SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have recently found out that my wife had been cheating on me with a stranger that she had met on craigslist.

For some backstory, we have been together for 14 years: 10 yrs dating(we met young and got married after college and were into our careers), 2 yrs engaged/wedding planning, and just under 2 years married(our anniversary is the beginning of November.)We were currently in the process of trying to buy a home, and we do not have children yet. She had been diagnosed with PCOS, which meant that we would most likely not be able to conceive naturally. We have been living with her parents while saving for a home and a real plans on building a life together. I was devastated to find out what was going on.

I was under the impression that things were going well, aside from the things that you would expect from a couple in our situation. The saving for the house had gone slower then planned, and we were both become increasingly more unhappy moving back in with parents. But there were a lot of victories for us too. We had gotten our credit in good shape, we adopted a beautiful dog that we love very much, and she had gone through a transformative weight loss over the last 9 months. Her weight had been an issue for her for a long time, and was something that she had struggled with our entire relationship.

I was very supportive of her push to get her weight under control, and it was haveing a positive effect on our relationship. We were intimate much more then we had been, and she was expressing interest in joining me in active hobbies that I have been doing for a while(snowboarding, biking). It was nice to see her confidence building again, and she looked great too.

I did start to get get the feeling that she had been talking to someone else as she was on her phone constantly, and seemed to be hiding it from me. We were used to close quarters and she never tried to hide her phone from me, but had recently started. I told her that it was making me feel insecure in a calm way, and asked her if anything was going on. She said no, and said she would cut back on the phone while we were hanging out. She did not do that, so I told her again, also in a non threatening way that i was feeling insecure and she assured me she was not talking to anyone. I had my suspicions, but I figured that at most, she was talking to someone, flirting and whatnot.

It turns out that she had been posting and relying to posts on local craigslist personal ads, and that she had in fact had sex with one man she met on 7 occasions. I found this out after going to shut down the computer and seeing their email conversation right in my face. She had fallen asleep early and I was helping her mother and stepfather paint the kitchen. I came up when we were done and did my routine of shutting off the lights and computer. She must have been either reading them or replying to him and left it up.

I was was so in shock by what i saw that i didn't take screenshots or look at any of the other emails that we from CL posts, but i could see that there were a lot. I immediately woke her up and asked her what i had just read, and she denied it. So i brought her back to the computer and read the open email convo about how they couldn't wait to see each other again. there were nude pictures of both of them, ones of her while she was at work. After i read it to her, she finally admitted she had cheated and logged out her email as i went to open more, she tole me not to do this.

She told me that that this man, who is married with children, and she refuses to identify, had responded to a post she had made around May. They had met up and had sex 7 times between then and when i found out. She was sneaking out early in the morning on weekends, and would meet in parking lots and have sex in his van, and then she would come home. This was typically under the guise of going for a run. She told me that they were not texting or having a romantic relationship, it was just quick meetups then leave. She endangered herself but meeting with strangers in parking lots, and i also found out that she did not always use protection during sex with him and never did while giving oral. She says that she did not orgasm with him and that it wasnt good sex, i guess it was just the rush of it.

She had done this to me one time in the past, while we were dating and in college, she had again lost some weight and had a romantic relationship with another man. I forgave her, as she attributed to going through a rough time in her life; her parents split up and she had been abusing the meds she was getting for her anxiety disorder. We worked through it built our lives together. I was committed to her and to us.

When i found out i was fairly calm towards her, more sad over the loss of our relationship, not a lot of anger. I have gotten angry at times over the past week since i have found out, but i am ultimately trying to be amicable, to make it easier on both of us. We have been talking here and there over the past week, heeding the advice to cut communication is very difficult for me. She was my friend, she was my family. I have never felt fully comfortable talking to my family in the way that we talk, and frankly, my wife knows me better then my family does.

I told everyone what happened, and i regret doing that as i now find myself torn between getting a divorce immediately or trying to work things out. I don't think that i will ever trust her again, but our love for each other was incredible and i don't believe i will ever find that again. I miss her terribly, and the normalcy of life, our dog too.

I moved out the day after i found out, and there is an aggressive dog at the home where i am staying. She has told me to take the dog when i move get an apartment, which will not be until November. It is very had and i feel an immense guilt for taking the dog. i did agree to take her, and said she my wife could take her for the day when she wanted.

I told my family and some friends all of the details, and most of them hate her for what she did. I dont want them to hate her because it skews and help they try to provide. My parents and sister are pushing for a quick divorce. The day i found out, i told my wife and mother-in-law that we are getting divorced. I regret sharing the details to my family, i even told some of our mutual friends what she was doing. I was in shock and still am. I am trying to keep it together but i find my self spewing things out to anyone that will listen.

I am more lonely then i have ever been, even though i am surrounded by supportive and loving people all the time. I dont know what to do or how to react. i am very unsure of my feelings.

I am looking for some advice or direction as i feel lost at sea right now.

As hard as it will be, moving on from her is probably what will be best. From what you described, I think you have only scratched the surface on her extramarital activities and you didn't mention any intention or efforts on her part to reconcile.

She swears that the other emails were people she was sharing pics with and that she had only engaged in sex with one person. You are probably right though because she denied this until i read the email to her.

I told my family and some friends all of the details, and most of them hate her for what she did. I dont want them to hate her because it skews and help they try to provide. My parents and sister are pushing for a quick divorce. The day i found out, i told my wife and mother-in-law that we are getting divorced. I regret sharing the details to my family, i even told some of our mutual friends what she was doing. I was in shock and still am. I am trying to keep it together but i find my self spewing things out to anyone that will listen.

Exposure is part of the process we very often recommend here. It doesn't kill the chance to reconcile. It empowers you to shine the light of truth on the situation. It prevents her from pitching the rewrite of your marriage so she can try and justify her deplorable choices and actions and keep her from blame shifting her cheating on you. You didn't risk anything with regard to working things out because before you even consider offering the gift of reconciliation to your WW she needs to have remorse over what she did to you and the marriage. If she actually is remorseful, she will power through what everyone thinks about her and her cheating on you to do whatever she can to help you heal and hopefully get you to reconsider a second chance.

Normally, we also tell the betrayed to NOT move out of the home but given in your case you both live with her parents it was probably best that you did and that you should continue with your own apartment. This will be necessary in your detachment and healing. DO immediately and silently seek consultation with an attorney to at the very least be aware of your rights in a divorce. Do NOT share anymore information with her parents or anyone else as to what you and your attorney discuss on the matter. If you family and friends ask about whether you are divorceing or not, you tell them you have not decided anything yet because you are still trying to figure things out.

Now, there is a link to the left of this page called the Healing Library. Click that next. It is full of great information about the Who, What, Where, When, and some generalized Why's of infidelity. A lot of the info may resonate with you.

Now, I'm going to point out two things in your situation that resonate with me, and a lot of members here -

I was very supportive of her push to get her weight under control, and it was haveing a positive effect on our relationship. We were intimate much more then we had been, and she was expressing interest in joining me in active hobbies that I have been doing for a while(snowboarding, biking). It was nice to see her confidence building again, and she looked great too.

and

She had done this to me one time in the past, while we were dating and in college, she had again lost some weight and had a romantic relationship with another man.

Since I have been on this site I read other's stories about "weight" issues, "insecurity" issue, "low self esteem" issues that center around the cheater it often draws back to a past childhood trauma of some sort. In my own situation, my XW was a child abuse victim when she was 8. She also fluctuated with weight. She also cheated in the past, not with me, but in a previous relationship. She fell hook, line, and sinker for any compliment that came her way. She was addicted to ego kibbles. She NEVER got real therapy for her trauma. Her parents were in total denial of the abuse. To this day, she thinks she still doesn't need any help. This is the real challenge for you, more so your WW. If your WW does not at the very least seek IC (individual counseling) to address whatever issue she has to fix her broken it is VERY likely she will repeat the cheating behavior again, and again. Your WW sounds like she cheats to cope.

... but our love for each other was incredible and i don't believe i will ever find that again.

You will. Don't sell yourself short and don't immediately dismiss more deserving and better future candidates to be your partner. You have already demonstrated the capacity to take a relationship to deep levels of intimacy and to honor your vows. You are golden. It doesn't feel like there is a bright future tomorrow because you have poured so much into your current marriage but right now the vision of the future is being clouded by blind love and the shit storm you are having to dealing with today.

I am more lonely then i have ever been, even though i am surrounded by supportive and loving people all the time. I dont know what to do or how to react. i am very unsure of my feelings.

Detachment is the next key step. You need to continue to detach from the situation and from your WW. Getting that apartment is going to help you get some clarity. You will be going through the many steps of grief over the death of the marriage as you knew it. You will be on the emotional roller coaster and the only way to get over that is to go through it. It is actually the fastest way. At some point, you will have the information and the answers you need to make a determination. But for now, just get your ducks in a row for a potential divorce. Even if you file, you can always stop it if you change your mind.

nextlife, I'm guessing you are in your mid thirties if I did the math right. Don't fear the future. I was 43 when my Dday arrived. I was a soon to be divorced, overweight dad with two kids with debt levels as any struggling middle class family on average would have with a mortgage, car and credit card payments I was juggling. I thought "who in the hell would ever be interested in a guy like me?" I had discounted so many good attributes about myself, some those be a loving, loyal, devoted husband that I was doing more damage to myself than my XW did. I am about 5yrs past my Dday and I couldn't have been so wrong about my chances about finding a new beginning. Just know that for now, your chances are VERY good for a new beginning if your situation ends in divorce. Don't fear the future and don't let it keep you from making the tough and necessary choices to get yourself out of infidelity.

Hi nextlife, so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You've found a good place in this website. Take your time reading through things people post and say. Take care of yourself. Lots of water, good food and rest. No alcohol as this doesn't help.

Reread what jduff said, then read again.

Keep posting here and other forums.

One small step at a time. Mostly take care of you for now. You've suffered a terrible shock and trauma. There is no explaining things away. You will get through this.

You still have so much life to look forward to. Please take care of yourself. You deserve someone who will be loyal and commit as faithfully as you.

She most likely had sex with more than just the one Craigslist POS. By the time a WS is trolling Craigslist for NSA sex, they are quite far down the rabbit hole.

First, STD testing for you. Who knows what disease she's brought home and given you. Plus, waywards are know to let the AP do things to them or do things for them that they wouldn't even consider doing for the BS. There are tons of stories about the WS giving oral, anal, etc. when they tell the BS that they won't do that for them. Great ways to spread a STD as well. Protection is rarely, if ever, used.

Second, she's a serial cheater. Those are nearly impossible to fix.

Third, no way in hell I'd buy a house with her at this point.

Fourth, only married two years, no house to get rid of, and no kids. Get out while you still can.

You need to find out the identity of the OM and let the OBS know what the POSOM has been up to. She deserves to know what is going on in her life and to protect her health.

I'm sorry for your pain. We've all been there so we know. And I have no doubt that you're hoping for a better answer than "Run, Forrest, run!". Most of us do at the JFO stage. But speaking to you as one who has BTDT with a Craigslist cheater, if he had done me that way two years into the marriage with no kids, no mortgages, no shared debt to consider, I'd have moved on so fast it would've taken a week for the breeze to catch up. Instead, he waited more than 30 years until my youth and vitality had waned.

Don't wait for that. This girl sounds like she's pretty much your only experience with women. There are better ones out there. You're young, college-educated, smart. Don't get bogged down with someone who's already cheated you twice. Most people never really change, and the ones who do have to want it more than anything and I do mean ANYTHING.

I'm reconciled with my cheater, and while I'm reasonably sure he won't do it again... I'll never fully trust him the way I once did. Love is important, but trust is important too.

You probably don't know the half of it. If what she said is true then she'd show you the emails. If you're definitely divorcing her then don't worry about it. She met people from craigslist. That's literally as low as it gets. Get checked for STD's right away.

If, however, you want to consider staying together then she has to show you everything immediately. 100% transparency and you need the identities of these sexual partners because I promise you there is more than one.

Thank you for all of the advice, and one reply hit the nail on the head. She did in fact have a childhood trauma, and it blew me away that you had made the association without knowing.

I have been eating better today, and am keeping focused on getting a stable place to live, but the closest will be in November, so I am in limbo living out to suitcases until then. I am missing my dog very much and will have her when i do move out of my friends house.

I am going to get tested for STD's and am looking for a psychologist that takes health insurance to help with the depression.

Some have mentioned letting the other mans wife know. Unfortunately all i know is his email, and it does not seem to be connected to any public online profiles. I have decided to not go down the road of private investigator and all of that, i feel that it will make things harder then then they already are. I have asked my wife to take some responsibility (since she will not give me any info) and to let the other woman know about her husband but have not had any luck in budging her.

I am feeling a little better today after writing this and reading all of the wonderful responses. I am glad that i have come across a group of kind and compassionate people in such a rough time in my life.

She did in fact have a childhood trauma, and it blew me away that you had made the association without knowing.

Then you know that we know what we are talking about. Wayward behavior is actually very predictable, almost like they follow a script. It is simply flawed human behavior and wayward try to put a lot of "special" meaning behind it to rationalize it to themselves. You will see a commonality in all of our responses. Much of it may seem counter intuitive but they work. What does not work is playing the "pick me" dance, begging for the wayward to come back, and staying in limbo. Don't delay on that visit to the attorney.

I have asked my wife to take some responsibility (since she will not give me any info) and to let the other woman know about her husband but have not had any luck in budging her.

Then understand what that alone tells you. She would rather remain in infidelity than respect your conditions to work on the marriage. Unless you take actions now that show you will not accept her unwillingness to work on the relationship then all she is doing is sitting on the fence and enjoying cake.

I'm going to be real honest here. She got away with it the first time. You both rug swept her first affair. She has no reason now to believe you won't react the same way this time but what is going to be different is how much more fucking strangers she can get away with before she has had enough of being treated like a piece of ass and comes back to you for "security" again.

I'm so sorry thy you find yourself here. We all belong to this terrible club. There will be many posts with advice for you. Take what you need.

Take care of yourself first. Unfortunately, you do need to get an STD test. Your life is not over. This is her issue and it isn't your fault. Even if it hurts, it is best to get the full truth. Gently, you may not have it all yet.

Anger is normal. You have been betrayed and hurts. If you need help coping, IC can be a good choice. They can give you support and helpful tools. Not everyone will be the right fit to talk to but it is good to find someone. This forum is also good for that.

Thank you Jduff, I do trust your insight and this whole conversation has been extremely helpful for me. I have decided to keep communication to a minimum, and I am reaching out for counseling for myself this week.

I agree that her refusal to protect the identity of this man show her lack of remorse, her defense is that she is doing it to protect me from doing something that could get me hurt, like threaten him or something. I am not a violent person and would not consider anything like this. She also says that she has cut ties with him as of a month or so ago, and that she has caused enough damage and doesn't want to ruin another family.

I don't really believe any of this, and I want to believe that it is over, but that is probably a lie too. She is sticking with her arguments, and is choosing to protect some guy over me. She might be worried about his wife attacking her for all i know. I have told her that I will need to know everything if we are ever going to get through this, which i doubt will happen at this point. I think that she needs to own up to what she did and face the consequences of her actions by telling the other mans wife.

I will be contacting an attorney to see how I can protect myself. Anything that I should focus on immediately? We have already split the savings and have no major investments together. I am slightly concerned about lines of credit being opened in my name, but I do monitor my credit regularly.

Thank you again for all of your advice, I am really grateful for the support.

I bet if you had the resources and were still living with your old lady not much would have changed with regard to her behavior.

In fact I'm guessing this behaviour she has is more then you or her can get through w ith out her getting some serious/perfessional help.

The thing I am sure of is what you are feeling is normal when ever some one loses a loved one.

You are grieving the death of someone you love the reality is that someone is still alive and not the person you thought you knew...this women lead you to believe she was someone she really wasnt.

You just met the real person and that is not the person you fell in love with....that women you fell in love with has passed away...hell she never existed man!

Your pain is real....the women you thought was your wife is not.

Sorry for you lose.

You will move on and life will continue just like life continues when ever we lose loved ones. It will be ok.

At the end of the day this women misrepresented her self and your famy and friends can see this.

When you look at this at 50,000 feet like the rest of us we can see clearly whats what....but you...you are right in the middle of it, up close and personal, your heart is messing with you when the rest of us can see how unhealthy this relationship is.

The first thing you need to do is get to a gym.

Your immediate concern is you.

Take care of your self...eat, stay healthy, no booze, and work out/run.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:49 PM, September 17th (Sunday)]

Anything that I should focus on immediately?

Detachment. Read up on the 180. Follow your attorney's advice. Let him/her do their job to work in your favor. Discuss with your attorney the potential liability regarding those lines of credit and how to best handle it. Your part is you simply watch her actions over her words. Clarity will come to you. In the mean time, start acting and planning on moving on. Your WW will notice this more than you trying hanging on, waiting in limbo.

I'm going to disclose that I'm a person who believes that ANY cheating is a deal breaker. Period. But, I recognize that not all betrayed feels the same way. All I am saying is you want to be in the best position possible where you hold as much of the cards in your hands, the best leverage in the situation possible, BEFORE you determine if your WW deserves a second chance. I want you to be in the position where you can easily decide if your WW just wants you around as some fucking security blanket or she actually wants to be your life partner. I want you to know the difference between a woman who "hopes" you give her another chance at being a standard wife again and makes her choices based on how you move forward versus a woman who FIGHTS against all odds to earn just a consideration to convince you to give her another chance. The former is much more common than the latter.

You want to know what it is like for a wayward to reach that point of wanting to earn their way back into the marriage? Go read some threads in the Wayward Side threads. As harsh as this sounds I don't have much respect for a wayward to begin with, but the waywards that find their way here have at least the cahones to admit they fucked up and are looking for a way to fix things. They earn my respect. Coming here for them is the beginning of looking in the mirror. So, IMO that's the standard that your WW needs to measure up to.

She is sticking with her arguments, and is choosing to protect some guy over me.

Doesn't sound like she is on track to be a reformed Craig list fuck buddy surfer, does she? Don't worry. For some waywards it takes some time to get a clue. In the mean time, please schedule an STD test like other posters have mentioned and make it real for her when you suggest she do the same.

Hopefully some pro-R folks will chime in and give you some wisdom. This isn't my expertise.

I'm one of those very pro-R people, and I wouldn't even speak to her again until she gives you all the info you ask for.

I would also be filing for D as fast as I can.

Nextlife, you have to know that finding hookups on craigslist is really messed up. Its the lowest place to cheat. By using unprotected sex means she didnt care about infecting you . By protecting his identity should tell you where her head is at. She will probably say things that will try to lure you back . Dont believe a word of it .She is a proven liar and the only thing that says anything is her actions.

There doesnt appear to be anything to save here . you dont have any kids , you dont have any assets, so a divorce wont be complicated . You do need to make sure that you are not responsible for any debt that she concurs because she is very unpredictable. See a lawyer as soon as you can .

You caught her before you were married. More than likely this is who she is , you just didnt catch the other times. Consider yourself lucky , you deserve much better than that.