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I just need to get it out. Today I was trying to find a photo of me with my three kiddos. I am sitting here sitting through years of memories and the wave came over me.

AP was a close family friend, for the past 5 years almost every holiday was spent with her and her family. The year I was pregnant with the twins we made a lot of memories, at their house, on their boat, at holiday parties, even my baby shower. After the babies were born that first year up until the ONS was spent heavily with AP and her family.

This is so fucking devastating and unfair. I feel like years of really good family memories, ones I would look at so fondly have been completely ripped from me. I love being a mom so much, I've always been so grateful for the title and have poured my all into giving my babies the best of me and giving them all the experiences. Now I look back and I break.

I'll never understand why her. I get it was a drunken and drug induced event, but I sometimes fantasize what if he had a ONS with a stranger at a bar... At least I wouldn't feel like I had years of moments stolen from me. I feel like my happiest moments have been completely changed and I don't know how to look back without thinking "here's the baby shower celebrating my boys, the woman who sucked their dad's c*** while we were sleeping inside at a Christmas party hosted it!"

Or "Remember your 6th birthday party? The one at "Aunts" house, you know the aunt that straddled your dad while picked up and passionately made out with while mom and you were sleeping?"

(She wasn't their actual aunt but we called her that for the past 5 years)

As a mom I feel so much pity for myself and my babes. I just wanted memories for my babies, I just wanted to look back at moments in time with fondness and be able to proudly talk about these big moments and milestones that make up my life and theirs... And they took that from us.

It feels so very isolating to have these feelings, the stress of looking back on these days as time goes by and realizing how much the woman who helped fracture my world was ingrained in it. It is so fucking unfair and unjust and it will never make sense to me what me or my babies did to deserve this.

Raven, I hear you !

My heart breaks for you and your situation.

Just take this horrific situation one moment at a time.

" one foot in front of the other and do the next right"

It does get better but slowly.

Sending virtual hugs and strength.

I feel like years of really good family memories, ones I would look at so fondly have been completely ripped from me.

Raven I really understood this as have had some of that experience too where a place and a set of memories ended up feeling contaminated afterwards.
In my case I destroyed the photos of myself in a holiday album because it later came out that the hotel and location had been recommended by the woman he was having the affair with - he only told me the truth 24 years later and it changed the meaning of that whole trip for me so I ended up defacing the album and writing on it that it was their holiday.So I really do understand what you mean about memories not feeling clean anymore and about later truth changing the meaning of moments you once thought belonged to you.
It is deeply unfair and none of you deserved that

It does get better but slowly

Thank you Dorothy123

I just hope one day I can look back and not feel immense heartbreak, especially when it comes to the first year of my twins life. I thought having twins would be so magical and WH was so excited so it's really a mindfuck that he did this when he did and with the person he did. It feels so all encompassing right now the pain of it all. I feel so robbed of my first year with my babies which was already hard enough. As soon as I started feeling like a functioning human again they did this to me. I'm so angry.

I destroyed the photos of myself in a holiday album because it later came out that the hotel and location had been recommended by the woman he was having the affair with

ButterflyInProgress I am so so sorry you have had to experience that especially so much later after it happened. I have deleted so many photos already but it makes my heart bleed thinking about all of those memories made with my babies in my first year of having them and the fact that because of their selfish disgusting act I've had to either accept the memories as AP being a part of them or try to remove them all together. I have to listen to my daughter ask to go to a pool party at aunties, or ask if we can have a boat day soon. Because of what they did she will never experience those things we did so regularly ever again. WH would always gush about how amazing the life is we are giving our kids and then he just went and destroyed it and it seems so unfair. It wasn't even worth it but here I am in the fallout having to be so strong for my kids and have to try to heal while being constantly reminded of the betrayal that ruined it all.

I understand Raven.

I didn’t find a way to fix the photo and memory issue as such. But I’ve done a fair few things to try and get to a better place. So I will share those in the hope it helps you a bit.

One thing I have done is created a music playlist maybe call it something discrete ‘playlist 2’. I only include new (to me) music. I add songs I like but only if I have never heard them before. So songs from their dance recitals. Songs from church. Songs from gigs we have been to. TV shows. Ones the kids share with me. It’s taken a year or so to make it a decent length but I love it. It’s mine. No one in real life knows why I created it. It’s my new chapter. If I heard the song previously it is not added - it therefore only has good memories attached.

I promise you that you will feel better eventually. I was at rock bottom, suicidal rock bottom. In the early days I did this.

Live by your values every day. Write them down and make decisions using your values if you are struggling.

Note things you enjoy, tiny things, that you can do daily. I make sure I have my favourite tea in and I have a favourite mug. I also have a specific coffee in the morning. I find it grounding and soothing. Ritualistic even.

Today is chapter 2. Do something simple with your children. Create new rituals with them. Do it with intention to start with and it will get easier.

Examples I have done.

Favourite cup and we have tea and cake and dainty tea party sandwiches. Maybe a birthday party for a teddy bear.

Celebrate the arrival of a household appliance. We actually had a toast when the new washing machine arrived

Gratitude - we (children and I) sit and hold hands and say one thing we love and/or admire about the others. This was very helpful early on. It also meant I looked for positives to tell them the next day.

I sorted out some of my emotional shit. I’ve read copious amounts of self help books. Gottman books. I take a bit from each but I’m an avid reader and it helped calm me.

‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant recommended to me on another forum got me out of a deep hole.

Write a few short term goals and pleasure. Mid term and longer term. And work towards them. Camping trip. Museum visit. Try pottery making or clothes making. Something you can see at the end.

I pat myself on the arm and say ‘you did great’ ‘promise tomorrow will feel different’ ‘you are okay’. Basically I treat myself like I’d treat a friend. It feels odd at first but it has really helped me.

I was a huge worrier. It’s gone. I don’t bother worrying anywhere near as much - it’s such a relief. I see that as a positive. Ironically my husband (we are looking to separate) now worries. Things I’d fret over he now frets over. Including one small thing he claimed was a valid reason for cheating. Oh the irony.

Create connections with other people. My phone does not stop buzzing. It is constant. Join a few bigger groups - music, hobbies etc. From that real friendships develop. I get around 10 messages overnight now 😂. I reminded myself I can make friends and I have people to appreciate and think about.

My huge issue was loss. I knew it would be that from day one. But 4 years later it’s less sharp, less prickly. I still cry regularly. But my memories are less tainted. My spouse is a loser for destroying something many would dream of having. Shame on him. But I can see his flaws and I don’t believe he has worked on them in a productive way. He never hit rock bottom.

I hope to get to a place where my memories are mine and they were real for me. My old photos will go to my children - they are still their memories. My new photos will never be tainted by him. I make sure I take pics with me in them.

Redesign your life is a good book. You write the things you love and design a new path with those front and centre.

Happy to PM is you want to chat through any of this further.

All the best. Today is a new day. Create something, start tiny, but create.

It’s a double betrayal when it’s a friend that is the OW.

I had that sane experience. The OW pretended to be my friend blah blah blah.

Was she under the influence &/or drunk too? I’m not looking to excuse anyone, but people do some pretty stupid things when they are not in their right mind.

You can look at this in two ways and choose to be buried under the pain OR as a start to build new relationships and connections for your children.

I was with a core group of friends for about 10 years. Unfortunately one person had to back away and the group fell apart to some extent. It’s sad because we had some great times and then we (the women) were shunned by one person. Can’t explain it. Don’t understand it. No longer trying.

Just go through the healing process. The pain will lessen. It will get better. Your heart will heal. One day it will a memory that no longer brings you to your knees.

PS. I have a "revenge" playlist of songs that all deal with cheating and revenge and such. One of my favorites is I Pray For You. It’s quite humorous — after a break up the guy prays for his ex. Except not in a good way. Two of my favorite lines:

I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls

I pray all your dreams never come true 😂😂

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:46 AM, Saturday, May 16th]