SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OM was there with his son. Saw us after and left.

You own him now. If it was real "luuurv", then why did he leave? Not even a word or so much as a wave your way. Him and his boy just vacated the premises.

For the most part, that's all you have to do. Every chance this roid-monkey is in the vicinity just give him the eye contact and stare him down. Watch him change directions, pretend he suddenly has another direction to go or suddenly distracted by a phantom phone call and look away, all just to plain avoid you. It'll start to become himorous, and each time you draw emotional strength from that.

I think he fears if there was an opportunity where you both suddenly find each other someplace with no one else around you might go total ape shit on him.

For the time being, hold your head up high in public and let the A-hole worry about you for a change. Now, just focus on whether your wife wants to follow through on the hard work of convincing you that R might be worth it.

M Taylor

I susally agree with what jduff says, but on this one I disagree. I think a POS like this guy is for sure going to try to meet up with your wife at the gym and try to test her interest again.

I know you are weary, but you can help yourself if you use the VAR and spyware , all of it you can use, so that you do not get blindsided again.

She cannot not understand how uncomfortable it is going to be for you to sit at home and have her go up to that gym and be in such close proximity to him. And she has lost the right to be upset at you for not wanting that.

Oh no, she'll never set foot in that gym again. We got that cleared up fast. Or at least that's the agreement. We got a family membership at a gym in a town about 15 miles away (town I work in) and that's the only one we'll use.

Today was hard....He came back later to let his kid ride the rides at the festival, but never came close to her. I didn't do the stare-down thing or try to mark my territory. Honestly guys, I'm so volatile right now that if he bowed up or talked shit I would be hard pressed to not use extreme measures....I don't want to throw my life away but I'm not sure I could stop myself. So I'm doing my best to keep myself in line...Keeping the guns locked up, laying off the alcohol, etc.

Hardest part of the day was when we got home. She apologized for putting me in that awkward position (which is fine) and said she was embarrassed and humiliated (which is fine). But then she said that she felt "really pressured" which was not fine. I told her that was ridiculous....That the only pressure on her was the decision-making process that took place 3 weeks ago. To decide what she wanted....That or this. Her decision was supposedly made, and that choice was to be my wife, and ALL the requirements that come along with that title. She agreed again and said that "pressured" wasn't the right word....But Ya know....I still see that distance in her eyes every so often....That "fog" we hear so much about, and it scares the shit out of me.

My wife...I wish I could show you guys why this is so unbelievable....She has been my moral compass for 15 years. She has been the single most powerful source of GOODNESS in my life. She is compassionate, loving, considerate, and before A few weeks ago I would have said unquestionably LOYAL person I've ever met. I look at her laying there sleeping now and I can't wrap my mind around this person doing these things. It's like a massive hole has been ripped in the fabric of my reality and what I thought was a pillar of my existence is just fucking crumbling.

I wonder if she's in there somewhere....If she ever existed at all....If I built my life on lies and deception. Y'all are right, there sure don't seem to be any easy answers.

You won't know. Treat that wife as though she were dead and buried. You have a new person now, one you may or may not want to be married to. You have to figure that out. Even if she does everything right you may decide you don't want to be married to her, or you might. It's simply too early for you to know. You won't trust her for a long time, and probably never will completely trust her. That's a sad result of her choice.

She's got to figure out what led her to OM. Unless and until,that happens, you will remain uncertain. You're not in R, you're at a truce.

Mtaylor

I think you said you wife does not work; which was how he found her at the garden. He knows where you live. My guess is she had sex with him at his house, which is why you need to put a GPS on her car. It will tell you if she goes to that health club again, or if she goes near his house. I know that is not pleasant but this has only occurred three weeks ago and you absolutely cannot just be passive.

Also, n a small town like that, there are bound to be other activities that involve your child that your wife would normally attend without you, just like she thought you would not be there today. You cannot allow that to happen if these activities are something he might be at win his son.

I know this sucks, but if you put your head in the sand you may get kicked in the gut again. She has said the right things so far, but she also told you she liked the sex with him, and you know all he had to do was show up and two days later she was in bed with him. As a single guy in a small town with mostly married people around I will bet you cash money he is going to try to bed her again.

But stop focusing your anger on him. You MUST direct your anger, hard as it is, at your wife for damaging your life. She did not say no. And no matter what he does, if this affair rekindles itself it will be your wife that let's it happen. I am sorry to say you still cannot trust her. So please do not even consider ruining your life with violence over even her.

If you are still feeling the fog in her eyes, your gut is usually right. And you can also be sure her POS friend who helped start this will be telling your wife how cool she thinks it was.

The bottom line is you are in for a lot of anxiety and worry no matter what happens and you can thank her for that.

So a PLEASE STOP directing your emotions at him.

Focus on watching her

Mtaylor, I truly feel for you. Those first few months are the worst! And your disbelief that the wife you knew and loved, the one who was so sweet and good and generous and kind, could do something so blatantly cruel is understandable. I was never naive enough to think my WH--especially after his SA diagnosis--wouldn't be tempted by another woman, but to actually break vows and cheat? To hurt me/us like that? To commit such a sin? To not just plain divorce me? The only people I knew who had been exposed to infidelity were ones who led fast lives, hard lives, entitled lives. Not real people. Like us.

Anyway, the push/pull of "spying" on your WS is a struggle. Those of us who are navigating R (I hardly dare say that) have found--for us--a middle ground. Here are a couple pointers. First, whether you EVER check up on your WW or not, she MUST be willing to be transparent. Looking at her e-mails, reading her texts, tracking her in her car aren't as important as her agreeing to let you do it, her understanding that that is important and necessary. You don't have to open that gift; she just has to give it. Make sense? Second, now that that part is clear--and it must come first--you DO need to occasionally check up on her. The idea isn't even necessarily to check up on her as much as it is to REBUILD trust. If she tries, faithfully, for months and months to do no wrong, to be transparent, to call and text and maintain NC, to send photos when she's away from you, to spend time mainly with you individually or as a family, and you've never, ever verified her comings and goings and doings, how will you ever learn to trust her? You NEED to see that she isn't deleting texts or e-mails, you NEED to see that she went to the grocery store after work, bought stamps at the post office, dropped clothes off at the dry cleaners, then came home (and her verbal story matches the phone tracking), you NEED to see what she's spending money on, you NEED to know that she's avoided the other gym like the plague it is. This doesn't need to be done every day or even every week. But it needs to be done often enough to build your security in your partnership.

How do you make sure you aren't being taken advantage of? You trust your gut (you ignored it before, because you trusted her, but you won't anymore). As long as there are no red flags and nothing questionable about her behavior, don't worry about it. Worry, instead, about doing your part to heal the M. She has the bulk of the work, but if you want to repair your M, then you have to accept her humble offerings. She needs to know forgiveness is possible. If there's no hope, then, well, there's no goal, no direction, no cause, no purpose. And you'll both fail.

Fog is fog. It's horrible. For me, it may be the worst part of this whole mess. If you feel she's being foggy, call her on it. But don't dwell on it. For some (few?), the fog clears immediately; for others, it burns off slowly. Concentrate on your IC, on your kids, on your wife's positive steps (no matter how small), on yourself (TLC is necessary after trauma), on your family time. In time, if she's truly committed to you and to your M, her mind will clear. She'll become more and more aware of what she did and how horrible it was. Right now--especially if she's as sweet as you said she was--she might be shielding her own psyche from the viciousness of her actions. It's too painful otherwise. I watch my SLAWH (truly a broken person) completely caught up in the shame and guilt of what he's done. Healing will be a long, long time for us. Yours need not be that convoluted a journey because your issues aren't, possibly, as deep.

Good luck. I'll be pulling for you and your family!

We have a lot of similarities. My WW is also the sweet one. Friends with everybody, always willing to lend a hand, always pitching into help. Everybody just loves her. I think one of the reasons she was so against getting a divorce is that she didn't want everyone to know she was the one that wrecked the marriage. It wasn't until after I discovered the affair that she confessed to me she had never been faithful in any of her relationships. There are still times I wish I had gotten a divorce (DD was over 5 years ago). The affair still bothers me. Sometimes I'll go months and not think about her affair, but still think about it. Sometimes I think the only way for me to get past it is to get a divorce. My wife has been a very wonderful wife since the affair. I have no complaints. Yet still?

Just out of curiosity.....Did any of y'all respond to the affair by having one yourself relativlely soon? There is a woman who works with me who has made it clear for years that she's available should I ever find myself wife-less. She's hot, fun, and 10 years younger than me.....There would be a sort of poetic justice there.

I just don't know that I have it in me. Little guy on my shoulder wearing a halo says true love is true love and can (and will) conquer all.....And that if I answer a negative action with another negative action it will only hurt me more in the long run.

Fella with the pitchfork on my other shoulder says other things.

Just wondering....

It is usually a bad idea. It would give your wife much more leverage and for every demand you make of her like NC, transparency, etc, she would just turn it around on you.

Going out and having a revenge affair would not be the same. For you, there would be a purpose and it would be preplanned. Would your wife be hurt, probably, but 1/10 of the hurt she caused you.

Because you were completely blindsided with her affair and lies. It would then be a marriage of tit for tat.

Mtaylor

Craig just gave you good advice. If you go do this with other woman you will lose out. You don't care about the OW bit your wife liked banging bozo. She would then just use your actions to start up again

So two things you should NOT do

(1) Revenge affair

(2) Blow POS OM head off- stay away from that idea

Devote all your energy to making she you have read this right and that she complies with your conditions for R.

And I am still advising you to snoop. If she goes near that health club or his house you have big time problems but you have to know. A lot of WW still in fog contact OM again under excuse of "needing more closure ". Then they wind up in bed again

Just out of curiosity.....Did any of y'all respond to the affair by having one yourself relativlely soon? There is a woman who works with me who has made it clear for years that she's available should I ever find myself wife-less. She's hot, fun, and 10 years younger than me.....There would be a sort of poetic justice there.

Well now you have additional confirmation that you weren't the reason for the A (it's not your physique), and that you can still attract a woman these days. Yes, it's a great boost for your ego and self esteem, but I highly advised against a revenge A. Consider this, where is this coworkers own boundaries and respect for your marriage? You said this was such an incestuous town you live in and you want no part of it's form of ethics, so don't partake in it with this coworker.

Mtaylor

Just checking to see how you are doing

Yes, it's a great boost for your ego and self esteem

No…

There is an old Inuit/eskimo saying that goes something like “Don’t pee on your hands to get warm because wet hands will freeze”. Basically it’s warning against short-term gain because there will be long-term consequences. By giving in to an urge to have a revenge affair you are lowering yourself to the level where momentarily physical gratification outweighs long-term moral and ethical values.

Imagine you see an old lady with a walker struggle at getting the bank-doors open. You see she drops an envelope but doesn’t notice. You pick up the envelope and see it contains a lot of money. Would you run off and book that Hawaii holiday? Think you would enjoy that holiday? Think you would look at the photos and think how lucky and fortunate you were that you saw this old woman? Frankly – if you answer this rhetorical question with a yes then there isn’t anyone of us can do for you.

But that’s your revenge affair. Short-term gain but long-term suffering.

One thing you and WW should be open on is accountability.

Where did they meet (as in where did they go to chat, have coffee and then sex)?

It should be a given that she offers you assurances that this isn’t ongoing. That’s not stalking, nor being overcautious. It’s simply common sense.

Does your WW realize that she isn’t the first? Could your friend name the other families/women?

Morning everyone. I appreciate your concern....Cool to see. Crazy that I have a group of people I've never actually met helping me through this and 99% of my "in person" friends have no clue what I'm going through.

Weekend was 60/40 good to bad. After the awkwardness of the 4th Festival and the BS with her feeling "pressured" by having us both there, things pretty much settled down and we fell into a pattern that felt nice, assuming of course it was real.

We had a very long talk Saturday night about our relationship in general. She apologized for a lot of things, but the basic point of the discussion was that she is terrified of getting older, feels less attractive now that she can no longer have children, and was sucked in by the fact that someone younger, fitter, and more attractive was doting on her and actively pursuing her. It validated her, pushed the years back a little, and made her feel "special" and young again.

Hurt to hear, because those aren't things I can really combat. I honestly had no idea her fear of getting older was this bad, that she was this vain, or was this shallow. She came right out and told me that she KNOWS how much I love her and because of that she thinks she doesn't have to try as hard to keep me....That there's no real reason to get fixed up or look sexy or try to be especially attractive. She knows I think she's beautiful when she wakes up in the morning and has no makeup on....And when she's asleep drooling on her pillow. She says she loves that, and appreciates that, but it's not EXCITING and INVIGORATING and SEXY. Stupid ass me...I always thought that was a blessing and exactly what a wife wanted.

She knows she did wrong, but I think her justification for doing that wrong thing is still acceptable in her head. I stopped working on how I look about 5 years ago....Ballooned up to 217 lbs, stopped exercising, etc. let laziness take over. That hurt us too in a way. Whether I think it's shallow or not, she has a basic need for a physically attractive spouse....So I dropped the ball there, not knowing it was an important one.

So now it's Monday....We still live in a small town, he's still on the periphery, she is still adamant that she wants to be with me, and I'm still trying to figure out what's best. He sent her a facebook friend request Saturday and she denied it. We talked about her confusing flattery and lust for genuine emotion....Other than that he hasn't really come up. I am still very much on guard and will remain so. Still debating the mobilespy stuff.....Still hurting....Still wondering if there's someone inside of her that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Not planning on shooting anyone today. Not planning on crying today. Got up, worked out, showered and came to work. Weighed 190lbs this AM and body feels better than it has in years. Just going to focus on the good and try not to let the next (inevitable) speedbump through me off.

MTaylor

Sorry. IMO . Big Res flag here especially in small town. She denied his FB request but she still feels upset about getting older and you cannot change that. She needs IC to get her out of the need for external validation.

He is actively disrespecting you now and throwing down the gauntlet by attempting to revive the A. You CANNO t allow this and the way to stop it is to have her out in writing that he is NOT to attempt to contact her again or she will file stalking charges.

This cannot come for you but from her. If she refuses to do that you will never know when she is in a frame of mind where she weakens. You better not get complacent . I knew he would try to contact her. The only reason on July 4 was you were there.

You need to beware. He is not giving up and you cannot with her issues just hope it stops on its own

MTaylor

Sorry. IMO . Big Res flag here especially in small town. She denied his FB request but she still feels upset about getting older and you cannot change that. She needs IC to get her out of the need for external validation.

He is actively disrespecting you now and throwing down the gauntlet by attempting to revive the A. You CANNO t allow this and the way to stop it is to have her out in writing that he is NOT to attempt to contact her again or she will file stalking charges.

This cannot come for you but from her. If she refuses to do that you will never know when she is in a frame of mind where she weakens. You better not get complacent . I knew he would try to contact her. The only reason on July 4 was you were there.

You need to beware. He is not giving up and you cannot with her issues just hope it stops on its own

So do I suggest she write him a letter, tell her she HAS to write him a letter, tell her that it would be BEST for US for her to write him a letter, or just let her figure it out herself?

Because I know how my wife's mind works, and if she writes him a letter it will be as kind as can possibly be, apologizing for hurting him and telling him how wonderful and sweet he was, rather than simply saying "I made a horrible mistake, underestimated my husband, and was weak. I love my husband and do not want to see or speak to you again."

I can't write it for her. Dr. Harley's book has a decent template form, but I don't know that she'll be willing to use it.

Suggestions?

There is a woman who works with me who has made it clear for years that she's available should I ever find myself wife-less. She's hot, fun, and 10 years younger than me.....There would be a sort of poetic justice there.

Does your WW know about this already?

The fact that you haven't acted on this offer shows the difference in integrity. Your WW used your excuses to justify. She invalidated your love and admiration and somehow made OM's more valuable. He actively pursued a married woman. That's messed up so what on God's green Earth makes the attention from someone like that so appealing? Nothing unless you're looking at it in the most superficial manner possible.

I re-read the beginning of this thread. You took a lot blame for things in the M. Everything she claimed were reasons for the A were not. They were reasons to either seek MC or D. Funny how she never let you know about all of these issues.

MTaylor

I guarantee that if your wife was not pissed that he tried this that she deep down is still flattered. You cannot allow this to continue.

First , did she tell you about the FB request or did you find it?

I would flat out ask her why she was not pissed at him. Remember , she was sorry for hurting him .

You write the letter and make her send it. It has to in luxe consequences for him if he persists that can cause him trouble so. I would consult your attorney.

You need to go on JFO and read the thread labeled 12 Weeks. By Onguard. His wife's affair started with a gym affair, she did not work, and he did not snoop. Look at the result.

That can happen to you.

You also need to change her cell number so he cannot text her or.call her and change her FB. And you tell her if her ducking friend gives him her phone number again that you will consider that cheating so she better tell her friend that they are no longer friends of that happens

The purpose of all of this is not only to give you some piece of mind when you leave the house, but to get it out of her head that you are accepting her reasons for cheating on you

MTaylor

Your wife is still in the fog a little.

She actually thinks this OM who is 10 years younger than her is into her.

I think you should get across to her a few fats.

A. The OM has banged plenty of married women before her. She is not unique.

B. The OM is not looking for a wife, especially one with kids. He just wants a fuck buddy.

C. And last but least you deserve to be happy. Get the idea across to her that you can easily replace her with someone younger and easily start all over again while you leave her with the kids.

Ask her if that is what she wants? Because if she says no then she a lot of work to do on herself, her issues and your marriage.

Show her consequences.

And do not ever be afraid to move on without her.

Because you will be fine.

HM