SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you even think that there is a possibility of divorce, Do Not Go Get a better paying job. Just don't. All that will accomplish is her asking for more child/spousal support for you because of your improved circumstances. Shelf that idea until you know which way it's going to go. And if she doesn't get her head out of her ass soon, I very much fear that you're going to have to file so that you can protect your assets (which she is likely spending on her OM) and protect your children.

Look, she lost her right to any privacy, ie secrecy, when she went out and betrayed you. What she wants is literally less than a passing breeze. What YOU wanted was a faithful wife. Well, so much for wanting....

I'm going to pile on to the advice that you've been given previously. You cannot, CANNOT nice her back. Standing on your back feet, finding your anger, and setting down rigid boundaries for what you will or will not accept is the only way. You really do have to risk losing your marriage to possibly save it. Because right now, like it or not, you are living in an open marriage, and you are her Plan B whose "job" is to keep providing her with a comfortable, stable home life, so she can go chase her fantasies. She is sitting real pretty on her fence, stringing you along and still doing who she pleases. Knock her off of that fence. You get full access to all her electronic devices and social media, she gets into IC to try to figure out why she thought that going out and screwing random guys would improve her marriage intimacy, and she becomes transparent and accountable for her actions. Or you serve her with divorce papers, asking for sole use of the house and the maximum child custody legally possible.

Being strong, even when you don't feel strong, is the only way to get a WS to pay attention. Yeah, they might leave. So what? They aren't there for you anyway, mentally, physically, or emotionally. Better to have the rotting corpse out of the house than to leave it stinking in the living room.

It seems she has been looking for sex with other men for quite some time. it is likely that she has been with more than one other guy. But maybe you are lucky in that you found her before she could hook up more.

First, obviously, she needs to No Contact the men AND her toxic cheating girlfriend. The "girls nights out" have to stop. her drinking has to stop unless you are 5 feet away from her the whole night. Maybe she needs Alcoholics Anonymous sessions. she has to give you ALL the passwords to any devices or social media she uses.

it seems like if you do all that AND start having good marital sex again, you should be able to get her back. The obvious question is: do you really want her back.

If you keep her sober, and she comes to her senses and begs you for forgiveness....that would be a good sign. If she remains belligerent, does not give you passwords, you have a gut feeling she is screwing with your mind...well then a R is not going to e successful.

Earlier today I was disagreeing with you guys. But I went through records again today and it appears the rabbit hole goes deeper. I think she has been talking to OM longer than she said. But I've also uncovered a possible emotional affair with the previous guy she had dated. I think I will be making some phone calls tomorrow to these OM. I want to explode but I'm going to try to wait it out until I get some definite answers. I don't want explode and have her continue to lie. Just when I was starting to feel better I feel like shit again.

Do not call these men, your not going to get the desired outcome from them. Like your WW they are going to lie and minimize and as soon as you hang up he is going to call your WW. And its very possible that they have been in touch and have concocted a story between them. The assholes may even become insulting and condescending leading you to become angry and possibly violent, both of which you don't need right now. Best to be in stealth mode to gather indisputable evidence for when you confront her and lower the boom. And when you do make sure you leave her no wiggle room to attempt to talk, blame or excuse her way out of what she has been doing. Its time to get tough my man. You need to insert some reality into this fantasy life your WW has been living, expose her for the cheat she is, toss her ass to the curb and tell her to go to these OM. Watch how fast these assholes toss her to the curb because they never wanted her to begin with. Sure they wanted to get laid with no strings attached and on another mans dime, but now that she is available they will drop her like a bad habit.

Forcing her to live with the consequences of her actions is the only way to protect yourself from future harm, it also gives her possible motivation to change her ways and see exactly how and slutty her life has become. Its imperative you make her live with what comes of her poor boundaries and decisions. Right now she is high on the affairs and getting away with it, the endorphins are flying and she is feeling no pain. You need to pull her head out of her ass and make her accountable for her actions, don't try and save her, don't try and be her protector. Let her live this and feel every ounce of pain that her piss poor decisions have caused everyone. You can not change her brother, she needs to do this herself. You cant not reason with her, talk her or nice her into change. She must want to do it herself and the motivation I mentioned is just the way to go. Now this does not mean she will accept her sins and want to change, sometimes a WS goes ape shit crazy and dives head on into the pool. But the point in this is while she does what she is going to do, you become stronger, wiser and that much further along in your own healing. You must take charge of this situation and run with it, there can be no negotiations, no deals of any kind. Things must be as you demand and that's it. I pray you find the strength to do what's needed. This is going to get worse before it gets better, plan for it and deal with what comes as it comes.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 4:34 AM, December 12th (Friday)]

Listen to stronger08. He knows what he's talking about.

And don't contact the other men. Contact their wives.

Like stronger stated, do not contact these men. Just continue to gather information.

Look, I know that your head is spinning. I also know that you are clinging onto the hope of being able to reconcile. These feelings and fears are 100% normal for someone who has suffered such a cruel betrayal. And that is why this site is so valuable---we have all been there, and can offer you sterling advice on how to move forward.

Your wife is a wayward. Period. She has not only cheated, but is still in a wayward mindset. She is literally a pod person---not the woman that you fell in love with. And she is projecting all her faults and self-loathing onto you. Sure, you could have been a better husband---we can ALL be better spouses. But you were in this unhappy marriage also, and you didn't cheat. Why is that? Is it because your moral compass is not broken? You can see that hers is way out of whack---correct?

Part of her wayward "strength" right now, is that she is in *control*. She isn't in love with you, and has thought about leaving if it wasn't for the children. This is bullshit with a capital B. If she is so right about her cause, why is it a secret? Why did you have to discover this? Do you think that staying out all night, with an infant and a toddler, is proper behavior? It just goes to how screwed up her thinking is.

You have to take back control of your life. Ultimatums mean nothing if they are not enforced, so do not make threats that you are not willing to back up---but know that you have to work towards these goals. Honesty, transparency, No Contact with other men---these are all things that should be freely offered between partners in a healthy marriage. And if she isn't willing to give you these, you really need to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life with someone that you do not trust. But you already know that answer---it just takes time for your heart to catch up with your head.

So what should your immediate priorities be?

Start reclaiming your life. See a lawyer right away, if only for a consultation. Knowledge is power, and you need as much as you can get. Read up, and implement the 180 that is mentioned here. Understand that it is simply and emotional detachment tool, so when you put a little distance between you and your wife, you will see things clearer for what they really are.

Watch her actions, as these will tell you what she really wants. She may say that she wants counseling, but her behaviors are what tell the story. Craig2001 stated that your wife is pessimistic because she is still in the affair mentality. He is spot on. And as long as she is, she is not of reconcilable material. And you need to treat her as such, meaning that if she isn't working on saving the marriage, you need to work on terminating it.

Remember, the goal here is to survive infidelity, not how to guarantee a successful reconciliation, or a happy divorce. All of this sucks, but you can get through this...and be happy again. And it starts with you simply standing up for what is right.

Hey man, I know everyone at this moment is entitled to some mistakes, but listen, don't call the other men. At least wait and get some perspective. If you really want to save the marriage you have to be tougher with your wife. You are giving her the option of coming back to you. Don't be an option, be a man. She fucked up, and you are the one that is doing the work to save your marriage. That isn't going to work. 180. Read about it here. Sometimes to save a marriage you have to let it go. Be tough with her. And make her move out. She choose to cheat on your family, she can leave, she doesn't want to leave tell her whole fucking family why she needs to stay wig them. Then maybe she will. And criticism from her family, combine with not being in the same house with her kids, and her feeling like she is loosing her option with you will do more than trying to nice your marriage back together. She is still having an affair. It's that simple. If she's not completely transparent with you but leading you on with uncertainties about what she wants, take away the only option you have the power to take away. You. Save yourself. You are only going to get more hurt going down the path you are on.

It is completely unreasonable to respect her wish for privacy in regards to the affair and the phone when she is not transparent or wants to be separated. Privacy will do nothing for you or your marriage.

Calling these OM could confuse you more than you are. Do you really think they are going to come out and tell you the entire truth. They are going to lie and spin.

So you are going to be left with three or so people lying to you instead of one. Three stories to unravel instead of one.

Do everything you can to get the entire truth on your own. Dig into her electronics, ask a tech friend, hire a PI.

Listen to what you are hearing here JW.

These people were right about there being more to the story than you knew right? That's because we've all lived it.

Listen to our advice. It will save you unnecessary pain and suffering.

See a lawyer NOW! 180 NOW! Tell her nothing, she is the enemy now. She fucked another man, and she won't hesitate to fuck you legally.

The woman you loved is gone. She may come back, she may not. You may not want her then anyway. I don't want mine. Protect yourself.

ETA: I hate to say it, but prepare to learn that there are multiple OM... especially if she's been spending time with a cheater friend. It's probably best if you assume the worst.

Don't go to her for comfort. Be a man. Come here for comfort, or a close friend IRL. She doesn't give a fuck about you right now. She only cares about herself.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 9:21 AM, December 12th (Friday)]

JWB

The anger you are feeling, the emotions in all directions, the pain of it all is normal under the circumstances.

It is natural to be more angry with the OM (men), than your wife. Many of us felt the same way. It is easy to think that these guys took advantage of your WW, duped her and stole the exclusivity of your marriage. Fact is they never had any agreement with you, they may not have known about you. Your WW likely lied to them as well. She is the person who spoke those vows to you, declared herself yours and yours alone. She is the one who needs to fix herself, and the situation. She won't as long as she continues her fantasy and feels there are no consequences to her infidelity.

I am on board with the others, don't contact the OM, contact their wives. Start taking action and show her you do not accept other men in your marriage. Do not warn your wife about contacting these wives, she will find out soon enough.

Gain strength and support from the many BS's in this forum.

Hey JW,

I have been reading your thread and felt the need to reply since I saw so many similarities in our situations. We were the "perfect" couple from the outside looking in. My wife is gorgeous. We have 2 great kids. Guess what?? I too am on the wrong end of the stick of the infamous girls night out. Mine was girls night out that led to girls weekend that led to my WW hooking up with a complete stranger for a ONS then continuing to stay in contact and planning a return trip to see each other again before it was caught.

I know it probably feels like an avalanche of advice bashing your wife right now. If you are like me your first response is likely to defend her, even though you know she has just betrayed you. Right away, I took responsibility for not being the greatest husband, being too stressed about work, etc. DON'T DO IT. It backfires every time. She felt she was off the hook and assumed the position of power. It stayed that way until the day that I hit 180 mode (thanks SI) then it all started to change for the better.

There is NO doubt that she is not telling you everything. I got all of the sordid details over a period of weeks and months and with each new piece of info I was still trying to convince myself she was telling the truth and that was all of it.

Take nothing she says as truth right now. Question and verify everything, including the condom use. If every cheater on this site who swore they used them actually did so, there would be a latex shortage. Sadly most do not, especially when alcohol is involved. Get tested and demand she do so as well.

Lastly, I tracked down and contacted the OM in another state. I say go for it but stay smart and legal about it. It is not the right call in all cases but it is your call. For me it felt pretty good to put the screws to him, out him to his wife and his friends and make him sweat. It the the end though he is still just a meaningless POS and contacting him did not change anything for me.

Stay strong and good luck to you.

This particular friend that she goes out with often (not all the time) she has told me she had multiple affairs on her husband. This is her best friend from high school.

JWbetrayed23, the OMs are not your focus of your anger. That best friend of hers is who you should be extra careful about. If what you know is true about her "side activity" then that is who is coaching your WW into this betrayal. However, understand that your WW still made the choice to follow her "best" friend's advice. Also know that if she can tell your WW how to have affairs, she can also tell her how to get an atorney and draw up a decree to maximize her take on the property and custody. She has probably been well coached into how to manipulate and gas light you, so believe nothing your WW says and watch her actions instead.

I highly suggest you get a good divorce attorney right now and get familiar with the process and your rights. I would also suggest you go ahead and have him draw up the decree to maximize your rights to the community property and custody of the kids. Even though Texas is no fault state, it couldn't hurt to go ahead and file stating infidelity as the reason and see if your lawyer can subpoena your WW's best friend. That may scare the shit out of her friend and get her to throw your WW under the bus, because if her friend is involved with your D then its possible her own BH is going to take notice and maybe get inspired by your filing D. Hell, you want to contact the other OMs? Send them a subpoena. They will back WAY the hell off your situation.

Whatever you do, the most important thing is to take a stand. R isn't even a concept for your WW to grasp unless you blow this A up.

Thanks guys I think you might be right (even more devastated). I've still been going through the deleted messages that I have recovered and they are disturbing. I'm going to keep gathering info and try to get through the Christmas holidays and then go from there. I just hope I'll have the strength to start my 180 and not let my emotions show around her. From what I have found and the way she is acting I think this might head to D, at least before it would ever lead to R. I plan to find attorneys next week. I haven't been niceing her for the last 2 days.

Good luck and stay 180'ing.

One tactic is to do the free/low-cost consultation with _all_ of the best divorce attorneys in town.

Then she can't use them because it would be a conflict of interest as you've already consulted them.

Mean, but you have to look out for yourself since she quit looking out for you and the M.

Good luck.

I'm sorry brother.

Strength.

Please, read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 and protect yourself!

Best wishes

Good for you. I'm glad to hear you stopped trying to nice her back. That's a huge first step.

What's your plans for the Hollidays? Are you going to play happy family. That's gonna suck. Eventually the cat will be out of the bag. And the Hollidays are already ruined for you. I'd ask her family for the only gift you really want right now. Your wife back. Ask if they can help you. Let them know you want to work this out but it's not gonna happen till she ends her affairs. You need their help. Call them and ask.

Don't worry about your WS getting angry. You didn't know what else to do. Her mom and Dad getting involved might snap her out of it. What do you have to loose that you haven't already lost.

We've all been where you are. Im glad your starting to take some of our advise. We do it because we care.

"This particular friend that she goes out with often (not all the time) she has told me she had multiple affairs on her husband. This is her best friend from high school."

well, that is easy to fix! call up her cheating GF's husband and have an eye opening conversation with him. That will throw a monkey wrench into their cheaters coffee klatch

Thanks for the advice. Her friend that has affairs. Her husband probably wouldn't care to much as he is a cheater too. I believe they're just raising they're son. And they live very seperate lives. Her mom and all siblings know. And they're mad at her. But her mom just wants to see her happy so she suggested to seperate. Of course they don't know the whole story and I also haven't confronted her about what else I have found. As no have mentioned. She comes from a dysfunctional family where her mom would leave/seperate to get away from her father. So I don't think they will be very helpful in this situation. Although I will eventually tell her dad, she respects him and that would make her uncomfortable if he knew. Also I have been telling people I'm not gonna put myself in pain for her mistakes.

Honestly there has always been a bit of a disconnect between us and I have often thought about divorce or not being with her (didn't feel respected). We used to joke that I would have to stay with her because no one else could put up with her. But now I'm kind of not scared to leave her.

It's still tough I'm stuck in the "should I stay or should I go?" I will soon know when I confront her about the info I have found. I think I will do it next MC session.

I have been thinking of deal breakers.

1. She must confess all about the info I have found by the end of the year.

2. She must try atleast 2 sessions of IC and soon and with feedback.

3. Her phone and all data I have access too.

4. No more girls nights or hanging with her friend. Unless im there. And no confiding in past dates or opposite sex.

5. If other affairs surface after she comes clean (if she commits to it).

6. She gets checked for STDs (soon) and sex returns in a few months.

Failure will result in D. I will consult lawyers next week as I already looked and have been asking recommendations. Thanks guys.