Kitchentable123 posted 12/11/2019 22:30 PM

This got quite a few responses and I am very grateful!

Some things that I am thinking about that were said; forgettabledad mentioned that the person I am is a connected flow of the choices from the past to the future. I feel this. I do feel like a completely different person, but I know that the person I am today comes from every experience, choice, and decision I ever made. I have regrets, shame, pain, and hopelessness at times, but I know I can't change the past. I have today, and tomorrow, and the sun will rise again and set once more. I will be grateful for each moment that I can become a better, healthier version of myself.

Oldtruck asked a few questions. No, I did not write any NC letters. After the last physical incident of cheating, a week later I told him I didn't want to see or talk to him again, and I didn't. As far as the last incident with the text messages and pictures, one day he messaged, and I just never responded. That was the end of it.
Yes, he has access to all my passwords for email, and has remote access to my work computer as well. I do not use incognito on the internet, he can see everything I do. He has access to my phone, no lock/password thing on it. He also has access to log online and see every message and phone call on it. I do not have access to the facebook page anymore. It is still there, but I have not gone on it for years. I don't have any other social media. I did download snapchat about a year ago, my friend kept showing me hilarious pics with her kids, and I thought it was a fun app that people used for laughs. Once SO told me that it was used by cheaters, I immediately deleted it. I didn't know that, and I was upset with myself for not doing my research and being stupid enough to download something that would make him feel unsafe.

Lifedestroyer, I have talked to my therapist about a healing separation. I could write a letter/note telling him where I will be and what I will be doing and stating to him that I am not leaving him, I am giving him the space he needs to heal.

A couple of days ago, SO decided to give me 1 month to try to change the way things are currently going. He will have to put a damage deposit on new place by Jan.13th. If he feels differently, I may move with him and we can try to move forward from this. I was definitely holding back, my actions were not in line with my words. I was letting my self misery get in the way big time. Not knowing what was happening day to day, hour to hour, I wallowed in my confusion and ambivalence. I was not walking the walk, although I was talking the talk. I am understanding that I have no control over what will happen, but I will not be taking this time for granted anymore. I will not hold back as I was. I started sending him video messages throughout the day, many texts, called him today when I thought I caught him on a break. I am being positive, hopeful, for the both of us, but also being respectful when he feels hopeless and listening to his thoughts and feelings.

He has also decided to start IC. I helped by looking up psychologists and booking an appointment with one today for him. He will start next week. I really, really believe this will help him tremendously. He needs it. I honestly want the best for him, I want him to be mentally healthy and happy. If it is not with me, that is OK. What matters is him. He needs to start choosing himself. For the last forever years he has been choosing me and it is long overdue that he starts to put himself first. I am so happy he is taking this step.

I am also looking up books and such to help him. About PTSD, betrayal trauma, emotional healing, anxiety and stress management, what to expect from therapy, infidelity and trust healing, etc. Any suggestions on any of these topics would be much appreciated. I also looked into emotional tapping, I will see if he wants to try it with me. I've also bought him melatonin, stress and sleep supplements to help him try to get some rest. Yesterday I came home from work and found him half sleeping, so I turned off all the lights, put on some calming sleep music, gave him foot rubs, trying to help him be able to sleep in some way. I found myself for the first time, in a long time, praying for him, not so much to god, but to the universe, with tears streaming down my face as I gently touched him, so he would feel me, my energy, know I am here and love him. He managed to sleep for 2 hours at that time. Later on in the evening, he fell asleep around midnight holding me while I listened to a sleep meditation type thing. He slept for 4 hours before waking up and having to get ready for work. I want him to be free from this, so badly. I hurt him so deeply, I broke his heart, his spirit, his soul. I'm sorry, I am emotional. This is all I will write for now. I just finished making perogies, I hope he can eat some.

[This message edited by Kitchentable123 at 10:50 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

TheHittite posted 12/12/2019 11:59 AM

KT:

I am not very experienced with social media, so I apologize in advance if my post does not resonate with you.

By way of background, my perspective is coming from a BS about 10 years out from the multi-year, multi-partner affair season of my wife that included a relapse a few years ago. We are still together.

In response to your original inquiry, perhaps there is a different way to frame the question. Perhaps it is not about whether a cheater deserves a second chance, but rather whether in fact all of us need a second chance.

This site is about cheating and the serious consequences thereof. It is what binds us together, and you have gotten great advice to follow from people much wiser and more eloquent than I am.

But here is something to consider: Cheating is just one of the ways people fall short in the relationships in life. To be sure, it is an extremely serious error in the most serious of relationships. But still, it is safe to say that none of us, including the BS, are perfect. I know that I am not near the person I am striving to be!

So we all need a second chance in life – and a third, and a fourth . . . particularly in those relationships that matter to us the most. This is not to condone WS actions, but simply a recognition of the failures of people in general.

I think the reconciliation which we all desire is, at its core, about forgiveness, and an understanding that we all need forgiveness because we are all imperfect.

If you want to stay with your partner, he needs to understand his own need for forgiveness first. Without doing so, how can he find the grace to extend forgiveness to you?

So here is my one piece of advice: Ask for forgiveness. It is different from saying sorry. It is taking full responsibility of your actions with no qualifications and asking for mercy.

If he can forgive you, the road ahead will be clearer. If not, it also clarifies things. But keep on asking!

It is not easy. Even after 10 years, my own partner has not really asked for forgiveness. But what sustains me is knowing that if I am unwilling to forgive her, even if she does not ask, how can I expect others to forgive me when I err?

Wishing you blessings during this Christmas season!

Serpico posted 12/12/2019 12:26 PM

Thumos:

Did she actually have the nerve to say #7 to you?

To me, that is grounds for getting rid of her all by itself.

#12 and #13 are real gems as well.

hikingout posted 12/12/2019 12:54 PM

Serpico -

I would still say that my A was not about my H. Meaning he didn't cause it, it had nothing to do with who he is or isn't I don't think an affair is typically about the BS in nature. The fact it traumatizes and damages a BS is a different statement. Affairs are about the cheating party and their lack of upholding morals, their character flaws, and their selfishness. So, it really depends on how you read that one.

Thumos posted 12/12/2019 13:53 PM

Thumos:
Did she actually have the nerve to say #7 to you?

To me, that is grounds for getting rid of her all by itself.

#12 and #13 are real gems as well.

She said all of them. In addition to inviting the AP over for sex in our home. I'm deeply traumatized by it. I do often wonder why I didn't cut the Gordian's knot. I am terrified about my kids futures should we divorce, especially my 10 year old. The statistics simply don't lie. My WW are able to have a loving relationship in spite of everything, but a lot of this is eating me alive. I'm definitely in limbo and trying to figure out what to do (she's not in limbo; she wants us to stay together).

EDIT: 12 and 13 are pretty much par for the course, aren't they? I've read about spouses here saying that all the time those phrases could almost be collected into an actual cheater's script (maybe someone should do that).

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:55 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Zugzwang posted 12/13/2019 21:46 PM

Thumos what do you want to hear from her? How would it make you feel if she owned it and said, "yes...I wanted what I wanted and chose to get it, knowing it would hurt you, so therefor I meant to hurt you."?

I suggest you print the list and go through it with your wife. See if she can be vulnerable. See if she can own the ugly truths that you know or believe to be otherwise. See if she can put her ego aside and be truly remorseful and not just regretful.

Nolife posted 12/18/2019 07:18 AM

I agree with prior comments that I find years of betrayal weaken the bs and you get more chances of reconciliation.. I also think depending on circumstances a bs can have an affair out of feeling unwanted and punishment with serial cheaters or many years Ws spouses like mine who lie for 40 years about an infidelity and lie to you after separation and reconciling for 38 years so 4 decades about an affair. Then another affair at the 32nd year cane clean on it because he brought something home. So yes I could see someone being torn apart needing love, care and feeling like I’m somebody and not living a life of imprisonment and deceit and feeling worthless for 4 decade.

Nolife posted 12/18/2019 07:18 AM

I agree with prior comments that I find years of betrayal weaken the bs and you get more chances of reconciliation.. I also think depending on circumstances a bs can have an affair out of feeling unwanted and punishment with serial cheaters or many years Ws spouses like mine who lie for 40 years about an infidelity and lie to you after separation and reconciling for 38 years so 4 decades about an affair. Then another affair at the 32nd year cane clean on it because he brought something home. So yes I could see someone being torn apart needing love, care and feeling like I’m somebody and not living a life of imprisonment and deceit and feeling worthless for 4 decade.