SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, let me start by saying what a life-preserver SI has been to me. It’s an incredible resource and I’m so grateful to have found it. Also --sorry if this should go under the LTA thread. I wasn't sure where to post! Now here’s my story:

Ten years ago my wife began an EA with an ex-collegue. On and off for years they would email, sext, and “occasionally” meet (her words). When they she says it was always in his office and mostly wrestling/groping (his fetish) with some kissing. Then they would break it off for a while, then resume.

At no point did she come to me with any of this, needless to say. We had started a new family and were pretty excited to be raising two wonderful boys. She knew it was wrong, but somehow rationalized it.

She was working on her PhD thesis throughout all of this. Over those ten years I supported us financially and gradually took over much of the childcare. I put my personal dreams on hold so she could finish, and was happy to help her achieve her goal. We were always close, communicative, affectionate and smugly functional. I thought we had a ‘little oasis’ together.

Nine months ago (? still slippery timeline) she reconnected with the OM. They resumed emailing and meeting and sometime 5 months ago it escalated to another level. Getting naked and everything except penetration due to the OM’s impotence.

That last fact seems convenient, but I actually believe it. He’s at least 10+ years older than me. His explicit emails to her never mentioned any penetration. They were preoccupied with being submissive, wrestled etc.

So here we are, not quite two weeks in from D-day. I found out about the PA by stumbling on her emails. Can’t unsee that! And a week later I discovered the EA.

It's been nothing but TT and I feel absolutely ragged. Last week (before I discovered the EA) I thought we had a chance. Now I’m so doubtful. Despairing, confused, hurt, raging --you all know the drill.

I still want MC. I’m doing damage control and don’t want my boys living through a messy breakup. If we end up divorced, it’s a big priority for us to somehow get beyond this.

My main question is does anyone thing reconciliation is possible? I’m quite a compassionate person. I see a path where I simply accept what happened, lay down some deal breakers, and work through therapy back towards our previous (v. good) marriage. But right now I can’t imagine ever moving beyond this. The level and duration of deception feels just too big. Does reconciliation ever happen in LTA's like this?

Second question: how will I know she’s on the same page as me? She appears distraught, sure. But she continues to TT, minimize her actions (“We didn’t meet that often!” is a gem ), and is not fully transparent. We barely have NC and I strongly doubt her ability to maintain it. She’s isolated, largely friendless, and has nobody but me and OM to talk with this about.

Where should we go from here?

When will I start to feel safe?

BS - age 46

WS - age 48

2 children

married since 2003

LTA 2007-2017

D-day - May 1, 2016

status - scared

Hugo,

I hear you. I'm so sorry your WW has betrayed you like this, for so long! My XWH also had LTA, and it caused me to question our entire M history. All infidelity is excruciating.

I can't tell you to R or D. Only you can make that decision. My XWH also minimized, rug swept, and lied. He continued to protect OW and himself. For me, that was the deal breaker. It does sound like your WW is doing the same.

The impotence story is oh so common. I'm not buying it. But even if it's true, does it really matter? Does it mean she cheated less? No, it doesn't.

If OM is M, the first thing to do is to tell his wife, immediately. It's the best way to stop the A from going further underground.

Wishing you peace. Please take care of yourself and stay healthy.

Keep reading.

First, is the ex-collegue married? If so expose it to his wife. That is the usually the quickest way to blow it all up and help with the NC.

They have developed a longterm relationship that needs to be broken.

If you ever get a real answer as to the "why" be sure at let the rest of us know, because we all have that question that never gets answered, but it would be nice to see if she would actually formulate an answer.

The wrestling part is a new one, what can you say about that!

Are you saying this guy was a professor or instructor? If so, you could certainly use that as leverage. Completely improper and it could cost him dearly.

Being compassionate is a great quality, but turn it off for dealing with a cheater like your wife. There is a strong addictive aspect of the affair, and tough love is needed. So compassion is a huge disadvantage in saving your marriage.

Your wife was willing to risk it, roll the dice, so she has considered and absorbed possibly leaving you. For you to be biased, or pre-disposed, to saving your marriage also is a huge disadvantage of saving your marriage. That is obvious already, she is running roughshod over you.

Here she is, caught cheating, and she has the balls to continue lying and dragging feet. Giving lip service, talk is cheap. And here you are, worried and wondering how can you help her be honest. Thing is, if you can't raise the stakes and be all in, and willing to walk away, she will beat you. Cheaters frequently are more bold and more decisive, willing to risk and lose it all, and lie and cheat to do it, so frequently the betrayed spouses get the short end of the stick, and live in a perpetual limbo of "hope for a better day, hope for a day my cheater will be nice again."

You can read it here on every page, practically every thread. But they keep on coming, like my cheater is not like those other cheaters.

When a junkie is addicted for 10 years, rarely does the junkie quit the habit. The recidivism is near 100% I think. So be realistic, you've got a 10-year junkie who still is holding onto her stash. It's a long shot, at best.

They call it, "being willing to lose the marriage in order to save it." And few do it, so they flounder a long time and eventually quit. Which might only be the difference between floundering only a short time before quitting. But it also might be she will go cold turkey and turn around with tough love.

Every cheater who drags feet who finally comes full clean and remorseful, it happened because the betrayed finally put their foot down and said "enough!" and really meant it, and the cheater realized it. Really, I can't think of a single one. But unfortunately, I have seen betrayeds who, it took so long to put their foot down, no longer wanted to stay in the marriage.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:52 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

The OM is married, and I've thought of contacting his wife. I would *love* for his life to be as ruined as mine.

The only thing holding me back is compassion for the spouse. If I could prevent her from feeling what I'm feeling. I have very little control of how wide a crater this A will cause.

The OM is married, and I've thought of contacting his wife. I would *love* for his life to be as ruined as mine.

The only thing holding me back is compassion for the spouse. If I could prevent her from feeling what I'm feeling. I have very little control of how wide a crater this A will cause.

The OBS NEEDS to know. I have read here that if the OBS knows then there are more eyes on the cheaters.

Thanks for the quick responses. The support is wonderful!

wk55hn: I'm fully prepared to walk away. I'd put the odds of that happening at around 98%, regardless of MC, her behaviour or intentions.

I will put any feelings of compassion away, promptly. I can see how they're dangerous right now.

Everything's so fresh, however, I find it hard to navigate, let alone work, take care of kids, function etc.

The single most effective way to end the affair is to tell the affair partner's spouse.

Would you prefer if right now you never found out about this and you just continued your marriage as the lie that is was? Would you really want that?

If not then why do you not think this woman would not feel the same way? Be the decent person in this whole sordid mess and tell her. She deserves to know that she is living a lie.

Sorry you find yourself here H.

The best way to end this is to let the other spouse know what is going on. I would find a way to contact her and this will also allow you to know if the impotence line is true or not.

If you are not going to pursue recovery, I would go straight to the lawyers office and file for divorce. I would not let the other spouse know until after the divorce is final.

You are in a great position to negotiate while they are regretting what they did.

Quick action will give you the best outcome.

best of luck to you.

If you have real compassion for OM's spouse then you should tell her the truth. Now that you know, if you don't, you make yourself an accomplice to her betrayal.

If you think you might R schedule a poly. It sounds far-fetched to me. I'm not buying it. If D is on the table, lawyer up and then decide what to do based on what lawyer tells you.

Update: I tried the spouse at home, but no answer :(

I'll continue til I get a hold of her.

Update: I tried the spouse at home, but no answer :(

I'll continue til I get a hold of her.

Good man. It's important to keep your integrity intact throughout a sh*tstorm like this. You're doing the right thing.

Ask her to write a timeline, even give her written questions from you for her to write down and answer, then ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph. The questions to ask should include what other affairs she's had.

To reconcile, you have to trust again. If she continues lying, there will be no trust. So it's important to pin her down on the truth and come clean. Polygraph is not perfect but that's your best option.

Ask her to get tested for STDs.

Ask her to test the kids for DNA. (This gives a message of how serious you feel).

Ask her to write a letter to the other man to end all contact. No fond farewells, short and sweet, no more contact or she'll consider it's harassment. Get an attorney to write it if you want it more effective. And let the other spouse get a copy.

Me, personally, I'd call the guy's employer and tell them about his "only wrestling with no sex only due to ED" activities in his office with your wife. Then call him and tell him not to make you do anything else, because you are a compassionate man.

Ask her to change her phone number, block social media, etc.

Tell her this is all up to her, either she wants this marriage or not, no outside boyfriends allowed, and you are not her daddy and you are not her warden, if she doesn't want to stay in the marriage, then stop faking and wasting your time. The things you ask are to see actions, to make amends, to right the wrongs she has done, to help you to believe she truly loves you and not him.

Truth is, either of you could leave for any reason or no reason. This is a voluntary marriage, if she needs another boyfriend, then she married the wrong guy.

Does reconciliation ever happen in LTA's like this?

Yes. Your wife, however, has to want to reconcile. Does she? An affair of this length suggests that she wants the OM too. You need her to make a firm decision and quickly.

Also, both of you wanting to reconcile does not mean that you will be successful. But, the desire to succeed is a prerequisite.

I kind of few marriage reconciliation like home construction. Yes, literally EVERYTHING can be fixed. You have to ask whether you want to fix it and if you are willing to pay the cost, but yes you can fix it. You can also sell the house and go buy a different one.

Second question: how will I know she’s on the same page as me?

This is the $1 million question. You don't. The best answer that I have is to ignore her words and pay attention to her actions. People can very easily lie and they can behave for a short period of time. But, over the long term, her 'true intentions' will come out.

She appears distraught, sure. But she continues to TT, minimize her actions (“We didn’t meet that often!” is a gem ), and is not fully transparent. We barely have NC and I strongly doubt her ability to maintain it. She’s isolated, largely friendless, and has nobody but me and OM to talk with this about.

These are all out of the cheater's handbook. If I am guessing correctly, her biggest lie right now is to herself. She thinks that she is lying to protect you, but she is actually lying to protect herself.

My guess is that penetration has happened but I don't know if it matters to you (i.e., you seem to grasp that naked wrestling is a PA that is as bad as full-on penetration). My guess is that you only know a small fraction of what has happened right now. My guess is that you will have a post in 2-4 weeks that begins with "you guys were right." Sorry to be so cynical, but I've seen this all too many times before (including from my wife!).

Where should we go from here?

The standard advice is to focus on your health right now. Eat and get in fluids as best as you can. Exercise regularly. Try to sleep.

I also recommend that you go see a doctor. You definitely need to get tested for STDs. If you are having issues with sleeping, depression, anxiety... these are all common and should be discussed with a doctor.

I recommend that you see a lawyer too. As a minimum, you need to get familiar with the laws for divorce in your state/country.

When will I start to feel safe?

Never?

I think that my marriage is reconciling exceptionally well, all things considered (caveat: I am genuinely worried that I am in false R because it is going so well). I still double check her every now and then.

MY FINAL PIECE OF ADVICE IS TO KEEP COMING TO THIS WEBSITE. We sometimes will tell you the things that you don't want to hear. But, we have your back at ALL TIMES. We can help you through just about any infidelity-related issue, ranging from PTSD to divorce to book recommendations.

I particularly recommend that you pay close attention to the folks who have more than 1000 posts (except me, perhaps). Not that people with fewer than that can't have great advice or people with that many always give good advice, but people with 1000+ posts have been here awhile. That means that, in addition to their own marriage infidelity issues, they have seen a bunch of other scenarios.

I particularly recommend that you pay close attention to the folks who have more than 1000 posts (except me, perhaps).

Ask her to write a timeline, even give her written questions from you for her to write down and answer, then ask her if she would be willing to take a polygraph. The questions to ask should include what other affairs she's had.

To reconcile, you have to trust again. If she continues lying, there will be no trust. So it's important to pin her down on the truth and come clean. Polygraph is not perfect but that's your best option.

Ask her to get tested for STDs.

Ask her to test the kids for DNA. (This gives a message of how serious you feel).

Ask her to write a letter to the other man to end all contact. No fond farewells, short and sweet, no more contact or she'll consider it's harassment. Get an attorney to write it if you want it more effective. And let the other spouse get a copy.

This is a very strong hint of who I think that you should listen to...

My exWH was also involved in a LTA. I just wanted to reach out and let you know the similarities. Every time I felt uncomfortable with their friendship, or, I would stumble upon things that I felt were inappropriate he would lie to continue his affair. He knew just what to say to throw me off and to make me feel like I was silly for asking.

Like you, I supported my exWH throughout that entire time. Mine traveled for work, yours worked on her PhD. Perfect cover.

At this point, you need to focus inward instead of focusing on reconciliation. It's a natural response to want to reconcile. Some couples can reconcile. However, you need to work on focus on you. Your world has been blown up. My advice is to not go into MC at this point. Go to individualized counseling to work through your feelings.

In the meantime, put the MC on hold. Watch her actions. You will know in time if you are able to reconcile. If she is willing to be a safe spouse, you will know by watching her actions. Keep posting.

When a junkie is addicted for 10 years, rarely does the junkie quit the habit. The recidivism is near 100% I think. So be realistic, you've got a 10-year junkie who still is holding onto her stash. It's a long shot, at best.

They call it, "being willing to lose the marriage in order to save it." And few do it, so they flounder a long time and eventually quit. Which might only be the difference between floundering only a short time before quitting. But it also might be she will go cold turkey and turn around with tough love.

Every cheater who drags feet who finally comes full clean and remorseful, it happened because the betrayed finally put their foot down and said "enough!" and really meant it, and the cheater realized it. Really, I can't think of a single one. But unfortunately, I have seen betrayeds who, it took so long to put their foot down, no longer wanted to stay in the marriage.

This is excellent advice. LTA's have been justified by the WS for so long that they are:

1. very skilled liars

2. more adept at bringing the affair underground

Focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you.

[This message edited by CornflakeGirl at 1:47 PM, May 10th (Wednesday)]

I'm going to get tested for STDs tomorrow. I'll also make a Dr appointment re: sleeping, depression etc.

Drinking water! No kidding. Who knew that shock would be so dehydrating :)

She sent him a letter and I read it. I'm just doubtful it'll stick given the duration of the EA. She's given me access to her phone, email etc. but this is never 100%. Once I contact the spouse I'll feel a little more confident it'll stick.

Re: her intentions. It's almost impossible for me to tell right now. I certainly don't believe her words.

Re: penetration. Honestly, I don't care. It doesn't make it any easier to take, and I still need the STD test. I'm not sure how relevant it is to anything.

hugo... it sounds like you are doing "great". I put that in quotes because I am sure that you are doing horrible, but handling it about as well as you possibly can.

It's not like poker where you can simply fold a shitty hand and play the next one.