SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How did you all handle the AP after you found out? I found out the messages and called her a f*ck*ng wh*r* and when she sent me an "apology" (more like trying to save her pathetic *ss) I told her to never contact me again. She begged me not to tell her husband…I did. Sometimes I wish I had sent her a message letting her know how much hurt and damage she caused to not only me, but my children too. Most of the time I think she’s not worth it. It’s been two years now so probably too late but I’m just wondering if any of you have reached out and regret it or think it’s better to say nothing. I know my husband never reached out again and cut her off on everything.

I'm sorry, Chasing, I'm going to respond with my thoughts later today. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about your situation and definitely sympathize with that dilemma/thoughts and regrets about how we all end up handling the AP... I'm sure many here can include lots of "this is how you DON'T handle it...", especially myself LOL.

Recalling where my head was at when I was 17-19 and sleeping with a bunch of married men... I believed it was their wives' faults that their husbands were cheating, that they weren't treating them right and/or having enough sex with them and that's what drove to look elsewhere. I think if any of the BWs had reached out to me I might have told them as much. I think knife twisting is always a risk when a BS interacts with their WS's AP.

Her perspective is going to be "I tried to apologize to her two years ago and she just cussed me out, and now she’s back harassing me."

She has no reason to be either honest or forthcoming with you, and many reasons not. Can’t see how you profit from reaching out to her.

I can't tell you how badly I want to eviscerate my wife's AP even 16 months later. In fact lately it's become a bit of an obsession for me. I want to hurt him so fucking bad, but then I ask myself "what are you really going to get from it? What good will come of it?" And the answer is always invariably "nothing."

It won't relieve the pain. It won't fix it. And like Morbs pointed out there's a strong chance he'll just twist the knife and blame me for my wife's actions. Maybe go into detail and brag about what they did and how much she loved it. That would destroy me. I can't possibly hurt him as much as I've been hurt, and at the end of the day he didn't owe me shit. My wife is the one who broke her vows. She was an active and willing participant.

I think it's a bad idea, but god do I understand the urge. All it would do is let him know that he's still living in my head rent free. He told her that he loves her. I'd like to imagine he's pretty crushed over "losing the love of his life." She kicked him to the curb and blocked him on everything. She's rejected all attempts he's made to communicate with her and reported him to supervision when he showed up at her work. He was escorted off property under threat of arrest. That's pretty humiliating because he used to work there too and knows people.

At the end of the day I think all it would do is retraumatize me. I've been having a rough go lately with a fresh wave of intrusive thoughts and mental images as it is. I've read that this is pretty normal in year 2. Your nervous system calms down as the existential threat of the affair diminishes and you begin to feel secure in the relationship again. When you start to feel safe again your brain begins to move the memory from "current threat" to "this belongs in the past." Which is a good thing, but it also reopens the wound as you start processing it in a different way.

I say resist the urge. It won't help with your healing and has potential to just send you on another spiral.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:47 PM, Wednesday, August 5th]

You did the right thing telling the other betrayed spouse. As far as the AP, I know it is so hard. I personally think it is right to calmly tell them how much damage in your life they were a big part of. As far as forgiving, it is good to do, but it is a spiritual battle. What I have found helpful is the try to differentiate their value as a human from what they did.

When I first joined this site in 2014...the consensus here was to NOT contact the adultery co-conspirator...it would only give them the attention they craved...even if it was negative attention. I really TRIED to do this...even though she kept trying to contact my H every 2-3 weeks. After 5 months of her harassing us I had ENOUGH!!

I set up a new email and started barraging HER with emails...practically DARING her to reply. She took the bait. Of course...she apologized for having an A with my H IF it hurt me . She then proceeded to tell a LIE about something they did...to deliberately hurt me !! I replied to that email letting her know about her lie...with evidence that PROVED I knew!

That email I sent was mean and vindictive...but it worked...she has never tried to contact either of us since then. I BEAT her at her own game. Except...I went down to her level. I actually hurt another human being. I didn't like that I did that. I only wrote the truth...but I didn't like the person that I had become who could write such vile stuff...no matter how true it was. Although it felt really GOOD at the time to show the adultery co-conspirator...from stuff my H shared about them...that my H really DID think of her as what she actually had written in one of her messages to my H...writing that his NC with her made her feel like she was a USED, USELESS, NOBODY...I don't feel good about how BLUNT I was with the truth I had to prove it.

An A is just two SELFISH people who USE each other to get their selfish desires met. Just like GotTheMorbs wrote...most adultery co-conspirators don't care. It has been shown on here that it doesn't matter what age they are...they wouldn't have had an A if they cared about anyone but themselves...especially their adultery co-conspirator!! The adultery co-conspirators could literally be anyone...as long as they meet the selfish desires of the other adultery co-conspirator. NO adultery co-conspirator is special...and NO A is unique. PERIOD.

What ended up working for ME was to turn AWAY from the negative thoughts and to start focusing on the POSITIVE thoughts...which at the time were my grandchildren . Your husband's actions are VERY positive! It is also said on here that we should put ACTIONS over WORDS...and that IS true. But words matter . If your husband's words are being backed up by his actions...that will help your healing immeasurably!

A little while later...when I was able to heal enough...I actually started praying for the adultery co-conspirator. It is hard to hate someone you are praying for . I don't want HATE in my heart...there is too much LOVE to fill my heart with !!

I always say on here...whatever HELPS the Betrayed to HEAL...as long as it is legal ...DO IT !! I have gotten a LOT of pushback over the years for writing this...but I feel that a Betrayed needs to do whatever will help THEM heal...as long as it is legal . Whatever that is...as long as it is legal ...then it is right for YOU . The thing about it is that even though ALL A's are the same...healing AFTER Dday is different for each of us. Find out what helps YOU...and GO FOR IT !! I have seen on here what has helped some Betrayeds is to write a letter to the adultery co-conspirator...about ANYTHING they want to say to them. After they are satisfied with it...they then dispose of the letter...some by burning it...others by just throwing it in the trash. Maybe writing down the thoughts you would like to convey to the adultery co-conspirator will help you too .

For ME...I was married twice...and cheated on twice. I went for D with my 1st H...and R with my 2nd...and I don't regret either choice . My 1st H proved he wasn't worthy of me...and my 2nd H proved he was . We are now LIVING and LOVING our Mv2.0(marriage version 2.0) !!! The adultery co-conspirators are truly NOTHING in what MY life has become. Once I realized that then MY healing just kept getting better and better! Here's to YOU getting all healed up and stuff too so that you can ENJOY the rest of YOUR life !!!

I had mixed results.

AP#1: never talked to her.

AP#2: avoided her

AP#3: I didn’t know until 45+ years later

AP#4: confronted her in person. Threatened her. Acted like a crazy person, but that seemed to work because she never showed her face again.

AP#5: confronted by phone at first. First phone call, it went to voicemail, and I called her names and threatened her. Then she called me back. She was actually honest, apologetic, and to be truthful she was/is a very messed up insecure person. When I ran into her in person, she was afraid at first, but ultimately we spoke like adults.

AP#6: I called her. She had been a very close friend. She lied, denied, and said she didn’t remember anything like that happening. Liar.

AP#7: another "friend". She lied. She told a tale of how she was the one who "actually is getting hurt" because she lost the only person who ever understood her, and that she wanted my place, my family, my kids….yeah. Then she lied and said she was really a lesbian. There were multiple calls, probably because I am a glutton for punishment. She screamed at me at one point, then denied the affair…I hung up and she is blocked now. She is mentally ill, believes the government sent "men in black suits" to threaten her, the government poisoned her, the government hacks her Facebook, that her hip replacements are poisoning her….its crazy stuff and I want no part of it. Oh, and she has been "dying" since 2016 or so, I guess taking the long road out?

You will not get what you want from the AP. Healing isn’t in that person, not at all.

I messaged all of them.

AP 1 - was the first one I found out about. I texted her and told her she's should be ashamed of herself and never come back to their workplace. She never responded. My husband texted her husband and confessed and they then talked on the phone as well.

AP 2 - I texted her and told her never to talk to my husband or anyone in our family again. She apologized and said her husband was her person and that my husband loves me deeply. My husband also emailed her husband and cc-ed her to confess. Her husband never responded.

AP 3 - She was a mutual friend/ex of my husband. THe things that happened were from 13 years ago, so I asked her about it and she lied. When I later had proof otherwise, I messaged her and blocked her on all our devices. She's married now, but wasn't when the actual affair happened, so there was no contact with her husband.

The way I saw it, it was my husband's responsibility to clean up his mess and make amends to the people he'd hurt. I'm glad I got to say my piece to all three women, but I do sometimes wish I had been a lot meaner. It's been about a year since everything hit, so I'm trying to let go of the feeling of wanting to fuck their lives up.