I saw this thread and while I wanted to read all of it from start to finish....I cheated and read page 1 and the last page, so please forgive me for that, since I am also trying (without much success right now) to do work!
Has anyone ever divorced because of an emotional affair (the wayward never put in the work to build trust again
My W decided to end 4 years of what I understood had been wonderful and fulfilling (I was apparently deluded) via email. I suspect there is a PA, I also suspect there was an EA before the PA. It was like a switch turned off in him, one day he loved me, the next I had no value or meaning to him....so he sent the email.
I will share the email (personal bits redacted for anonymity!)
I know you can see that things have changed in the last while. I have been giving our relationship a lot of thought in amongst everything else that is going on.
When I first met you things for me were great. I was in a very different place than I find myself today. I have told you things are difficult at the moment with the companies but if I am honest, they are really difficult. I have an awful lot on my plate.
I have thought very carefully about our situation and the terrible effect it has been having on those around me, namely you and DS. I have been trying to be upbeat and make it work but I am so engrossed in what I have going on, I do not feel that I am being fair to you in any way. I have reached the point where I do not want to do this anymore. I know that is not what you want to hear but I also think that you are probably not entirely surprised!
I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. This is not a reflection on you. I am constantly grumpy and incredibly unhappy right now. Unfortunately this is just the position I find myself in due to the current business climate but I am so preoccupied dealing with the businesses that it leaves absolutely no time for anything else.
I hope that we can remain good friends but I also understand that may not be a possibility.
Then he shows up at my door, several times from then...he calls me up one night and starts a sexually charged conversation, but won't let me come to see him...BTW at this point, I had not suspected an EA or anything! I was in shock!
I got that email in May. July 10 was when I realized that there was a lot more going on that what he had told me. I reeled after this night, and it took every ounce of resolve and willpower I had not to call him. One night around 10 p.m. I get a text from him out of the blue (around 2+ weeks later) telling me he got a iphone since his blackberry packed up! I was polite, but cool.
He decided to call me.
I spoke to him and we agreed to have coffee. When I met him for coffee, there was more BS about the business, not even anything new or different, just the same old stuff he had been teling me before the email, and after! I SMELLED THERE WERE MORE THINGS HE WASN'T TELLING ME, than the things he was.
What kills me is that all of this is SO INSULTING TO OUR INTELLIGENCE!
When my gut started telling me and my BS metre was dinging off the chart, I undertook some investigations of my own. Results, got enough info from his Twitter feed to make my gut wrench even more!
I made a decision for me, for my self-respect I took my ring off and put it away in my jewellery box. While I only had suspicions, they were enough to tell me he had been lying! Yes omitting to provide information is lying as much as words coming out of your mouth that are untrue!
I took his house key and a few memento's he had given me that were painful reminders of what I had but lost, for no REAL apparent reason! I took them to his house early one Sunday, left the box at his front door and left! There was no drama, no discussion, just a box of things that told him, I had had enough!
Get this....that night he texted me and said he had no idea why I left those things on his porch or why I didn't come in and have Tea! he ended up calling me and we had a very difficult conversation, I confronted him about the SA, and I even dropped SOW's name. He hung up on me shortly after that ....more texts, mostly from me, that went unresponded! The next day I sent another email....didn't dwell on the SEA/SPA but pointed out the inconsistencies with his professed reasons and that I did what I did for me. He emailed back (I think he even used the first "fuck off" email as a cut and paste, because so much of it was trite BS and contained a lot of the same BS as the first.
BTW all of this happened on the week before my 52 birthday (Happy fucking birthday to me!!)
On the Wed of that week, early at about 7:30 a.m. my front doorbell rang....I had been up most of the night, slept a total of 3 hours if that, and was trying hard to get some work done! It was him, he had a couple of baking dishes I must have left behind at his place, some pictures of our first vacation together, and a bag. My brain went into overload, my heart must have broken into a thousand pieces at that moment. I took the coffee he was holding out for me, and threw it so far, it landed on the road! I was not calm, I was in a state of hysteria! I ended up wailing on my knees with the front door of my house open ....He picked me up and carried me to the sofa and just held me until I calmed down ...to this day I don't know how long the whole thing took from start to finish!
We agreed to get together face to face to talk after this, because when I looked in his eyes after I finally calmed down, I saw that there was love there!
We met last Friday, it was very hard but I managed to keep my composure and resolve. I was firm but compassionate; calm and detached. I told him I was doing what I was doing to heal myself. He denied he was having an A (but his answers still were vague) When I let the dog out to have a wee, I noticed 2 pictures of children on his fridge (he hever once had a picture of anyone on his fridge) So I asked who are they???
he answered, oh they are that dealer's children, the one you asked me about, her kids gave them to me so I put them up! (that was his answer on the spot!) but my gut just churned with the deceit.
She's married, has 2 kids and her H probably has no idea what is going on, since my WXBF says he met the H too!
Anyway after getting through all of that, I got an email from his XCL (who I emailed before I delivered the stuff to his house) She said he told her some stuff, and Its probably not what I want to hear (sound familiar??) but I should pursue my own happiness and forget about XSWBF.
The timing was too coincidental to our meeting. Then when I replied to her telling her it was uncanny how her email sounded like he wrote it! She wrote back saying from her observation he appeared happy and focussed and that he just wanted to be his own man, he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore....(WTF did he give me a ring if he wasn't in for the long haul)
My reply was essentially, I am not going to concern myself with him anymore, I thanked her for her insight (not really anything I didn't already know) and wished her well.
I know I won't hear from him again, because I told him that I could not be friends with him, unless I understood that we could R somewhere down the road! I won't put in any time to help or assist as a friend, when there is no reward whatsoever to doing that, and furthermore, WHO TREATS THEIR FRIENDS LIKE THIS! short answer, No one who actually values friendship or has respect for their friendships!
All of which is to say, W's who don't want to put in the work are cowardly, they lack the insight into their own FUBAR emotions, they don't want to put in the work because they believe the AP is going to be the green grass they have gazed on but haven't been able to walk on!
In closing, my thought process was not FUBAR, my instincts told me to look behind the words and find the answers, my finding them caused me to have a nervous/hystical breakdown, but I needed to do that because I needed to get it all out!
I was only able to get this perspective once I had accepted that all was lost and I started to grieve for the loss, rather than bargain for R, chase the carrot dangled in front of me, and live in the delusional false hope that we could work it out if we were both willing! He wasn't willing and I wasn't going to punish myself anymore.
So here I am, moving into the acceptance and healing part (slowly)
Sorry for such a long venting post, I really just wanted to say, if both parties are committed to working through it, R is possible. R is not possible if the W continues to lie, continues to have his EA/PA or whatever it is, and there is no chance that T can be re-established.
We all live with shit, sometime we get more than our fair share in a short time. I say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!
I am stronger today, and tomorrow I hope to get a little more strength. Its a long journey, and filled with all sorts of potholes and hidden obstructions, but if you have the right footwear on and keep going, you will survive!
Poster child for SI? All of us!
Take care and be well. I wish you all strength, perseverance and empathy in your daily struggle.
Want this to Stop