds that has nothing to do with you. And yes, they might not have felt chemistry with you. That's okay. We don't have romantic or sexual chemistry with most people we meet. Dating is a method of finding someone we do connect with. You will probably go on a fair number of dates before you find someone who is compatible with you and who shares your interest level. If you keep dating, you'll go out with women whom you don't want to see again even if you kiss them at the end of the night. Nothing wrong with it.

You're fresh into this. Don't be hard on yourself or assume there's something wrong with you. You listen to and actually hear what people are saying and that draws them to you. That's a step ahead of so many men. That makes you pretty fantastic all by itself. Dating apps would go bankrupt if it only took people a date or two to find their next relationship. It would make life a lot easier, but it rarely works that way.

Hurtandbroken987 posted 12/20/2019 16:50 PM

That's all good and well if they don't have chemistry. But the most recent one lasted a while. There WAS chemistry. The things she was saying, the actions, all of it. Then you tell me the chemistry just goes away? How can you be so into someone for 6 weeks then all of a sudden stop at the drop of a hat? The first woman I dated did have way too much stuff going on. And you know what? That's fine she could've just told me that from the get go. Jesus, why is it so hard to just be up front then and say "I don't think we should see each other anymore" instead of this back and forth, dodging questions and making up bullshit to avoid it and ending up prolonging it? Like I said, the most recent one had chemistry. Unless she was faking all of her actions from day one. It's hard to explain via typing obviously but we WERE going somewhere...obviously not now. I hate the feeling of being excited to talk to someone every day and messaging them throughout the day and then all of a sudden...it stops instantly. Leaves a void and brings in some pretty shitty feelings.

Shehawk posted 12/20/2019 18:09 PM

You have been heard. And I seriously doubt there is anything wrong with you.

I do believe we can all learn more about relationships and relationship skills. And most of us (well anyway that is my plan) should probably slow down and be friends with people while we see who they really are. Especially me since I picked a man who was capable of aweful things.

I think the key for me in relationships will be to pick people who are capable of being honest and engaged and who are not playing games.

I wish you well and I believe we are all worthy of love even if we are not perfect!

skeetermooch posted 12/20/2019 19:39 PM

Hurt - all I can add to this is that when I was post break up some years ago - I repelled men. They might have been initially attracted but no one wanted to stick around.

I was a little too eager to be in a new relationship and that always scares people away.

It's really soon and so much healing doesn't begin until the ink dries on the divorce papers. Give yourself a minute.

And for what it's worth - the first woman sounds like she was in a relationship that as a rocky - maybe she was mad hatter-ing and then they got back together.

Like Dee said, most dates don't turn into relationships - it will happen.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 12/20/2019 19:53 PM

Sorry but I don’t know any woman who has healthy relationships that is going to date a man who is recently divorced or not yet divorced.

Incarnate posted 12/21/2019 00:55 AM

Sorry but I don’t know any woman who has healthy relationships that is going to date a man who is recently divorced or not yet divorced.

This sort of jumped out at me. It seems to imply that if a man is recently divorced, it makes him, by virtue of that alone, un-date-able in a healthy way.

I find this both troublesome and irksome. Troublesome in that I am not yet divorced and I would rather not be seen as un-date-able, and irksome in that it feels just slightly disparaging.

I mean, I would LIKE to go on a dates, yaknow, as a single man for the first time in my adult life, but I bristle at the idea that there is a prescribed amount of time, like an 'infidelity timer' that my ex started with her affair, and I have to wait until that timer goes off before I can enter the dating pool and try to find a partner.

Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but I really think that if someone is single in all ways except a piece of paper and a legal motion, they should be free to date without stigma. They shouldn't have a black mark on them just because their spouse was unfaithful and broke their marriage.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 12/21/2019 07:45 AM

Sorry but I feel a man or woman can’t heal from a relationship if they are starting a new one before the last one has ended. If you have been separated and haven’t had contact for a year or so and it really is just on paper at that point I could maybe see. But honestly even then I would wonder why the paper tie is still there. It’s nothing against men. Man or woman. I only said woman because I was speaking of this particular situation.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 7:46 AM, December 21st (Saturday)]

Incarnate posted 12/21/2019 10:02 AM

I suppose I put less stock in that piece of paper and that little check mark in the legal system. A relationship is a very personal thing. My relationship ended at 8:00 PM, August 14th of 2019, when I finally got my ex to admit that she'd had another affair. R was over. Our marriage was over. We're still legally married because divorce is expensive and contentious (and tax returns to wipe off our mutual debt are better when legally married).

Also, I was following the situational genderization. I shifted to gender neutral at the end of the post as well. I wasn't thinking you meant gender specific. No worries on that front.

ShutterHappy posted 12/21/2019 12:24 PM

Hurtandbroken987,

I think some men/women date multiple men/women at the same time and eventually settle on one. This might be what’s happening to you. The first women might have still be attached to her ex and was stringing you along as plan B.

You just have to be patient and don’t get attached too quickly

CaliforniaNative posted 12/21/2019 15:51 PM

Trust your feelings and know that the outcome wasn’t your fault. And after a great beginning and then the radio silence that followed, it’s important to work on accepting the outcome. These women do not want you to fight for them she. As painful as it is, it really is over before it began. Validating your own experience, understanding it’s not a matter of fault, and recognizing that she likely had limitations that prevented her from going furtherwill help you begin to let go of the awful trap of self blame, and begin to move out of that space of feeling rejected into working on re-opening yourself to new possibilities.

This has happened to me before - then two months later he came back around. Whatever.

phmh posted 12/21/2019 16:43 PM

For background, I am over 8 years out from D-Day, divorced for 7.5 years, and in a wonderful relationship for the past 4 years. In between D-Day and finding my BF, I went on over 60 first dates. Pretty much everyone dates too early (including myself) and if you are lucky, you will just have a lot of failed early dates and not fall into another bad relationship.

You are not ready yet for a healthy relationship. Healing from infidelity sucks. It is not fair, and it takes far longer to heal than is anywhere near fair. As we (at least used to) always say here, broken attracts broken. And as much as it's unfair as you didn't do anything wrong, as much as you don't want to admit it, as much as I didn't want to admit it, with your divorce still pending and only 6 months since you served papers, you are still broken.

The good news is that you can heal! Focus on living your life. It takes time, but also more than time. Rediscovering yourself. Learning about boundaries. Learning about red flags. Become the best version of yourself - someone who has something to bring to a relationship. I know when I was where you were at, my WXH was taking up way too much of my thoughts, and while at the time I would have sworn that I wasn't bringing that to my dates, looking back I can see that I totally was.

Someone said earlier than any healthy woman is going to run from someone who is still as early on in this process as you are. Which means that only broken women will want to have a relationship, and you run the very real risk of finding a new partner who is as bad as or perhaps even worse than your STBXWW. And you won't be able to see the red flags in time because you are not healed.

Pretty much everyone here is given this advice, and very few actually take it, almost always to the detriment of the still-healing BS. But if you take some time, finalize your divorce, and rediscover who you are as an individual and not part of a couple, your future self will thank you immensely. Right now, what you had with your STBXWW feels comfortable, and you are likely to subconsciously seek out similar dynamics, because that's what you know. Resist this urge! Heal, do things with friends, and enjoy life as a single man. Slowly you will start sending out a different vibe, and the healthy ladies will be so attracted to that!

Best of luck! It really sucks. I remember wallowing and dating too early since it wasn't fair that he has his MOW and I was alone, through no fault of my own. But if you have no standards, it's super easy to find someone. I don't even care about who WXH dates anymore as I am so much happier in my new life than I ever was with him, and this was true even before I found my incredible BF, who has enhanced my already-complete life.

You can get there, but you need to be intentional about it!!!