SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Title kinda says it all. My stbxww has had mental health issues for years. I've forced her into therapy before in our marriage for her problems and she is still under doctor supervision and on multiple meds to control depression and anxiety.

She lost her mom 2 weeks ago. We are still in I.H.S as things are seeming to take forever on the divorce front. I've been supportive and helped her my F.I.L and our kids through this time as best I can. I want out of here and this marriage but don't wish to see her dead.

The trains coming off the rails though with her. I came home to an absolutely wasted WW last night who threw herself at me sexually and then proceeded to start a massive 2 hr drunken discussion about our marriage and abuse she endured before it.

I do believe her claims of the assaults she stated last night. There was always something dark there that she just refused to acknowledge to anyone. An employee of her family forced himself on her at 14 she says and her own g.d father did some inappropriate things that damaged her in many ways. This was after her mom and dad divorced.

She claims she wants to die, I'm trying to get her back in individual counseling. So many things got said to me last night. I ended up on drunk suicide watch till she sobered up at around 8 this morning. At which time I managed to grab a couple hrs sleep. After I denied her she really lashed out and I must say she knows where to slip that knife in after 22 years.

I don't think its just a play to get me back on her part. I could try and have her committed for evaluation but don't know if that will even be possible as it is known we are divorcing. Her stepdad is concerned with her too. He sees the cracks forming and she has said some things he recognized as massive red flags. He doesn't know of the past abuse, she begged me not to ever tell him or our kids last night.

He only learned of her past attempts at suicide recently as he asked me for input on how she is acting and I disclosed that she is under doctor treatment and has had failed attempts in the past.

With all she drunkenly discussed with me last night, I know she truly doesn't see her actions in our marriage as unacceptable in a relationship. Still lays blame for her actions on everything but her poor decisions. She still can accept no responsibility for her actions and will never see them for the destructive force that they were.

She feels like she has lost everything, in her words. She's not far from wrong there. The abuse was not her fault and I stated this to her repeatedly. I've always treated her with kindness love and respect. The last 8 months that was not as possible to do with what she did to me. But except for the passing of her mom, it was her decisions and actions in our marriage that have led her to this point in her life. I just don't know what to do on this front anymore.

There is absolutely no way I will give another chance at this doomed marriage. I did that multiple times, and her actions never changed and in fact only got worse. I'm reaching out to one or two of her close friends to try and support her and see if they can lead her towards counseling. I don't know if it will help or if it will be one more massive blowup in my face.

what to do when your stbxws starts acting suicidal

I've forced her into therapy before

Stop. Stop doing it for her. She's got to do it for herself. Last night you should have called 911 and let them handle her.

You need to relinquish yourself from this "responsibility" that you are holding. It is not yours to hold. I know that despite what she did, you still have some feelings for her and do not want her dead, BUT she is the only one who can help herself.

In the future, at any mention of suicide, call the police. She will either stop doing it because she is faking and won't want the police involved OR is she is serious, then she will get the help that she needs.

Another thing: stop covering for her. There is no reason to keep this stuff a secret. She needs help.

nycs

FWIW I would do your best at getting her committed. Under the eyes of the law, you are still her husband. I could be completely wrong, but you would blame yourself (at least in part) if she ended up doing something awful to herself and you didn't at least try to have her committed.

Sending much good karma and prayers your way.

^^^^ Yep. If there is another suicide threat you dial 9-1-1 and stay with her until they arrive. That is all you owe her at this point.

Reached out to her one friend she may listen too. She's aware of what's going on, at least a big part of it. If she acts like she's going to attempt suicide again I will call 911. I know that those who are telling me to completely disconnect are probably right. Soon, all I can hope for is that this mess is over soon.

Please always carry a VAR on you...... protect yourself.

Call 911 if she talks about suicide.

Edit.... my computer has a mind of its own.

[This message edited by minusone at 6:24 PM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

I hate to sound cold, but you call 911 and walk away.

If the authorities don't/can't help her, it's not up to you to do so.

If she kills herself, that is on her, not you.

You are divorcing, she is not your responsibility. She is her own responsibility.

The more you try to "help" her, the more you stay connected and tied down to her crazy world.

My late WH#2 committed suicide about a week after I had him served with divorce docs. He chose to do it in our home when I was just down the hall in another bedroom.

He had a wife, mother, father, and two brothers (not to mention nieces and a nephew) who all tried at various times to persuade, cajole, threaten, etc him to get help for his depression and alcoholism.

There is NOTHING you can do if she chooses to hurt herself.

It is NOT your fault if she chooses to hurt herself.

The best thing you can do is call professionals and back away. You are not equipped to handle this. The professionals are.

If you want more information, read my profile.

It is long, so you can probably skip down to around Nov 2014 if you want to see where things really started to unravel for late WH.

Again - there is nothing (short of calling 911 for help) that you can do for your STBXWW.

She has to WANT to get help. Until she does, you'll just stay stuck in the mire.

Trust me. I know.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 7:40 PM, June 27th (Tuesday)]

With all she drunkenly discussed with me last night, I know she truly doesn't see her actions in our marriage as unacceptable in a relationship. Still lays blame for her actions on everything but her poor decisions. She still can accept no responsibility for her actions and will never see them for the destructive force that they were.

Does this extend into other aspects of her life? If so, how are you going to help her?

If she says or acts suicidal, you call 911 immediately. She needs help beyond what you can give her.

Inform her doctor.

I am (and have even posted about it) in a very similar situation, all the advice to disconnect is good... BUT it's so hard when you're in the situation to not care about what they may do to themselves - especially when you know the damage they will cause to your children if they are ever successful. Everyone here can tell you what to do, and no - you can't really stop someone who's serious about committing suicide. But I know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything in my power to at least encourage my WH and try to get him the help that could maybe make a difference. They still have to want to help themselves, and I think you can do it while maintaining boundaries. It's so, so, so scary when you just dont know what they'll do. I think you need to maybe have a frank conversation with her when she's sober, tell her that you're afraid for her mental state and then entrust her over to a family member or friend so you can step back. She needs to stop drinking, no good can come from mixing alcohol and depression. Maybe that's what her family and friends should focus on first. I don't have as much advice - just wanted you to know you're not alone in going through this.

Thank you all for your input and support. All the firearms I can legally lock up and keep away from her are just that, locked up in the bedroom I'm currently occupying that was my sons. Heavy old wooden house door with a dual tumbler deadbolt means she will have a hell of a time trying to access them.

She has one 22 rifle I cant take from her as that is hers and I know for a fact if I do she will call to have me arrested. Her previous attempts were pill and alcohol related so there's not much I can do there. All my guns that are mine from my father are all locked safely away.

I urged her to seek help today and said I cant do it for her and from here she needs to make the decision to get well on her own if she is going to. I cant bring myself to bring F.I.L into this mess as he's barely holding himself together right now. And I don't wish that pain on him.

I May contact our family doctor tomorrow. I'm still weighing that one. She's aware of stbxww situation obviously and that we are getting divorced and why as she's my doctor too. She was the one who sent me for S.T.D testing when I expressed my concerns on the stbxw's behavior.

Our doc is like fort knox with info. What I tell her stays with her. I believe ex has a follow up appointment with her again soon. I still have hippa authorization on her healthcare for info so I may at least express my concerns to her.

Past that as painful as it is she's gotta make it or not on her own. I'm probably going to see a close friend of mine tomorrow who dealt with a near identical situation in his marriage as what trashed mine. The difference being his wife put in the hard work and made some major changes that saved her and their marriage. Not to ask him for help with my stbxw, but just for the emotional support of seeing a good friend for a few hours.

My xWW has definitely had suicidal thoughts, and has expressed them to me (sometimes after the fact, in a moment of reflection) and sometimes during the heat of the moment.

I think she's directly mentioned suicide or alluded to it strongly three to four times since the A, and twice since we separated. After the first post-separation suicide text, I got her friends involved (to do a check-in on her) and let her know that I would call 911 to get her help if she expressed suicidal thoughts to me again.

On the second occasion, after an email that alluded to suicide, I called her friends and the police (since no one could get in touch with her). Ultimately, she had gone to sleep early (so was fine physically), and a friend stayed with her. She was embarrassed (as her neighbors had to deal with the police). But there was a real scare, that wasn't made up.

My xWW has been in IC for at least 10 years dealing with issues related to her childhood sexual abuse. She has some big hurdles to overcome, most of them no fault of her own, and I think her causing the end of our marriage is another one that she has heaped on herself.

For the sake of our son, I really hope she can manage her depression. As I've detached from her emotionally, I've also let go of the anxiety I had over suicidal ideas.

As GabyBaby says, it's not something I can control. I know she is getting professional help, and I know that if I'm in a position again to think she is suicidal, I will call 9-1-1 again. Beyond that, I go on with my day to day, and focus on being the best father I can be to my son.

As far as reaching out to her family... My F.I.L is all she has left other than a few relatives that live out of state. The closest good family friend she has that's like a second mom to her... she lives almost 3 hours away and she isn't doing well healthwise herself. She's dealing with the after effects and treatments from a massive heart attack she had a few months ago.. I cant put the added strain on her.. the stress may tip her over the edge healthwise and then I would have that on my conscious forever.

And like I stated, he's struggling himself with the loss of my M.I.L. I told the ex last night she really should talk to him about some of what happened when she was young. It was someone employed by him and her mom that forced himself on her. I know for a fact he never knew or the guy would have been severely messed up and prosecuted. He raised her as his own since 11 years old. He's a good man and very protective of her.

That's a tough situation, I see why you don't want to burden her stepdad and family with what's going on. Is the doc the same one prescribing her antidepressants? I think that's definitely the route to take, because then maybe there's a way she can address this with her without her ever knowing you've said anything. Maybe she needs her meds switched up, or there's other things she can do to help her. I don't think you have anything to lose by trying that. My WH just recently started m seeing a psych who put him on some meds for bipolar, and I guess the pysch wants to meet with me and find out my side of what he's like to better help him - you bet I'll do that. There's also a whole other angle of help and support out there, but idk if you or your WW are "religious." (I hate that word, but not sure how else to go there lol)

@ anyone13 Yes this doctor is the same one that has treated her for her depression for the last 5 years. She is the one who has adjusted and changed her meds a few times till she found the right meds and doses that helped get her on a more stable track. My stbxw trusts her and is probably my best bet at getting her to seek counseling again for this issue. I'm still on good terms with her doc as she knows I was the one who helped support her and get her treatment for these long term issues at the start of her treatment.

I was there beside her for every doc appointment for support for the first 3 months and periodically if she started to struggle again. I took her to her first few months of I.C too but obviously only as a to and from deal, not actually IN her sessions

Then I definitely think that's what you do, perhaps she may even have some suggestions for you that you haven't thought of? I hope she gets the help she needs. I can't imagine losing my Mom, I'm relatively sane but I will probably come unhinged too when that happens.

then proceeded to start a massive 2 hr drunken discussion about our marriage and abuse she endured before it

This conversation went on about 1 hr 59 minutes and 58 seconds longer than it should have.

What do you do when your stbxws starts acting suicidal? You call 911, and tell them that your stbxws is acting suicidal.

You are wayyyyyy to involved with her, and it reeks of co-dependency.

This is not your responsibility. The only responsibility I will give you is dialing 911. That's it.

Ny, how would she have you arrested for calling the cops for threatening suicide? That makes no sense. Besides, the cops aren't the only ones who come. So do paramedics and depending on what protocol is where you live, they are typically legally bound to hold her for evaluation for a few days. It's 72 hours in my state.

If you're truly concerned that she will attempt to frame you of a crime, stop by the police station before another episode occurs and inform them of it. Then they will know she's full of it if you need to call 911 and she lies to them. I have known people who did this for various reasons and it works. The police are aware that mentally unstable people will some times pull this crap when they start to lose control and they know how to handle it.

If she does this again, you MUST call 911. You are not licensed to prevent her from committing suicide. You are not trained on how to deal with a suicidal person. You CANNOT do this yourself and if you keep allowing her to believe that all she has to do once the D goes through is call and threaten to kill herself and you will spend the night by her side, she will use this against you repeatedly. If she really does need help post D then she will never get it if you never make the call. She will simply do it as soon as you are not there to stop her. Let the professionals handle it. This is way above your pay grade.