SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to start …. Guess I’ll start at the beginning.
My husband and I met and fell fast and hard. Engaged quickly , married . We were THAT couple that was so in love it made others think we were cheesey . We were happy. Two BEAUTIFUL babies followed . 13 months apart … I was barely 4 months postpartum when I found out I was pregnant again. We had a lot of stress from several other issues in life , financial , etc . During my 2nd pregnancy my there was little to no contact between my husband and I , I was the main care giver for our 1st for all things, food, clothes , appointments , day to day all things , co sleeping put my husband on the couch … we also were living in my parents home at the time to add the cherry on top . We had no privacy or time to ourselves.
2nd baby is born , we finally moved into our own home … my postpartum depression and anxiety was BEYOND anything I could have anticipated…. I was crying all the time . Thought I was going to die of some insane decease and leave my beautiful family behind . I thought terrible thoughts of loosing my babies to some crazy scenario…
My husband worked full time and I was off on mat leave with my thoughts . I am good mom … this is my saving grace right now .
Over the time of our 2nd growing my husband and i continued to sleep apart . As i was still nursing . Home life was crazy with two babies under two .. he did not help me around the house . I begged often but he was also tired . We had the same argument and conversation all the time that I needed more help . He felt as though nothing was good enough ..
Fast forward I return to work and still continue being the main care giver to the babies , cooking , cleaning , ensuring they had clothes , appts , etc .
I eventually shut off after many talks that got us nowhere …
I took up a running group and met someone who seemed to take an interest In me . We had known each other before but this was something we had in common … I wasn’t just the worn out mom and wife that I was at home .
Friendly talk / text turned to flirting and "sexting " … I truly don’t even recognize this version of my when I look back but I did it and cannot take it back .
Few weeks pasted and I went out with friends for the first time in so long since having babies (hoping I could release this energy inside me for some friggin independence ! ) I drank to much and messaged him. He picked me up and we went to his house . We kissed for a short time and I disgustingly went into his pants with my mouth . Or was SHORT and he didn’t finish at all as I stopped it all and said I had to leave !!! I was utterly disgusted In myself .

I went home and my husband knew something was up as I never go out , let alone stay out late …

Next day is his birthday .. (yes I am disgusting)

We get through his lovely birthday with the kids . The week goes by and I am dying inside to tell him what happened . We have NEVER had secrets ever . Not even about our pasts .
I decide to speak to my therapist who helps me make a plan to come clean .

The night I come clean I tell him about the emotional affair and the kiss . I leave out the dirty details !!
He’s fucking disgusted and upset and cries . I cry . Over the days and weeks he questions me more about the affair . I sugar coat and only give him the basics … the truth but only bits of it .

We have been so amazing since working soooo hard on us but SUDDENLY I am overwhelmed by remorse and guilt about the half story I told . I have read and researched that some people say less detail is best and some say full ugly detail is best .
I am up at night having panic attacks and wonder if telling him more will help … but that’s my own selfish thought . I can’t eat , sleep … my kids are perfect . He’s so beautiful , we are doing so well . I need help … can I heal and be the best wife without fully disclosing ???? I will never ever ever do this again .

Side note . I emailed our marriage counsellor this morning as well with my current state …

Hello, Iam. Welcome to SI. I'm sorry you need to be here but glad that you found us.

In my opinion, no, it's not possible to reconcile without coming fully clean about the extent of your betrayal. I tried it, and it haunted my marriage for almost thirty years, even though I never cheated again. My husband suspected that my story didn't add up -- he knew me better than anyone in the world, though not as well as he thought he did -- but tried to rugsweep it for the sake of reconciliation. I became expert at lying to myself as well as him, convincing myself simultaneously that the details of my affair weren't important enough to matter and also that they would end my marriage if he ever found out. Trust me, you do not want to live under that shadow for the rest of your life, hiding from the day when either he breaks down your defenses or you can't live with your own guilt. Your husband also deserves to know what you're asking him to learn to accept. If the roles were reversed, would you call "we just kissed" a fair claim to make while pushing for reconciliation?

I understand that the stakes are extremely high. When I finally admitted the full extent of my affair, I had three children in school, fully enmeshed finances, his family had become my family, and I wasn't working. Everything I cared most about in my life was on the line, and confession felt suicidal. But while you're telling even one lie, you're still a liar, and you think like a liar. When it's all out, you can learn to think with integrity. There's no recovery without that, just a rotten structure on an unstable foundation.

I will also caution you that you're probably not being honest with yourself right now. "I started and then stopped" is the oldest dodge in the book. I'm not asking you to change your story here, but I'm advising you in the strongest possible terms not to sugarcoat anything with your spouse. Trickle truth is like knifing your BS once, allowing them to start healing, and then attacking them all over again. Would you rather be stabbed three times at once and then go to the hospital, or be stabbed randomly for weeks, each time without warning and never knowing if it was the last time? Get it all out. In my case, writing it down helped, because I saw places as I re-read where I was trying to hide or evade.

I remember what it was like, the fierce regret, the blind panic, the overwhelming urge to turn back the clock and get your life back. I wish I had a less painful way through this to offer you.

Thank you @bravesirrobin.

I’m going to tell him the rest today …. I am sick inside . I can’t eat , sleep … I’m terrified he will leave me . I have fallen so back in love with him since we have been working so hard to reconcile. And I’m about to drop a bomb. …. I’m sick.

Hi- BSR has given the best advice to you.

It’s the right thing to do, but just be prepared because you haven’t told him, and now you do, he is going to think there is more to know. I would recommend writing a timeline. I also think that you should plan to commit to therapy if you have the resources because I think it would help you to build coping skills.

What I learned through my experience is what I did was beyond shitty and unforgivable. But, myself as a person, I am redeemable. I am redeemable because I told the truth, because I figured out what I was lacking in life skills and self awareness that would allow me to do things that took myself and my husband down into a pit of despair that I as so unjustified.

You are also redeemable. Telling the truth is the first step. Being accountable, making amends, working to be the woman you want to be, those things are available to you and you will grow from this if you dedicate yourself.

Pick up the book how to help your spouse heal and another is not just friends. There are great posts pinned at the top of the wayward forum as well as good info in the healing library. Dedicate yourself to healing, helping him heal, and don’t look back.

Yes, you feel love as you have worked on your relationship but recognize that love is not a feeling it’s an action. It’s not something you just do when you feel bettter, it’s a constant decision to keep trying. I am telling you this because I think you are going to find that you will be on an even harder path now by not having been honest to begin with. It’s not that I don’t understand how that happens but it’s just going to be tougher to earn trust. You have to be prepared to be tougher than you have been. I say all this in kindness and as someone who has stood where you are.

Keep posting. We are here to help as you navigate your steps.

I would also offer him a polygraph. This serves two purposes. First, it gives him proof that he finally knows the worst. Second, it forces you to give him the worst when every molecule of your being will scream at you to keep lying. I know of at least two marriages on this site that ended in the polygrapher's office, not because the WS failed the test, but because they waited to come clean at the last possible moment. The BS in each case couldn't get past the fact that the WS kept lying until there was literally no other option. If you confess in the knowledge that you will have to prove the truth of your words (a common poly question is "have you lied or deliberately omitted information about any sexual activity with the AP or any other extramarital partner"), then you will have the necessary resolve.

I wish you luck. It will be awful, but it will give you at least a chance at reconciliation. Many, many BS here have said that they could have moved past the infidelity but gave up when they saw the WS could never be trusted to tell them the truth. Not cheating again is important, but it is not enough.

Hello Iam, did you talk to your BS?

In case you haven't yet, BraveSirRobin's post is every answer you need to your question.

Unfortunately, I also put my BS in that position of trickle truthing many years ago and the result was him carrying a lot of unprocessed pain and mistrust inside him all these years as he always sensed that I had not given him the whole truth.

As a result, we rebuilt our relationship on rotten foundation and there was a lot of unprocessed pain that came out throughout the years for seemingly unrelated reasons, but now we know everything was related to my half truths and lies. I also unconciously felt unworthy and below him and that also came out in the relationship in various ways.

18 years later, the wound reopened, he asked for the truth, I gave it to him (our case is quite complicated, you can find it in my posts) and now he feels the pain as if it all happened yesterday and as if our whole relationship and life together were all a lie.

I wish I had the chance to turn back time and confess everything from the beginning. I urge you to not make the same really bad choices I made. It is going to be hard as hell, yes, but if you don't come fully clean, your relationship cannot fully heal, the guilt and shame will eat you alive and, more importantly, your BS deserves to know what he needs to heal from and reconcile with.

I wish you the best.

Hello. Former WH here. May 2025 will be 6 years since D-Day and R is going well. I'm posting to encourage you to follow the great advice you've already gotten. About the only thing I did right upon discovery was tell my BW everything on DD and in the days immediately after. As has already been stated, secrets and trickle truth will absolutely destroy any attempt at R.

Please keep posting here. They help not only you but other waywards as well.

I did it guys …

The whole truth. It was disgusting and he absolutely lost it but we are going to continue to work on us.
You guys have given me so much beautiful advice and I am very grateful. I am going to start reading "how to help your spouse heal".

I will continue to reach out .

Thank you for coming back to let us know. You've been on my mind a lot today.

Six years ago, New Year's Eve fell about two months after my final confession, and I was clueless enough to think that a night out would do us good. It was all my husband could do to hold himself together and not have a panic attack in the restaurant. We didn't go out on another date night for well over a year, probably closer to two. But tonight, we are in a really good place together and planning for the future in a positive way.

I can't promise you reconciliation, but I can say with confidence that your life will eventually get much better than it is tonight. Hang in there.

I cannot even begin to thank you ALL enough for these words. I have been feeling so low and undeserving of any happiness.
Since telling the whole truth I do feel a small sense of things will be ok ….. I am holding my beautiful husbands hands through this mess I created. I did also update our therapist with my truth and I hope my husband is open to discuss our next session which is coming up . I see him hurting , he’s anxious and sick. I just want to take it all back and make him feel better. :(

Which author is best for these books ?

"Not Just Friends" is by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is by Linda J. Macdonald. I also recommend the pinned post "Things that every WS needs to know" here in this forum.

Good for you, Iam. It takes courage and integrity to let go of the reins and give your BS the truth. Since you can't go back in time, the next best thing is to take the right path forward.