SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D-day +7 Last week I pulled out my WW laptop to do some work from home. We have been Married almost 10 years with two children, 10 months and 3. Her emails is also her home page. There was an email from the OM professing his love and asking ww if she has seen the new pictures on the Google drive. I wish I never opened that drive. The new pictures were of the OM playing with him self. The folder was full of selfies of the two of them pictures of om'S kids and our kids, many of the OM nude and a dirty packing list for a trip he wanted ww to go on.

There was also a movie of my oldest son, now 3, opening gifts from the OM. I wasn't able to breathe I had completely trust ww and had no waring signs that I reconized before this. In fact before this, I believed the last 2 years were the best of our marriage.

My WW came home after her volunteer work and I confronted her. She started crying and apologizing immediately. Ww told me the affair started 2 1/2 years ago just after our first son was born and stopped after about 9 months when OM wife had caught them. It restarted about 6 moths ago when the OM had contacted WW again. The OM is an ex bf.

Over the next week my WW told me everything I asked about and has told me she is willing to do anything to fix us. She has told when and where they met and how they comunicated. And let me read all of the past email as well as the most recent string, after being caught, where she tells him it is over and OM says he will no stop trying to contact WW.

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I want to work everything out, both becuase of our children and I truly have strong feelings for WW. WW tells me she does aS well. I cant sleep and have cried more then I have ever before. Even though ww tells me she was selfish, weak and sorry I can't help to think that they have been all ready broken up once by OM wife and she still allowed it to start again. I don't think trust will come back as before but I am hoping understanding and respect will. I have been wanting to just yell and scream at ww but I cant. It just does not come out. I feel perilized with fear, shock and so many good memories have been tainted

[This message edited by Aabbccdd at 9:29 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I can only sit here and send you love - my heart has been freshly broken in two aswell. Where there are kids involved it makes things so much harder to swallow

Just letting you know you aren't alone x

Would she have stopped if she hadn't gotten caught? No, she wouldn't have. You are her security blanket, that's it. She knew cheating could result in a divorce if found out. Yet she did it anyway. That is called choosing the other guy over you. And she did just that, many, many times.

Now ask yourself if that's who you want for a wife. Is that the kind of woman your deserve to be with?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:10 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I am so sorry you are going through this heartbreaking experience. Betrayal is one of the hardest events to overcome in a relationship. One question that i have to ask, "is there any doubt about who's the father of either of your kids"?

In your original post, there was a key missing letter, did you say that the other man will "not" or "now" strop trying to contact your WW?

I am sorry you are here. Infidelity is a swift kick in the nuts. Being an exbf complicates things a bit. Especially in light of your kids opening up gifts from the OM. It's too early to hold out the gift of R. What is your wife doing to to change? Being sorry is one thing, being remorseful is something else.

One thing to think about is the OMs statement of not stop from trying to contact your wife. I would recommend your wife send out a No Contact email that you both agree on and block him on emails, phone numbers and any social media. I would also notify his wife . Don't tell your wife first.

I would also ask for full honesty and transparency on all aspects of her life and if he tries to contact her again that she inform you right away. It may be time to get law enforcement involved at that point. Good luck and keep posting.

The best thing you can do first is tell the other man's wife.

Who else covered the affair?

I read all of the messages between my wife and other man. It was juvenile stuff, not like adults, more like two sophomores in high school, or even younger, except for the raunchiness of it all.

Over a month or two after I found out, I matched up the dates and times in the messages to the dates and times in my family's lives. What I realized was that during the affair, the affair was the main event. I (and the kids) were what I refer to as "white noise," just in the background, but the main worries or concerns of my wife were about when and how to communicate with the other man. My wife was there where we were, physically, but mentally she was mostly thinking of other things. Based on what I've seen, that is the norm.

I know your wife must sound very convincing, but I suggest you take her sincerity with a very tiny grain of salt. She is in the emergency room still, just trying to survive the trauma and stabilizing the marriage. After seven days, most likely she has contacted with the other man at least once. In any event, you know for a fact that this affair has staying problem, and a seven-day hiatus is meaningless.

By the way, don't take my word on anything, you can read the threads here and corroborate how typical affairs like yours are, and how much all the same the lying and coverups and fake sincerity occurs. Start with the pages in the back because those threads have more situations that resolved.

Try to discount her words and pay attention to her actions. Talk is cheap, but the actions are tougher to hide. Ask her to be willing to take a polygraph at some point, and let her know you will include in it the last contact with the other man. The affairs have some similarities to addictive behaviors. Usually there is a relapse of re-contacting. The affairs have zero negative words, it's all just compliments and how hot you are and how much I love you. Your normal life includes some conflicts and disagreements on kids or finances or chores or where to spend time, but the affair has nothing of that. So the cheaters like to go back there where everything is sunny and nice.

I don't know a nice way to ask this, but your wife's affairs are fairly close to your children's births. And other man was involved with gifts with your children in person, which is not a frequent occurrence in affairs. Have you considered that the dates your wife has given you are accurate. The top lies in affairs are (1) no sex, only once, only twice; and (2) when the affair started and ended. It is extremely common for a cheater to say "the affair started about 6 months ago" and it is mid-April and when you finally get some evidence you find out the affair started last June. Apparently many cheaters are mathematically challenged ("it happened only once" but it turns out to be more times than they could count; or it started "about six months ago" but it actually was 10-11 months).

OM says he will no stop trying to contact WW.

If that means the OM says he plans to keep contacting your wife, I suggest getting an attorney to write a letter stating that your wife wants no more contact from other man and that any contact will be considered harassment and will be pursued to the extent the law allows. You can do that without an attorney and you can file the police if the other man contacts her after she wished him to stop, but I think it carries more weight if it comes from an attorney.

Also send a copy to the other man's wife.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 10:39 AM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I want to work everything out

It's OK and that's your feelings, but know that your wife didn't just magically love other man one day and now no longer cares or even despises him the next day. She is just trying to say what she needs to say and do to stabilize the marriage. It is likely she never wanted to leave the marriage, she just wanted to have BOTH you and him. She could have left if she wanted, but she chose for (3?) years to keep you both.

She had a three-year affair through two kids being born, a huge part of your life as a family, and it was going strong until you found out. She was in fact even ramping it up with a special getaway with special toys with other man.

What you should do is take a while, a few months, and just let your wife do what you ask her to do. Refrain from what you've asked her to refrain, and her to do what you've asked her to do. Over time, let her earn your trust of her by her actions. She should be doing the things to fix this, not you. Many times here you'll read the betrayed spouse is reading all about infidelity and how to fix it and reconcile, post on forums like this, and the cheaters do and read ... nothing. The betrayed have to ask them to do it, then beg them to do it, then nag them to do it. No, that is the wrong way to reconcile. If she doesn't want to read and and learn how to help you feel better and reconcile, then let her go. Ask her once to tell her what you would like her to do, then see if she loves you enough to do it.

Did she use protection with him? Did she get tested for STDs?

(Aabbccdd) I hate seeing you here, I hate seeing anyone new here. But this is the very best place for you at this time. You will get so much good advice from people who have been through the same thing and who are riding the same roller coaster from hell. So, welcome to our nightmare. The only advice I can give you is if I were you: DNA tests. Now. Then if everything checks out you can plan where to go from here. But remember, Cheaters Lie. Your WW is not different. Shes not special, she's a cheater and you know she lies to your face. DNA tests, now. Sorry.

The kneejerk reaction of most newly betrayed spouses, particularly when there are children involved, is to try to save the marriage at all costs. There's a couple of problems with that though.

You have had NO TIME to process your emotions yet. You might get a couple of months down the road and decide this was a deal-breaker for you. It's a deal-breaker for quite a number of people actually.

There's been no time either to observe whether your WS is truly remorseful. Most of the time, what we see initially is regret. They're sorry they got caught. Usually, the affair is minimized and the truth "trickles" out bit by bit, often based only on what you can prove. There's typically a lot of blame-shifting going on in this stage as well as if it were your fault that she decided to cheat. Be prepared for copious amounts of crocodile tears.

The urge to do "the pick me dance" is so strong when you're in the Just Found Out stage. But if you do, she won't respect you and worse, you won't respect yourself after you've done it. This is the stage at which it's better to risk the end of the marriage and take your power back than to beggar yourself emotionally. There are worse things in life than getting a divorce. And should that happen, you can still be a great dad to your children and in time, find a more loyal mate.

First things first... self-care is critical. Eat right, hydrate, exercise, sleep when you can, and no alcohol. That's important, because alcohol is not only a depressant, but it has a nasty anxiety rebound the next day.

Second, see your doctor for STD testing and any medicinal relief you might need for sleeping and anxiety.

Third, see an attorney. Find out what your rights and obligations are in a divorce.

Fourth... inform the OM's wife. Like everyone else has told you, don't let your WW know you're doing this. If the OBS (other betrayed spouse) had told you back when she found out, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd either be divorced or reconciled. This is an understandable mistake, because sometime betrayed spouses worry that if the AP gets kicked out, they'll lose their WS, and they just want to hold on to the marriage so badly. Still, it's a mistake to cover their dirt for them because as you can see, they went right back to it.

I'll be honest with you, if it were me, I'd probably DNA test my kids and file on her. You wouldn't have to spend more than a couple hours reading in an OW forum to see how little regard a WW who has cheated for this long has for her betrayed husband. Filing will produce one of two results, either she'll pull her head out of her ass at lightning speed or you'll be free to move on to better things in life.

My fWH's last AP thought she was going to leave her BH and marry him. That would've been a financial step up for her, hence her interest. Turns out though, that when I immediately requested a divorce, my husband didn't want it AT ALL. He's moved heaven and earth since then to prove it. Meanwhile, the OW's husband gave her her walking papers, he's still a great dad, and he replaced her dumb ass inside of six months. She had actually told my fWH that if he didn't come through divorcing me that she'd have no choice but to work it out with her BH. I expect she was pretty surprised that he wasn't the patsy she thought him to be.

Take EXCELLENT care of yourself and your kids. Keep a cool head and an even temper. But don't commit yourself to taking her back until you've had time to process your feelings a little more.

ETA: If your WW is only doing volunteer work and doesn't have a paying job... get some day care lined up and send her to work. It will put you in a better financial situation in any potential divorce settlement and frankly... she's got too much time on her hands. Like my Grannie used to say, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop".

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:00 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

I know the children our mine due to the need for IVF for us to have children. My wife also never empties her trash in her email so I was able to see the first break up and second recontact and the timing works out. Unforently I also saw the the full passion and puppy love they had or have. Including sexting while we were on a vaction.

Yeah, believe me, I know how painful that is. I saw it all too.. including homemade porn videos. It's traumatic. And the brain needs TIME to process the trauma.

You might consider getting some IC (Individual Counseling to help with that. It's particularly good if your counselor is qualified in EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). I don't think it's understood why it works, but it can help to calm the amygdala (the emotional brain). It doesn't cause you to forget what you saw, but it helps you take a step back from it emotionally.

That whole sophomoric "high school romance" type of language is fairly typical to most affairs. It's part of the biochemical reaction of limerence. That said, most experts agree the "old flame affair" is particularly noisome in terms of getting real and lasting NC, so be aware of that.

WW doesn't actually have idle hands. We have a very unusal work situation. We both work for our family buissness and share an office, very close quarters. Over half of the employees are family Our youngest comes to work with us as did our oldest and will continue to untIL we have to worry about access to the inventory. The cheating happen early in the morning when I thought she was going to the gym as well as some other times.

The OM said he would not stop try to contact ww. WW blocked him on all know channels and is allowing me access. At this point ww seems to be serroius about us but I am still scared as h*** what tomorrow will bring. I thought i knew my ww. And I can see a long road to the new normal what ever that may be. It is really hard for me this is just step 1 of x.

I am very sorry that you are here and what you just went through. Some of the things you mention are so similar to my case during my d-day. You are, however, at the right place and you will get a lot of advice here from people who have been where you are one way or another. You can sift through these advises and manage your own way of handling the situation. By situation, I mean your emotions and your pain, there is not much you can do about your wife as it is her who needs to work on herself and her issues. You are at the beginning of a long journey but know that you can take this as an opportunity to rediscover yourself, your inner strength and how things should be in a healthy relationship. I do not know if you will decide to stay with your wife in the future or you will want a fresh start, believe people here when they say you will come out stronger on the other side of the tunnel. Keep posting and keep us updated, it does provide some relief to some extent. Like others, I am wishing you strength and patience during this difficult time you are enduring.

This is why you always always expose. Had her boyfriend's wife let you know there is 1. No way it would have restarted and 2. You would have saved a year of your life.

Also , speak with a lawyer about a restraining order . (Also to protect you from your wife, but the first step is protecting your existing family.

Also has your wife warned him that you will be contacting his wife?

Honestly I still haven't decided if I should tell. Part of me want to then part of me doesn't. I can see both sides of the coin. While OM was the one to temp my ww away and he is scum for doing this to his family twice, my ww was the one to go. As funny as it sounds I don't hold any contemp for him because he only matters to me if my ww is still involved with om and if that is the case then I would have to let go and I don't want a relationship based on lack of access. I want one where we process what happened and we are both willing to work to a new normal. I know I will never fully trust ww again.

Then again the other half of me would love to remove the option.

She already had her out and she went back in. Everything she's telling you right now about how sorry she is are lies and her way of doing damage control. Don't fall for it. Far too many do. Your marriage was a lie. The sooner you accept that the sooner you can begin to heal. My advice? File for divorce and save your self-respect.

She is going to have to do a lot to back in your favour. She should be willing to get a restraining order against this guy. She should phone his wife and tell her family. This is what she SHOULD be like. If she is not then think twice!

Personally, I think she sounds like a liability. You have to ask if you want to be her gaurd dog. It's such a demeaning role to play. Will you ever know what she really thinks?

[This message edited by Smillie at 3:25 PM, April 16th (Sunday)]

You're not right in the head yet. Finding out messes a lot of people up like that. Go tell the other man's wife because it's the right thing to do and because it is by far the single most effective action to end the affair. You are posting here because you want to save your marriage.

Ask your wife to send the no contact letter. If he wants to contact her, he will. She can't block him from everything. I can make up accounts all day long. I can even go and show up where she's going to be. He knows more about where she goes and when than you do. The no contact letter is one of several things I would call a temperature taker. It's not effective in and of itself, but you get to see if your wife means business or not and you have evidence to nail other man if he starts contacting. IF she is truly wanting you and your marriage and family. If not, better to know now.

Do the simple things you can see to end the affair. You can decide later if you want to actually reconcile.