I’ve had a dilemma that has bothered me for a couple of weeks now, and wanted some feedback.
Since my wife’s A I have learned so much more (or maybe was forced to notice more) about her behavior patterns that I find off putting.
A couple of weeks ago I walked in when she was on the phone with her mother, and I overheard her telling her mother something that was a lie. A rather innocuous lie, no big deal, but a lie, nonetheless. She spun the story into a narrative that told part of the truth but in a way to save her from embarrassment. The parts that were a lie were effortlessly woven in to sound like a completely plausible story.
I didn’t say anything, but it triggered some feeling in me.
I know my W has felt my MIL was judgmental all her life and she always wanted her to be proud of her, so I now understand that is where her people pleasing ways began. Yet I am also of the opinion that you should be able to not have to lie to her over minor things in your 50s. Also, it disturbed me how easy it was for her to do it. I began to think back on how many times I noticed her lying to her bosses, or professors etc.
Her first instinct is to lie when faced with a problem that may lead to a confrontation or her being in trouble. So of course she would lie in the immediate aftermath of D day. She has tried to change that, and I have seen some real progress, but I guess it is hard to change life long patterns. Yet the thought occurred to me and I was disturbed by the idea of how many lies is she still holding about things which she never told the truth and will carry to her grave.
In our counseling sessions in the year after dday, our MC, in an effort to show us how our behavior patterns led to marriage problems, got her to talking about a story that she had previously told me years earlier… but this time the most important details were added that made me see things in a different light.
Before we started dating, she was involved with a real loser…the kind or POS that took her to hell and back….cheating, lying, using her for money, having other girls trying to fight her. that type of stuff.
During this time, she was in a car accident, had a fractured knee cap and shin and broke her ankle. I knew about the accident when we first started dating as she was about three years removed from it. During the MC session though she added details. Turns out the POS was the one driving. Her mother absolutely hated the guy. I mean REALLY HATED the guy….to the point of pulling a pistol on him and threatening him to get him to leave her daughter alone.
Of course my W was in LURVVEE! So she snuck and stayed with him. She was in college at the time so it was easy to hide from mom. Anyway he was high when he hit the other car. And this POS, who apparently had a warrant already, left her at the scene and told her he would go for help and come back. Of course, he didnt come back. So She acted like she was the driver and fell asleep at the wheel. The other driver was injured and unconscious so could not provide any info though they were not as severely injured as W. So she went to the hospital, lied to the police and ambulance driver and everyone else so as to not have her mother know that she was still involved with POS. TIl this day her mother still believes she fell asleep at the wheel because she was so diligent in her studies. There is no way in hell that her mother will ever hear the truth as she is still embarrassed by how stupid she was with this POS. Did I mentioned she continued to have a relationship with this POS?
Understanding this now and her behavior patterns, is it normal for me to be slightly fearful of her propensity to lie?
I am a very staunch proponent of being authentic and letting the chips fall where they may. However I understand how a person who’s whole childhood and early adult life was based on lying in order to keep people from not being mad at you, and not seeing the nasty underbelly of the parts of you that you are ashamed of.
On the other hand, I am not sure how this effects my ability to believe in R and believe in the person I am in R with.
Is some level of lying normal in all humans based on circumstances? Can you trust a person who lies, not to lie to you?
Are some lies ok? Or Am I being too rigid in my desire to see authenticity in every area?
