SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time posting. Much more to the story but for now I need advise on my affair going public. This situation has gone from awful to nuclear.

My roommate and best friend who I confided in about my affair - the person I trusted most in this world gave me an ultimatum. She told me to either tell him or she would. I then confessed to my long term bf about what had happened. After dday I asked her to please keep it to herself and at least respect my bfs well being - as we were both prepared to handle the situation ourselves. We have now just found out that not only has she told everyone in our immediate friend group, but also acquaintances and people we barely speak to! (25+ people in our circle) (I am 23 with a once booming social life)

I cannot believe this is my life, my boyfriend is devestated and so embarrassed, I hate myself for doing this to him as the affair was the worst decision I've ever made. I was so wrong about thinking I didn't love my bf. At this point with all of our friends aware of the situation and giving him their opinions on me - I feel as though with all of the negativity surrounding myself there is no hope at reconciliation. That he could never possible stay with someone of my now monstrous reputation. He says he loves me but also hates me at the same time. I completely understand.

Has this happened to anyone? Has your affair gone publicly nuclear beyond your control? How did you cope? How did you move on from this? I can't sleep or eat because I'm so wracked with guilt and anxiety. Not only have I lost the love of my life but I have also lost every friend I ever cared about. Some may say I deserve it but I don't think I deserved a complete destruction of my entire life.

To my boyfriend who I know will never read this - please know how sorry I am. That I am going to fight for this and work everyday to be the loyal and faithful woman you deserve - despite what anyone else thinks. I'm so sorry my love, you didn't deserve any of this. I pray every waking moment you will eventually forgive me. I will regret my dreadful choices, the deceit, and the lies for the rest of my life. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.

You are worried about how it will affect your booming social life? I'm confused.

Many of us on here have had an affair "go nuclear" but our social lives and what our friends thought of us were not our concerns. We have children, careers, positions in the community, the PTA, losing friends is just part to be expected, but people have been cut out by family members as well, etc etc. I had a private investigator following my every move and was given a long term STD by my affair partner. Going nuclear has a whole other meaning when you are almost 40 and have assets, lives, families, at risk.

Please don't worry about your friends and what they think of you. You should be concerned with figuring out why you did this and what you want moving forward and how you are going to process picking up the pieces. Maybe this is your rock bottom to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, who you want to be, and where you want to go with the next relationship you have.

I hit rock bottom as well. My wife said to me how can you love me when you dont love yourself. That hit me hard because after i had the affair, i went home and looked in the mirror and said as loud and as agnrly as possible "i fucking hate you". I literally said that to myself over and over, then jumped in shower and cried as i tried to scrub the shame off of me. I ruined my 10 year marriage. She forgave me once when i cheated earlier in our relationship (i cheated on her before we got married, but got caught once we were married). I was a good husband until i got laid off of work in October last year. My downhill sprial started around January. I realized the problem is deeper than i thought the 1st time so im seeking help. Try and help yourself 1st. Thats the only way things can change.

It's hell yes. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. It destroys everything it touches in ways you never once imagined. The losses are catastrophic. People here have lost friends, spouses, their health, families, time with their kids, their homes, their careers, etc. There is a high price to pay for making this horrendous decision to cheat on someone.

Has this happened to you? Yes. How did I cope? I learned to control what I can and let go of the rest. I mourn the losses. I feel my feelings of depression and pain. I do the work to fix what is broken in me that made me cheat. Not to win my husband back but for myself. I choose to be better person going forward. I become a trustworthy person. A person who lives with integrity. A person that tells the truth. Sigh this really is all I can do. The rest isn't up to me.

[This message edited by Root at 8:46 AM, March 5th (Monday)]

WhatHaveIDone23, I am sorry for your situation and rest assured us Waywards truly understand.

I agree with pinkpggy's comments.

Not to sound too harsh, but exposure (regardless of the source or how) is one of many brutal consequences of our cheating. It is sad exposure for you came via a trusted friend, though.

You are young, unmarried and will recover and from this. As pinkpggy said...imagine being married for years, children, PTA, scouts, entrenched family, social groups, etc. the embarrassment is crushing.

Learn from this experience, fix your cheating issue and become a better partner for your BF or any future relationship.

I wish you the very best. It doesn't seem like it now, but you are going to be OK!