SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks again, everyone. Sorry I haven't chimed in here much. It's been an emotional night (seems like every night is).

Good news first: my wife told me she has gotten 3 appointments a week with her therapist - Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Tough convo with the kids. The boys think I'm going on a trip. The girls know what's up. I stressed this is not a separation but a means for me to clear my head so I can work with their mom. I think they got it but it was tough. I am leaving no matter how I serve that to them. I did commit to regular contact with them. I'm going tomorrow. Taking off for the next week. I'm also going on vacation out of state. Leaving Friday. Going with my best friend since childhood. He's a contractor and is in between jobs. We're going to Arizona. My treat. Using points mostly, so not such a big deal. Yes. Opposite side of the USA. I get it. Hey - at least it's not overseas. Booked it tonight. Told my wife. She looks bewildered. My girls said they'll look out for her. I called her sister and told her too. She offered to come by every evening.

I also told my wife I want to schedule the polygraph test for before I go to Arizona if possible. She just nodded.

Once Again, I appreciate all your posts and thank you to those who have been looking out for me. Please know that even if things come out poorly on either my end or yours, we all have noble intentions and I recognize that. And so I am grateful for your time on this thread. Thanks again.

1985 - GREAT post!

Wonderful Walloped! What a great destination for a vacation. Have fun and find peace.

Blessings to you.

WOW! I haven't been able to type anything since I read the 104 questions interrogation you put up more than 24 hours ago. You must have had some awful mind movies because I woke up at 4:00 AM this morning and had mind movies until I got out of bed, and she's not even my wife.

I agree with what you are doing, get out of the house to help yourself heal. It is important that you (and your wife) recover from the shock before you can start the process of R. I know you love your wife and D seems out of the picture unless something awful comes out.

Yes, she's lying about NC. I don't doubt that.

Yes, she's likely more terrified of telling me that than telling me specific details of what she did with him because she compartmentalizes the "affair" vs real life afterward.

As nononsense said (Jeez nononsense, it's as if you can read my mind) the NC is the deal breaker. She figures that if she admits to contacting POS, the next step will be divorce. Think how likely it is that POS would find her sister's phone number (I wonder if SIL's phone number is listed in the phone book under a common family name or a rare family name) and call your wife at the exact time that your SIL had gone outside the house. I think the more likely scenario is that your wife called POS using her sister's phone and then hung up. POS then saw the incoming call on his caller ID and figured your wife was trying to reach him, and then called the number. This gave your wife the perfect excuse. "POS called me. Look, he called. His number is on the caller ID". I wonder how well she would score on the polygraph.

Take your time so you can heal properly. You could arrange it as someone suggested. You go home after work and she leaves to go sleep elsewhere. She can then return the next morning after you have left for work. That way there will be no possibility of you being accused of abandonment. That way, she gets to suffer because she sees the kids less and she is out of the house.

If POS was a jerk, she wouldn't have jumped into bed with him. And as such, if he never asked for it and simply kept feeding her ego, I think she would've been okay with that. But once he did and she acquiesced and got the associated extra validations and compliments and ego boosts, well, like a crack addict she needed more of it.

That description minimizes her full choice to do this over and over every day. A crack addict is very aware of how bad they feel about what they are doing, and they want to stop every time they do it, but they are too weak mentally. That is not your wife. I agree it was an addiction of some type, however, it is a bit different than a crack addiction. She did not feel bad about it at all, she thought it was good for you, and she had no intention of stopping anytime soon. She probably thought of it like "I will end this affair someday."

Her addiction was not so overwhelming that she "NEEDED" more. She "WANTED" more. I think it is an important distinction.

I want to point out how HUGE it was when you contacted other man's wife and found out other man was lying about being married. HUGE. If not for that, your wife may not think of other man as a POS, and if your wife did not think of other man as a POS, your wife probably goes underground to keep prolonging. Without you telling your wife about other man's lie, you are in a completely different situation, a much worse circumstance. I can't emphasize enough to you how HUGE that was in how this played out.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:49 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

Finally, I can't emphasize enough how HUGE it was that your brother spotted your wife and told you about it immediately. Six months down the road, maybe the other man DOES divorce his wife, and then your wife is so smitten and beholden that she leaves you and moves in with other man on Upper West Side apartment.

Your wife could have LIVED that fantasy, lazing around in the nude with other man she could have made that a REALITY. The kids would have crashed down on her head, but maybe her head would have been completely up her ass by then. Anyway, lucky that your brother spotted her and him, and thanks to your brother's character and integrity and love for you to do the right thing and tell you the awkward conversation about it. HUGE.

If other man six months down the line divorces his wife, and your wife moves in with other man, eventually the affair ends, eventually the "infatuation" phase ends, and doubtful there is ever a "true love" phase like the kind you had. But how long? And how much more difficult for you? Thank God your brother told you.

W, ­

Great post.­

I think you are managing to protect your­ kids in a good way, not just for the “t­ime apart” but since the beginning.

As I posted before, if at any moment you­ think, or suspect, that we are messing ­with your head, making you paranoid, you­ should stop reading at SI for a while o­r at least reduce the frequency. Neverth­eless at this point I strongly believe t­hat this is where you should be, not jus­t for reading and asking but for venting­, as much as you want or need. Getting a­ll the experience from the wonderful peo­ple at SI for each step you are going th­rough is invaluable.

I think all the advice given is good, we­ all are trying to help sharing our thou­ghts. None is right or wrong, each post ­is a new angle based on painful experien­ce with the intention of helping.

Try to enjoy yourself and try to heal, I­MO the less you think about this mess th­e greater perspective you are going to g­et. I am not saying to run away from you­r problems but to put them at rest and i­mprove yourself to be able to look at th­em with fresh eyes. This time apart will­ help you a lot to understand in depth t­he choice you need to make.

You should not worry about her reaching ­OM, not because she is not able but beca­use there is nothing you can do about it­. lMO playing the cop 24 for 7 is not a ­way of living. I am not saying you shou­ldn’t keep an eye on her, You should kee­p monitoring her internet and mobile doi­ngs, in fact wouldn’t be a bad idea to p­ut a VAR in her car and someplace at you­r home. Just deal with what you may foun­d when you are back.

Just an idea, have you told your wife ho­w devastating TT is? She may think is pr­otecting you, and herself, but from what­ I have read at SI and my own experience­ the damage could be so great that could­ make a difference. I know you want her ­to do it by her own but maybe just point­ her in the right direction about this m­atter, as you did with the player letter.

Good luck

Walloped, her seeking 3 days a week of IC is huge. This is only a tool. It will give her the professional framework needed to do the heavy lifting. She will need your support and love and you will needs hers as the process evolves. I think you therapist will be pleased tomorrow night at how far you have both come in 3 weeks. Continue to trust you gut and feed the good wolf. Continued prayers for healing from my family to yours.

Just think that you've really done well with all this.

Good idea for time off work and a trip away it will really do you good.

As for the phone call just tell her straight "it sounds odd, and it will be a poly question do you want to change your story".

Also make sure to tell her another poly question will be about N/C while you are away, doesn't matter whether your bluffing or not as long as she believes you.

All the best with the trip -chill and drink happy juice.

W,

Your wife is doing a lot of things right and seems to be at the very least heading for real remorse.

That said I think the point of broken NC is getting too much minimized. While it might be a minor bump in the road, it might also big a red flag signaling a much bigger problem underneath.

1. Bottom line: you said that breaking NC was a deal breaker, she did and nothing happened. While I understand the circumstances in which this happened, you still set a precedent showing that you will accept her crossing your boundaries giving no consequence. I hope not, but her confession of breaking NC might even be a "shit test" that you just failed. Important from now on: Never threaten anything you're not willing to enforce.

2. There's a pattern: her new number was misteriously known to her co volunteers, her sisters home phone was misteriously called by the OM just at the right moment.

3. This lost love is really fresh. Wait before you rule out she's actually trying to contact him, maybe to get what cheaters usually call "closure", it wouldn't be uncommon, and it caused the restart of many affairs. Also wait before you accept that your wife is disgusted by this man now, we've seen many good girls falling for "bad boys" or players. Consciously or not, that might have been part of the fascination she felt for him.

4. I'm not a big fan of separations, especially if one leans toward R, but I understand your need to free your mind.

I think you should find a way to monitor her behavior and NC while you're away. I feel your allies might not be completely loyal in this case (for your SIL because blood is thicker than water, and your daugthers might be afraid to endanger R if they report something)

Sorry if I brought up something that might aggravate your worries, but I feel these points should be considered.

Good luck

Sorry, errant finger on iPad...double post

[This message edited by jim1212 at 5:31 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

Broad strokes - I suspect your WW above all else wants her life to get back to "normal" and to a great degree that means predictability of your actions; predictability of her life. You should keep her in a state of dissonance. Do not create a "new normal"

A defined period away is predictable. Rather than moving out, I would consider not being (or being) home. Not predictably. Do not tell her where you will be or what you are doing. I would tell her that you must redefine your life post A.

Be gone a night (or few). Show up home unexpectedly. Do not call on a schedule. Do this as long as you need to.

Engage yourself in social interactions not restricted to men. Get some ego reinforcement from other women (in no way suggesting that you "chase" just crack the window you closed when you committed to your WW).

Doing this would give you some space while diminishing her freedom to do whatever she chooses with her time.

Walloped.....your story has me gobsmacked. My D-Day happened in 1991 and you took me there. I understand your confusion, your anger, your resolve.

I know me. I know when I agreed to marry someone, I loved completely, and without any reservation. I gave him my total trust, respect and honor...and got the same in return. I traveled a lot and could not be productive in my work life, worrying about my home life and I didn't have to worry, until the day doubt was introduced into our relationship.

What took time to realize, through the pain, disbelief and mendacity was..my fWH was a good man who did a bad thing that cost us our marriage. I could not live with the mistrust, doubt and disrespect his actions brought into the marriage. He was no longer the honorable, trustworthy man I married, and I would not settle for less.

What I finally came to grips with is that number 1, I was not a failure, the marriage failed, and it wasn't anything I did. Number 2, monitoring behavior and verifying actions was not the way I wanted have to treat a husband. Number 3, we have free will and choices in this world and you can only control your own..Number 4, I had to mourn and bury the life, love and marriage I had envisioned with this man to make me whole again. Doesn't mean it can't get stirred up at the mention of his name or thoughts of those times....and it's 1991 all over again.

What I'm offering I guess is the wisdom of time. You won't ever get over it...you'll get through it. Know that ultimately you can not control anyone's actions, (I believe that'd be like herding cats)...you can only control your reaction TO those actions... You will decide if you can live with a good woman who did a bad thing and changed the course of your lives, love and marriage...and you have all the time in the world to come to terms with it. You must find your center and you will find peace.

You are in my thoughts.....((((((((Walloped))))))))

you are right Nononsense. That is exactly what I was saying. Thanks for putting it into words better than I could have.

And Mike, I agree with much of what you have been saying, not all but much of it. I do disagree regarding the level of transparency and her priorities, as Eric has explained, but we'll all see soon enough what the deal is. The jury is still out. However, there are so many details in this thread and so many different interpretations that everyone is going to have their opinions. If some people think that Walloped has stated his intention to do something or think one way about it, and these people think he is making a big mistake based on their knowledge and experiences, I would believe they are being remiss in sitting back and shutting up. If I was Walloped, I would want to hear everything everyone had to say to get a full picture. He has been responding to most. He is a stand up guy. I do agree that you didn't name names. I also agree that people should be consistent.

What helps Walloped here is this board's civility.

[This message edited by Western at 6:24 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

her reaction to polygraph is a bit off. Not only this time but also in your previous talks.(Thanks to your detailed posts)

It is almost as if she pities you. That you ended up being the guy that is making his wife take a lie detector test.

What would you do if she fails it or the results come off as inconclusive ?

At this point, the only lies I see her telling are those that she told herself. Polys cannot recognize these kind of lies.

And I pretty much think this is a entitlement affair. Nothing is broken in her. She reacted pretty much rationally when you confronted her. She got out of the affair fog pretty fast. Unless you can call extreme selfishness broken-ness, I don't think anything was wrong.

Just think about her last call to him. She made a decision to stay with you for the family. She had no illusions about it. She will always treasure him and he will always be special but she needs to fix her marriage. Just like you are considering R for the kids. Only when she found out he was married(like she was) did she do a completee 180.

Actually if you think about it, when you two found out that OM was also married, that makes the OM and your wife of the same kind. Why was she so angry about it ? That he was with other women ? And when you two has the big talk, she was also very concerned that you would take revenge on her ?

This woman is a huge hypocrite. She couldn't bear her lover or her husband being with other women

[This message edited by kimichi at 6:42 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

I agree with Mike7 at 9:55 last night and Nononsense at 10:45 last night. Both very insightful.

Nononsense's last paragraph was what I was referring to yesterday when I was talking about monitoring her. I know that's not Walloped is concerned about now and I fully understand his desire to clear the mind. I think his trip to Arizona is a great idea. I simply don't want him to come back, start R and then find out that she broke NC again (as Italianjob referred to as closure). Then there will be DDay #2. Walloped is correct though that she's not in jail and he can't control much of it.

I hope the contact with his daughters that his WW will have will squash those fears as will a polygraph and she finds a way to be proactive in her own healing. I also hope in the end, he has legally protected himself

WK55 is correct. Those factors are huge.

Who knows what would have happened or how much longer the lie would have been lived.

This is why I like what Walloped did. Fast, proactive action. This can be done if one is analytical like Walloped is, uses the negative energy to work at the problem and be aggressive in stabilizing the situation to give oneself a chance to heal.

His WW breaking at 27 years is a mindfuck that is insane. He must keep the advantage now as his future decisions must be based on the truth

Your wife, discussing the concept of absolute no contact, with her therapist tonight would be a real positive in light of you going out of town. A new stable foundation can never be built without it. No wavering. Your goal as bigger said is TO GET OUT OF INFIDELITY! She needs to thoroughly understand why this is not negotiable. Prayers from my family to yours for the hope of healing.

The minute she was caught she dumped the OM. At the time, she was certain he loved her. He wanted her to leave W. She thought he was single. And she thought he was wealthy. And despite all this she dumped him immediately.

I don't think that was what happened. She was distraught but she did not dump OM immediately. The affair, even tough pretty intense was too short for her to make this decision to leave her husband. But she was definitely justifying, rationalizing the affair to some extent and looking for support to her actions before her sister(SIL) slapped her with reality. And the final dumping only happened when she realized he was also lying to her when she talked to his wife.

She was definitely justifying it. Even in her big talk, when she told her reasons to Walloped, she must have believed them at some point. And we can assume what she actually thought was a much more harsher version of what she told Walloped/

[This message edited by kimichi at 7:05 AM, August 26th (Wednesday)]