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Recently found out my dad might be cheating, what do i do?

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MamaDragon posted 4/12/2019 08:16 AM

I am 52. My child is who told me about her father meeting up with his AP. I was in awe that my daughter who was a young teen was strong enough to bring it to my attention. I thought she was very brave. She didn't see half what you have noticed - just that Dad had a female friend stop over and they were overly touchy and flirty.

Your Mom probably already has a suspicion. I did, I just didn't want to admit it. If you have siblings, maybe you could inform them as well so that they will be with you during the confrontation or telling your Mom.

It is a horrible situation, and I hate that you are put in the middle. No child should have to parent their own parent. I'll be thinking of you.

OptionedOut posted 4/12/2019 08:21 AM

Blue - your father is fully capable of a physical affair. Penetration is still very possible. Also, if they are fondling each other's bodies, that's physical. Kissing is physical. If anyone is exposing breats, genitals to the other for show it's physical. Grinding against him with the intent of sexual arousal is physical.

But that's just my definition. The real determination is how your mother sees this.

Have you had the talk with your father yet? Is he going to tell your mother or is he making you do it? Don't betray your mother. She needs to know.

Odonna posted 4/12/2019 19:14 PM

If Bluenox decides not to tell her mother that is not, ipso facto, a ďbetrayalĒ of her mother. We have to stop judging her if she does not go along with the crowd insisting she out everthing to her mom. I would tell, and most here would, but give Bluebox the respect of knowing her family best. Do not run her off of SI if she makes a different choice! She needs this resource so make your points rationally and dispassionately and do not run her off this site with adverse judgments because we might do things differently.

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:14 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

Odonna posted 4/14/2019 22:15 PM

How are you doing Bluebox? Have you written everything out? How did your dad take it? What is he going to do? Are you OK? Do you have anyone to help you IRL?

Bluebox posted 4/15/2019 02:34 AM

Hey everyone, i've not managed to confront my dad yet as he was away for the weekend... and yes i got proof to show he was away with the OW :'( looks like it was their first time doing anything like that though (I think the A only started last month) and still no proof on a PA but thats enough for me. I have written him a letter which i intend to give him at some point today, there are certain jobs i need to get done in the office this morning before i open the can of worms so i can leave if i need to. I am going to give him this 1 chance to realise what he is doing is wrong and that it stops today. If it then carries on i will be telling my mum asap!

My letter reads:

I know everything, and i will be obligated to tell if it doesn't stop right now! I have proof, and you must know if/when it all comes out you will loose your girls and your grandkids!

Not only that but you will loose everything you've worked so hard for. Once (woman at work) finds out, do you think she would stay on board? Do you think the other tenants would stick around knowing what you'd done to your wife and family?! The same with club members, they'll soon disappear too.

You have put me in an absolute horrendous position, rubbing it in my face by carrying it on infront of me, especially when i've already said about it!

It stops now, or i will be forced to tell mum, unless you tell her yourself. I love you but this has to stop.

You have to realise how selfish this is? And what it's going to do to mum when she finds out? After everything she's done and been through for you! As someone who has been cheated on repeatedly I know exactly how shes going to feel.

For OW this is a rebound, a meal ticket, nothing more. For you, your throwing away everything. Fast forward a few years and she'll have left you & you'll have no one. Think of everything your going to miss out on with Grandson & Granddaughter, and any kids me or my sister may have in the future.

If things aren't working with mum, speak to her, discuss your options, if it's to split then split, but an affair is the worst thing you can do. It will destroy us all.

Wool94 posted 4/15/2019 05:36 AM

Bluebox, I hate that you have to be in this position.

I don't believe threatening to tell your mum will do any good though.

I think the only way your mum gets the full truth is if you tell her yourself.

I know it is as shitty a choice as there is, but threats rarely work in this situation.

If you don't tell your mum before he gets that letter, he's going to go to her first and make you look crazy.

It happens all the time around here.

God bless and we're all pulling for you.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:36 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 4/15/2019 06:03 AM

I agree with Wool. I know it will be very, very difficult. I don't think anyone wants to take horrendous news to someone they love. Tell your Mom that you love her, you understand the ordeal from having gone through it yourself and you will be with her all the way.

You are in an awful position but it is nothing you put yourself in. It's entirely on your Dad. Imagine how a kid feels if they know one of their parents is cheating and they are caught in between. What a terrible burden. I'm so sorry, Bluebox.

Wintergarden posted 4/15/2019 06:57 AM

This is such a hard situation to deal with.I am the same age as Bluenox's mum. My daughter (married with children herself) has been very supportive of my situation (her dad had a year long affair and is planning to move out, we have been married 30 years. I will never know the full details and don't think I want to know as I cannot deal with it) she sees I'm not coping and three months later still cry ever day and every time she sees me. I tell her too much. I'm such a wreck I can't keep it to myself. She says she will never be able to look her dad in the eye again. These men have no idea of the extent of their damage. There is an age we reach when loyalty, familiarity and growing old together should be cherished not destroyed. It's a tough age to pick oneself up, put on the smile and carry on knowing your life will never be what you thought it was and your plans are trashed, your marriage shattered. That instead of fun, travel and companionship I know crave peace in my head.

I hope your dad comes to his senses NOW and saves any further pain.

MamaDragon posted 4/15/2019 08:47 AM

I'm so sorry he has betrayed you and your mom this way.

The only things I'm concerned with is the fact that your Mom's health could be at risk now - that is very concerning in today's world with STDs being so rampant. Just because this woman just recently got divorced doesn't mean she has been celibate.

I know you don't want to break your mom's heart but I urge you to tell your Mom, it is her health, her way of life - and if I was her, I'd want to know.

Ultimately your decision but I can tell you that your Dad is going to deny it and take it further underground & by telling your dad you will tell your Mom if he doesn't stop - he will have a story lined up to make you out to be a liar. (As cheaters often do....he is not acting like your Dad at the moment, he is acting like a cheater- cheaters lie.)

(HUGS) what a horrid, horrid position to be in.

Have you given a thought to telling your siblings too?

MamaDragon posted 4/15/2019 08:52 AM

I'm so sorry he has betrayed you and your mom this way.

The only things I'm concerned with is the fact that your Mom's health could be at risk now - that is very concerning in today's world with STDs being so rampant. Just because this woman just recently got divorced doesn't mean she has been celibate.

I know you don't want to break your mom's heart but I urge you to tell your Mom, it is her health, her way of life - and if I was her, I'd want to know.

Ultimately your decision but I can tell you that your Dad is going to deny it and take it further underground & by telling your dad you will tell your Mom if he doesn't stop - he will have a story lined up to make you out to be a liar. (As cheaters often do....he is not acting like your Dad at the moment, he is acting like a cheater- cheaters lie.)

(HUGS) what a horrid, horrid position to be in.

Have you given a thought to telling your siblings too?

Odonna posted 4/15/2019 09:22 AM

I am glad you are taking action Bluebox. This is going to be very hard but you are prepared. I am glad you are letting your dad know that you were betrayed in your relationship. You might add a sentence about how truly devastating thatvwas so he gets the point more clearly. Your mom will be put in Wintergardenís shoes.

Whether you tell your mom is up to you; I still defend your right to decide this based on what you know of your family. And as horrible as it would be for her to find out later, I think ultimately she would understand you were protecting her. If she has had sexual contact with your dad this past month or so, however, then the potential STD risk may require telling her...

Strength to you!

Wool94 posted 4/15/2019 11:12 AM

I hate to suggest this as well, after reading your original post over again, are you sure she's going through a divorce? Maybe you could talk to her STBXH and fill him in. He may not even know he's going through a divorce.

If anything, he could at least back you up.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 11:13 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

Odonna posted 4/15/2019 20:44 PM

Are you OK, Girl? We are here for you!

Bluebox posted 4/16/2019 05:25 AM

Well i struggled all day with how to approach my dad, with lots going on in the office it just never seemed the right moment. So i left the office and went to see my mum instead, to tell her. I just couldn't do it, I tried but hearing about how well her new job was going and how her depression is making it harder and harder for her to leave the house I just couldn't ruin it all for her. I'm worried she'll hurt herself if she finds out. I will forever feel guilty and hate myself if she hurt or even killed herself :'(

So i went back to the office to confront my dad now the working day was over. It took alot for me to speak to him, but i did.

I explained the consequences, I explained what I had been through, and what mum would go through. We talked about it for a while and i managed to stay as calm as possible. He tried to explain his reasons, which I knew he would. He agreed to break it off, said hes not got any emotional investment to her what so ever so it wont be an issue to call off. Said she handed it on a plate, and my mum told him 9 years ago that she no longer wants any sexual contact with him (I do know they sleep in separate rooms). I said have you talked to mum about seperating and he said he can't do that, that even with their relationship how it is they both still love each other very much and he wants to protect her. I said how an affair is not the answer, maybe talk to mum about having an open relationship, he said she'd feel obliged to do stuff she doesn't want to do then.

He kept asking how i knew but i just said i just did, its irrelevant. So i still have the ability to check on them. Hes breaking it off today.. so i will keep an eye on it and make sure he does!

Wool94 posted 4/16/2019 05:28 AM

No one wishes to be in your shoes, but stay vigilant.

You did really well.

Edie posted 4/16/2019 06:29 AM

I said how an affair is not the answer, maybe talk to mum about having an open relationship, he said she'd feel obliged to do stuff she doesn't want to do then.

Possibly. She, however, broke off the sexual contact in the marriage. I hope she would be understanding of your fatherís needs. I feel for him. It sounds like he both loves your mum and wants to protect her. Also, however, her illness and her lack of sexual desire and contact must be difficult for him. She might be open to another arrangement. Itís not uncommon.

Youíve done really well. And your father sounds like heís had a trying time. Itís sad all round.

But well done to you.

sewardak posted 4/16/2019 07:03 AM

no one else thinks the Mom should absolutely know?

manofintegrity posted 4/16/2019 07:38 AM

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:42 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 4/16/2019 07:45 AM

no one else thinks the Mom should absolutely know?

I do and I don't agree with anyone who gets upset when it's called a second betrayal. The BSes who have experienced this have called that themselves. It's their right to call it a second betrayal if they feel that way.

Bluebox, you would benefit from IC. You take on a lot of responsibility that is not yours to bear. As terrible as it would be if your mom hurt herself in response to finding out the truth, it would NEVER EVER be your fault. It would be your dad's fault.

I've been here for years and I don't think that you're a bad person for not telling. I think that your approach is naive and you must keep checking up on your dad because he's very likely to pretend like he cut off the A and but doesn't go through with it. I've seen dozens of people in your shoes and not single one of their cheating parents stopped because their child confronted them. Not one. Yours would be the first but unfortunately, I'm not holding my breath.

If he doesn't stop, will you tell her?

lieshurt posted 4/16/2019 07:49 AM

no one else thinks the Mom should absolutely know?

I do. Honestly, how can you trust your dad is being honest with you about their marriage? You can't. He's a cheater and a liar. He'll tell you anything to sway you to his side of things.

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