SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its a proven fact that infidelity loves darkness...it secrets are exciting...the thrill of doing something bad and nobody knows.

But once you bring infidelity into the light its not nearly as much fun as it was when it was in the dark.

Once certain folks know that a waward spouse is a liar and a cheat it kind of takes the excitement out of meeting up with the AP.

A rule I learned is to make the affair as uncomfotable and as inconvenient as possible.

I got lucky and my old lady excepted the consequences and we R'd. Other folks not so lucky and D'd but at the end of the day who is the lucky one......the guy with the cheating wife or the guy with a new life and gf?

No matter what you need to stand up to this disrespect!

The biggest mistake that freshly betrayed make is to hide their anger

You have some difficult times in front of you. Get angry and stay angry. Be respectful, but be angry.

You are an abuse victim and we are here to help you

Go straight to the guys wife and tell her everything you know. A problem shared is a problem halved. As soon as you raise this with your wife its going to be total bs. Pincer action with the OBS and it might kill the affair.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:58 PM, September 3rd (Sunday)]

Only popped on for a minute but had to respond to this. If you keep being this passive you'll lose the love of your life for good. Stop being so weak about this. She'll lose all respect for you. Be the leader of your family and blow this up. His BW also needs to be informed and make sure you keep your proof safe.

Thx1138

It is very important that you take control in a strong way. If you don't, months from now you will be saying "I wish I listened to you guys" and regret that you didn't. Remember you did nothing to make her choose this path. You are the prize here, not her. She is the one that has gone outside her vows.

You have to let go of the result. You can't make her want to stay with you and end it with him if she doesn't want to. All you can control is what you do, how you act and react and how you find your way out of her infidelity

Those on this site who have acted decisively and taken control most often can find happiness. Sometimes it's thru a remorseful spouse and working thru R with them. Other times it's realizing that it's thru D and not living a false life with a spouse who is faking it and never really leaving the A

- I agree to start first with the other betrayed spouse (OBS). Meet with her and show her the evidence. Don't email or FB message her as the OM may pick it up. Go to her house when u know he won't be home or at her work. Together you can fill in the gaps. Decide when and where to confront your spouses either together or separately

- confront. There will be a lot of shock to go around. They will try to downplay what occurred. They will make promises they can't keep. It will be a few days before you can tell if you have a remorseful spouse or not.

There are a lot more steps to take after this but most importantly:

- find a lawyer. Start working with one whether or not you decide to D.

- find an IC for you. You're gonna need it no matter what happens.

I am going to Private Message you here a good thread to read that shows how someone took control right away and saved his marriage. There are too many BS's that are struggle with this and can't seem to take action for fear of losing their marriages. Truth is they already have but won't admit it to themselves.

I hope and pray you won't be one of them

Take care.

Learn to be a Man that's what you need to learn to become, You come off week buddy women don't like that it's so unattractive to a woman. I can't even believe that there are men like you and then I come to these sites, I have been for years and yet over and over you guys are having your asses handed you by their own wives. then I ponder why well then it's obvious when you have a guy that is so afraid of his wife finding out that he read her private messages over his own marriage. That's part of your answer there I can't even comprehend that. The only privacy your wife entitled to is when she goes and takes a dump. First priority is trying to save your Marriage. Trying to save your marriage I'm not sure I'd want to now after all you told us she's no good. And want to save your marriage you supposed to act like a man.

[This message edited by trojan007 at 12:46 AM, July 21st (Friday)]

Show the Posom's wife the picture of them kissing. Your wife is deep in a physical affair. OM is a player. He has been grooming her ever since they met. Man up or give up it's your call. Expose to his wife and see what's left to pick up. 70-75 percent of the people that get the this point divorce. It's your call. Can you stomach knowing they have been having a physical affair?

Thank you everyone for the ideas, encouragement and hard truths. I am devasted and TBH terrified about D, about confrontation, and how to move forward. It's a new reality and nightmare. I don't want to go through D but I think that is something that will have to be on the table along with R but I need to confront first. It's a difficult situation when the OM has become a part of our circle of friends. I'm a private person in general so posting here was a major source of anxiety. Telling the OBS is something that never occurred to me until I got here and now just another source of anxiety.

Again thank you and will reach back out for more ideas and encouragement as I proceed down this new path.

You need to blow this open today..or the next thing you will be watching on that camera is the make out session at the door...clothes flying off and him picking your wife up and carrying her off to the bedroom...

Go see that mans wife today

As EVERYONE is telling you, you need to blow this up. If your circle of friends are decent human beings then this douche bag will be ostracized from the group quickly. If not, then they're not a very good group of friends and you don't want them in your life anyway. Be strong, determined, and steadfast about this. She'll respect that. Don't be a doormat and don't be weak. The longer you wait, the more she'll lose respect that you knew she was being with another man yet stood by and did nothing about it...like a cuckold. Please act quickly and decisively and you may save your M.

You know your ww and om set the friendship thing up between you all is because you were asking questions and to carry on right under your noses...the thought process for that is you two would not suspect a thing because after all ...your all friends and hang out together. It's nothing but a smoke screen...you and that mans poor wife were duped..

Please stop this today by telling the OBS.

[This message edited by learning9433 at 12:47 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

I don't want to go through D but I think that is something that will have to be on the table along with R but I need to confront first.

With this type of betrayal, not only should D be on the table, it should be the default. Your mindset should be that you are moving toward that destination and she has to earn your consideration for R to stop that train.

[This message edited by badmemory at 1:52 PM, July 21st (Friday)]

Start exposure and follow along with what the helpful people here are suggesting and it'll be the source of killing that anxiety.

The only action here which will cause more anxiety is doing nothing. If you are scared get angry!!! She is literally abusing you! Her boyfriend snickers when he sees you. They both think they are pulling one over on you. GET ANGRY. You're the type who needs it

You need to put a stop to this shit

she probably is having a full-on sexual affair with the OM, but you don't have irrevocable proof. You just know based on circumstantial evidence.

Why is this important? Because if she thinks you are not sure, if you give her a hint of doubt, she will lie, lie, lie her rear end off to cover her tracks. Not good for anybody.

So you either need to get positive evidence of sex between them to confront her with, or just go in stating that you know she is doing it, period. She will try to get you to prove you know - don't play her game. Just, "I know".

Best if you can serve her with divorce papers right then and there. Put it all on the table. Make her understand that it all hangs in the balance, you know enough of the truth, and then any evasion means the divorce goes forward. Period. No negotiation, no wheedling or manipulation.

Then be ready to tell her exactly what you want. Exactly the boundaries you need, and what needs to happen. Again, not a negotiation. She has already destroyed the marriage, and you are allowing her to convince you that maybe you should give her a chance.

It is all about taking charge, being in control, laying down the shock & awe. It does both of you a favor by skipping the bullshit and getting to the truth.

Sending strength!

If you just happened to catch a doorway kissing session in your house at the door.... what are they doing in other locations? You need to be serious and realistic about this... They have been having sex for a very long time now. It is in your post about the changes in her behavior and changes in intimacy between you two.

She is investing, time, energy, desire, plans, intimacy, exploring the relationship with the other man to it's fullest, while she is doing only minimal effort to keep you in the dark and on hold until they decide if they want to take their relationship to the next level. You are getting emotional and physical intimacy scraps from her while she is feeding the other man steak.

Did she promote the other man into the friend circle?

Having him in the friend circle while having an affair with him is intentional humiliation. There is a level of emotional and relationship abuse that is insidious and cruel.

She is an adult. She know actions have consequences.

She knows that she could and probable will get discovered having this affair. Having and keeping an affair with him while married to you...

What does she think that will do to you?

Is it realistic to think that the thought hasn't at least crossed her mind at least a few times?

This is carefully planned. She is intentionally involved with this. Most, Most, Most adults know the consequences.

Affairs rob time, energy, focus, intimacy, relationship development from the marriage.

She is stealing from your relationship and giving what is stolen to another person.

If she wants to invest herself in another relationship, she should have had the decency to inform you and give you the option to accept it or move on. You deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who isn't in a relationship with you on a part time basis.

For a guy with 6 posts QuietDan has pretty much hit it on the head.

THX- you know what you need to do...By involving the OBS you will have someone on your side. You wife left your team once she hooked up with the OM.

If I was in your position, here is what I would do. One day over breakfast or lunch I would tell her that I have something to say. I would tell her that I was only going to say what I need to say and that I do not require any response from her. I would tell her that I knew everything, EVERYTHING that took place between her and Mr.POS. That this knowledge is buried in your brain and will never see the light of day unless you have a very good reason for it to come to light. I would say that "I want you to know that I am not as unaware or as in the dark as you think I am or was. I love you and love our life together and I want to keep that life and live it with you. That is all I have to say." Keep your calm. She will probably pound you with questions. Tell her she already knows the answer to what she is asking. Then tell her that sometime in the future if she wants to discuss it that you will do so. Do not set a definite time. Never, never, never tell her your source. Her mind will be racing with, "what does he know."

Just smile and continue with life. You sound as though you are happy with the way things are going now. So hold on to that. I wish you well.

MAny good angles and advice here, only you will know when to expose, hopefully after you have got as much information about how long and how to what extent the affair has been.

I must agree, it is most likely progressed to a physical affair already. Notifying the OBS is absolutely the best thing you can do, she may have more information, and coordinate the timing of exposing with her if you can. You DO NOT want them getting their stories coordinated to minimize.

Thx1138, how are you?