IfYouCanDream posted 5/31/2019 08:48 AM

How do you learn to trust someone when you've been so lied to in the past?

I am struggling hard with the years of various men who have lied/cheated, made me feel so utterly foolish, and generally hurt me badly. My ExH was just the last in a line of men who used me, and my trusting/forgiving nature, probably doormat, to their advantage.

How do I rebuild my sense of trust? How do I ever feel confident again when I'm so easily duped? So easily fooled? All I can think is that my new partner is probably doing the same thing, because why wouldn't he? Everyone else did.

Hobbyist posted 5/31/2019 09:05 AM

If you figure it out, let me know!

My relationship pattern is:

1) meet someone, fall for them
2) learn about their shady past but hear that they're a changed person
3) suppress my gut feeling because at this point I've fallen for them
4) see red flags that make me uncomfortable and point to they're not really a changed person
5) be super uncomfortable and push away until THEY break up with me
6) lather, rinse, repeat

Catwoman posted 5/31/2019 09:22 AM

You trust in increments.

At first, you look to see if they show up when they say they will, if their actions match their words. You can also look them up and see if what they told you matches what is available in terms of research (I met an attorney years ago and looked him up with the local and state Bar Association--it all matched with what he had told me).

If you start seeing red flags, stop and think about them. Good questions to ask are things like "what did you learn from that experience," or "what would you do differently now." This should show you how they look at growth and change.

Cat