I have been browsing this site for the past 5 months. I have not posted anything until now.
I am the BS (59) and found out about my WW’s (53) affairs on May 24th. We have three DDs. DD/25, married with a one year old grandson. Lives nearby. DD/23, moved back home with us last August. DD/15.
We had just celebrated our 28th anniversary the weekend before, with a 3-night downtown hotel stay along with planned dinners and activities. She confessed to two APs. According to her, the most recent began January/February but that she had ended it before I found out. The prior AP was in the fall of the previous year, and she claims she was only with him twice and they both decided that they could not continue.
Actually, though, there was a prior OEA that I caught her in, May 2023. With the OEA, which began in 2022, there was exchange of photos of herself that she had sent to him, and she maintained that relationship for at least 9 months, maybe more like a year.
So, essentially, she had at least one OEA, and two PA since 2022.
D-day weekend, I immediately reached out to a friend and told him everything. That was probably the single smartest thing I did at the time. The first few weeks after finding out were crazy. We had sex, hysterical bonding. Sometime in June we went on a 3-day getaway to a nearby beach/island town. Sort of like a fantasy island honeymoon in the aftermath and wake of things. I think we were both really scared, and still in the fog and daze of it all. Neither of us were ready to face reality.
I jumped immediately to reconciliation, while still reeling and my world having been turned upside down. We tried MC pretty quickly, within a couple of weeks of d-day. I started IC the 2nd week of June. My WS started about the same time, but she had to find another a few weeks later as the first one was not a good fit. MC was a fail after a few sessions.
I was jumping right into the R without even really coming to terms with what exactly happened. All the disregulation was so overwhelming. Not sleeping, not eating, not thinking. Barely able to function for work and household things, and interacting with the DD s. I was frantically trying to understand and fix things (that’s baked into who I am...I fix things). I found this site pretty quickly. Somewhere in the timeframe I stumbled on Michelle Mays and bought her book "When It All Breaks Bad". I was grasping for any sort of hope while at the same time, trying to come to terms with all the shit my body and mind was experiencing. After our 3-day weekend at the beach we came back, and the sad reality came right back. That’s when things began to shift for me. I realized that somewhere in the last 3 years or so I lost who I was, who I had been, and was reflecting on how my reality and identity had been totally fragmented and manipulated. This was probably the first time/beginnings of me distancing and detaching, seeing myself as separate from my WS and the marriage. I realized that I needed to take care of me in order to begin to make sense of what really happened. I started going to the beach by myself. Journaling. exercising more (was already doing that but really pressed into it more), going on walks. I was using the journaling in conjunction with working with my therapist to work through all my emotions and different things my WS and I were doing. My WS was remorseful. But I know she really just wanted it all to disappear and for things to go back to the way they were as soon as possible.
I’m trying to make this as succinct as possible, but it’s difficult to not want to dive into some details.
At some point, I began reading The Betrayal Bind, another book by Michelle Mays. This one has been helpful for me in understanding lots of things around attachment and betrayal trauma response. She describes ‘attachment ambivalence’ as a way to understand all the conflicting thoughts, emotions, and behaviors I was dealing with in the cycle of seeking connection and distancing at the same time. It’s all been such a mind fuck.
But I am slowly emerging from all of this. Fat-forward to three weeks ago. I told my therapist, well, the reality is that I can no longer not be true to myself. I can no longer not listen to my heart. And my heart is telling me that I cannot accept these things and continue in the relationship. At this point.
I am at the point now where it doesn't matter what she does - she can do all the work on fixing herself, do everything in her power to make me feel safe, pursue me like nothing else in life mattered. In the end though, that would not make things better for me. It will not change how I think and feel about the relationship.
I see her. I know her. I love her. But I have already given all that I can give. I gave what I wasn't supposed to give - being true to myself, my honesty, my value, my dignity, my self-respect.
I think some of the wrestling I have dealt with is just me struggling to reconcile and accept what I’ve always believed, which is that, for me, something like this is a dealbreaker.
While my love is unconditional, relationship agreements are not. I know that what I have expressed to my WS is that I am not sure or I don't think that I can get around something like this being a dealbreaker for me. While I am persuaded of that more with time/each day, I am still intellectually wrestling with that, questioning it. Why is that so? Is it me starting to being true to myself and my own sense of self and justice? It's possible my thoughts around it are related to my own past scars from being betrayed in my first long term (5 year) relationship with my high school girlfriend? Maybe it’s just the fact that I can’t get around looking at a likely possible future with lingering revulsion, anger...continued suspicion and trust issues, and just never seeing her with the same sense of adoration and pride that I once had. Whatever, I don't know. All I can say is that with the way my heart and mind has been leaning the last few weeks, being even more distanced and detached, I am asking God to work in my heart and mind and direct me, my thoughts and will in these things.
Now, for my WS. Throughout this time, she has had lots of ups and downs. She was working part time when everything fell out, but quit that job. She has never had a long, steady work history. Was a SAHM for years too. Anyway, given the initial R frenzy we experienced, and cooling off since, she has emotionally fallen apart 3-4 times. What mean by that is, she cries and cries for the day, becomes pretty non-functional – sleeping, staying in the bedroom, barely taking care of herself. During one of these spirals, I got the recommendation from my and her therapist, and she got into an IOP day program at a behavioral center. That was a six week program that finished up on 10/06.
These spirals have seemed to always happen when we’ve had a tough conversation. It’s like the reality of everything that’s been damaged and jeopardized overwhelms her, and she just does not have the capacity to face it. There’s been some suicidal ideation as well. She’s mentioned just wanting to fade away or disappear.
All along I think she’s just wanted to control the outcome, protect her image, not have anyone know. The first person she confided in was a dancing community girlfriend who she’s known for like a year. (The dancing community/friends is related to a newer two-year old interest of hers, which is associated with the AP s, though in her mind, they’re not related.) She would not tell her best friend of 30+ years. Just too much shame and guilt. She finally, last week, got around to talking to her best friend. That was only after yet another tough conversation and emotional fallout. Following that episode, the next day, I knew she was supposed to meet with her therapist, and it had been on my mind because she had expressed feeling like she was alone and had no one to talk to. So, I asked her to reconsider talking, to ask her therapist about it, and see what she thought. When I came home that afternoon, she said she was meeting her lifelong friend that evening, and she did. Though she was expressing anger about it prior to. It was much needed relief for me (she’s a mutual family friend and like an aunt to our DDs).
Another tough conversation occurred a couple of weeks ago. She has sensed my distance. At some point earlier, I/we were being more affectionate – holding hands at night. Embracing and hugging at different points throughout the day. Having sex some. Well, the last few weeks has been like a rapid ice age happening. And me, I was just keeping my thoughts to myself, cause none of them were good, and with her emotional disregulation, I decided that rather than unload on her, I’ll find other ways to deal with those energies. Well, we’re so attached still that she’s picking up the vibes, and she came to tell me her plans about going dancing after an appointment and that she was just going to stay out on that side of town until the dance social. (Somehow, even with the pretty severe emotional breakdowns, she’s managed to emerge from them and within a day or two still manages to go out dancing or some other activity/escape). It was in that discussion she prodded me about my distancing and, while I wasn’t really ready to share, I told her how I had been feeling about not being sure I could reconcile. She asked about MC, and I said that I know we’re nowhere near MC, and pushed me for clarity, asking not ready now, or never? And I answered that I wasn’t certain that MC would help at all. She got angry and emotionally unglued, and proceeded to say about her own IC and the IOP stuff wasting her time, cause she thought those were things that were part of the trajectory or path. Hindsight, she was just trying to make me feel like shit. I can’t say it didn’t work for a bit, until I snapped out of it later.
One last event and then I’ll be done, with some things that are looming.
This week, was yet another emotional breakdown. It began with her intuiting whether I had told my mom about the As. That set her off. So far, I have told my one friend who I’ve known for less than 10 years. Then, a month or two in this, I confided in another friend, who’s known me for almost 40 years. Well, my mom, lives in town. I go and visit her almost every week, or she comes over. She’s known even prior to d-day that we have been having problems (my WS had essentially created a world of her own making, with dancing, the dancing community/friends, always doing things. Going out 3-4 times a week. Neglecting family, home, and mundane stuff. That’s another post perhaps). At any rate, I had told my mom we were both getting IC and about the MC, and my WSs IOP program. Well, one day, while visiting her, my mom just came out and asked me if she had been untrue. So, I said to myself, enough of this shit. Yes, she has, I told her. I didn’t want to tell my mom cause she’s 86 y/o and just didn’t need the stress. Anyway, a mother knows her son. So, my WS got upset, then the conversation went into her asking me if I’m just waiting for her to get stable and get a job, etc, and then I’m going to drop her, let her go, or whatever. She asked me if I just wanted her to leave (wasn’t the first time she’s asked me that). But I turned it back to her and expressed my anger. I asked what was she asking me for, I wasn’t the one who stepped outside the relationship. I’m not the one who left in the first place. She escalated emotionally, and ended up packing a bag, and the van. (Earlier that day she was staging things for a fossil fest she was planning to do with her sleeping in the van) So basically, she packed a suitcase and other stuff and left about 10 pm. She didn’t know where she was going. I took a shower and went to bed. She called about 1130pm, completely over the edge emotionally. She eventually came home at 1am, I stayed on the phone with her until our 23yo DD who works nights, left for work. I got a few hours sleep. The next morning, she roused up eventually, and was again, not quite catatonic with being distraught and everything. The night before and that morning, I was again worried about her potential for harming herself. I got her long time friend to come and sit with her, and she ended up meeting with her therapist that afternoon.
She eventually recovered, but stayed isolated, avoided the DDs. That night she managed to pull herself together enough to do some self care and her self-tanning. Next day, she did have our other DD and SIL over with the grandson and made dinner, then she left at 9pm to go to the fest.
So, I have the house to myself, with the DDs, for the weekend.
Part of this last emotional tirade, she said she was just going to have to tell the DDs what has happened. Us talking, the WS, me and her best/mutual friend talked about it. The reality is they’ve known things have been askew for some time. They’ve asked numerous times about their mom, and expressed being worried about her. They know about the IC, and my WW s IOP program. They know when she has these emotional breaks. I’m not certain when, or how that will happen. At this point, I want my DDs to know. It’s not really been fair to them to have experienced all this and feel these impacts but have little to no context as to why and what has been going on.
Apologies for being disorganized in writing these things. It’s just so hard to contain and capture it all.
I feel so stuck. I have been thinking about moving out. Renting an apartment for 3 months to start. Can’t really afford it, but man, I feel like it would be better than the way things are right now. I've thought about renting it and telling her to go there. My WW isn’t working. I really question whether she could even hold a job. We still sleep in the same bed. Perhaps I could start with moving to the FROG. I’ve read elsewhere that I should remain in the house. As for me leaving, WW struggles with being around our middle DD, cause she can be unstable and is on a mood stabilizer and sometimes has emotional outbursts/disregulation herself. And I know how to take care of things needing taking care of around the house. Really, it’d be best if she left. Though my WW has mentioned leaving several times and did the other night, she really has nowhere to go. She has no relationship with her mom and dad. No other relatives that either have room or are not going through their own difficulties to have her stay.
I’m craving the separation, cause I feel like I’m more at peace and moving more towards my own healing when apart. I just feel very stuck at the moment.
I have contacted a lawyer. I’ve scheduled an initial consultation for next week. WW doesn’t know. I can keep it on the DL. I am anxious to know how abysmal this will look. Her having worked only part-time, me potentially having to continue to support her. Basically, we have a house with a small remaining mortgage, and I have retirement accounts.
I also opened a separate checking account. She knows nothing of that either as I have managed the bills for years. Other than redirecting my direct deposits to it, that’s about all I’ve done on the financial front. We have a joint CC, and typically that’s what gets used by her and me and I pay it off every month.
Of late, she has gotten more suspicious of me. Just yesterday, I got a phone call, and shut the door to my office. She came to me later and asked me about it, wanting to know what that was and why I shut the door. It’s so strange, her being suspicious of me...when before...all the while…
That’s all I can write for now. Appreciate anyone taking the time to read and any thought, comments or otherwise. The last few months have been utter fucking chaos and hell. Having this site has been a invaluable resource for me for the past five months. I’ve combed through countless threads and have appreciated comments and conversations coming from all sides. Thanks again for giving a place to post, and thanks for reading.
