SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AA - thank you for your openness about the consequences of your As. Even when the BS moves on, you want to believe that you were loved despite such betrayal. It helps to understand that it is the damage inside of a WS, not the BS that was the reason for the A. I hope that you find healing. Infidelity is a tragedy for everyone involved.

Can I share an older tale of karma?

My mom M her final OM. He had been a BH in his first M. I remember when we were living with him, he was upset about paying CS when apparently his two boys blood type didn't match up with him or his xWW.

Mom had her tubes untied for him and they had two kids. The first, my half brother was named after stepdad's best friend. Apparently there was serious question as to whether his was actually the BF's child.

Their M lasted less than 10yrs. They D, mom moved back to her home state, he moved to his (virtually other side of the country) state. He ignored the two kids he had with mom. Then he ended up with MS and wanted the kids to reconnect and they have refused.

As for mom, she has spent the past 20+ years mooching off of various friends. She has lost pretty much all our childhood mementoes because she gets a place to live, stays there for awhile, then stops paying rent until she comes home to find herself locked out and evicted.

She lives an online life, pretending to be at least ten years her junior. She has asked through the years if dad would ever take her back. That leaving him was a mistake.

Oh, and she looks older than she is, like the crazy with lady with missing teeth that lives with too many cats.

I don't believe in karma per se, but I do believe that if you don't deal with your issues you keep reaping what you sow. If you're selfish and entitled, eventually you take so much people refuse to give. If you treat people like they're an option, they eventually opt out on you.

I agree with dreamboat: “I am not sure I would call it karma. I think it is more just consequences of very poor decisions.” And my WHs decisions have had and will have some far-reaching consequences for him for years to come. If we stay together, they will also affect me and our DD. He fucked up big time.

He’s being sued for 6 figures because of an accident he had with OW. He’s probably going to end up paying it. This has happened in a time of our lives when our house is almost paid off, which worked out well with DD going off the college in the fall. Nothing about the situation makes me feel good that “he got his.” Nothing. I’d just like to kick his ass to Timbuktu because of his asinine decisions. He knows how stupid he’s been and he gets to live with that every day.

LisaBrandNew is right about infidelity being a tragedy for everyone involved.

"Pride goeth befor the fall" and sticks around long after.

If my XW has regrets, she keeps them to herself. She is living for nothing, going through the motions of being Mom to our three kids during the alternate weeks she has them, drinking herself stupid, partying and going to country music concerts virtually every night in her two-bedroom apartment.

All this takes it toll on a 53-year old. Everyone from her former life, including our children, sees that she's some sort of shell of a person. But she will not, cannot acknowledge it herself. She says that she's happy. I guess that's what counts, even as she looks ever more haggard.

Staying 180 from her is all I can do to do the best for our kids and not look at what she's become.

I'm sure one day he will seem very happy (or want me to believe he is), but he will still be living within the confines of an unexamined life. A life lacking in integrity and character. Just living and breathing that way for the rest of his life could be viewed as the ultimate karma.

Well said.

Twat now deals with his crap. She knows exactly what she has and it makes me smile. He is still playing the same games with her and is a coward.

He isn't the man he pretended to be with me.

His health has been in decline for years and now only worse. If he doesn't keep Twat, who would want a sick old man ?

He does what he wants and when he wants but he doesn't have unconditional love or me. Doubtful he regrets much because his self entitlement gets in the way of having true feelings.

FT and Twat's Karma is they have to live with each other.

That is good enough for me.

gma

Well my mom and dad Divorced because my dad was a WS. He had an affair with a 16 year old when he was 40!! Yep she was huge an stanked up the place. Nasty.. My mom was slender and gorgeous compared to her. He walked away from me my brother and my mom. Well he died a lonely old man. He had tried to contact me several times and I let him see his grandkids a few times. But no other contact. Yep thingy (my moms nickname for the OW) left him for some other man. He died a lonely old man... Soo yes you do reap the seeds of life you do or do not plant!

This is the only reason I stayed with my spouse and did not divorce him. I thought he had some good left in him maybe? But I like the story of my dad karma is a Bi@tch for sure!!!

My ex is in love with his daughter, so I doubt he will ever admit he made a mistake because he is happy to have her.

But he lost so much to have her...

He is 38 years old and has nothing.

He has a child with a POS whore he was fucking once a week or so for a few months. She is a drunk, her brother is in jail as a sex offender, and her family is shit.

OW can't stand him anymore (supposedly) but let's him live in the garage (she lives with mommy and uncle) because she needs his help to care for OC and he financially is responsible for OC... she lost her job and has no money either.

He's currently unemployed after he was laid off from his $10/hour job he had for 2 months. (The years he was with me, he was either unemployed or underemployed... but I made enough money to support our household. Any money he earned while he was working was strictly his "fun money" - he didn't have any responsibility for bills with me except for some groceries.)

He has no HS diploma or GED.

He drives a POS car that is 14 years old and needs a lot of work and a new engine.

Recently, he had to sleep in his car for a week when he and OW were arguing and she kicked him out temporarily.

When I knew him, he never had any debt and even had some savings...not hard when I was letting him sock away his paycheck. Now he has a few hundred dollars in the bank and several thousand dollars in credit card debt.

He looks horrible...he's aged so much in the last year. He was always in great, athletic shape. Now he looks about 10 years old, he gained weight, and his skin is awful. His hygiene appears to be suffering too - he looks homeless.

He is a liar and a cheater and a POS and nothing that he does will ever be enough to change that or the evil things he did to me.

Me?

Aside from losing the future I thought I had, I am doing alright. Sometimes I want to rub it in his face how much better my life is.

We lived in a great, affordable apartment that I still live in. I have the big screen TVs, the gadgets, and all the cool stuff.

My career is going fantastic... since he left, my income has increased significantly thanks to the two raises I've gotten over the last year. Once I save a little bit more money, I will be able to buy the beautiful house we always looked forward to owning.

Two weeks ago, I got rid of my 10 year old car and I bought a brand new, beautiful 2011 luxury car for myself. It looks badass, if I do say so myself.

I am going to the Bahamas in May with my girlfriends for a fun, tropical vacation. I can do that because I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whomever I want... I don't have the responsibility of a baby momma and an OC who has to come first.

I turn 30 tomorrow. I've been depressed about it, because I always thought I would be married with children by this time in my life. But I've come to terms with the fact that it didn't happen and I'm better off 30 and single, free to start anew, with no ex-husbands or children entangled in the situation. It still makes me sad, but I know I am better off without that POS.

I really don't see his situation ever improving.

ETA: Oh, and the thought of having to be naked in front of someone new has motivated me to lose weight and I am at the lowest weight I've been in at least 5 years and look better than ever.

[This message edited by Whalers11 at 1:28 PM, March 19th (Saturday)]

It is hard to say whether karma has hit my STBXH or not. He seems to be really happy with OW.

He is living in a small apartment with her for 9 months now, he rarely sees his kids, he left a honest, dependable, loyal wife and 3 beautiful children and his very nice dream house.

He is going to be moving into the dream house with skank after the kids and I move back home into a small condo. So I am not sure if he is getting the better end of the deal or not. He seems to think so.

I have a great relationship with my kids (15, 11, 5) and they will not talk to him. He does not see this as his consequences though--he blames me for this. He says they are afraid to have a relationship with him because of me.

He doesn't seem to regret what he has done at all. He seems happy.

I think he is a narcissist though and not sure if he would ever admit to any regret or whether he will ever admit to any fault.

We will see what happens with the divorce and whether the karma will hit then--hope so!!

I guess these are relatively minor, but here goes.....

one day x was very late picking up daugher. she texted him, then looked up and me and said "dad's going to be late. apparently he got pulled over."

in november, he bought a new car. 3 weeks later he totalled it, hitting a deer while speeding in a snowstorm. it was his first new car in about 11 years.

my mother (who worked as an insurance adjuster) said just wait...whenever anyone has a serious accident like that, they almost always have another one within a few months.

he bought another new car a month later. (same model). a week later, someone backed into him, and wrecked the front. 2 weeks later, before he got the front fixed, a client smashed into the back! this is on a car that isn't even a month old yet.

I think his insurance rates are going to sky rocket because he has so many accidents and gets so many tickets!

I can't tell you anything from my story because I don't know if xwh has regrets. I don't care. I know I'm happier and that's all that matters.

I do, however, have a story. About 15 years ago, I worked for a bank that bought another bank. One of the employees from the new bank was a 20 yo girl that no one had anything nice to say about. Turns out she had an A with her 45 yo boss. He got fired, while she kept her job. He got divorced and the young thing and he shacked up together.

Being young and ignorant at the time, I didn't think much of this story except for the gossip factor and I remember thinking, 'his poor wife'.

I worked with this young woman for 3 years. In that time I watched her sugar daddy buy her a new car, pay for her college and law school. She quit working at the bank when she went to law school, but I heard through the grapevine that, within a week of graduating, she dumped her sugar daddy's ass because he was 'too old'.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

Stbx is definitely reaping what he's sown. He can't deny himself anything. As a result, he's refused to stop with the secret friends and is now looking at D, losing his home and family, and great financial difficulties. He eats everything he likes and as a result is now tipping the scales at well over 300 pounds (and he's not very tall.) Who knows what all went on with ow3, but she thinks he's a complete creep, and now so do people who hear whatever it is she has to say about him (I wish I knew how to become one of those people, because I'd still like to know the truth about her.) Given his family history and his eating, he'll probably die young of a heart attack. He's put himself deep into debt, which he's now struggling to pay off, because he can't quit spending. He had someone who loved him dearly and blew it, because he wouldn't quit lying. Honestly, I don't think he's going to find a replacement soon, and if he does, he's going to have to trade down, because who else would take what he's turned himself into?

But will he ever regret anything? Probably not, because he's lied most of all to himself and convinced himself this is all my fault and he's a victim.

I'm not gloating, and I'm not eagerly awaiting it. The whole thing just makes me sort of cringe and feel sad at the tragic needlessness of all he's done to himself.

I think karma does exist.

I also think that bad things can happen to wonderful people for no reason.

And I think, in the end, it doesn't matter if the cheater gets his or hers.

What matters is if we are able to overcome this situation and live our own lives to the fullest.

People here always say to strive for indifference... and it's true. Letting go of the anger and hurt is a huge step, and trusting in love again and the possibility that not everyone will hurt you (and maybe even that most people won't!), well, to me, that is MY karma, it's what I want for ME.

I don't care what happens to stbx, or even if he one day truly understands how badly he hurt me, except that I hope he remains a stable, loving father for our DS.

And I think, in the end, it doesn't matter if the cheater gets his or hers.

What matters is if we are able to overcome this situation and live our own lives to the fullest.

*standing up clapping!*

My WW was sorry, but it wasn't a pleasant experience for me at all... be careful what you wish for.

While I moved out and filed for D, she was still enveloped in the waning light of her A, and she was pretending like she was fine. Like you it just tore me up inside, to think that I meant nothing to this person I had given almost a decade of my life to.

The night before our divorce hearing she called me, she sounded drunk or high or something... all brittle laughter and quavering voice. She wanted to get together, the night before the hearing, to get "closure" and to drink the very expensive champaign we had bought before our wedding, to save for a special occasion. I said no, she had dozens of chances and she blew them all, she kept insisting, finally I hung up on her.

At the hearing she broke down and cried; it caused the judge to give us an extra month before the D was final because she saw what kind of a state my WW was in... but I was just relieved to get it over with.

All that changed when I saw my WW for the last time, two months later. I was just going over there to get some documents I needed since I was leaving the country for a new job. She held it together while I was there, but when I went downstairs to the building's parking lot I heard the most awful sound -- heart-wrenching, soul-tearing sobs, coming from what used to be our apartment window. It sounded... it was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life, it stabbed me to my core, it filled my heart with the blackest, most hopeless pain... it was the sobbing of someone who had lost everything, had lost even themself and knew themself to be a hollow shell, bereft of both the reason and the desire to live. It was the sobbing of someone who, at 29, thought their life was already over, the only happy parts of it killed by their own hand, and nothing waiting for them in the future but a long dismal twilight of chewing the last faint juices of pleasure from dead memories.

I thought I wanted her to be sorry, I thought I wanted her to cry and feel horrible... but that sobbing just tore me apart; that and the compulsion to soothe that pain, the pain of the one I made a vow to protect and support... and realizing she had given up all help from me, forever, and she knew it.

Now my life is objectively so much better... my salary is three times as high as it was then, I have a serious girlfriend and we're thinking about marriage, and I'm in the best physical shape of my life. But at night, when I'm alone, or when my mind wanders, I hear that horrible sobbing and in spite of my reason I hate myself for having caused someone more pain than I will probably ever feel or understand.

Beren - quick T/J - being a (former) codependent, I still thought your post was so sad. Maybe I should be grateful that my STBXWH doesn't show remorse. It would crush me to hear what you did if I was too far gone for R. But your XW didn't really show remorse by talking to you directly and committing to the work (if R was an option). So try not to let it haunt you too much. She caused her own pain. Congratulations on your new and happier life.

I thought I wanted her to be sorry, I thought I wanted her to cry and feel horrible... but that sobbing just tore me apart; that and the compulsion to soothe that pain, the pain of the one I made a vow to protect and support... and realizing she had given up all help from me, forever, and she knew it.

Wow...I want STBXWH to regret so badly, sometimes I think I want him to totally fall part, but if he does, I won't revel in it, and your post reminds me that even if he does regret, it won't make me feel any better. Just kind of reinforces how unnecessary and sad this chaos was to begin with.

I hate myself for having caused someone more pain than I will probably ever feel or understand.

Actually, she caused herself all that pain. Please don't own what's not yours to own.

I'm not certain that karma exists, but I am a believer in the consequences of bad decision making.

Last November on my 25th wedding anniversary, my XH dropped by my house, sobbing and very apologetic. He'd left the OW, and as a result was both homeless and jobless. His relationship with his adult sons was forever changed. In many ways, he'd lost everything he'd ever cherished as a result of his bad choices.

I can honestly say, I don't feel any sense of satisfaction over what happened. It's just such selfishness.

If you want an example of the karma bus making a stop, check out foolish heart's "did I ask for this" thread in JFO.

Now he knows what its like to be betrayed by a cheating whore.