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Newbies...Important Information - Please Read

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 SI Staff (original poster Moderator #10) posted at 10:34 PM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2006

1. First of all, know that you are not alone. This happens to people every minute of every day.

Realize that this is something that you CAN and WILL survive.

2. You may feel that you need to make a final decision immediately. Your feelings will likely fluctuate - many describe these changing and conflicting feelings as the "rollercoaster" Take time for yourself, your emotions may be too raw for the first 6 months to make an informed and healthy decision on which direction you want to truly go. A hasty decision either way may make you feel trapped if you haven't given yourself some time to heal and tend to what you need for your own emotional health.

3. Be certain you want people outside of your marriage/relationship to know of the Affair. You may regret telling people later down the road.

4. Seek out a Counselor that specializes in infidelity and family crisis. It helps to have a mediator that can guide you both in the direction of healing.

5. Don't take advice from people that have never experienced infidelity or ones that immediately say "cut and run...". They are not in your shoes and do not know your history and/or investment with your relationship.

6. Regardless of the outcome, there are thousands of members here who can testify to having a wonderful life after being hit with infidelity.

7. Take necessary steps to ensure that the A is over. Having your WS write a No Contact letter to the OP is a very healthy first step towards healing and recovery.

8. Many BS's are unsure of what direction to go, keep in mind, you're not in a race, there is no time limit on when it feels right for you to take another step forward.

9. Consult an attorney to know what your rights are should divorce be the path you decide to walk down.

10. See your Doctor if you're feeling overwhelmed, depressed and can't seem to concentrate.

11. Make sure to take care of yourself. It's very hard to eat and sleep when the pain is so deep, but you must remember that your health is very important.

12. Do not take any responsibility for the Affair. Your spouse/partner made a conscious choice to cheat, you did not push them into the arms of another person.

13. Odds are your spouse/partner had unprotected sex. Please make sure you're both tested for STD's before engaging in sex with eachother. Please do not be embarrassed to talk to your Doctor about possible STD's, there's not much that they haven't already heard.

14. Please take the time to read in the Healing Library (upper left corner, yellow box), there are numerous articles and resources that will help you cope with your feelings.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 2:00 PM, August 17th (Thursday)]

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 1500085
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paulb ( Member #4936) posted at 4:34 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2006

What a great idea to stick this to the top of the forum! Only thing I could think to add would be a hint at the bottom to go into the Library.

"Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown"
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings"
"but not me baby, I've got you to save me"
Tom Petty

posts: 2982   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2004
id 1501349
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seashells ( Member #8141) posted at 5:05 AM on Thursday, August 17th, 2006

I agree - great idea - to pin this at the top of this - Forum !!!

These are all things that I try to remember to tell all - "newbies" ...

The only thing that I would like to add is this:

Please, please, please, do NOT let your spouse know that you are on this site much less let them know your user name ...

This is YOUR safe house ...

Protect YOUR house ...

We've seen far too many sad stories, where somehow, the "other spouse" has found out that their spouse, was on this site and also found out your user name ...

Protect this safe house and your own user name, until you are very, very, very, positive that you are - WELL INTO - a successful - reconciliation - and even then - for me - personally - I would think twice, three, four, five times - before - letting my spouse or anyone else in my life, know about my safe house ...

Also, I would add information about how to use the - "skins" ...

Just my two cents worth ...

seashells

First - D day - 9-15-05 ...

Second - D day - End of - October of 2005 ...

Not a good time of the year for me :(

www.ultimatebetrayal.com

posts: 2458   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2005   ·   location: The Carolinas .....
id 1502930
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CandyApple ( New Member #11690) posted at 5:42 AM on Thursday, August 17th, 2006

If I may, #13 seems very difficult for me to accept. In this day and age, I truly find it hard to believe that this many WS would be so unconcerned with their own health.

Candy
_______________________________
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2006   ·   location: New York
id 1502974
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idealist ( Member #9462) posted at 5:48 AM on Thursday, August 17th, 2006

Hi Candy

While it may not be "likely" that the WS had unprotected sex, it is horrifyingly common.

Perhaps it has to do with the "unreality" of the experience.

So, perhaps those who were "eyes wide open" in love (it happens) are sane enough to take precautions. But there are so many for whom the A was a "reality break."

I say leave the warning in. Good preventive medecine.

I'll also add that my FWW was a pod (in the fog, although not in love) until she came here. Reading and posting without judgement was cathartic for her. She regressed a little later. But SI has been better than MC for her.

And the mods asked me for permission to let her in, which I gave gladly.

[This message edited by idealist at 11:52 PM, August 16th (Wednesday)]

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

posts: 1735   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2006   ·   location: Southern California
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paulb ( Member #4936) posted at 6:59 PM on Thursday, August 17th, 2006

Candy, I would have thought so too. But my wife, a very well educated professional woman, had unprotected sex on all occasions.

I will start a poll on this in General.

PB

"Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown"
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings"
"but not me baby, I've got you to save me"
Tom Petty

posts: 2982   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2004
id 1504013
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 7:01 PM on Thursday, August 17th, 2006

This thread is strictly for information.

Please do not post on it

[This message edited by kdny at 5:59 PM, October 28th (Saturday)]

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 1504022
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justfoundout ( New Member #12394) posted at 12:27 AM on Saturday, October 21st, 2006

i was with my h for 21 yrs, we had 6 kids. and now for ow he leaves me when he just met her. It was a total surprise to me. I still have 2 teens at home. all he does is lie and deny that there's ow. says i'm gonna "push" him to be with her. she doesn't even live in my town.

Tired of hurting

posts: 1   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2006   ·   location: Arizona
id 1629724
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lostnic ( Member #12444) posted at 10:04 AM on Thursday, October 26th, 2006

The day of my birthday my h told me he lost his in love for me 5 years ago married 25yrs 28yrs together had two kids now they are gone spreading their wings. One yr after my baby left he decides to find the fountain of youth with a younger w. I am dissabled visually impaired diabetic high blood pressure with no jobs which I lost 6 months ago. I have a hard time letting him go but he loves this ow and he is not seeing straight that he is not just hurting me but pushing this ow towards the kids and now they sort of recenting me. I feel alone confused and NO I did not push this idiot to the ow. It just happen a month agowe own a house and I am loosing everything. I know I should take my time with any decision but he wants to sell the house boought five yrs ago, get the debts out of the way including the 25 yr wedding anniversary ring. He says he cares about me but want just to be friends not lover He wants no marriage counselling not yet. I am pursuing counselling myself along with every week visiting my doctor can't sleep more than 3 hours a day too much on my mind. I feel homeless want to stay in ashame that I did not do the job of a wife. I have good friends some understand me and some too pushy I think.I am totally lost with my emotins rollercoaster ride one day loves him carzy and others I could you know kill him. I want him back but he does not want to help this marriage. I still don't understand his motion that 5 yrs he stop loving me and did not talk about. I am betting my mind over this step. Any advice anyone

lostnic
me: 46 Him: 48 living with OW #2
Married 25yrs together 28yrs
Dday Sept 18/06
Kids: 2 girls adult,2 grand daughters 4 and 5 days old
Legally separating,NOW DIVORCE

posts: 334   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2006   ·   location: ottawa
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bamagirlnj ( New Member #12586) posted at 8:09 PM on Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

Candy - You'd think in this day and age of AIDS and STD's that men would be wiser, but girl, you are kidding yourself. I have been married for 24 years and my WS got an STD from an Asian hooker and while he didn't get tested for AIDS, had unprotected sex with me, the women he says he loves!!!!!! Men only think of themselves and their penis.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2006   ·   location: East Coast
id 1664238
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

This is an INFORMATION ONLY thread, please do not post on it. And please do not generalize about men.

DS

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 1664247
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offguard ( New Member #12678) posted at 2:12 AM on Monday, November 20th, 2006

How do I change the email address that I regestered with? My daughter got access to it, and I would like to be able to have some privacy here. I have an email account that she doesn't have access to, can I change it to that? Or can I request that I not be notified of new posts?

posts: 17   ·   registered: Nov. 16th, 2006   ·   location: Portland, Oregon
id 1689852
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seacrist ( Member #12825) posted at 1:28 AM on Saturday, December 2nd, 2006

My WS moved left 2 weeks ago today. Guess he is with her, 16 yrs his junior. Lots of people know about this and that he cheated. Again. This is a repeat performance of his first marriage except, I would not leave or get angry or spiteful. Let him see if the grass is greener. I will survive even if every day I have to tell myself I will. How do you not blame yourself. I keep hearing it is not my fault and intellectually it makes sense but emotionally I feel responsible.

His son is angry but he really idolizes his Dad, do not now how he feels about me or whether he will take sides. His daughters were old enough to remember what he did to their Mom, they are not surprised with this.

How does he think that underr the circumstances that people would not judge him badly. He says"just walk a day in my shoes" insinuating it is hell to live with me.

He is 54 yo and depressed with issues other than me, Iknow it and he knows it and he just might lose all of this in the end. We own a large house on a fairly big farm. I have all of hte info I need to sue for adultrey but I agree withthe other post. It is too soon. I will not be ready for a year or more. In this state, without a separation agreement, we have to be separated 2 years before we can divorce if he files. I am not doing anyhting yet. I will have a hard enough time getting through the holidays without what I thought was my life partner. Why didn't I see this coming? I feel like a fool.

Me-50
WH-55
DD-9/21/06 He left 11/16/06
Update 8/26/07 HE Sued me for divorce: constructive desertion;9/17/07 Counter sued for Adultery and Desertion and ALL of our property!

posts: 54   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2006   ·   location: Chesapeake Bay
id 1712904
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 1:36 AM on Saturday, December 2nd, 2006

seacrist..

This thread is stricly for information purposes.

Please feel free to start a new thread with your story, you'll be lots of feedback and support

DS

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 1712914
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roxann ( New Member #12886) posted at 7:26 PM on Thursday, December 7th, 2006

My husband of 26 years has been having an affair for 12 years when he went out of the country (as an Entomologist)to South America and Europe. He lived and traveled with this woman for weeks at a time, 6 months in all. Now he says he loves me and always wanted to be with me. How could this be? I don't know how he could love me and have a 12 year relationship with another woman.

When he went to see her she asked him to take off his wedding ring which he did. He would call me from the hotel, tell me how much he missed and loved me, and then have her come back into the room. He has stopped the relationship now and won't be going on any more field trips, but he told me this 2 months ago and now I am feeling devastated. I had asked him who else he had slept with because I had called a friend in FL and found out he had slept with her for 5 years now and then.

I don't think this is like your normal affair where the person just sees the other person a couple of times a week, as several times he spent 30 days with her. All of the affectionate things he did with me, he also did with her which hurt more than the sex I think. We are seeing a counselor, but I don't know if I can incorporate this "living with another woman" into our marriage and give him another chance.

[This message edited by roxann at 2:31 PM, December 8th (Friday)]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2006
id 1725125
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 7:31 PM on Thursday, December 7th, 2006

Roxann...

This thread is for information purposes only.

Feel free to start a new thread to tell everyone your story and that way you'll get the proper feedback you're needing.

DS

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 1725139
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carryeachother ( New Member #12772) posted at 8:48 AM on Friday, December 8th, 2006

I don't know how this works so I'm testing my post...

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2006
id 1726323
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toosad ( New Member #12961) posted at 6:57 AM on Friday, December 15th, 2006

My h thinks that after a week I am dwelling on the past by asking questions. How can I convince him that I need answers and time, after he admitted to a 1 year + affair after decades of marriage?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Dec. 15th, 2006   ·   location: overseas
id 1739744
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NewAttitude ( Member #1030) posted at 7:59 PM on Friday, December 22nd, 2006

toosad,

This is an information only thread.

Please start a brand new thread for your story to receive support.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

posts: 58732   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2003
id 1753574
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JAK66 ( New Member #13762) posted at 10:14 PM on Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

I can't figure out how to post a message that isn't a reply. I need to talk...help!

posts: 33   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2007
id 1915746
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