SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you divorced when your children were very young, how did/do you cope with regularly being apart from them? Do you regret having to split your time with them? I made a lot of sacrifices in order to be able to spend time with my children while they were very small; it has always been important to me to be a present and involved parent. I'm terrified of missing out on a lot of time with them, not being there if they need me etc. It would be really helpful to hear the reality of how others have found it.

I can’t answer but I’m too interested in knowing more.

My daughter is right now the single most important reason why I haven’t yet finalized my divorce.

The best we can offer is to create the best co- parenting relationship possible.

This way if plans change — the other parent gets the first choice to change or swap days etc.

Unless the STBX is involved with an unfit partner (or unsafe), just accept it and hope they will treat the kids well.

Try to have the same rules for each home - routines, etc. Hope you can both attend kids’ school events and activities w/out animosity.

If both parents put the kids first then it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. As the kids grow up, the schedules will change. Hope the STBX can adapt and adjust.

However if the STBX is out for revenge, then there is nothing that can change that mentality. Using the kids as a pawn is always wrong but some people don’t care about parental alienation.

I hope this can be addressed reasonably and amicably.

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess it is not so much how to coparent practically that I am concerned about, it is how to cope with the loss of time with kids, especially while they are tiny, and especially when you are the primary parent and have taken time off work/gone part time etc to be with them. If anyone has done it, what is the reality of what it's like? Do you regret it?

I haven't personally gone through it with young children - my kiddo was 15 when I decided to divorce - but losing that time is hard.

I have a good friend whose ex left her for his AP when she was 5 months pregnant. I couldn't believe that the court ordered the newborn to spend every other night with her ex and AP, but that's what happened, and she was breastfeeding at the time! It was hard. Very very hard, but she kept her chin up as best she could.

That child is now 16 years old and a fine young man and seems pretty happy with his life. Of course, he has never known anything different. As he got older, they shifted from every other day to every few days to every other week. They worked with a family therapist to figure all this out.

My friend learned to embrace the nights/weeks that she had to herself. She has a few pets to keep her company when her kid isn't around. She goes out with other single/divorced friends. She's figured out how to be happy and how to coparent.

None of this was easy going, and she made a huge effort to maintain a good coparenting relationship with her ex and AP (they've still together), but it has paid off in terms of the health of her child.

How old are your children? Are they closer to you than your stbx? Do you want full custody? It's not unheard of, especially if the other parent doesn't want to be actively involved.

I can't imagine what your friend must have gone through.

My youngest is two now. He has a strong preference for me, although after his affair ended my husband did step up and start doing much more with the kids (during his affair he acted like nothing at home had anything to do with him).

In an ideal dream world where I have the option of never seeing or speaking to my husband again and it wouldn't negatively impact on my children, I would like to have full custody. I have no fears about being able to parent on my own because that's basically what I was doing throughout his (long) affair. However, in the real world he wouldn't agree to it, legally I couldn't insist on it, and I want my children to feel that both their parents want them to be a real part of their lives. I suggested a roughly 70/30 split which he agreed to, but I don't trust that he would stick to it after the divorce process is initiated. And even that 30%, I don't know how I would feel or how I would cope with it.

We have a divorced father in our family. His now grown children adore him. The parents never bad mouthed the other parent. They both have always shown up for everything. Every game, play, ballet recital, everything. They both hug their kids all the time and tell them they love them every day. The marriage failed, the parenting didn’t.
I need to stress that the children should always come first. Not with money. With time.

Unfortunately there are no guarantees that the cheater will co-parent with you. They can make it easy or become a nightmare — hard to tell their path.

Separate YOU from the parenting issues. If YOU are unhappy and want to end the marriage, then you should do that. As an adult — you need to be the best person you can be for your kids.

There are a number of highly respected people here at SI who have written about their experiences living in a household / environment where it was a bad marriage. And how they wished the parents would have D.

Your kids will sense something is wrong or off because no one is a good actor for that type of situation for very long.

And if he agrees to 30% custody but doesn’t follow through on that, then you make the best of it and carry on. If both parents put the kids first, and agree to be civil and pleasant, then everyone wins.

If the STBX doesn’t want to step up, that’s their issue to face. I hope you can work this out and come to a reasonable agreement for everyone involved.

I agree with a lot of what The1stWife said. The one point I'll differ on is that if your WS agrees to a specific custody arrangement, he has to legally follow through on that. I wouldn't simply yield to his changing wishes, because what if he randomly changes his mind again?

Young children need routine and predictability to feel safe. In my friend's case, the reason they had the child go back and forth every day when little was because their memories and capacity to under the future is limited. As the child gets older, they can more easily understand the scope of a week or a month.

I would recommend that you and your WS work with a family therapist or social worker to figure out what is best for your children and then stick to that plan.