SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Tate,

You are a good man. What you are feeling now is very normal, and you will get past it all in time.

WSs have something broken in them that makes them think that infidelity it okay especially when there are children involved. She is right; there is something wrong with her and not with you. The "it's her not you", "it's not me it's her" comments from her speak to her inadequacies as a human being, and eventually you will feel sorry for her. My ex-WW destroyed the family for her AP and thought she had found her "soulmate". After the divorce, she introduced the kids to her AP and then in fairly quick succession, two more "soulmates" and is now alone and clearly, f'd up.

Your WW's AP is not Mr. Wonderful. First, what kind of guy has an affair with a married woman, never mind a married woman with three children. My ex-WW's two APs were losers in many other ways as well. She will see this when the "fog" lifts, but I would follow the rest of the forum member's advice on how to best proceed from this point on. It took time for me, but I can say that life for me is 100% better without my ex-WW, and this is when I think about what things were like before her affairs. She was no prize as a wife, and I feel I have a much better future without her.

You will get through this.

Thanks for all the thoughts and support. It really helps as I try to sort things out in my mind. Sort out the emotions from the logic. For more information the OM is not married.

You really need to tell the kids the truth (everything about where she's at right now, who she's with, multiple suspected affairs, etc... (maybe not the 12 year old). show them an example of what will and should happen if they ever do this or if it ever happens to them), let her know that any communication with the OM in any way shape or form ever again from this very second means she's on her own and start the 180 today. No more mister nice guy. Get with a lawyer today, separate finances/ cancel credit cards and all that. I know it's hard but you HAVE to. Sorry bro, I know your hurting but it's time to cowboy the f*ck up and do what needs to be done... you will be proud of yourself when the dust settles.

[This message edited by brandnewwhammy at 12:45 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

You know one other AP and possibly two. And in a long marriage, it's possible there could be a lot cock roaches state still in the shadows.

Have you considered that your wife has changed, maybe into the type of person you don't like?

In her past cheating, what was the result? What happened and how did you win her back?

This is the 1st time she has admitted to an affair. However I know fir sure there has been at least one other AP, and possibly 2 others.

Your WW is a serial cheater. That means that likelihood of a successful R is extremely low. Sorry you tell you this but it's best if you know the truth.

After saying that I do still love her and hope some how we can salvage things. However after having spending a long sleepless night thinking things over this only works if she truly wants to work on it.

This is the most important insight you could have. Whether a couple can come back from infidelity or not depends upon the WW much more than on the BH. Until the cheater is willing, if not eager, to end the affair, have no further contact the AP, become an open book, help her BH heal and work on herself to learn why she cheated in the first place, there is no chance.

My heart is completely shattered. I don't think I could take another round of being let down. So I've kind of built this wall.

This is good. Instinctively you are doing the right thing (many don't). Disconnecting emotionally from your WW will speed up your recovery and allow you to make better decisions regarding how to deal with her betrayal.

So this is hard balancing act because how do I protect myself without coming across as frigid and cold that she doesn't think I want to work things out.

Distancing yourself from her and showing her that you can be happy without her will actually increase the likelihood of her wanting to R, because it makes you a more attractive partner. Conversely, begging her to come back, crying in front of her and generally acting as if you can't live without her makes you look weak and unattractive and only serves to validate her decision to leave you.

One more question that whole it's not you it's me thing. Isn't that a load of crap. There must be some reason I'm not good enough to be with and the other guy is. Is it because the reasons are so shallow that it's easier for her to say that? How do I overcome this feeling of not being good enough?

As others have said, she is telling you the truth in this regard. When a W cheats, it means there is something wrong with her, not the other way around. That said, being cheated on almost always causes the BH to have feelings of inadequacy. The way to overcome this is to get on with your life. Start taking really good care of your health, becoming more active, spending time with family and friends, focusing on your children and generally proving to yourself that you are worthy of love and respect. I know, it's easier said than done, but it's the truth.

I'm getting ready to go back into work (teacher) this morning and know doubting all my abilities even teaching. I'm worried about not being able to give my students the best experience the next few days. I'm worried work may make me take a few days off to get my mind right. I'm scared of having that time off, I want to stay busy. I made an appointment to speak with our teacher support soesvialist this morning. I'm hoping since there are 2 weeks left in the year they understand my situation and help me through the professional side of this.

Do whatever you have to do to get through the first few weeks. They are the hardest. If necessary, speak to your doctor about anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication and sleep aids.

I've cried the last two days straight. My emotional pain has become physical pain. How long will it take until I can function? I'm afraid i will never get over this.

The extreme emotional pain generally begins to subside in anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. How long it takes is up to you to some extent. Taking care of yourself (rest, nutrition, exercise, counseling) will speed up your recovery.

Tonight we are supposed to talk again. However since she didn't come home and went back to her AP I'm assuming that's the answer. In the back of mind I know she's already gone. My heart keeps holding on with hope. Just hope that I can get through this. I feel broken.

At this point, you would probably be best off telling her you don't want to speak with her. This will help you with the detachment process and send her the message that you can getting on with your life.

Hope this is helpful, Tate, and that you start to feel better soon.

Ditto what 'Alchemy' has said. I felt the same way you do. It takes time and the 360 to get through and find out who you are again. Remember this has nothing to do with you or your manhood. This is about a cheating [*insert favorite explicative here*] who cares about her sick desires more than you and her own children. She's a bad person. Read the healing library. It will help you through this. Again, her actions have nothing to do with your abilities as a man. I've been there too. It's her; she's messed up in the head.

I edited to remove my favorite explicative.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 4:12 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

NOW is not too soon to tell your children and her parents what you know.

Don't wait, or SHE will tell them first and she will spin it to make you look like the bad guy.

Tell your kids what others here have told you to. Tell her parents what you know about this weekend--chapter and verse.

Do this before you talk to her tonight. She's going to try to make you think this is your fault.

I think the best thing for you to do - for yourself - is accept that your marriage is likely over and start taking care of your true family. It's just you and your kids now and they need you to help them through all of this. Find a counselor and get in to see him/her as soon as possible. Find a lawyer and start divorce proceedings as soon as possible. Stop all unnecessary contact with her - all of it. Only communicate with her regarding logistical information about the kids & nothing more. You need to begin to detach from her and ending contact is the way to do it.

friend,

I agree with a point Wk55hn said, be strong. I say this gently, if you whine and cry and sniffle in front of her and abase yourself, you will most certainly lose. I guarantee her AP isn't acting that way. he's acting strong and confident. Sadly, your wife will assume you don't respect yourself. And if you don't respect yourself, you can be sure she won't respect you.

It's counter intuitive, but truly, the best thing you can do is be strong. Give her the cold shoulder. She doesn't deserve your love. (look up the 180) Make her come back to you on her knees begging for forgiveness. If you don't have the stomach for that, you may as well just file for divorce. You'll be in for pain beyond belief.

Stand up for yourself. It's the only way out of this.

good luck friend.

How do you know the AP isn't married? Is the Townhouse his? If not, he's married.

One more question that whole it's not you it's me thing. Isn't that a load of crap. There must be some reason I'm not good enough to be with and the other guy is. Is it because the reasons are so shallow that it's easier for her to say that? How do I overcome this feeling of not being good enough?

So sorry you're here - what you need to realise (and it took me years) is that she probably doesn't see it as a choice between you and a. n. other. She sees it as having both of you.

You've been together a long time, you have a life which includes your children, a home and a mutually comfortable way of life. That provides the underlying stability that most people want; what it can't provide is the excitement of a new lover, sex, spontaneity and unicorn farts with no washing his underwear, no cleaning the bathroom, no traipsing round shops for groceries; in fact none of the routine that is essential within a normal mature marriage.

Now what might that mean? I suspect that the life you have with her may provide her with 70% of what she wants, the adulterous relationship may only provide another 15% - but that adds up to 85%. It doesn't mean he's better, it means that having both of you is better than having just one. She may not see it that way, he's providing that which she hasn't experienced for years, it makes her feel young and vibrant and she's kidding herself that he really cares because she wants to justify getting 85% for as long as possible. And why has she had 85% - because AP provided that little extra over and above what she had got used to having. Unfortunately that is normal human behaviour, it requires character to realise when one has a good thing and resist greed; character your WW apparently lacks.

Unfortunately we all tend to use "sunk cost". We invest and then look back at our investment and fear losing it. If your WW believes she has effectively written off her investment with you she will try to hold on to the lesser investment in her AP and therefore the 15% may, at least temporarily, appear more valuable than the "lost" 70%. That does not mean the 15% is better - it means that the perception of the relative values is skewed by emotion.

Long and short of it - whether she believes it or not, whether anything else she tells you is true or not - when she says it's not you but her SHE'S RIGHT.

the first problem Tate is that you get sad, not angry. And instead of using anger to work constructively to both blowing up thr affair and get angry, you use the sadness to self destruct.

So first, this isn't your fault. Secondly, get angry. Stop feeling badly for yourself. You will survive and recover. Third, file for divorce and look at this like it's a war you must win.

Then win it.

Otherwise, you are going to lose everything.

You have strength in you. Where is it ? Find it

This is the 1st time she has admitted to an affair. However I know fir sure there has been at least one other AP, and possibly 2 others.

I apologize for missing this yesterday.

I will ask you this gently - are you sure you want to pin your tail to this woman's kite? She is a serial cheater and obviously someone who didn't learn her lesson the first time.

So why not? Why didn't she learn her lesson? Was it you? Too lenient? Didn't want to lose your marriage so you allowed her to continue to play house without consequences?

These are important issues - no matter what you decide. Standing up for yourself and demanding accountability from your wife is a hallmark of maturity and self-confidence. It is a characteristic that you want your children to see in you and emulate.

Personally, looking back on all I know now about infidelity, my reaction would be to drop the hammer on your wife and show her that she doesn't get to continue using you as a doormat. She returns with her tail between her legs and willing to do EVERYTHING you ask (and we can counsel you on this) or she NEVER returns and feels the wrath of a husband scorned. Let her see what losing her kids feels like.

I'm sorry - but I have ZERO tolerance for repeat offenders. Once I'll try to rebuild. Twice? I will bury you.

[This message edited by LifeisCrazy at 8:09 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Hey Tate----

Honestly, I have been through this affair shit twice. Married to my first husband I did the pick me dance, cried, hell one night I fell to the floor and grabbed his feet begging him to not go out with "her" again. DIVORCED after being together 22 years......

Fast forward to husband #2----Much different situation but I thought I had picked differently. 7 years in I found out about an affair. Well, I confronted and then left...guess what? He was the one on the floor begging me to stay. Honestly, I had not found this site then but I suppose it was intuitive from my first marriage? I wanted NOTHING to do with INFIDELITY in my life ever again. We have been in a strong (weak at first though) Recovery for two plus years. It was strength of character (to myself) that has gotten me through this. Please listen to these wise posters. You sound like a solid, wonderful man and father. She is in a ridiculous, foggy state...kick her butt off the cloud. Hey you, Mrs. Tate GET OFFA MY CLOUD!

I'm so sorry, Tate. Your WW is so right, it IS her and NOT you. She is completely to blame for this affair. If she wasn't happy, she had many options to make things better and an affair ain't one of them. She didn't even have to have been unhappy. My WH wasn't unhappy, he just is a cheater and had the opportunity because his AP was available and a loose woman with low morals. Unfortunately, that is where you WW is right now. The person you thought she was, has been replaced by a lying cheater, sorry to say. What kind of person up and leaves their children to be with an AP?????? She is truly in a fantasyland where her loving H and her children are not as important as her ego kibbles and having sex with AP. Yuck.

You are in the best place here at SI for advice. Had I had SI after my first DDay, I'm pretty sure there wouldn't have been a second DDay. You need to read The Healing Library and put the 180 into action. No more Mr. Nice Guy. You will not stand by while your WW stars in her own Debbie Does Dallas video disguised as a "love story."

Stay strong. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. WW is on her own. You focus on you. Please get into IC, it will help so much. Go to your Dr. if you need help sleeping, and with your moods. If you feel suicidal, call National Prevention Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. I have been there. Twice! You are not alone in this. You have ALL of us here, who have gone through this. The feeling of being betrayed like this is so real and so painful. Just know that you will start to feel better and you will survive this. No matter if you R or D, YOU will be ok. I'm almost 7 months out from DDay #2, and I am feeling better than I ever thought I would on that day. I was literally on the ground in the bathroom sobbing. Mind movies and constant thoughts. I was spinning. I am so much better and you will be, too. Call in friends and family to help you with the kids. It can be overwhelming when you have to keep a happy face for the kids, I know.

You have been heard.

Tate

Do not play games. File and expose

Tate5252

You are in a horrible situation.

The simple fact is that the strong actions of exposure, filing for D, and the hard 180 are the likeliest to produce a WW that is capable of R.

In any event the above actions get you moving out of infidelity. A BH that takes no action almost always ends up in a worse place than one who takes strong actions.

Remember that WW is a experienced cheater, she may well have planned for this situation. You are the one playing catch-up.

Serial cheaters do not often reform, but there are several on SI who have done the hard work and completely transformed themselves.

Stay Strong.

The advice you are getting here is correct. Talk to your kids, they are the same ages as mine almost exactly and I made the mistake of not telling them when I found out in January. Big mistake and it delayed the healing process. Know this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your marriage probably was not perfect, but nothing, and I mean nothing, justifies cheating. Ever. Call your doc and get some sleep meds if you need them, drink lots of water, and make yourself go for a walk or some form of physical exercise each day--it will help your brain. Take your kids with you on the walks and you guys can sort through things together. This really sucks, but your WW is broken. This will either be a wakeup call or the beginning of the end of your marriage. Either way you won't be left twisting in the breeze. My wife of 23 years did the same sh** to me and I was completely blind sided. She lied, gas-lighted me and deceived to a level I could not have seen in a movie. Confronting this and telling your family, friends and kids is the right thing to do. Expose the cheater and you will get the healing process started. Be strong and hold your kids tight. God bless you.

[This message edited by betrayedks99 at 10:00 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]