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When we were dating, we talked openly about our pasts to make sure our values aligned. I told her my history was pretty uneventful—I had chosen to wait for marriage. She told me she had only been with one person, her last boyfriend. I took her at her word, and we got married about a year later.

Over time, especially as we grew more comfortable sharing, her stories began to shift. Eventually, she told me there had been a time in her life when she partied heavily and was often blackout drunk. She admitted that she hadn’t been honest with me in the beginning—she had been afraid that if I knew the truth, I would leave her.

She said she had actually been with many more people—likely 40 or more. At one party, and possibly others based on what she hinted at, she had been with multiple men in a single night. She also admitted that in many of those encounters, she didn’t use protection. When I asked whether she had been tested before we got together, she said no—and even now, she still hasn’t. I think shame or fear may be holding her back, but I can’t be sure. I’m getting tested next week; thankfully I haven’t had any symptoms, but I know that doesn’t mean anything for certain.

I’m not going to lie: I wasn’t angry at first—I was in shock. I went emotionally cold for a while. Even though this wasn’t an affair, it felt like something important had been taken from me. I didn’t have the full truth when I made the decision to marry her, and that matters to me. It’s not about judging her past—it’s about not having had the chance to make an informed choice.

What makes it even harder is how much this has affected my mental state. I just found all of this out within the past year, and it’s been incredibly difficult to process. I find myself shutting down mentally at times. I struggle to focus at work. Some days I can barely get through the tasks in front of me. It’s not just emotional—it’s physical. It’s like my brain and body are still trying to catch up with the shock.

We have young children now. I love them with everything I have, and I do care about my wife. But I’m torn. I’m not sure I would have said yes to this relationship had I known everything at the start. I feel guilty even thinking that—but it’s the truth. Sometimes I feel emotionally disconnected from her, and that’s something I never expected.

When I tried to share my feelings with her, she almost laughed it off, like it shouldn’t be a big deal. That hurt. I’ve asked her to go to counseling with me, but she won’t. So I’ve started seeking support on my own—private counseling, online forums, places where I can speak honestly without fear of being dismissed or judged.

I’m not writing this to criticize or shame anyone. I understand people make mistakes and go through difficult chapters in life. I’m just struggling with the reality that I didn’t get to make this life choice with the full truth. My feelings may be complicated, but they’re real. And I’m trying to find a way forward, with grace—for her, for myself, and for our kids.

[This message edited by LookingForAnswers at 9:36 PM, Wednesday, May 21st]

Strange, but in fact it's more like an annulment if you were to leave her, in an emotional sense, though not likely legal at this time.

Given what she lied about it's a form of entrapment.

Get a polygraph DNA your kids.

Is she still in contact with people she had sex with? Are they in her phone or coworkers?

[This message edited by survrus at 9:16 PM, Wednesday, May 21st]

I understand your situation and would like to add, the fact that she refuses to get tested for any disease is more of a problem (for me) than anything else.

I understand your position and would agree that had she told you, you may have made a different decision.

But now the burning question is - where do you go from here?

Can you stay married to someone where trust is broken? Can you move past her dishonesty and the fact she lied by omission?

I get how you feel like you've been put in a box. You've been betrayed, but not by infidelity. The lies you were told DID affect your agency, which is one of the most important aspects that we have in life....in my opinion.

There are (2) blaring issues with your wife that stand out--

(1)The lies she initially told, and kept, that were very important to your decision making, and

(2) Her total lack of understanding/care about the turmoil that you are in. She got what she wanted, and withheld the truth out of fear of losing that(initially). Now that time/comfort has elapsed, the fears of hers don't seem to be there. That's quite selfish. Definitely not empathetic.

She could have thought, with a certain rationale, that you were a shallow a**hole if you ended your relationship with her due to body counts.....IF SHE GAVE YOU THE TRUTH. Her values were different than yours, and that's fine. But she unilaterally decided that you didn't need that information--to her own benefit. THAT is the real issue here.

And you're left to pick up the pieces. I'd bet if you were willing to walk away....today....that she wouldn't be laughing off the 'silliness' of it. I'm not saying to do that...unless that is what you wanted....but my guess is unless some of her fears of losing the relationship appear real to her, she won't see the pain that you are in.

LFA, I agree with the other posters and the various points they have made. The compartmentalization your wife seems to exhibit is astounding + of course her complete lack of empathy and taking accountability for her lies.

I have a feeling her instincts were likely correct and had you been given the basic option to make an informed choice...you may have ended the relationship with her...or maybe not.

Body count should not be an automatic dealbreaker, but flat out lying when your values at that time of your life were polar opposities is a huge break of trust. And self serving.

What kind of feedback are you receiving in private counseling? Other online forums? And are you seeking multiple opinions in order to share with her the general consensus, thusly convincing her to attend counseling with you?

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the page that we encourage new members to read. There are some other posts (unpinned, but have bull's eye icons) that are great resources, too. The Healing Library has lots of resources, too. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, you may want to read some of the thread set up for BS (betrayed spouses - you) who didn't find out until years later.

The shock is real. You may find it beneficial to have IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist to help you deal with the trauma. If you're finding it hard to sleep or with depression, you may want to see your doctor for some meds. You can take them short term and not have to be on them forever.

The problem is that she's known about this for years, so it's no big deal to her. You just found out and it's devastating. She didn't make a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. She made conscious decisions to not let you know, and manipulated your view of reality. It could be considered a form of emotional abuse.

Have you seen the movie Truman's World with Jim Carrey? Can you imagine the emotional and psychological abuse that Truman went through and how he felt about all of the lies? She's done that to you. How does she want to deal with that?

What kinds of consequences are you considering putting in place if she's found lying again?

I’m not trying to base my decision solely on her body count, but I can’t deny that it does bother me to some extent. What really hurt was that she completely lied about her past and didn’t get tested even once before we were together. That felt incredibly selfish — like preserving the relationship mattered more to her than the risks she was exposing both of us to, including her own health.

I haven’t seen a counselor yet, but I’m in the process of scheduling an appointment online to keep things discreet. The earliest availability is next month. In the meantime, I’m turning to this group because I want outside perspectives to help me think clearly. If I’m overreacting, I’m open to hearing that — but if my reaction is reasonable, I want to recognize that too and move forward with clarity.

When we were dating, we talked openly about our pasts to make sure our values aligned.

This is the crux of your issue.

The deception started all the way back then. Her body count is irrelevant, but the taking away of your agency to decide is extremely relevant.

You had been living a lie since you had met her, and her refusal to go for counselling and to laugh at your feelings are red flags. She is not thinking about you, and only of herself.

Start with going for counselling for yourself first, to realign yourself. Once you are at a place where you have clarity, then make your decision from there. R or D, it will be up to you.