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Newest Member: KRE74

I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


g-hopeless ( new member #17470) posted at 6:41 PM on Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

I have not read through this forum entirely so this may have been answered before. I am wondering how best to handle an EA that nobody wants to admit to? My situation is this. My wife had a full blown long term PA/EA with a close friend of ours. In the wake of the discloser that I had to play detective to confirm, my W turned to our closest friend who was the only one I had told. I understand her desire to have turned to him as I was largely emotionally unavailable and she feared repercussions of turning to me to work through everything. However, this brought their already dangerously close relationship to another level. They had always had a special bond. Our group dynamics were such that we always had blurred the lines of appropriate or typical friendship's but this OM's special attraction to and attention toward my W had always felt very non-threatening because of his relationship with me and what I felt I knew about my W as the most morally and ethically well-grounded person I had ever known. During her affair, however, as I started to feel shunned and abandoned, everything of course changed. I started off rather innocently asking him to avoid some of the special moments that he always sought to create with my W. This was repeatedly argued with and ultimately largely ignored, at least if I had my back turned it was. After the revelation of the affair I thought for sure he would give us the space I was asking for and set up more appropriate boundaries with my W who was obviously struggling to figure out how to do so. Instead, I felt that my requests which had turned to demands were still ignored. Ultimately, when I felt that all the same techniques that were employed to hide the affair were being used to hide this current relationship I again felt I had to become a detective. What I found was far more that I had even suspected. They were engaging in very sexually explicit and provocative talks on IM, plus whatever they were saying in their many many texts when they were away from the computer. When faced with the evidence she had to admit that she had stepped over the line. However, she says she did so without realizing it and would simply stop. She wanted to focus on my detective work and how offended she was by it. To this day my W obstinately objects to admitting that they were involved in an EA. I however am not stupid and know what love looks like, and they had fallen in love though I trust that it never went much further. I am confident that it would have if I had not stepped in. I have sworn off the OP for life and asked my wife to as well. After much kicking and screaming she has finally agreed to do so as well, though she insists on continuing a friendship with this person's W and refuses to acknowledge that I will never feel OK again about her having a relationship with him again in the future.

So my question is this. How, if at all, can I get my W to face what she created and take responsibility for why we will never be friends with this person again? The problem is that as long as she blames me for it and believes that everything I am asking of her is ridiculous (not going to the house if he's there, not calling her friend if the OM is home and so-on) it continues to build resentment toward me, and poisons our best efforts to reconcile. Outside of these issues we are doing really well, but any time these issues come up we are thrown back to zero again.

She refuses to read about these things or go to counseling to learn about them as she feels that nobody can tell her about herself.

Married 13 years
Me-BS 36, WW-38
D-day 4/21/07
2 usually beautiful children

posts: 38   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2007
id 3233908

tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 3:41 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2008


That's the hardest part of an EA, getting someone to realize that a boundary was crossed. If she doesn't know the boundaries, then the chance of her repeating the behavior is very likely.

I don't have much advice other than start talking with her and figuring out boundaries that you can both live with. If she insists flirting and sex via IM are ok.. then you have a decision to make, because she doesn't respect your wishes or being honest with you. I think the best way you can tell her is that if she's doing or saying anything that she wouldn't do with you around, then it's wrong, and it's even worse if she starts doing things purposely and hiding it from you.

Good luck,

[This message edited by tormentedsoul at 9:43 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 3235100

ARmom ( member #16143) posted at 5:52 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2008


I seriously think you need to consider IC to help you deal with your feelings and emotions. The only way MC is going to work is if you CAN focus on your relationship and how to interact with each other. I KNOW it seems horribly unfair because he "caused" the situation, but YOU have to take control and responsibility for how you deal with some of the emotions that are running through your head right now for your own sanity.

Marriage counseling needs to do just that - counsel the marriage. If you get the individual help that you need, it is going to make the MC part of the equation more productive for both of you.

posts: 911   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2007   ·   location: Small Town AR
id 3236295

Lovebug ( new member #20649) posted at 7:15 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2008

I feel like I'm the only, no offense but young person in here and am wondering if age plays a factor on reconciliation or not.

I'm 27 - married 2 yrs, 2 very small children 2 yrs and 5 months.

This is my WH 2nd A. First one 4 yrs ago. This time EA - I think (he says no pc). With a co-worker, he ended up quitting - BUT HIRED her at his new job (he's in mngmnt) so they're still wrking together. It's been one week of NC but I confronted him and told him nc almost 4 weeks ago. I'm not sure if I want to continue this.

I'm so hurt, devastated, and PISSED off that I could kill (well - really hurt) both of them.

I just don't want to stay for the wrong reasons.. my two girls. They're so young though... I don't want them to not have a dad.

I'm so lost!!

posts: 10   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2008   ·   location: CA
id 3238720

mary0808 ( member #20512) posted at 7:19 PM on Saturday, August 16th, 2008

I have a husband who had an EA that became physical. The EA started when I was pregnant with #2 (b/c he claims I didn't have enough sex with him) and continued throughout her 1st year. I was struggling with colic and nursing and he formed strong emotional ties with a younger woman at work. (Although I am 31, so it is not like I am that old).

So, this EA has gone on almost a year. He changed his lifestyle for her and took on new hobbies. They have had physical contact and they have communicated feelings for each other. She wants to be with him.

My questions:

1) Is it too late are EA too strong?

2) Is it an impossible situation if they work together?

Me- BS (32)
Him- WH (32)
D-Day: 8/2/08
Trickle Truth #1: 8/4/08
Trickle Truth #2: 8/20/08
8/30/08: Relapse back to OW
9/14/08: NC
10/15/08: Trickle truth #4 (but still NC)
Status: Reconciling

Married: 5 years
2 Dau

posts: 303   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2008   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 3240736

tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 4:24 AM on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008


EA's are not to strong, they're a fantasy with no problems of the reality of daily life. Once the fantasy is broken, they fall apart. The trick is to bring reality in before things get to far gone between you and your WS.

EA's hurt more than a PA in my opinion, but I don't want to get into a debate about that, that's just my personal experience

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 3247986

reallylost ( member #18185) posted at 1:36 PM on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

I think sometimes ea's seem indestructible...they are fantasy and that is so hard for those of us living in the real world to deal with...While in the ea, the participants don't know or don't care how their behavior hurts their loved ones. My stxh worked with 2 of his ea's...he got addicted to that feeling of secret love and that new butterfly sensation...he had some that he emailed and some that he called on his cell...I don't think any of them flourished in the light of was a game for the female participants and they too didn't think about how this effected anyone but them...They are very hard to combat and is like a drug.

Me: 47
WS: 38
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2008   ·   location: KY
id 3248374

wantomoveforward ( member #19884) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

We are 8 weeks out of my WH EA. This was his 2nd or 3rd EA in our 8 year marriage. This time his response has been different- he has taken full responsibility, shows remorse, everything to show that he regrets his mistake. We now have 2 kids, whereas before we didn't have them during the other EA. I want to him to understand why this happened so he can prevent it in the future. He thinks that if he says it won't happen again, it won't.

Any suggestions?

Me(BW)- 36
Him(WH)- 37
2 kids- 17 mos, 4 yrs
Married 8 yrs

posts: 53   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2008   ·   location: South Carolina
id 3248525

mary0808 ( member #20512) posted at 4:06 PM on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

I am so worried about my husband's addiction to this 25 year old OW. How could they do this? I fear it is really strong fantasy btw them b/c OW has no problem breaking our marriage even knowing that there are 2 small children involved and my WH wants to leave me for OW even though he swears he has never had sex with OW-- they had EA and only kissed.

It sounds so strong...and they work together. I'm a trying to bust it up, and snap him back to reality, but this has been going on for a year and I am trying 180, but I am so, so worried that he'll never snap out of it.

He even defends OW! Oh, I want her evil spell to wear off. What is the anecdote???

Me- BS (32)
Him- WH (32)
D-Day: 8/2/08
Trickle Truth #1: 8/4/08
Trickle Truth #2: 8/20/08
8/30/08: Relapse back to OW
9/14/08: NC
10/15/08: Trickle truth #4 (but still NC)
Status: Reconciling

Married: 5 years
2 Dau

posts: 303   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2008   ·   location: Mid-Atlantic
id 3248783

thirdtimeacharm ( new member #20210) posted at 2:02 PM on Friday, August 22nd, 2008

I think the antedote for an ea is to take care of yourself, try to set firm boundaries about what you are willing to live with, ask for total transparency and pray for strength.

I have only been married a year and H had ea entire dating/marriage until Jan 08. He did finally admit he betrayed me, I think there is more to tell and the guilt is eating him up. Still have problems with total transparency regarding other females in his life, and I am trying to be honest about how it makes me feel. I also have been honest about my needs. The best thing that helped me was 180 I started it about a month ago and it has made life so much easier and I am enjoying myself, depression has started to lift.

Hang in there everyone in ea land.

BS- Me 42
H- 41
M- 1 yr
Together 2.5 yrs
DDay - Jan 12, 2008
Him - 2 kids son 18, daughter 24 live with us

EA - Entire relationship/marriage til Jan 08

posts: 24   ·   registered: Jul. 12th, 2008
id 3253634

Anachronism ( member #20111) posted at 9:40 PM on Saturday, August 23rd, 2008

Does anyone here have experience with emotional affairs that have not yet become physical, but the WS is completely in love and proceeding straight to D?

I know EAs that become physical often break within six months, but how long can they last after discovery purely as EAs?

I'm not asking how long they can go without seeing each other. Distance and parenting responsibilities make this difficult. I just want to know if I have any hope of this ending on its own, without a physical betrayal.

"If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by?" - Vanessa Carlton

posts: 837   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 3256524

raineday ( member #20681) posted at 5:54 AM on Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

[This message edited by raineday at 2:36 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 124   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2008
id 3261048

tormentedsoul ( member #16989) posted at 6:12 AM on Tuesday, August 26th, 2008


it might be time to have lunch with her and have a little talk. If she's not interested in him, it'll change her behavior towards him if she knows it bothers you and he's thinking of it as more than a friendship.

EA's - they really suck!

posts: 178   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2007   ·   location: Lost in the woods
id 3261062

raineday ( member #20681) posted at 4:39 PM on Wednesday, August 27th, 2008

I think I may be too late.

I guess I just have to wait it out.. All I really want to do right now is leave him.

[This message edited by raineday at 2:48 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

posts: 124   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2008
id 3263925

jolene ( member #17993) posted at 4:34 PM on Thursday, August 28th, 2008

raineday, I posted this to you already in JFO-- get a voice activated recorder, plan a day out for you and plant that sucker. This is how I busted my FWH in a huge lie. The tone of voice doesn't lie, you will know if this is just a one-sided thing (doubt it considering the numerous phone calls) from how he talks to her.

Do you think they're meeting? Follow them, or have someone else do it.

Once you make 50 posts on SI, you'll have access to another forum that will give you tips for investigation.

I feel for you because it seems like you're flying blind here and that SUCKS. The best advice I can give you is DON'T SHOW YOUR CARDS until you're sure of what is going on. They will go further underground and then you may not have a choice except to D.

Divorced 10/2013! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

posts: 2189   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2008   ·   location: btn rock and hard place
id 3266375

Muff2do ( new member #18872) posted at 4:28 AM on Friday, August 29th, 2008

I’m glad this thread is here. We are a year out from dday and things are going good but I still feel like I’m broken. I’m not the same person that I used to be. I no longer want to be around people or do the things I enjoyed doing before I found out about my H EA with a woman from Norway.

I used to enjoy watching TV or listening to music but now it just seems like noise to me. I just kind of sit in the quite because it has become easier to do that. I have lost friends because they just don’t understand. They think as long as he didn’t have sex with her it wasn’t that bad. They didn’t read the love letters that I found. They don’t have their loving words burned into their brains the way I do.

Eight months out he got mad at me and told me to just write a book about the whole thing so I did. I wrote how the whole thing has affected me and how I feel about myself now. I took their love emails and put them in date order with my own notes after each line or word that was not becoming of a married man. He said she never was a flirt or lead him on but I highlighted her words to show how wrong he was. I then made him sit down in front of me and read all 50 or so pages.

That was the day he came out of his fog. That was the day that our true healing began. For the first time he saw how far gone he was and how much it had hurt me. He saw for the first time that she wasn’t the innocent woman as he had made her out to be.

I guess what I wonder now is how do I become the person I used to be? I want her back. I want to laugh again and do some of the crazy things I used to do.

This whole thing has made my health get worse; I have Fibromyalgia and I hurt all the time now. I lost my job five months ago due to the sale of the company so I have money worries. Add feeling broken on top of that and I have to say that I feel like SHIT! I know in the end things will get better but today it just doesn’t feel that way.

Thanks for listening.

BS-me 49
WS-him 67
D-day 8-17-07
Married 32.5 years
3 kids b-30, b-28, g-23

posts: 12   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2008   ·   location: Minnesota
id 3267972

raineday ( member #20681) posted at 11:12 PM on Saturday, August 30th, 2008


I've said, for me, an EA is harder to take than a PA. And that must have been awful to read those letters between them, it makes me sick to my stomach even thinking about it.

But at least you know the truth and now you get to make the decision in how to proceed forward with your life and be the person you were before, only stronger.

I'm sorry to hear that you are down right now, but you are right, things will get better. Don't let this effect your health, it's not worth it.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2008
id 3271008

grimesgirl ( member #20857) posted at 8:46 PM on Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

My WH had a PA but mostly EA. The EA hurts me more for some reason. I want to know what he was telling her. He says they just talked about "everyday" stuff. One month of phone records show over 500 hours of conversations and 400 text messages. In ONE month! He didn't have that much interest in speaking to me that much. He also said that I know all of his stories since we have been together for 8 years. I think he just liked feeling wanted and interesting.

Me: 33
FWH: 34
2 Kids: 5 years & 8 years
Day: 8/20/08, Full Truth: 8/22/08
Married 9 years, Full R
"Forgiveness is love in its most noble form"

posts: 80   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2008
id 3278224

willrize65 ( member #18517) posted at 4:45 AM on Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

My h has never stopped his ea. He just sees it as a "friendship" which I just don't like. He's refused to give her up. I really feel that I'm done. How can he throw his family under a bus for his "friend". I just can't seem to move on from that.

posts: 122   ·   registered: Mar. 7th, 2008   ·   location: new jersey
id 3290265

sportsfan ( member #9918) posted at 4:36 PM on Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

willrize65 - are you absolutely sure they were EA's and not PA's? And if they indeed are EA's then why won't he stop them for you? Does he not see how these effect you?

posts: 2151   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2006   ·   location: FL
id 3291000
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