SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are in love with the woman you thought she was. That woman is a fantasy. The reality is that your wife is a cheating, lying person who chose another man over you and your marriage and if the father of the child was not black you would never have known of the affair and she would have happily let you raise another man's child as your own. While probably happily continuing the affair.

If you stay with her what will you say when the real father shows up on your door step looking for his child and wanting to be a part of that child's life? Do you say no way? Can you imagine watching him and your wife playing with THEIR child?

Do yourself a favor. Divorce now and cut all ties.

If you stay you will be care-taking 6 non-blood relatives. If your relationship fails in the future you will very probably be alone. It is too big a risk for you to stay in my opinion. I think you should leave.

Get out. File for divorce ASAP. Even if you want to try R, you should do so free from any legal shackles.

We prepare for every eventuality. We have first aid kits, spare tires, tools, spare cans of gas. There is no way to prepare for the 2 ton mega bomb that was dropped on you. Keep following the advice on here, maybe you'll get a clearer picture down the road. Hang in there brother.

'I don't know what the f I'm doing.'

I don't think that anybody in your shoes would. You're a trailblazer in this, man. That's gotta come with alot of questions and anxiety.

And I don't know that I have any answers for ya, but I'll listen...er...read. You aren't alone.

The circumstances might be different, but the pain is the same.

What's eating at you the most right now?

You've had a month to processs and are still lost. How do you think you will feel when the baby serves as an indelible, constant reminder of what she did. Why put yourself through that? Why suffer for the responsibility of raising five children that are not yours? Why not just move on and find someone who puts you first?

Your good nature has been, and will continue to be, abused in my opinion. Do you not see a future scenario where you are left at home looking after this other mans baby, while she is out having sex with someone else? Allowing that scenario to become a reality is just so disrespectful to yourself, it boggles the mind!!!!!

If you just accept your current circumstances, and don't take control of YOUR life by living it on your terms, you will look back at some point and recognise that the one life you had was selfishly controlled by someone who abused you. You're failing to see it, but that is what she is doing to you. From her point of view, if you just accept things as they are, she will assume you will accept just about anything. More relationships, possibly more children will follow.

We all need time to process the impact of infidelity. In your case your time is limited. You need to act. Please don't surrender the one life you have to the selfishness of someone who disrespects you. You have other options. Exercise them.

One last point. For me, taking action was the cure to addressing the pain. As you start to take control, as you move forward, your strength and resolve will grow. If certain actions seem difficult, or you feel unsure about what to do next, use this forum as a sounding board. By now, you should already have a sense of whose advise makes most sense to you. Let those people help you. But ultimately, no one else can resolve this situation for you, only YOU can do that.

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

You're married 6 years, together 8, with four of her kids.

She cheated because you didn't give her enough attention (SHE RATIONALIZES) - this is the number one (I think) cheating wives claim they had an affair. It probably happens at least once a week here, maybe more. It also is very common for the betrayeds (maybe most people, in general) believe that their behavior can affect other people's behavior (if I do this, then they will do that). This is largely a falsehood with significant actions.

This is how it REALLY happens in a case like yours. The marriage reached a point where it became routine and boring. You still had regular sex, but you have day-to-day mundane interactions. Most of your interactions with your wife have become mundane interactions. Laundry, kid activities, work, extended family obligations, car repairs, finances, kids' grades, kids' sports events, etc. - this is most of the stuff you talk about.

When all the kids are in bed, you have a few minutes, maybe way less than an hour or less, to spend some time together. Maybe you have sex, then go to bed, and start it all up again the next day. AND YOU BOTH ARE HAPPY ENOUGH WITH THIS. NEITHER OF YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT because you are happy enough about this. This is "NORMAL," this is the same stuff you saw in your own family growing up, this is the same stuff you saw your friends' family growing up, this is the same stuff you see with other parents in your kids' school, your siblings, your cousins, etc. I call this "LIVING THE DREAM." Kids are healthy and well adjusted, you and wife are healthy, no major continuing arguments, no drama.

Then, one day, your wife steps over the line with a co-worker or ex-boyfriend or acquaintance. Maybe your wife mentions something you didn't do ("how are you today?" "I'm tired, I had to discipline the kids, my husband let's them run rampant.") or maybe the other man makes an over-the-line comment (your wife is slow walking up the stairs and says "I'm sorry I'm slow" and co-worker says "I don't mind, I like the view" and your wife smiles and likes it.) This is how it starts. Then either or both of them escalate it. Within a few weeks or a few months it escalates to open ("you're so hot, if I could get you I'd do this, that, and the other thing," and "I love the way you do this or that").

Then the sex, then the I love you's between them, maybe to the betrayed spouse the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you." At some point, the cheater has rationalized "this other man desires me, loves me, and is all over me all the time about it, my husband only cares about paying the bills, if my husband showed me the proper attention then I wouldn't cheat, but I deserve this, my husband doesn't love me that way anyway, he won't even care, or any number of rationalizations. NOW the cheater is unhappy in the marriage only after the cheating had begun.

Then you find out. In this case, you found out ONLY because she had a Scarlet A in her uterus. She had a child with a different race, so this WAS going to come out sooner or later. She had decided to keep the baby, so you had to be told. If that had not happened, she may have continued the affair indefinitely until you caught her some other way. SHE DID NOT CONFESS. She had no other choice.

So you find out, she blames you for lack of attention, and you believe it, and you know where you are now and how that all played out. The truth of the matter is that the affair is an escape from reality, and there is no way a real marriage can compare with a fantasy affair. The real marriage has chores and kids and finances and problems, while the fantasy affair has only I love you's and you're so hot and sex. If the fantasy affair became a real relationship, it eventually would turn into another long-term boring marriage.

Cheating is a human behavior, and as such, it is very predictable. The behaviors are within very limited ranges, and your wife is a cliche. The only somewhat unusual twist is the pregnancy with a race from a different affair partner (consider that if the affair partner was the same race as you, you would never know; the only reason you know is because your wife could not lie).

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

So this quote, what she told you - this is the mindset of someone who will cheat again. You must give proper attention, or she will cheat - that is her assertion. Also, the next other man, like the last one, will give full nearly 24/7 texting/sexting focus on ONLY romantic/sexual attention and you still will be needing to, as you say, "LIFE MUST GO ON" - work, chores, finances, kids' activities - so you cannot compare against the future other men who will inevitably blow some smoke up your wife's ass.

My only advice to you is to understand what is going on, what has happened with others in the past in your situation, and that you and your wife are not different in that respect.

Your wife is not a safe partner to remain monogamous in the future. Not at this time.

You have left out much details, but I would be curious what happened with the biological father(s)(?) of your kids. What happened with your wife's past romantic relationships? And yours? I believe if we do not focus on change, we tend to continue the same behaviors, the same patterns.

The main signs you would have noticed during her affair would be secrecy with her phone, and cold and distant toward you, and everything you do or say she is annoyed. She maybe had special lingerie, different grooming, dressed sexier, exercised more, lost weight, less interest in sex with you, or more interest in sex with you.

Who is the other man and why do you think the affair has ended? Why do you think it will not start back up again? Will the biological father support the child financially? Will he be involved in parenting the child?

One of the main things said here of how to reconcile a marriage after an affair, is that the cheater goes "no contact" with the affair partner. Just a coincidence, the pregnancy, this makes the "no contact" impossible. Legally impossible, unless the other man voluntarily never wants to meet his child.

Have you come up with a plan? Any number of factors that could let you decide one way or the other?

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

Goddammit. Every time I hear this come out of a wayward's mouth I want to SCREAM. This is HORSESHIT. This is called blameshifting - she is trying to put the onus on you for her cheating. This is a big fat no, stop, do not pass go.

If she was so starved for affection, she could have used her big girl words and TALKED to you about her feelings.

I am so sorry you are here. This is truly a shit sandwich.

I agree with the previous advice of speaking to a good lawyer and getting into individual counseling. Oh, and expose the affair and pregnancy to the OP's wife/girlfriend/whatever.

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

Unfortunately, Brokenchem, I think this tells you everything you need to know about the prospects for a successful R.

I completely agree, you're nothing but a wallet to her now.

Hell, she wants to hook you for CS for a kid that's not yours too.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 5:58 PM, May 21st (Sunday)]

So as long as you are perfect, do whatever she wants, and dont ever leave her alone for a minute it's good.

But what about when you are human, disagree with her, or have to go to work? She cheats?

Where's the bar going to stop? Fail to dance her dance forever and she cheats? Forget to out the toilet seT down? Will it be a sliding bar like it was this affair or a fixed one (meaning do you know the point in advance where she decides to cheat since "you failed" or is it a surprise and you only find out ... if you find out ... AFTER she's cheated again?)

Surely you see how unfair this is? She's the perpetrator saying she's the victim and also blaming the real victim.

You realize you cant be perfect t forever, right? And her go to response to you being human is to f some other guy.

Sigh... I just don't think you are ready to do what you need to do in order to either end this marriage or to apply pressure to her to get her invested into becoming safe.

That's not good. It almost guarantees this will happen again. And again.

I'm so sorry ;(

My wife and I have been married for about 6 years, together 8, and she has 4 kids from a previous marriage I adore.

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

Do you give any energy or love to her four kids that you adore? Or do you totally ignore them?

If do spend time with them ask her if that counts for anything at all. What you do with the kids is really for her. Ask her that if you pay no attention to her al all but spend hours with her kids does that count.

How much attention has the OM given to her four kids? Does he help them with their homework or pack their lunch? Does she manage all four kids on her own without you lifting a finger? Does any of your paycheck go to supporting her kids? Does that count for anything?

Tell her that she's right and you will give her the attention she deserves. But now you will have no time or money for her kids just like her boyfriend.

She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.

For me this comment would be the last straw. There would be no way for me to recover from that.

See a lawyer now to make sure that you don’t end up on the birth certificate. States vary and even though you’re obviously not the biological dad you can still wind up paying child support just because you’re married.

[This message edited by Michigan at 7:30 PM, May 21st (Sunday)]

"She told me today if I'd given her even a small fraction of the energy and love she needed this wouldn't have happened.' Dude, that is so wrong.......talk about crappy rationalizing. It is your fault that she allowed another man to have sex with her?? That is like blaming the grocery store for making me fat. I am willing to bet that even if you paid her all the attention she 'needed' she would've still cheated. My fiancé told after she reveled her cheating that even if I had been the perfect mate she still would have cheated. Sobering and honest. Listen to 1985, he had some good insight. Raising another mans child as your own is difficult to say the least. Constant reminders...but it has been done..it can be done. Unfortunately you might be under some deadlines that take away the luxury of time. I also wonder about the other children and any other history of cheating. BEFORE I would consider an R I would ploy her. Good luck.....THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

I only read your first two posts. I know you feel emasculated. I did too until I realized that it wasn't about me. It was about her; a broken individual. If I could have, I would have never had contact with her again. But, I have my children to think of (at least until they're 18). You have an opportunity to get out of your situation. They aren't your kids; they aren't your responsibility. She made a choice to be who she is; it's her fault and her consequences to deal with. I wish the best for you regardless of your choice.

when I think about it... the baby... what she did, I break inside, so I end up not thinking about it much and keep in survival/avoidance mode.

Not thinking about it much? You mean not 100% of the time because you find ways to distract yourself for a few precious moments. This is never going to end for you. Her having another man's baby is the kiss of death to your marriage. If you stay married with this woman you are going to be forced to think about all of this shit many times a day for the rest of your life. Save yourself for christ's sake - divorce her and move forward with your life. This is not fixable.

This latest bullshit - her blame-shifting her choice to cheat onto you - is just fucked up.

[This message edited by anoka at 5:26 PM, May 22nd (Monday)]

Can anyone point me to the thread with other children from the "I can relate" section?

It doesn't show up for me.

It's been a tough week.

Thanks.

[This message edited by Brokenchem at 8:29 PM, May 28th (Sunday)]

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=540367

Good luck.

Hey Brokenchem-

I"m late to your party, and I apologize. First let me say that I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You didn't get a vote in it, and yet the consequences are very real and very shitty.

I want to tell you that you're not alone. People have gone through this and you don't always feel like this.

Man this other guy's baby is a huge thing. It is such a tough place you are in. You sound like a guy that would be a good dad. And that baby is innocent. By no fault of its own is it in the situation. And what a situation he or she is being born into. It's all very sad. You don't have to stay and take care of it and raise it. But you can if you want to. You don't have to Divorce your wife. But you can if you want to. You don't have to reconcile with her. But you can if you want to.

Nobody here knows your WW like you do. Most of us know a typical WW situation, though. But we don't know yours. And it's very easy to say, "she's not remorseful" when all we see if what you've told us. And it's very easy for us to say, "get the hell out of that marriage," when we aren't in love with that woman you married. We don't have the emotional baggage and history you have with her. We don't understand your relationship with her, but we have probably been there. And we've seen a lot here.

I don't agree with the "you're this or that" that was proposed early in this thread. I tend to think that kind of statement is more damaging than helpful, but everyone here HAS been through, and has come or is coming through infidelity, so everyone has a story and a perspective. Including you.

And I think William said it best. "Whatever you decide, WE ARE WITH YOU."

If I was going to offer any advice, I would say that there are some practical things you can do for your emotional and physical health- Exercise. When I was in the "grip" (as another guy here called it once.)- and my hair was on fire and I couldn't sleep or eat or function like a human being very well, I walked around the lake near my house. About an hour. And it helped me clear my mind and be less anxious and calmed me down. Sometimes I had to run because walking wasn't enough. (imagine a shorter fattish guy in slip on shoes, jeans, and a winter coat running through a blizzard at 2:00am- you got it.) - Drink water. Eat what you can. Boiled eggs worked for me. - Do things that give you life. Be good to yourself. Start a new hobby. I made a quilt. Got all sorts of shit on here for it. - but damn in turned out and I got rid of the one the XW made for me. Do things that are good for your soul. I'm kind of a people whore, so I had to be around friends. I had friends I could call on the phone and some friends that would meet at the drop of a hat for drinks at Applebees. (come to think of it, maybe they just wanted drinks)- If you're more on the introverted side, then I'm not sure what to advise. But someone else here will.

You're not alone. We ARE here with you. And no matter what you do, we will be here with you. (some people might disagree with you and continue to advise to do something you're unwilling to do, or goes against what you want your outcome to be- I didn't follow the SI party line- I wanted to do it "MY" way, so I could say I did everything I could to save my M- and I did everything I could. and it didn't work. My XW wanted out of the M so wasn't really willing to R and you can't R if only 1 is willing to try... - If I could go back in time, there are a few things I would do differently- But I wouldn't have been able to then with what I knew and believed then.)

I hope you get a few minutes of sanity today. And a few more tomorrow. And a few more the day after. You'll make it. And we are with you.