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Thinking about Moving

Fablegirl posted 8/26/2019 17:29 PM

Hey guys, wanted to give a brief update and get some feedback about what I am considering. My divorce was final back in June. I filed in January 2017 and ex moved out exactly one year later. I live on his family's property as it is a working farm I help run, as does my DD, who is 16. My in-laws live on the property and DD and I both have a good relationship with them.
They were heartbroken by Ex's affair and behavior and have remained neutral, almost supportive of me.
Ex and I both agreed that it was best to keep DD on the farm and he would move out. The settlement dictates that I live there rent free until DD graduates with joint legal custody.
AP, by the way, is not interested in living on property. She and Ex live about an hour away, although he's showing up a lot more.
The other practical reason for staying on the property is that Ex and I have a lot of horses we jointly own. Ex is incapable of caring for them on his own. He forgets to feed them, water them, worm them or keep up with their shots. He has severe ADD. He's also broke -- and caring for horses takes money. I care for the whole herd because I love these horses no matter who they belong to and they would not fare well if I left them behind. I can afford to board some of them at another facility, but taking them all is not a financial option and neither is selling them.
In any case, it's getting tougher for me to live on the farm. The house is falling apart, DD is fed up with Ex's behavior -- chronic lateness, argumentative, irresponsible and wants more distance from him, which is hard when he owns the house and property. Also my recently widowed MIL is needing more extra care than I can give (Ex is a terrible son and only stays with her when he has DD).
I had hoped to hang on and live in the marital home until DD graduates from HS, save some money (I live there rent free) and do some traveling with DD. But Ex is there more and more and our lives are too emeshed.
My BF of one year has a lovely home nearby with rooms he rents out on Airbnb. He is divorced with no kids, was an only child and has few living family members. While I am financially independent, it also helps that he is comfortably retired. All this to say, is it crazy for me and DD to move in with him? He lives close enough I could look in on the remaining horses and board others. He's hinted at this option and I rejected it because I want my own space. But when I look at it logically it makes sense to blend our households from a financial and emotional standpoint. I care for him deeply and DD likes him. Am I in love? I am not sure. The last three years have been hell and I feel too scarred up, betrayed and abandoned to open up and be emotionally vulnerable to anyone. Does love feel different at our age? (I am 56). Also, does anyone think this would be a bad thing for DD to move her in the middle of high school?

Superesse posted 8/26/2019 17:50 PM

Fablegirl, please don't go from the frying pan into the fire. I've read too many times on this very forum about what can happen when NB folks try living together arrangements with their child or children from a previous marriage. In one recent story, it didn't work out as planned, and that put the child and her mother in a very stressful situation.

Remember that we tend not to think negative thoughts about our SOs, when we like what we see and feel while dating them! But where you are, at least you have your own base of operations, still.
I know you wish you could isolate your DD from the Ex more, but I feel sure trading that situation for a new living arrangement would come with its own set of stresses.

I'm a bit curious why your ExH has been showing up more often; do you suspect he has designs on mother, now that she is widowed? Maybe he is "buttering her up" or trying to mend fences with her? (My brother did this exact move when my father got old; he moved across the USA to be "nearer to our father" and then a couple short years later, our father suffered a stroke and my brother seized everything financial, running through my father's entire estate, leaving the rest of the family without a penny. He spent it all on his own needs during the time he was "taking care of Dad."

So I guess I am saying "Be vigilant in more ways than one."

And as a former horsewoman myself, I understand that big soft spot for the critters, but too many mouths to feed, is still too many, right? Why not sell a few and lighten your own load some there, too?

These situations are never easy, but your instinct to have your own space is what I would hold on to, for the time being, if you asked me.

northeasternarea posted 8/26/2019 18:13 PM

Don't co-mingle your finances.

EvenKeel posted 8/27/2019 10:25 AM

Lets take your SO out of this for clarity.

Your original plan was to live there until DD graduates HS. Are you on track with your savings to get your own place when she graduates? Does that include moving your horses as well with you?

Like what was the plan once she graduated...were you going to leave the farm totally (no longer work there, etc)?

And what is your ex going to do with the farm and your MIL when you leave? Sounds like it is very convenient for THEM to keep you there as long as possible.

How long does DD have left to go? If it is 2-3 years, that will go fast. I know if feels like forever now....but it will poof. Really it will.

Your DD being fed-up with her father and his BS will not change regardless of where she is living.

Fablegirl - It sounds like you are just tired of it all GF. And I don't blame you. That has to be tough still living there. I totally get the "whys" of why you went that route but the cost to you other ways is great.

I think escaping to your BF's is the quickest way to flee but I don't think it is going to meet your long-term goals.

I think I would only go that route if you already have enough money to buy your own place so you don't feel stuck again.

I feel for you. You clearly don't have your own safe zone since your ex is able to show up on the farm any old time. How sucky for you.

I think it is unfair to your new relationship as well since you sound like you are in the "Ireallylike-likehim" phase. There is nothing wrong with that phase as you develop your feelings and evaluate your own future. However, I think that would be difficult when you are adding in this other stuff.

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