SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have suspected for awhile my wife was cheating. Yesterday she finally admitted it. I'm so devastated. I have sobbed for two straight days. Suicide has been a thought. She said she isn't happy and it's not me it's her. I still love her more than anything. She said she may move out to have some time to think or she may just ask for a divorce. We have been together for 19 years with 3 great kids. I feel I'm loosing everything. I can't function, I'm a wreck, I don't know how I will ever get through this. Feeling destroyed and alone.

You are not alone

((((Tate))))

I'm so sorry you find yourself here; however, you will get great advice here. Think of this as an ER for infidelity, we are here to try and patch you up. Also, there's a saying here "take what you need and leave the rest". With that said there is a yellow box on the left side, Healing Library is 3rd from the bottom, please start reading there. It will give you an idea of what you are dealing with and that unfortunately, your situation is not unique. Cheaters lies and deny and it's very possible that there is more to this than you know. Weekends are a bit slow here but you have been heard, more people will be along to give you more advice. Please make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Infidelity HURTS, it's crippling, and it destroys so many lives. It's traumatic. Please if you are having suicidal thoughts call the suicide hotline. Make an appt to see your DR about getting a full panel of STD tests and maybe an AD (antidepressant) just to help you survive this nightmare. Try your best to eat and drink, even some moderate exercise to get your endorphins going. If you can't eat, grab a smoothie or a meal replacement shake. Don't drink alcohol, it will just make you more depressed and is counterproductive.

Now.....

Do you have answers to these questions?

* How long was the affair (s)?

*Is AP (s) married? If so please tell OBS (s)

* Are you absolutely sure that the Affair (s) is over?

She said she isn't happy and it's not me it's her. I still love her more than anything. She said she may move out to have some time to think or she may just ask for a divorce.

Ummmm.... This is cheater speak for the Affair not being over. She wants to test the waters with her AP. It quite possibly is not over. And if that's the case, there's nothing to save. I'd go scorched earth on her before she has a chance to take it further under ground. She doesn't get to "think" about moving out and "think" about filing for the divorce. If this is the case help her pack her shit and send her on her way. There's nothing for her to "think" about.

You love her... but that's not enough for her. Please don't be her plan B.

How old are your kids?

You are not alone. I've been part of this group for less than 24 hours and I already know that. The news is fresh for me too, just within the last few days. I go from a highly emotional wreck to a functioning robot with no emotions at all.

I don't have children but a very close friend of mine went through this last year, and she has two. They became her reason for pushing through her days and while ending it all might seem like the only option at times (I understand that too) the other people in your life need you as much as you need them right now.

Deep breath. Big hug. One day at a time.

Tate so sad you are here...as the others have said you are not alone and you will get through this....

My Dday (when I found out) was relatively recently...January, and he walked out 3 weeks later saying he needed time and space and he has been living with his AP (affair partner) ever since, so read,read,read here before you take the next steps..... I would do things very differently if i knew then what i know know and had the advice from here.

A lot of what she says will be the same as what other cheaters say....

She said she isn't happy and it's not me it's her.

I think we all got this...along with the marriage has been bad for them for a long time, and they are confused, and I love You But I am Not In Love With You speech.... look for posts with a bullseye in this forum...its a wealth of knowledge and advice.

What you do next is crucial for you....look after yourself...do what you need to do for you to function and don't forget you have 3 kids who need you too.

You will get through this, you are not alone.....this site literally kept me alive in the early days....minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. You can do this.

Tate, the responses you've gotten are excellent and spot on. We're here to help.

Are you still feeling suicidal? Please get help. You are worth more than your weight in gold! Don't let her bad choices decide the rest of your life. Don't let her win!

Do you have someone to confide in? For a lot of posters, this isn't optional. You can always post here, but it helps to have a real life shoulder. My pastor, his wife, my family, co workers and even my Dr. (Yes,I told everyone that would listen), were so very helpful that it makes my heart hurt just thinking about it right now.

When I find out about her affair, I blew that stuff up. It was my best weapon. God bless.

Tate, stay strong. Get mad. Pack her bags an put them at the door. Tell her to hit the road. Look, you can t niece her back. She is in the "Fog", an right now there is no sense in trying to reason with her. Do you know who her affair partner is? Is it a co-worker ? Is the OM married? If he is "TELL HIS WIFE NOW". Don't hesitate on this. Don't tell your WW that your going to do this. A face to face meeting with the OBS is the best way as opposed to texting or sending an e-mail. Go talk to a good family law attorney an start getting your ducks in a row. Stay strong for your kids an yourself. Your wife has no respect for you right now, shes in "LUV",with a fantasy. Knock her off the fence an an STAY STRONG. Others will be along shortly on this great sight with more great advice, rooted in their experience. Rember you are not alone.

jtom is right. Your WW is in affair fog. She's living a fantasy in her head. Do what jtom said. Stop crying and get mad. Throw her sh*t in the car and say come on I'll drop you off at his house and that's it. Cheaters leave. Kick her out.

To answer a few questions my kids are 17 almost 18, 16, and 12. Yes the affair is still happening. She said she was going out of town for work but was at a rental townhouse here locally with her AP. When I told her I knew she said I'm sorry I don't know what to say. She came home so we could talk. That's when she said she needed to figure out what she wanted. Then she said she would talk to me later and left. This was Saturday. She didn't come home and on Sunday said she'd be home Monday. I'm sure she went back to the rental with her AP. The AP is in the same profession as her but from

A different city. This is the 1st time she has admitted to an affair. However I know fir sure there has been at least one other AP, and possibly 2 others. After saying that I do still love her and hope some how we can salvage things. However after having spending a long sleepless night thinking things over this only works if she truly wants to work on it. My heart is completely shattered. I don't think I could take another round of being let down. So I've kind of built this wall. So this is hard balancing act because how do I protect myself without coming across as frigid and cold that she doesn't think I want to work things out. One more question that whole it's not you it's me thing. Isn't that a load of crap. There must be some reason I'm not good enough to be with and the other guy is. Is it because the reasons are so shallow that it's easier for her to say that? How do I overcome this feeling of not being good enough? I'm getting ready to go back into work (teacher) this morning and know doubting all my abilities even teaching. I'm worried about not being able to give my students the best experience the next few days. I'm worried work may make me take a few days off to get my mind right. I'm scared of having that time off, I want to stay busy. I made an appointment to speak with our teacher support soesvialist this morning. I'm hoping since there are 2 weeks left in the year they understand my situation and help me through the professional side of this. I've cried the last two days straight. My emotional pain has become physical pain. How long will it take until I can function? I'm afraid i will never get over this. Tonight we are supposed to talk again. However since she didn't come home and went back to her AP I'm assuming that's the answer. In the back of mind I know she's already gone. My heart keeps holding on with hope. Just hope that I can get through this. I feel broken.

You better find your strength and anger right away or you don't have a chance. Crying and begging never work. They make you look weak and pathetic and very unattractive. Seriously, start finding your anger right now. Is the AP married? If so then his BS needs to be informed right away. Affairs absolutely require secrecy and lying to thrive. The BEST thing to do, even if you think it's count-intuitive, is to expose them to the light of day. If they work together then call their company's HR. Exposure has a very good success rate. Being passive has about a 0% success rate.

Good morning, Tate.

There are a few "golden nuggets" of information that you will learn here. They won't totally erase your pain - especially in these early days - but they will go a long way to giving you the objectivity you need to get through them. And THAT, in and of itself, is an important pearl of wisdom: we are so emotionally tied to our wives that when these things happen it's very tough to step back and look at the situation objectively. Try hard. Write your thoughts down or use the posters' responses here to evaluate what is REALLY going on versus what you THINK is going on. Those two things are often quite different.

Okay, so to allay your primary fear - the fear of losing your wife to another man. Yes, we've all been there and it is a terrible thing to have in your head. Know this - the OM is typically a guy who just wants a piece of ass on the side. He's not looking for a woman to settle down with - with 3 kids! Therefore, one of the first and essential things to do is to find out who he is and tell his wife. That may take a little detective work, or not, but you MUST. Exposure does a LOT of things besides helping to kill the affair and others will be along to spell this out later - but know it's a good, positive step for you to take action.

Second, see an attorney. I know it's hard, especially when you don't want to divorce. And I know you're afraid that by doing that it might tell your wife that you're ending the marriage. But, in truth, you're not filing for divorce (at least, not yet) you're getting information to know where you stand legally. That is incredibly helpful in settling your head. Know your rights.

I know you want to save your marriage. But one of the very best things you can do right now is to never, ever, EVER beg her to stay. This is known as the "pick me" dance and it does NOT work. It makes you look weak and undermines your ability to control what is happening to you.

Instead, it is time to be strong. Let her know that she doesn't get to have an affair and home life, too. She wants to go to the OM? Then have her stuff packed in a hefty bag by the front door and tell her to leave. Then, call her parents. Call the guy's wife. Your children aren't young - maybe you let them know that mommy has decided to invite another guy into the marriage. Do not make it easy for her. Let her see what living with dreamboat will REALLY be like. From many years of experience I will tell you that snapping her back into reality may be enough to make her realize that she has her head up her ass.

So much more to say and I know that this place, full of wonderful, caring people who have been through the exact same thing, will be along to help. I'll be back as well.

Stay strong and set the rules. Do NOT, do NOT, do NOT allow her to dictate what happens. SHE is doing something awful - wrecking a loving home.

Treat her as such.

She is right. It's not you it is her. There is absolutely nothing you can do or have done to cause this. Something inside of your WW is broken. You can't fix it and until she figures out through IC or having her eyes opened, she won't change.

Be cold and frigid. Don't talk to her about anything but the kids or finances.

Does she work? Do you share finances? Cut her off of everything if you can! Don't pay for her affair. My W was a stay at home mom (SAHM), when I found out she was using our money to pay for hotel rooms, it nearly drove me batty.

Don't make it easy for her, and as gently as I can say it, don't look weak. Stand up for yourself. You aren't gonna make her leave, she's already gone. You can make her respect you though. Don't make this easy for her.

Give 'em Hell!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:21 AM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Whatever you do, don't play your hand.

Tate - I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Reading what you wrote takes me back to when I first found out about my xWW's affairs. It was the worst time of my life. And this from someone who also experienced receiving a diagnosis of autism of my oldest son when he was 2 years old. This was worse because the person who supposedly loved me purposely did this to me. With autism, it was just luck of the genetic draw.

Right now is the hardest time but believe me it will get better. I had to deal with multiple affairs as well - it sucked. But life really does go on. You've got your health. You've got your kids. You've got friends and family. And you were awfully smart to post your story here because you're going to get a lot of terrific advice.

Just take one day at a time brother. Find some time each day to compartmentalize all of this and just put it aside and focus on other things. It's best for your health and to clear your head. For me, I started running again and taking nice long walks. I continued doing yoga. Whatever it is, do what you enjoy doing and remind yourself that this is just a bump in the road. It really is.

On the advice front, I absolutely would sit the kids down at their ages and tell them what's going on. They always know a hell of a lot more than you think. They're sponges. They're going to know very soon that something is up, if they don't already.

And do not under any circumstances tell your WW about this site. This is your place to come and post and read and get advice. You'll get strategy here and support and you don't want her to know about any of this.

Good luck and hang in there. It will get better. Much better. It always does.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here. We all know your pain, you are not alone.

The very worst thing you can do is beg, to nice her back, to play the pick me dance. That is the most common mistake made by betrayed spouses.

I know it will be hard, but you have to get tough right now, today. Do NOT call her, act like she is invisible. Do NOT answer her phone calls, go totally dark and see an attorney.

I can't believe she is ditching you and the kids, shacking up all weekend with her lover leaving you at home to take care of the family while she is out sleeping with another man.

Get strong right now.

I did the pick me dance, begged, cried and she kept on cheating for months and months. Finally I found my balls and filed for divorce and she started begging to stay together, she became transparent, she told me the truth, but it was too late, too much damage was done.

I wish I could go back and find my balls on DDay 1, that may have saved my marriage.

If you to risk loosing the marriage to save it. She is already gone, she is spending her weekend away from you and the kids so she can sleep with another man. Get mad, go dark, see an attorney, that is your only hope to save the marriage if you still want it.

Sending you strength, you can do this, get mad, get busy, see an attorney, and spend your time outside work taking care of the kids. You got this, it is the only way to save the marriage or yourself. She is gone right now, deep in the affair bubble, you can't get her back right now being weak, needy, begging, crying. Stop it, get strong, go dark, act like she doesn't exist, see an attorney, and take care of your kids. You can do it Tate.

So she is a serial cheater. She throws you and the kids aside to run off and have fun with other guys, while you hold the fort down.

Who you think you still love, is not who she really is. What you are grieving is the death of the woman you thought you had.

Be careful not to apply those feelings to this newer, morally horrible version.

Stay strong and take decisive action.

So sorry that you are having to go through this! But as many people have said, we have been through it too and survived -- WELL and BETTER for it in many cases, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Many folks have already given you great advice, so I will not add to it here. One thing that I will say is that you may have an impulse to learn everything you can about what she is up to, but feel bad about prying. First of all, both sides are entirely normal, and second, please - if you want to -- find out as much as you can early. You will need it in the future to understand as you look back on what went on and to avoid the inevitable second-guessing.

If you can afford it, hire a PI to gather information. (Perhaps your attorney can suggest one?) Do you have her passwords, etc? If so, look though her accounts at emails, messages, expenditures, etc. Take pictures of everything, email yourself copies, etc, because such evidence has a way of disappearing. Please for your own protection, gather what you can now.

It is not prying, it is trying to pull back the curtain of the deception to see what has been done. (And please know that I have reconciled with my FWH and still it was necessary. In fact, he was glad that I had done it, because his mind too was selective and erased what it did not want to remember. These are emotional times and it is hard to stay grounded.)

Anyway, good luck with everything that you are dealing with. Take care and know that we are rooting for you! {{HUGS}}

What ramius said was correct.

Nothing you did or didnt do caused her to cheat. She is showing you she is a woman with low morals who is thinking about herself.

She actually sounds similar to my exWW. Sounds like she is either full of shit about "figuring out what she wants" or perhaps she is trying to let you down easy. It doesnt really work.

Right now you are thinkimg about saving your marriage and protecting your kids. The problem is you are the only one in the marriage that is trying and your WW is sabotaging it.

For yohr sake you need to protect yourself and your kids. You WW is looking after herself so let her do that without you.

What have you told your children about where Mom is? Do yourself and them a favor and don't lie for her. Tell them exactly what is happening. Your kids are old enough to hear this and you shouldn't be a part of covering up what your wife is doing. You don't have to embellish it or call her names. The truth is bad enough but I would tell them.

I would also find out if the OM has a wife and tell her. Don't tell your wife you are going to do it either just do it. It is the right thing to do and it helps to make this whole thing real for the two of them. You might think that it will just drive them together because it might break up his marriage but look at a bunch of stories on this site and you'll see it has the opposite effect almost always. Many stories here in fact start with people resisting telling the OBS and once they finally do they all say that it was the best thing they could have done and that they wish they had done it sooner.