X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Advice for Merging Households?

Cheatee posted 6/4/2019 10:15 AM

After dating for 3 years, my GF and I are going to co-habitate (yay!). She is moving into my house and she's going to rent her house out, furnished, as a sabbatical home (she lives two blocks from a major university). So, we can consolidate the less precious furnishings at her place and the nice stuff at our place.

Our children are grown and out of the house, but we'll make sure the two youngest (21, mine and 28, hers) will still have bedrooms that we can use most of the time as guest rooms.

I want to be open minded about re-doing things and giving her large input. I'm mostly successful, but finding I have some irrational attachments I'm working on letting go of.

Any advice on making this smooth and bi-lateral? Any folks out there already been through this?

EvenKeel posted 6/4/2019 10:52 AM

I have some irrational attachments
Like what? We all have items that "WE JUST LIKE" despite their condition. Could be an emotional attachment or 'just because'.

What a gift that is to have another house where you can put the other furniture! While I am sure it is a lot of coordinating, it is way better than trying to reduce two houses into one.

Do your children come home often?

Any advice on making this smooth and bi-lateral?
Err on the safe side if there is an item you can't agree on. It is easier to get rid of it down the road if you decide than to get it back.

The biggest item is always finances - so as long as you guys have that all outlined, that is a big portion!

Other item is children (even though they are grown) - it can still be a source.

What is your timeline?

(PS - congrats!)

Hobbyist posted 6/4/2019 11:20 AM

My thought is similar, why are the things you're attached to irrational? I ask because my exgf pushed me to believe some things I had attachment to were irrational. Both being divorced always complicates things, you might have something that you like or like the memory associated with it, but she might not like that you have a memory associated with it. You have the right to your things, and she has a right to her things. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I agree that it's a good idea to err on the side of caution before throwing away things.

Cheatee posted 6/4/2019 13:35 PM

Thanks Hobby and Keel.

The one thing I'm having heartburn about that I need to figure out is a major rearrangement of the living room. She wants to center the seating around the amazing dry stack fireplace and hearth. That's totes cool. But in order to do so, we need to move the piano. We're both musicians on the side, so we want the piano in play. It will also involve getting rid of a very cool red leather couch. And the alternative placement of the piano will be against a knee wall, rise above it and be awkwardly disruptive.

I need to let this shit go and flow with it all. I guess having lost so much in the divorce (hundreds of thousands of dollars, my relationship with our kid), I look to the home as a surrogate for the family I don't really have and I'm nervous about losing things.

What she wants to do with the living room is perfectly reasonable. My reservations are not completely absurd, but I'm putting far too much weight on it. I'm going to switch things around and see how we like it, since it might be totally fine.

As for the daughters, my youngest is 21 and a senior in college in NYC. She is spending summers up there and when she's back in her hometown, she spends very little time at my house (her childhood home). I would say she spent about 20 hours there in the past year.

GF's daughter is an only child. She likes me, but has an attachment to her childhood home and the town she grew up in (20 minutes away). She is moving to Montreal with her BF and has just completed training to be a therapist. She nows she's grown (28 yo), but has an emotional attachment to the childhood home. I'm reassuring my GF that she'll have a designated BR.

Marz posted 6/5/2019 01:06 AM

GF's daughter is an only child. She likes me, but has an attachment to her childhood home and the town she grew up in (20 minutes away). She is moving to Montreal with her BF and has just completed training to be a therapist. She nows she's grown (28 yo), but has an emotional attachment to the childhood home. I'm reassuring my GF that she'll have a designated BR.

Id let her help decorate how she wants her bedroom so she has input.

nothisfriend posted 6/5/2019 08:21 AM

I'm eager to see how this works for you as I'll be facing it in 2 years. I'm in a LDR and BF is going to retire in 2 years and move in with me. I'm excited and yet a little nervous. I have a very small house and I want him to be comfortable but we are both people who like our quiet time. We have a summer place together so much of the time he will be there when I'm still working. He doesn't have a lot of possessions but I'm still concerned about squeezing them into the house. We will talk about what is important for him to have and just make do.

The timing will be good because DS has one more year of college and while he doesn't come home much I still want him to feel this is his home. He plans to stay in the big city after college. This is not the house he grew up in but the one we moved to after the D. His dad and OW live in town too so he will occasionally stay there to give them some time.

million pieces posted 6/5/2019 17:18 PM

My fiance moved in last summer after his only son went to college. The furniture was hard enough, but we figured most of it out before he moved in (not all, some stuff was easier to pack than sort as his parents had both died a couple years back).

Anyway, what was the hardest was that it was my house, I've been here for 15 yrs. I know how things work best (appliances, etc) but it was hard for him to have me direct him. We struggled with that a lot. He felt like I was directing him like one of my kids and I felt like I didn't have the time to handle him with kid gloves. I'm sure it was a little of both Things got much better after about 3-4 months and things are really good now. We both have our things that we are in charge of and do around the house and mostly work well as a team.

Cheatee posted 6/6/2019 07:20 AM

Marz:

Id let her help decorate how she wants her bedroom so she has input.

Good idea. She's about to move to Montreal, but she'll want a sense of home and this will help.

nothisfriend:

The timing will be good because DS has one more year of college and while he doesn't come home much I still want him to feel this is his home. He plans to stay in the big city after college. This is not the house he grew up in but the one we moved to after the D. His dad and OW live in town too so he will occasionally stay there to give them some time.

Sounds almost identical to my situation. My youngest DD is a rising senior in the biggest of American cities and plans to stay there, so the impact of this merge will be more symbolic than logistical. (not to overlook the importance of symbolism).

million pieces:

Anyway, what was the hardest was that it was my house, I've been here for 15 yrs. I know how things work best (appliances, etc) but it was hard for him to have me direct him. We struggled with that a lot. He felt like I was directing him like one of my kids and I felt like I didn't have the time to handle him with kid gloves. I'm sure it was a little of both Things got much better after about 3-4 months and things are really good now. We both have our things that we are in charge of and do around the house and mostly work well as a team.

This sounds like it will be my challenge as well. I am opinionated and am struggling to suppress my not-so-inner this-is-how-i-do-things voice. I also realize on deeper reflection that her way isn't inferior to mine, it just feels a little weird at first.

And I know part of what I'm feeling is that the house serves as a surrogate for family stability, and I have a sub-conscious fear of losing the house. But that's for me and my therapist to unpack.

nothisfriend posted 6/6/2019 09:36 AM

the impact of this merge will be more symbolic than logistical. (not to overlook the importance of symbolism)

Yes, I agree with this. FWIW, I've told DS that's what is going to happen and he keeps saying "I'm happy for you Mom."


I know how things work best (appliances, etc) but it was hard for him to have me direct him. We struggled with that a lot. He felt like I was directing him like one of my kids and I felt like I didn't have the time to handle him with kid gloves.

I admit I'm a little worried about this. BF lives now with a male roommate and housekeeping is not high on either of their lists. I like having my house just so and unless I accept I will do it all then I worry that I will be too bossy. The house is too small to let clutter get out of hand. But the house is so small that cleanup is a real breeze.

The other thing I do worry about is money and financial security. I want my house to remain in my name and go to my son. I think we will have to come to some sort of agreement, possibly written, so that if we part then there is no claim on my home. I'm a little wary because of my WXH. When BF D'd his WXW he walked away because the house was hers before their M. So I really don't worry about his integrity but I think it's best to know expectations up front. These thoughts have been rattling around in my head all week, so thanks for letting me get it out here.

Return to Forum List

Return to New Beginnings

© 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy