SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After a horrific experience of finding out about my wife's affair and then finding out it didn't end when I uncovered it. Only that it ended months later when I told her aps wife I decided it's too much to handle. That she couldn't chose me and fight.

I told her I want a divorce. It felt like relief. That relief lasted less than a day. My daughter was sick at daycare and my mother in law who lives across the street from where I live was able to pick her up. My wife went to meet both my daughter and mother in law at my mils house. She didn't come home aince yesterday.

That was agonizing for me. I was now getting a taste of what lies ahead. My daughter is still sick and I'm not welcome at my in laws house because several weeks ago I became emotionally charged and saying hurtful things to my wife while she was seeing her dad in the hospital after a procedure he had. It was selfish and I was so mad at her. There were other factors going on, none excuse what I did. I got help on my own the day after. I felt resentful of her because she couldn't handle me and called my sister to get involved. I needed her, instead I did it all on my own.

The in laws know pretty much everything about her affair. I also had a revenge affair. It's all out there. My other posts go into the gore.

My family is very small. My mom passed away a few years ago and my dad has written his kids out of his life. He's a jerk anyway. Neither of my sisters are that close but I can see them within an hour or so drive. I'm not very close with one of them.

My life for the last 12 years was my wife. Marrying her was also adding this whole family to my life. It felt amazing. For the first time in my life I felt surrounded by love in all aspects of my life. I had an amazing support system. Her dad gave me advise, I hung out with her brother. I love my niece and nephew from her side of the family.

This affair stripped that away from me. Years ago I allowed myself to finally relax my shoulders after a lifetime of having to be independent and pretty much solely responsible for myself. My wife cared for me, took care of me and showed me love. Her family was supportive in so many different ways.

I didn't feel loved as a kid. I'm the youngest of three and I felt that I had to do everything on my own. It served me well as an adult and enabled me to find success in my career because I never relied on anyone to do me any favors. I clawed myself from the bottom.

I'm back to feeling the way I did before I met my wife. Depressed, stressed again with the weight of the world on my own shoulders to bear. I wish I could forgive what she did and have it all go back how it was. That's absolutely impossible and I realize that.

I want to feel loved and wanted by her. She tries to show it but not in the way I need her to. I can't tell if she wants me to end this marriage or not. She says not but I'm not positive. I have cold feet. I know what she has the capacity to do. I don't think I'll ever let my guard down. I don't believe I ever won't feel jealous or insecure again. I never have until this affair. She couldn't end her affair despite so many major opportunities to do so. I feel like second choice.

If I stay I feel like I lose because I'll never feel the same about her again. If I leave I lose because I no longer have my daughter in my life the way that I would otherwise. Leaving also means opening the door for another man to raise my daughter.

It's a lose lose lose.

I compromise my full commitment by staying or I compromise the life I had by leaving as well.

This sucks. I lose no matter what.

I hear you !

A's are tremendously costly.

I understand.

Here's a thread on the subject.

"What did the affair cost you "

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=587677

Sending you peace and strength.

Walking with you.

What does she say she wants?

There is no winning or losing, just the fallout from your wife (and latterly yours) affairs. Since you feel like your wife won something, what exactly did you win when you had your affair?

Right now you're in limbo, if your wife was doing the heavy lifting at least you'd have physical proof she wanted the marriage.

If you don't feel safe now or you feel in the future she won't provide that safety then for your self respect, walk.

We are all handed shit sandwiches in life that look different - a disability, bankruptcy, divorce, adultery, infertility, death of a child/spouse/parent/loved one, a cancer diagnosis.....

We all know that anguish and grief.

I could never disagree adultery is one of the worst but survival and recovery looks the same.

Everyone also knows (hopefully - I guess - some people do give up or get stuck) the reality of picking up the pieces of their broken life and putting them back together - or in the case of adultery maybe it's the chards of a broken life that cut and twinge every time you touch them.

You have your daughter - you have your self worth - what else do you have?

It's ok to examine what you have - maybe just don't make it all

seem or look bad (maybe?) And you can definitely create new rituals, family, and friends.

That's all totally within your realm of possibility but you have to believe it. I believe it for you.

You are wanting something from your wayward that was never there.

As long as you hope you're just going to get dissapointment.

Quit wallowing in the mire.

You made the right decision so forge ahead.

Her parents and family like her are nothing to you now.

Better get in a hard 180 and stay there if you want to get through this.

Why look at this as a win/lose situation?

What does a wayward win? The loss of dignity and self respect? The weight of guilt of their actions and lies they need to convince themselves of to make it appear "right" in their minds? The loss of half their financials, time with children, a caring spouse. I could go on, but really, I see no win. Though I do understand why you feel that way. I struggled with the idea myself.

The interesting part of the story you shared was feeling like you did before you met your wife. Which got me thinking about broken people attracting broken people. If you are beginning to feel so negatively about yourself now after learning about your wife's affair, what did you think about yourself before you met her? I'm not painting a great image over here.

It sounds like you built yourself into your wife and her family. That you allowed them to fill in the areas of yourself you didn't like about you. Which actually sounds unhealthy. It lacks true identity. Instead of focusing on the loss (which is really hard, btdt) maybe try focusing on what it is about yourself you don't like and learn to love it? Become whole. Gain what you've never had, because this is obviously and opportunity to re-evaluate who you are.

Sorry, I am not trying to hijack your thread, but Loukas said something I find very insightful. There was something broken about yourself (and myself) and you used your wife and child to fill those gaps. That they fixed you was an illusion. When she betrayed you, your wounds are now deeper than ever.

My family life was disfunctional with my parents showing how horrible marriage can be. The fights and moodiness, walking on egg shells. Having a lot of brothers and sisters in a survival of the fittest type world. My Dad attempting suicde or waving a gun around threatening suicide.

I found a person in my wife I thought was the opposite of that type of life and upbringing. She seemed stable and driven, focused on a future family. It was exactly what I dreamed of. I did my part, or so I thought. I tried hard to avoid the train wreck of my youth, but in the end I am exactly where I wanted to avoid. Instead of dealing realistically with problems from my childhood, I expected her to fix them. She destroyed my family and destroyed me. I am on only one who can fix myself this time.

Sorry to ramble, I feel for your pain.

[This message edited by swatter555 at 3:39 PM, November 4th (Saturday)]

Swatter, ditto.

(To everything you just shared, ditto, brother)

[This message edited by Loukas at 3:57 PM, November 4th (Saturday)]

Planc - Her words say reconcilation. Her actions until lately said divorce. Trust is beyond non-existant though.

Tren0R201 - My affair was from spite. In short, I didn't get much other than to know that there are other fish in the sea. I did get the feeling of being desired after feeling like I was tossed aside. There wasn't really a doubt about that but experience teaches you something. I felt guilty the whole time even though I felt that I had every right to that affair. Makes it so much harder to understand hers.

gonnabegr8 - It's harder to look at the haves vs have nots right now. You're right.

Loukas - Win/Lose is just one way that I find myself looking at it. We each pay a price no matter what. Hard for me to stomach it though, unlike a natural disaster which just "happens" this happened because of the choice my WW made. I have to pay a price no matter what, she chose to pay that price. Whether she knew it at the time or not, it was her choice to make. She also made that choice twice even after seeing the cost the first time.

Staying

She: Loses nothing, no compromises besides transparency (soft choice) which is a both an act and a decision to share, she's expected to make me comforable with her actions. Gains: The life she had before without consequence or real compromise. Her self-respect and self-esteem are restored by my willingness to accept it and move forward with her.

Me: Loses - Compromise self-respect (which should be a limited time ), Trust (lots of it), Never being able to fully-commit again in this relationship. I will never be able to be able to say to another living soul how proud I am to have her as my wife. Gains: Nothing but the life I had before, best outcome is somehow my relationship is better. That seems like a long-term goal though, years. I haven't seen too many "success stories" on SI though.

Leaving:

She: Loses dignity and self-respect, (some) financial security, short-term (a partner who loves her), some time with our child. Family is broken. Gains: Nothing? Except maybe she is too much of a coward to admit she doesn't want to be with me.

Me: Loses more time with our child (she won't budge on this), financial stability (costs me to leave her and stay gone, I then also need to provide for myself entirely), Gains: self-worth and respect. A chance at a life with someone who won't do this to me again (3rd times the charm?)

My costs (not financial) are higher in every case .

About me prior to meeting her, I had come out of a 4-year relationship with a girlfriend who I suspected but never caught cheating on me. All the signs were there but she was too good at covering it up. My WW seemed like the polar opposite in every aspect. I didn't recover from that 4-year relationship very well either, I left that girlfriend on suspicion alone. The actual break-up took a lot of back and forth of breaking up and reconciling over several months. Just after that I went on a handful of dates that wouldn't get past a first date.

What was broken in me then was lack of love in general and trust for another person. My parents didn't show it in childhood. I got it from my grandparents mainly which made my relationship sort of weird with my parents. After this relationsip I lost the feeling of love and safety that the relationship had given me. Over time I was able to trust myself, rely on myself and acknowledge that I was worthy of someone elses love by realizing that I gained self-respect by leaving that girlfriend. Not knowing for sure then made me nuts... However knowing I'd never be comfortable around her was enough to go and then it took time for me to recover emotionally.

My WW has proven through her acts that she has the capacity to do the most despicable things. She gaslit me for months and I begam doubting myself. I honestly felt like I had absolutelty lost it. I wanted to trust her so bad but for months she made me doubt common sense and my instincts. She'd habitually say something and then claim she never said it or that she meant something else. She tried to convince me that for three months she never saw her COW/AP in the office whom she was seeing routinely for months prior. She'd deliberately say things in a way to lead me to a conclusion but there would be a lie buried. Her: "I told you that I spoke with him after you called his wife". Without asking, I assumed after meant the same day, hours. After turns out to be several days after. That comes to light at a later time. I'd later find out from an IC that this is gaslighting.

My WW stole all of that safety, comfort with this affair and her inability to tell me anything without an interrogation. I don't feel that she loses quite as much given any outcome. This crap will haunt me whether with her or someone else. It's happened to me twice now.

I cheated, it would never have happened if she didn't first. There is no relief of vindication in that act. It created more problems than it solved. I screwed with someone elses emotions out of spite for my wife. I couldn't parse out which feelings of mine were real vs not in my experiences with my AP. While painful for my WW to endure, there was no shock and awe aspect for her. It did not come from out of thin air. I don't expect this will create lasting trust issues for her. I came clean quickly and disclosed all details without needing them pulled from me. The same is not true for her.

if it were me, i would walk away and make modalities for seeing my daughter..... her family knowing about her affair makes things worst

Now you’re both waywards. Do you feel you won anything?

Waywards don’t win. Betrayed don’t win. Revenge affairs don’t win. They are all losers. Of vows, of love, of commitment, time, energy.

If you both can recommit to work on your marriage,accept each other’s betrayals, block the outside family part for now, and really work on you two, you might have a chance.

But don’t ever believe waywards win.

If you are a good parent you will get 50/50 custody of your kid. It's fairly standard these days, don't think she automatically gets more time with the kid cuz she is the mother.

As to reconciling, if your willing and she willing, you can give it a shot. Honestly, it kind of sounds like a deal breaker reading your thread. I know what you are feeling, I've been there. I somehow made it to the other side and so will you.