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He was angry today. Very angry. I let him, offering support but retreating when he did not take it. I am finished with offering myself to people who are not interested. This is what nearly made me implode. I left the house when he started to cross a line in his cursing and blaming.

I think it is his way to deal with the A. I get that he is still hurting. But I cannot take this kind of behavior at the moment. I too have a Life wich deals me shitty cards at the moment and hearing him curse me is not helpful.

Repair Steady at a snails pace is what MC told me. Take Life at a Turtoise´s Pace until you feel like the version of yourself you love. This came from my IC And I will heed his advice. I went on a walk. Just walking about 5 km.Just clearing my head. Appreciating all wich I have become. Self - Care. Acknowledging my needs.

He was calm again when I came home. He is angry over work related issues and took is ire out on me. Blaming the A. for everything. I told him how this made me feel. Then we did a bit of brainstorming on his problem, wich I too find is a problem, alright. I am very interested in ho that plays out.....

Grandpa gets frequent visits from me and DS. DS has become his "Lamp" as he said. For a Miner this is huge. But Grandpa has always been a man who expressed himself like this. Expressing feelings was never his strong point. He refuses to see my Husband at the moment. Some word´s just cannot be forgotten. My Husband takes it badly, he so wanted to make amends. But I think Grandpa needs the time.

[This message edited by Trauerweide at 5:16 AM, April 1st (Saturday)]

I don't see any info on where you are at in the timeline. When did your husband discover the A? Is he in IC?

Also I'm not sure how the tidbit about Grandpa plays in? What did your husband say to him? What was the context? When were the words said? Did they relate to the A?

To speak broadly, OF COURSE, the needs of a wayward matter. All humans have needs and they all matter. BUT it is always very important to realize that while life may be handing you shitty hands YOU handed your BS a shitty hand.

That doesn't mean that he has the right to be verbally abusive to you, but he does have the right to place 100% of the blame of betrayal squarely on your shoulders.

I think taking a walk and getting space is an excellent thing. One thing to consider is the offer of support. Have you two talked about what kind of support he needs from you when he is angry? My h thought that it was supportive to try and problem solve when I was angry. What I wanted was for him to acknowledge my anger. SO we were stuck in an unproductive cycle. It took some conversations to get out of that.

Be gentle with yourself and your BS. An affair is like throwing rocks in a washing machine. It breaks things you didn't even know could be broken.

You're so focused on YOU and your needs, that you're completly blind to his. So focused on your own grief that you can't see his.

You're grieving the loss of a loved one. That death was not your BH's fault yet you have found a way to blame him for your pain/grief. And you have your family backing this justification. Just because the whole world believes a lie doesn't make it the truth.

His grief could have been avoided. You are 100% responsible for causing his pain. And it's deep. It may be different than your pain, but it's not less.

Your BH's needs matter too! There's nothing in your post addressing that. There's no indication that there is any balance. It's still all about you.

I know this is hard Trauerweide. And your husband sounds like he's frustrated and struggling. It is early on and this is how it goes.

Do your needs matter? Of course they do. You are a person and you are under stress too. BUT... think about this. What happened during the time of the affair? YOUR needs superseded HIS! Your needs mattered more, and you took what you needed at the time while his needs were left unmet. At the time, and maybe even now, you weren't arguing that his needs matter too. You were worried only about your own.

I don't say this to be mean, I promise. I say it because as WS's we get selfish and defensive and don't see the way we view things as clearly as we need to sometimes. Ask yourself if you gave him the very things you are demanding now. And then ask yourself - who deserves them? When your affair was going on, was he sad too? Was he alone too? Was he angry too? During that time, you were both unhappy. But only one of you chose to have an affair. And let's face it... you did the wrong thing. He did not. You committed the crime. He was the victim.

My wife and I had a talk after the affair, and she told me that I had lost some of my "rights". This really upset me at first... what do mean I lost my rights? I'm a person too! I deserve to have an opinion, and to seek love and have needs and yada yada yada... and yes, I do. But when I had an affair, I gave up some things. Well, at least I do if reconciliation is my goal. I don't get total privacy, because I lied to her and hid things. I don't get total trust... same reasons. I don't get to set the pace at which we heal and reconcile. These are the things I gave up because I fucked up. And I want my marriage to recover MORE than I want those rights. So I agree and we move forward. And maybe one day those things come back. But that's then. This is now. Now is the time for hard work.

My advice to you... breathe. When he gets angry, you get calm. Take off your armor and let him be angry at you, and when he is done, tell him you are sorry and committed to making it better. It is what you would demand from him if the experiences were reversed.

Keep going to IC and MC for a while, they are telling you the truth. And look deep at yourself and at him. Is the marriage worth saving? Does love still exist, even if it is buried deep down right now? I can't answer those questions, only you can. But if you don't make an effort now to recover then you may always regret what could have been and can't take that back and more than you can take the affair back.

Give yourself the gift of patience and calm. Own your shit. And understand that right now, while you decide what needs matter to you, that his choices in the matter were stolen by you. You made those decisions for him and now he is stuck with whatever plate of misery you handed him. His needs don't matter because you took them. Give them back.

This is a touchy subject here. I'll try to be concise, but there's a lot.

Your title is misleading. It's not about your rights, per se, it's about the right to not be verbally abused which is absolutely correct, affair or not. There are times when a WS will try to point out their needs in the relationship that aren't being met while knee deep in affair recovery. That's not fair. That's like treating a hang nail while there is a gut gun shot wound, it doesn't work.

You and BS need to make an agreement if things get too heated you will both step back for "x" amount of time. This can vary. For example if it's late at night on a work day, then talk about it after work the next day, or when the kids go down. If it's a time period say on the weekend, make it an hour or two.

The only way this remains a valuable tool is that both partners need to keep their word in regard to discussing an issue. Neither can back out for any reason because that's invalidating.

No clue on the grandfather stuff you mentioned.

Verbal abuse is wrong and damaging. You have every right to ask for that not to occur.

yes your needs matter, but let me tell you what I told my wh...

"you need to be patient with me, this may not be news to you but it is to me... You've been living it, I have not!!!!"

You really need to separate the marital issues and whether he met your needs in your time of loss, for which I am very sorry, and his needs to recover from your A.

Almost every one of your posts, including some of your replies in the R forum show absolutely no comprehension regarding what you have done to your BH and your M. You Murdered your M, and took your BH down as well. You should be here learning how to be a better WS, be more patient with him, and stop trying to make this all about you. No, you don't have to stand there if the verbal outbursts are too much, but are they really scaring you, or are you just to indignant that he didn't show enough support during your time of loss? Try listening go him, Really listening. This means listening for the message behind the words, because when he's angry the words may not be the message itself.

Stop defending your honor and being so sensitive to how BSS feel about us WSs. We earned their anger, so stop fighting it and start owning your A and its consequences.

It's difficult to revive from multiple losses at once, makes recovering from either more difficult for sure, but I don't see much effort on your part (base do on your writings, I'm new t there to witness paersonally) to accept your role in his pain, your role as the Killer of your M as he knew it.

He was angry today. Very angry. I let him, offering support but retreating when he did not take it.This is what nearly made me implode. I left the house when he started to cross a line in his cursing and blaming.

I'm a betrayed spouse who has crossed that line with cursing and blaming.

I think that you handled this well. You should not tolerate cursing and verbal abuse.

You should talk to your BH about the cursing and abuse and see if you can get him to improve, with the help of IC... if needed. He needs to heal... this is part of the process.

I am finished with offering myself to people who are not interested.

I hope this is frustration and venting from you. But, remember, you had the affair... so if you want to stay married, I strongly discourage you from giving up.

Good luck... I am pulling for the both of you.

Friendly observation, you're incredibly narcissistic, have zero remorse, and have no idea the pain you caused your husband. All your posts are all about you and you only. Your needs, your pain, what you've done, what's been done to you. I'll say this. You'll never be happy in a marriage because no other human being will be able to fill that hole inside of you. You'll fill it with self-destructive behaviors, like affairs. Better to not put anyone else through that. It hurts really bad, I assure you.

Still about the family and not your marriage. Not your betrayal. Nothing matters but you and your grieving. Everyone grieves. It is just part of life. Everyone loses family members, fathers, mothers, sisters, Aunts, Uncles. The world doesn't stop. Not everyone chooses to cheat when the world doesn't give them what they want. Not everyone chooses to continue to stay if a spouse is never emotionally available or supportive. So when are you going to stop focusing on the wrong things and focus on divorce? How many more years are you going to stay in grief because your husband will not change or acknowledge that he needs to? Just saying. Same post from the last one. Seems the same feelings from 5yrs ago and the same thing. Nothing has changed. You and your husband are two different people from two different worlds with two different value systems and he isn't fitting in with your extended family centered idea of a marriage.

Ok, to answer all the questions:

A. ended 5 years ago. I told my H. everything.

What did your husband say to him? What was the context? When were the words said? Did they relate to the A?

It was in front of my Family. H. in the hospital. I do not know specifics as my Grandpa does not want me to resent my Husband. But my Husband said that he was totally out of line and if someone had said this to a relative of his he would have seen red. I believe that my husband did bring up the affair - but it was most likely just to defend his words.

Have you two talked about what kind of support he needs from you when he is angry?

Yes, but he does not know what would help him. I think he might profit from working it out with his IC.

.

You're grieving the loss of a loved one. That death was not your BH's fault yet you have found a way to blame him for your pain/grief.

How am I blaming my husband for the loss of my Aunt? How do I blame him for my Grandfathers Illness?

Your BH's needs matter too!

His needs were the only thing on my mind during the last 5 years.

a

are they really scaring you, or are you just to indignant that he didn't show enough support during your time of loss?

I think that if they were about the A. or about our Marriage it is natural to feel Anger at me, It would have been ok, even as harsh as he did it. But it was for totally unrelated reasons. This is what upsets me. He blamed me for something that went wrong at work. It has been a source of anger for quite some time now. But when I suggested he ask the IC for some tips he shrugged me of. Said it can not be helped.

[This message edited by Trauerweide at 4:38 AM, April 3rd (Monday)]

CincyKid,

This forum is not the place for BS's to beat up on Waywards. Post within the rules or you will be removed.

I thought it was your uncle you were grieving - first I think I've heard about an aunt.

So your family is withholding the truth about what grievous statement was made by your husband...you don't know what he said but you're automatically siding with your family. Your family needs to allow you to be an adult and make adult decisions about your marriage.

Your BH may not be in a place to be concerned about your needs. Is it time for you to meet your own needs? Is it time that you learn to love and respect yourself, even if BH doesn't? That's where I am and it is very hard. I can not continue to be emotionally dependent on him. I've been half of a person for too long. I can learn to stand on my own two feet and find my worthiness from within. I don't have to depend on him to make me feel worthy.

My Husband told me that he said things wich were way out of line. My Grandfather who was always my Husbands biggest support and did not want to endanger our R. by tattle telling. So I only know what my H. and my Grandfather told me.

I went Low Contact with most of my Family but I am still the Person who is responsible for my Granddad.

What are you looking for here?

I agree, your needs do matter. We're all human here, even people who cheat, and I think our betrayed spouses- the ones that know- can sometimes forget that. I don't think you should tolerate verbal abuse either. I know I never would.

During this stressful time, try to take care of yourself. Practice good self-care and self-love and learn to really love yourself. I'm still working on it.

[This message edited by DoctorsLove at 6:57 AM, April 4th (Tuesday)]

^^what do you know about BS. Did you finally tell yours? Was your AP wife ever a person to you with feelings?

Another BH here, sharing the thoughts of someone who sometimes resorts to vulgarity when my feelings get out of hand. It's not a trait I'm proud of (and my wife has never approved of it, though I'm afraid my cussing has rubbed off on her). Sometimes I just "boil over" and say things in a harsher way than I really mean.

Let me be clear: if he's crossing a line and being abusive (verbally or otherwise), that should never be tolerated, BH or not. Only you can decide where that line is. Hopefully that's not the case, but I don't want to make assumptions either way.

But... you need to understand that his anger about the A can be triggered by all sorts of stresses. Even though the A isn't the cause of his work stresses, he may be having a very difficult time coping with both together. That could make you (unfairly) into a "lightning rod" when the stresses get to be too much for him to handle.

I do have experience with how difficult it can be to control the anger about my WW's As, and have had to "bite my tongue" at times, to prevent myself from saying things that could be more hurtful than I really mean to be. If my external stresses were higher, I'm not sure that I'd always be able to keep myself from flying off the handle and saying things that, maybe at the time I feel are justified, but will just cause us both pain.

I think you were wise to let his anger settle, and then communicate to find out what was behind it. That is SO important. As a BS, I admire your patience.

All the best

You were all so, so right. I spent a lot of time changing my ways and I hope we are on the road to true R. My Husband and Lover forgave me my unhealthy grief.