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Due to family circumstances, my BH and I are still living together and conversing. Not just about our daughters (one soon on the way), but also about other topics we would normally discuss together. DDay was a month ago, with me confessing to a EA/PA that occurred a year ago with a coworker. At this point in time, he has been rightly confused and back and forth on reconciliation. Per time of the year, we are still attending family get together and spending time with one another even outside of time with our daughter.

He has stated he feels like time apart or to separate would be beneficial. I have offered ways to do this within the house, such as leaving the house when he wakes up and coming back when it’s time for him to go to work. This way he would spend time with our young daughter by himself. He will agree this would be good, but it has never actually happened. Then he states that he is fine with me still being home right now, most likely to us having a daughter on the way. He will also state he no longer wants me doing his laundry or cooking food, so I offered ideas on splitting household chores. However, I am still the one doing all laundry, cooking, and cleaning, which I am completely fine with. There are more personal examples of this pattern too, where he brings up an issue, I offer a solution, but ultimately we continue to live the same way routine wise, for now at least.

What worries me most of all is his mental state. I had to heavily encourage him to speak to other people about me having an affair because I did not want him to bottle it up. I have suggested IC for him if he wants or needs to discuss this further, as we are not discussing our relationship too much at the moment together. I have already started IC, and he mentioned MC early on after DDay but has not suggested it since. Mostly everyday he has trouble getting up from sleeping, which was an issue before my confession, but has grown into a bigger issue.

I am willing to do whatever I need to in order to become a safe person. I desire to reconcile but realize that is out of my control. I have told my BH I am here to listen or talk if he wants, that I want to support him. Sometimes he is receptive of this and other times he is not. What worries me most of all is his mental wellbeing, as he told me he’ll be fine and is "strong." I do not want to push him in any way, but I also tell him to make sure he is taking care of himself. I do my best to give him as many opportunities to do this as possible, considering I take on all household responsibilities and am usually the one caring for our daughter as we are a one income household.

What is the balance of being supportive yet respectful in his wishes when they seem to fluctuate? Should I continue to give opportunities and encourage ways for him to take care of himself? He acknowledges he is a procrastinator and has poor time management. A majority of our relationship I had to push for him to get things done, so I am having trouble deciding what to do now.

Thank you.

"trouble getting up from sleeping"

Is he depressed? Maybe he’s been aware of your cheating longer than you think.

When I became aware of my WW’s cheating, I developed several physical ailments. Rapid heartbeat (went to a doctor it was so bad), migraines. When I believed she had stopped, they went away. Maybe coincidence, who knows.

Maybe it’s some other medical issue.

I wouldn’t ignore this. You may not fully appreciate what you’ve done to him.

I am glad you confess to him. Can you give some more details about the extent of this affair and what made you confess? I do want to mention, the details matter. They matter because that all represent something "stolen", something that was disrespected, an injury.

May I ask if you are truly broken? Reason I ask, your posts seem quite business-like. It may be me reading into it.

But what I do want to mention, when my wife first disclosed, it was important for me to see her have actually emotional sorrow for what she did. I wanted her to hate it. I also wanted her to enter into my hurt with me.

I would encourage you to do lots of reading on this site and elsewhere. Particularly, read the experiences of people who have been betrayed.

I just want to tell you, I don't really think you understand the depth of injury what have done has caused. Keep in mind, beyond the vows you took, he counted on you as his safe place. If anyone in the world, you were the one who was supposed to tenderly care for his heart and his life. Then to all of a sudden find out, you were the one who was deceiving him, and essentially regarding him as nothing, the pain goes to core of his being.

Learn of this. Enter into the depths of horror of all that the betrayal means. Keep in mind at same time, it does not define you, but it was something you did. Yet the consequences are way beyond what you know.

Another thing you can do to help your husband is to tell the spouse of girlfriend of your AP about the affair.

Also, I hope you have left the workplace if he is still there.

You chose the AP during your affair. You now need to consistently moment by moment chose your husband. In everything.

Another thing. Become a truth teller...very important. Not a minimizer. Not a blame shifter. Not a topic changer. Not an avoider. Not a gaslighter. A truth teller.

Learn radical accountability. It is OK to be wrong. You are still a valuable person.

Finally, what helped us the most, seek the Lord like never before.

On that topic, read Proverbs 31. It is about a good woman...a good wife. The thing that is profound in that passage...it says she "does him good and not harm all the days of her life". Start doing that today, and continue day by day. You will build a new life. I have copied the relevant verses below. With God's help, you can be this for your husband and ultimately for God. I hope and pray you really want to be. 🙏

Proverbs 31:10-13, 15-31 KJV
[10] Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. [11] The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, So that he shall have no need of spoil. [12] She will do him good and not evil All the days of her life. [13] She seeketh wool, and flax, And worketh willingly with her hands.
[15] She riseth also while it is yet night, And giveth meat to her household, And a portion to her maidens. [16] She considereth a field, and buyeth it: With the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. [17] She girdeth her loins with strength, And strengtheneth her arms. [18] She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: Her candle goeth not out by night. [19] She layeth her hands to the spindle, And her hands hold the distaff. [20] She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; Yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. [21] She is not afraid of the snow for her household: For all her household are clothed with scarlet. [22] She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; Her clothing is silk and purple. [23] Her husband is known in the gates, When he sitteth among the elders of the land. [24] She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; And delivereth girdles unto the merchant. [25] Strength and honour are her clothing; And she shall rejoice in time to come. [26] She openeth her mouth with wisdom; And in her tongue is the law of kindness. [27] She looketh well to the ways of her household, And eateth not the bread of idleness. [28] Her children arise up, and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praiseth her. [29] Many daughters have done virtuously, But thou excellest them all. [30] Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: But a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. [31] Give her of the fruit of her hands; And let her own works praise her in the gates.

A month out I was still deep in shock, deeper than on d-day.

My W added injury to injury by not attending to what I wanted. Instead she tried to read my mind and give me what she thought I wanted. And a LOT of what she gave seemed to have a goal of assuaging her guilt feelings.

With our MC's support, I kept telling my W to back (the FUCK) off. I was pretty much fine with my W offering me something, but always with something like, 'I'd like to give you _____.Is that something you want?' If I rejected the offer, that was definitive for the next several hours. I was always free to ask if I changed my mind, but but rejecting it once took it off the table for at least several hours.

And if I accepted an offer, the logistics had to be arranged then. If I let the logistics hang in the air, it was assumed I didn't really want it. If W let them hang, she didn't really want to deliver.

*****

I agree that M is a contract. Both partners want to give to and receive from the other. Obviously, you've broken the contract. IMO, the best - tbh, I'd add 'and only' - way to rebuild the M is to make explicit agreements based on asking for what each partner wants.

The metaphor that seems most apt is that up until some point in the relationship, the partners know how to read each other's non-verbal communications. They developed their reading ability through a lot of explicit communication. The ability to read each other gets destroyed by an A (probably before the A), and it need to be recalibrated. I don't see how it can be recalibrated without returning to explicit communications - requests, offers, conscious decisions.

The best way to recalibrate is probably to ask for what you want, after asking oneself what one wants.

*****

IMO, each partner needs to take responsibility for themself. At a month out, it's probably premature to ask that of a BS or WS, but it's best for the WS, IMO, to step up as quickly as possible. It's possible for the WS to think and act and feel while dealing with the WS's pain, and the sooner the WS steps up, the better for both WS and BS.

I believe it's best to step up ASAP for BS, too. I just think it's harder for the BS because the BS is brand new to the trauma, and trauma does a bad job on human beings.

*****

Part of R is for each partner to figure out what they want to give and receive to M and see if the wants fit together. If they don't, the couple can renegotiate, fight, or shake hands and thank each other for the memories.

IMO, honesty is essential. Do you really want to R? If not, great - engage a good lawyer and start D. If you do want R, great - find out what your BS wants R to be and figure out if they want to meet your requirements and if you want to meet theirs.

*****

IMO, honesty is essential. Do you really want to R? If not, great - engage a good lawyer and start D. If you do want R, great - find out what your BS wants R to be and figure out if they want to meet your requirements and if you want to meet theirs.

My reco is to focus on healing/redeeming yourself. You control you, so your healing and redemption are up to you and to you alone.

WS heals WS.
BS heals BS.
Together you heal your M - if you both want to.

Brokenvase767, your husband is probably in shock. He doesn’t know what he wants and hen he lands on something it changes. He probably can’t see a path forward that makes him feel like a man. If he wants space from you, try to find a way to give him space. I know it’s extremely hard to deal with the fallout when you have a child, are pregnant and have a husband who is having a hard time. Try to take care of yourself too, taking time to sit quietly and breath for five minutes, talk gently and lovingly to your baby, imagine what you could do today that you will be proud of in ten years. And be steadfastly honest and truthful, without that nothing else works.