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I Can Relate :
Support Through Prayer ...Part 3

Topic is Sleeping.
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hihn ( member #43986) posted at 4:31 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2016

BrokenheartedWife, I loved how you related and connected to God in your nature scenes. It made me think of this one particular rose bush in our yard. When I bought this house we live in the yard was a desert. Everything in the yard was dead or darn close to dead. It wasn't quite springtime yet. There was this one rose bush that we had planned to pull out of the ground because it appeared to have no signs of life left. The day before we were to pull it out I was pulling & cutting off the mass of old dead vines entangled around it. I did this to make it easier to wrap a chain around it to pull it out with a truck. I was thinking at the time "how sad, you must have been a big beautiful rose once upon a time by the looks of your massive base and somebody let you get choked by these vines left to die." As I cleared away the vines at the base of it I began to see what appeared to be the beginning of a new shoot coming from it's base. I decided to keep it and see what happened. Well, it has flourished ever since. I now refer to it as a she and named her Rosey (I know it's not exactly original in naming her). Rosey produces these highly fragrant & extremely large roses. Whenever I see and smell her I think of God for two reasons. 1)It takes the power of God to raise the dead. 2) If God has a scent and I could choose what that scent would be, I would choose it to be the scent of Rosey.

Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners,but is more likley 80+

posts: 393   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2014   ·   location: colorado, U.S.
id 7674668
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blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 8:09 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2016

SteadyChevy....glad you got Wild at Heart. I bought a case and give them to guys, would have mailed you a copy for free! I owe you more than you will ever know.

I am preparing to enter the lottery for the Advanced Boot Camp.....Ransomed Heart offers this as the next level.

Perhaps our real life paths will cross. Am ever grateful our virtual paths have.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 7674896
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needfriendshere ( member #43350) posted at 8:48 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2016

FarFromHome5,

I noticed that you posted once and I have not seen anything else from you. You were concerned about using harsh words and letting anger get the better of you.

You will find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster. One day you will see the efforts your FWS is making and praise God for it. The next, something will trigger you and you will want to lash out. This is normal. You are normal. The important thing is to not let yourself wallow in the low places. When you find yourself there, pray. Pray for peace, pray for understanding, pray for your H and for your M. God already knows what's in your heart. But He loves to hear from His children. In prayer, there is power. With God, there is hope. And in Him, there is victory.

Would love to hear how you are doing.

(((FarFromHome5)))

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.

posts: 1542   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2014
id 7674937
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 10:03 PM on Friday, September 30th, 2016

It isn't a one way street. I feel I've received far more than I've ever provided.

My thoughts were to buy the small group series and coerce (well not coerce, really) a few men to work our way through it. The idea of buying a case of Wild at Heart appeals. My WW bought "Captivating" and found it valuable.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7674981
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:20 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2016

Great images and thoughts, BrokenheartedWif and hihn. Anyone else? Please?

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7675821
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rosie437 ( member #48313) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, October 2nd, 2016

Morning all! I haven't posted on this thread in a bit but I do stop in occasionally and gather inspiration here. So since it was requested, this morning I come to share my nature story!

A few years ago, I was in Greece and my ex and I were touring ancient Roman ruins. I remember very clearly one afternoon it was quite drizzly and grey, but we were determined to see all we could so we went to a very impressive ruin site on the top of a small hill. We stood there talking with other tourists about the amazing abilities of man to be able to build such structures that last for so long and were so impressive. Then all of a sudden, the clouds parted and the sunshine rays poured down on that hill in the most beautiful, picturesque pattern. We see clouds and sun almost every day but this particular moment was just beautiful -the lighting, the ways the rays broke through the clouds in perfect unison and you could see individual rays pointing downward. A person behind me (I have no idea who they were) laughed lightly and I heard him say quietly 'God just sent us a reminder that no matter how impressive our buildings are, his are always better. He can upstage anything!'. And I smiled and looked around because he was right - every single head on that hilltop that had been so intently staring at various architectural marvels had turned to look at that sun. It was such a peaceful, beautiful reminder. God is always with us.

BW: Me (36)
WH: 43
Married 10 years, together 12.5
Dday - 6/12/15
Status: LS on 9/15/16, FINALLY happily divorced on 5/12/17! :)

If you can't show your honest self, you will never really be loved for you.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7675944
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blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 2:27 PM on Monday, October 3rd, 2016

SteadyChevy...my wife read Captivating as well. She also went to a Captivating weekend retreat hosted by Staci Eledredge and the gang at Ransomed Heart. Both experiences continue to produce good fruits in our lives.....still waiting on the harvest, but our orchard has far fewer weeds and pests within it!

She and I both agree the experience trumps 2 years of weekly therapy. It did so because of two main reasons. First, you are immersed in the 3 day experience....which is really 5 days with travel. Lots of one on one time with God. Second, instead of focusing strictly on the "issues" and brokenness, there was much focus on healing and redemption.....tied closely to sanctification.

This trial has opened my heart to the healing work only God can do within a person.

They say trials don't so much define who you are as reveal who you are. This is so true within this trial. I have met parts of myself I never knew existed....some of which I battled shame and guilt over, others I have been pleasantly surprised on how GOOD they are!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:53 AM, October 3rd (Monday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 7676465
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hihn ( member #43986) posted at 2:12 AM on Thursday, October 6th, 2016

rosie437, Thank you so much for sharing your nature reminder of God. That was awesome! I have a rose we call Rosey by the way. She makes me smile and so did you. I tell my WH sometimes when it thunders "Listen, God is speaking".

Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners,but is more likley 80+

posts: 393   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2014   ·   location: colorado, U.S.
id 7678762
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noname7 ( member #53890) posted at 5:24 AM on Sunday, October 9th, 2016

Really struggling right now and need prayers for clarity and discernment. Although i fear the clarity. I'll go into detail later because I'm about to try to sleep. I've read over halfway through this thread and it has helped.

Me BW
WH
DD
DD
DSD 25
I don't PM male members.
Married 18yrs 4 mos @dday
Together 22

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2016
id 7681012
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 2:32 PM on Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

I was awqy from home for the weekend, noname7, so didn't read SI until last night and again this morning. Belated prayers for you having clarity of thought and strength of mind.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7683014
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hihn ( member #43986) posted at 3:36 AM on Friday, October 14th, 2016

Noname7, I'm praying for you. Clarity can be scary and painful, but also liberating. I pray you receive clarity and liberation through it. We as Christians are called to live in truth no matter how much we may fear it. With truth comes clarity. With clarity comes liberation from untruths. Adultery has a way of exposing untruths.

Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners,but is more likley 80+

posts: 393   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2014   ·   location: colorado, U.S.
id 7684469
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hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 3:50 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2016

Wanted to share this with you all. Written by Fr Ron Rohlheiser

To Live In The Light

April 22, 2012

Several years ago, I was approached by man who asked me to be his spiritual director. He was in his mid-forties and almost everything about him radiated a certain health. As we sat down to talk, I mentioned that he seemed to be in a very good space. He smiled and replied that, yes, this was so, but it hadn’t always been so. His happiness had its own history … and its own pre-history.  Here’s how he told his story:

“I haven’t always been in a good space in my life; in fact, it’s been a long struggle to get where I am today. For more than 20 years, from the time I left high school until three years ago, I struggled with two addictions: alcohol and sex. I had them enough under control that I could essentially hide them from my family, my friends, and my colleagues. As well I never acted out in very dangerous ways. I was addicted, but still had good control in my life. The problem was that I was living a double life – showing one life to my family and friends and living another life secretly (alcohol, pornography, and pick-up bars) on the side. I never once missed a day of work and was always able to function at a high level professionally, but my life slowly began to fixate around my addictions – hiding them, lying about my activities, fiercely protecting my privacy, resentment towards anything or anybody who stood between me and my addictions, and daily anxiety, scheming about where I would go at night. I functioned decently within my work and my relationships, but my mind, heart, and real attention were focused on something else, my addictions, my next hit.

I’m not sure what the exact trigger was since there were a number of things that hit me at a point (my father’s death, a couple of near escapes in terms of being discovered, some real shame, some graced moments of clarity when I sensed both my hypocrisy and the dead-end road I was on), but three years ago I went on a retreat to a monastery and had the courage to have a long talk with the Abbott. He suggested that I go into two recovery programs, one to deal with alcohol and the other to deal with sex. I took his advice and all I can say is that it has completely turned my life around. I’ve been “sober” now for three years and the best way that I can describe it is that now “I see color again”. Nothing feels as great as honesty! I have never been this happy!  I’m now living in the light!”

We’re called to live in the light, but we tend to have an overly romantic idea of what that should mean. We tend to think that to live in the light means that there should be a kind of special sunshine inside of us, a divine glow in our conscience, a sunny joy inside us that makes us constantly want to praise God, an ambience of sacredness surrounding our attitude.  But that’s unreal.  What does it mean to live in the light?

To live in the light means to live in honesty, pure and simple, to be transparent, to not have part of us hidden as a dark secret.

All conversion and recovery programs worthy of the name are based on bringing us to this type of honesty. We move towards spiritual health precisely by flushing out our sickest secrets and bringing them into the light. Sobriety is more about living in honesty and transparency than it is about living without a certain chemical, gambling, or sexual habit. It’s the hiding of something, the lying, the dishonesty, the deception, the resentment we harbor towards those who stand between us and our addiction, that does the real damage to us and to those we love.

Spiritual health lies in honesty and transparency and so we live in the light when we are willing to lay every part of our lives open to examination by those who need to trust us.

·       To live in the light is to be able always to tell our loves ones where we are and what we are doing.

·       To live in the light is not have to worry if someone traces what websites we have visited.

·       To live in the light is to not be anxious if someone in the family finds our files unlocked.

·       To live in the light is to be able to let those we live with listen to what’s inside our cell-phones, see what’s inside our emails, and know who’s on our speed-dial.

·       To live in the light is to have a confessor and to be able to tell that person what we struggle with, without having to hide anything.

To live in the light is to live in such a way that, for those who know us, our lives are an open book.

me-BS him-WS3 adult childrenmarried a long timeLTA 2010-2012D-day - 11-2012 status - reconciling and very hopeful

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2867   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 7690743
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rosie437 ( member #48313) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, October 22nd, 2016

hopeful, thanks for sharing! I've actually read this before and it is thought-provoking.

I have to say though that one of the things I struggle with understanding is how a WS is capable of putting so much work/effort/stress into living a hidden life. Hiding so much and deceiving so many, keeping all the lies straight has to be stressful and awful! I cannot imagine doing that...I'm about the world's worst liar though so maybe that's why. Having so much to hide would destroy me.

noname - how are you doing by now?

Prayers to all of us out there struggling with clarity, secrets and figuring out our path!

BW: Me (36)
WH: 43
Married 10 years, together 12.5
Dday - 6/12/15
Status: LS on 9/15/16, FINALLY happily divorced on 5/12/17! :)

If you can't show your honest self, you will never really be loved for you.

posts: 840   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7690857
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BrokenheartedWif ( member #40955) posted at 12:13 AM on Sunday, October 23rd, 2016

Thank you for sharing hopeful.

He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love. Whorena The Cumdumpster pretended to be my friend the entire time as well. I'll take an enemy any day of the week.

posts: 934   ·   registered: Oct. 11th, 2013   ·   location: Central IN
id 7690993
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noname7 ( member #53890) posted at 9:06 AM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2016

Thank you all for the prayers. I'm still struggling as I've essentially had a new dday on 10/7 (appears to be broken NC). I'm still not strong enough to share yet as I'm still processing and trying to uncover the full truth. Its a long story. But I'm actually doing so much better considering because about a week before I found this information I started attending church again and asked for prayers for forgiveness, finding balance in my life,and for help with anger and bitterness. I immediately felt so much stronger and better with less anger and bitterness. I know the devil is working through my husband which is why I struggle with deciding what to do. I love my husband but know that with his foo issues and NPD tendencies he's unlikely to change. He's also very impulsive which doesn't help. Just please continue to pray for me as I will all of you.

Me BW
WH
DD
DD
DSD 25
I don't PM male members.
Married 18yrs 4 mos @dday
Together 22

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2016
id 7693534
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 3:56 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2016

The prayers for you continue, noname7.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7694981
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StrongHeart ( member #45092) posted at 4:22 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2016

Okay, I have a very intimate question. I understand if people don't want to or don't feel comfortable broaching this subject, but I would like a discussion with others who's compass is God.

Is masturbation a sin? Why or why not?

I understand this is a very sensitive and private subject for many, so I hope I do not offend anyone, but I am really unsure/confused about the notion of masturbation and am hoping to gain some insight from others who are attempting to live a Godly life.

I may post in general too, but am worried that I will get too wide an array of answers to help be truly thought provoking.

I appreciate any thoughts you'd be willing to share. Thank you

BS: 32; XWH: 34; DS: 3
DDay: 3/8/2014; D: 8/31/2015

"There is little growing in comfort and little comfort in growing"-unknown

"Don't take your emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath."-unknown

posts: 1791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Louisiana
id 7695357
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:46 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2016

I can't really answer your question, StrongHeart. I quickly looked in the concordance in my Bible and didn't find a reference to masturbation there. I don't remember any reference to masterbation from the Bible, either, but I'm not a biblical scholar. Hopefully others can chime in.

Personally, I've not thought of masturbation as a sin. What may be the sin is what stimulus is being used for the arousal. There's a commandment about not coveting thy neighbour's wife which, IMO, includes everyone you aren't in a relationship with - movie stars, the cute girl/guy at work, your neighbour, your in-laws, porn, etc. And, also IMO, if masturbation is preferred to intimacy with a spouse.

JMO. Hope others chime in so I can get different perspectives, too.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7696444
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steadychevy ( member #42608) posted at 1:53 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2016

I haven't seen anything from blakesteele lately. I pray his absence is because things are progressing well for him on all fronts. I've increased my prayer level for him for his well being. I'm hoping others will keep him in their prayers, too.

Praying for all of us for strength and clarity.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4662   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 7696447
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needfriendshere ( member #43350) posted at 8:55 PM on Monday, October 31st, 2016

(((NoName7)))

A second Dday? I am so sorry you are going through this. Will add you to my prayers.

SteadyChevy, I have been praying for you for quite some time. How are you these days?

Hopeful77, God bless you for your constant encouragement! We all need that spiritual shot in the arm now and then.

Srongheart, Hihn, Rosie, and Blakesteele, love and hugs to you all.

Brokenheartedwif, my heart has always held a very special place for you! I pray you are finding that peace that passes understanding.

I confess that I have finally found it, which is probably why I do not find myself on SI very much these days - except to check up on my "friends", whom I pray for every day.

I recently went through something called Restorative Prayer at my church and it was life-changing. It was intense one-on-one prayer with a sister in Christ who apparently has a gift for prayer and has been trained (?) in this area. We were in a very comfy room that was dimly lit with big soft pillows to sit on. I spent the first half hour with her crying and spilling my heart out to her (and to God) about how I could not let go of the bitterness and the anger I felt toward H. I was then asked to close my eyes and this dear woman led me through about 2 hours of prayer that was nothing short of miraculous. She asked me questions, telling me just to answer with the first thing that came to my mind. And then she expounded upon my answers. We dealt with issues that went back as far as age 8.

By the end of the session, I felt peace like I have never felt before - ever! We dealt with guilt and shame that I hung onto for years. And we dealt with my fear of H cheating again, which basically was a fear of being alone with no means of support. God showed me that if H should cheat again and I should have to release him to his sin, I will be ok. I am not dependent on H for anything - not my happiness, my sustenance, nothing. And I don't need to be a people-pleaser anymore. I will please H because I love him and want to - not because I am afraid not to.

I am still feeling this peace - this joy - this lack of guilt, shame, and fear.

If you have access to this type of prayer at your church or a church near you, please avail yourselves of it. Honestly, this is the first time I have felt true peace since Dday, the first time I am getting good sleep since then, and the first time I am at peace with myself.

God bless you all!!! Your sister in Christ, NFH

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 2:57 PM, October 31st (Monday)]

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.

posts: 1542   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2014
id 7697395
Topic is Sleeping.
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